Thursday, September 12, 2024

Season 12 - Week 1

Week 1 is in the books for our 12th season here at the Card Night Kangs.  It was a hectic offseason with a very active draft and 6 teams labeling themselves contenders.  We’ll take a look at where those teams stack up after Week 1 shortly but I think we need to acknowledge the two tankers first.  Mitch and Abel both began a slash-and-burn rebuild this season and it shows with the starting line-ups during our first week.  In an 8-team league with lots of Flex spots, you shouldn’t see some of the guys from each of those rosters starting but here we are.  I am going to set the over/under total wins for Mitch and Abel at 3.5 currently, knowing that 2 of those wins will come against each other. 

 


There has also been many other changes, including expanding rosters to 30, getting rid of IR and taxi squads and implementing some kind of injury contingency that likely nobody remembered.  Then there was the platform change to Sleeper.  Reviews are mixed but MANY people are saying it’s terrible, hard to navigate and worst decision for this league and maybe the country.  The only saving grace is that Yahoo also redesigned their fantasy site and it now looks worse than Trump did in the debate.  Yeesh…


But enough of that, let’s get back to the contenders and see where things stand with our new season’s first Power Rankings…

1. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken came roaring out of the gates with high points (by far) on the week, almost doubling up Mitch.  It looks like Philly has replaced the tush-push with the Barkley RB Extravaganza, so that’ll be fun for Finken while it lasts.  Gibbs, AJ Brown, Conner and Evans picked right back up where they left off and Kupp could get back to his triple crown form with Puka banged up.  But with Jordan Love already injured and several other aging veterans carrying this team, he’d better hope Daniels doesn’t get folded like chair or he’ll soon be relying solely on Rodgers and his tinfoil hat to stay in contention.  If the Jet’s turf-monster gets him again, Rodgers may just hang it up and shoot for a cabinet position with his buddy RFK. 


2. Off Suit 10s – Despite getting his head chopped in the Guillotine league on the first week, Kyle’s off to a way better start to his reclamation project in the CNK.  After toiling away for a few years at the bottom of the standings, he reshaped his roster into what appears to be a contender and is ready to roll.  Not that he needed much to topple Abel in Week 1.  A stiff breeze could’ve done that.  Unlike his Hawkeyes, he used the transfer/trade portal to bolster his flex spots and added good depth.  Unlike his Hawkeyes, Kyle solved his QB problem and also added playmakers to strengthen the offensive attack.  Unlike his Hawkeyes, he took the lead and then smothered his opponent, leaving no doubt.  Unlike his Hawkeyes, he now sits at a perfect 2-0 and ready to compete for the playoff.  Unlike his Hawkeyes, there is now excitement around the program and a reason for the fans to be hopeful.

3. If We’re Using Logic – After dubbing himself in “Elite Company” in his season preview and stating he’s the top dog in his own patent-pending power rankings, Chris came out with a bit of a whimper, just getting by Riley in Week 1.  His QBs held up their end of the bargain but the rest of the roster was fairly ho-hum.  The good news is that CD got his contract and Chase appears to be willing to play out the year before getting his.  If there were holdouts, that could’ve gotten ugly/hilarious with Puka going down for the next few weeks.  Especially if he’s going to be relying on Daniel Jones to make Nabers relevant and Brooks to score a bunch when finally healthy on one of the worst offenses we’ve seen since Deacon Hill…

 

If Chris says it enough times, it'll come to fruition.

4. Ah It’s Early – Seth was dreading this weekend; Cyclones going to Kinnick and he was playing South in dynasty.  Neither of which are usually harbingers of good.  But alas, he was mistaken.   ISU’s last second victory gave him bragging rights for the next year over the most volatile members of the league and South made a calculated error (we’ll get to that in a second) which led to Seth holding onto victory.  It was a workman-like win with everyone basically putting up an average score (something Seth’s not used to doing with his prowess in the bedroom).  Well, everyone except Kelce.  If this is how the Chiefs are going to use him all year, Abel had better at least send Seth a fruit basket at Christmas time in thanks for that gift of a first round pick. 

 

Seth all weekend long.

5. Fuck It Three – It is so rare that South is this low in the rankings, I think we just need to take a second and reflect on how badly he F-ed up.  With an injured CMC heading into MNF, he left him in the RB spot instead of moving him to a flex position in case something went haywire.  And about an hour before kickoff, the dreaded alert popped up.  CMC was out and Mason was sitting on Mitch’s bench.  Maybe South will sleep better knowing that Aiuyk or Kittle wouldn’t have gotten him the win but the king of strategy and game theory failed the most basic fantasy test.  Most likely he’ll bounce back from this and climb his way back up the rankings.  But if CMC is out for a while, Tyreeeeeek keeps getting profiled on the way to the game and Darnold can’t give JJ a reason to do the Griddy, South could be in for a longer season than expected.  We’re sure that Broncos WR he blew most of his FAAB money on will save the season and definitely not be a one week flash in the pan. 

 


6. Smells Low – Our final contender couldn’t quite sniff out the right choices to make in Week 1, leaving Reed, Dobbins and Worthy on the bench.  Breece kept him in it on MNF but in the end, he fell short by just a nose.  And if the Eagles new center can’t unclog the line of scrimmage like Afrin for Hurts to push his way to double digit TDs again, Riley may have preemptively stuck his snout into the contenders circle without actually having the credentials.  He’ll get another chance this week against Finken to clear those sinuses out and prove he belongs. 

 

Riley after Week 1

7. Play It Backwards – While Mitch lost as he hoped this week, several things went very well for him.  Jamo broke out and may actually be an NFL player going forward and not just a knucklehead.  Bowers looked good and Penix watch has begun.  And now he gets to trade Mason to South for a ransom if CMC is actually out for any length of time.  While his dynasty team is down this year, his future is looking bright enough, he may want to start looking for shades.

 

Mitch might need Blue-Blockers to check in our his future.

8. I’m Out – Yes Abel, this season…you definitely are.  Please start watching a lot of college football because half of the next draft is going to be on your roster.  Be ready to choose wisely.

Abel finally taking his team seriously.

Tuesday, July 2, 2024

Season 12 - Draft Review and Predictions

Boys and Girls of All Ages,

As we log another great draft weekend into the books, it is time to make my “stone cold lock of the year final predictions” for the upcoming season.  Typically this is the part where we would look back on last year’s results and marvel at the accuracy and vision that came with the preseason predictions.  Due to some slumlord commitments, those predictions never came.  I’d prefer to see this as a glass-half-full scenario so I’m declaring last year as my most accurate prediction as I had zero incorrect rankings but probably added another title to my tally.


Recapping the offseason, a fair number of blockbuster trades foreshadowed the trade extravaganza that was the ‘24 draft.  Mitch and Kyle started the action with the “trade heard round the world” that reset the dynasty QB market and made the contender/rebuild intentions known to the league.  While there has been much head-scratching around this trade; Kyle’s crazy-like-a-fox approach puts the league on notice that he is serious about being a contender this season.  On the coattails of this trade, Chris sends a (editor’s note: alleged) top 6 QB from last season (Purdy) to Riley for what can only be described as a bag of magic beans.  I believe that time will tell us both teams are better off for this trade.  Similarly, Abel began his rebuild and ignited the race to the bottom with Mitch by trading the first cornerstone piece (Derrick Henry) to Chris in a desperate attempt to acquire RB depth on his roster. 


Draft Day: With zero research or data to support this conclusion; I’m declaring the ‘24 draft the best/most active draft to date.  As the dust settled from all the wheeling and dealing, 15 trades before or during the draft were completed as teams jockeyed for position to snag their guys from a deep and polarizing draft class.  Top-tier talent and premium picks get moved to new teams as we see the 1.3, 1.4, Kelce, DeVonta Smith, Davonte Adams, Cooper Kupp, DK Metcalf, Hockenson, Higgins, Rhamondre Stevenson, Hopkins, and multiple future firsts change hands that weekend.  Mitch’s firesale was a success with only a few elder RBs left on the rack and Abel offloaded 2nd tier talent and collected additional 1st round picks in 2025.  It was an eventful few hours.  


Now, let’s dig in and see which teams came out ahead after all the wheeling and dealing.  I attached my very secretive and scientific mathematical algorithm that spit out a patent-pending Power Ranking score for each team.  That makes these predictions iron-clad and guaranteed.  Deal with it.




TIER 3 - REBUILD MODE

Two teams have entered the race to the bottom this season. Both rosters saw their contending windows close at the end of last season (if they were open at all…) and have wisely turned their eye to the future.  



 #8 Play It Backwards - Power Ranking 42


Trade/Draft Grade: A+ 

Along with his wife’s horses, Mitch has been trying to pawn off his has-been superstars for months.  With a number of expiring assets on the edge of the fantasy cliff, Mitch wisely decided to take the plunge into a deep rebuild.  With the patience of a master chicken smoker, he patiently waited until draft day to maximize value and leverage.  


It’s hard to find a trade that Mitch didn’t “win” as he stockpiled multiple 1st round picks for the next three seasons, mainly from Lehman.  Now he has the capital to gather young players in the draft or buy some big names.  Acquiring Tee Higgins and Jamo to jumpstart his WR room and drafting Caleb Williams and Bowers as cornerstones give him a solid foundation for a quick turnaround.  For now, he is winning the race for 1.1 next year.


Roster Analysis

Woof… they say you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet.  Right now, all the ingredients for his next championship are in the fridge (aka seniors in high school) and he is looking to have some egg on his face this upcoming season.  Williams, Maye, and Levis are promising but VERY unproven QBs on potentially bad teams with unproven coaches.  Given that most 1st round quarterbacks are misses, his work at QB might not be done. (Disclaimer: Not official ranking committee analysis, but it’s fun to drag on Mitch’s plans.)  Moore and Higgins are currently in situations that cap them from becoming elite WRs, but their situations may improve by the time Mitch is ready to compete..  His two starting RBs graduated college with me and he currently projects to start Jamo, Rico, and Antonio Gibson as his FLEX at full strength.  My crystal ball projects more weeks flirting with the 100 point threshold than wins on the season.


Wild Cards

The Justin Fields reclamation project in Pittsburg has some promise; maybe scoring kick return yards next year will make him relevant again.  I like the Javon Baker draft pick as a sleeper but asking a NE WR to breakout in a crowded receiver room with a rookie QB is a tall order.  Rico has the opportunity (not sure about the talent) to become a thing in Dallas.  None of which are getting him out of providing either food or drinks at the draft next year.  Now if we can just get him to show up on time for a change.




#7 I’m Out - Power Ranking 47


Trade/Draft Grade: C+ 

I like the moves to unload Metcalf, Henry, and Kelce and I think Abel got slight overpays on most of those trades.  The handful of lottery ticket players like Charbonet, Wan’Dale, and Hyatt should have a little extra runway with the expanded 30-man rosters.


Acquiring draft capital is one thing, making draft picks is another.  With a roster in need of everything, Much like apparently the rest of the NFL, I think the McCarthy pick was a reach when there were some high upside WR available at 1.8.  I like the Roman Willson and Ben Sinnott picks a LOT.  Giving up an extra 3rd to move up one spot and grab Legette was an overpay but sometimes we do what we gotta do to get our guy (right Riley?).


Moving forward, I’m Out needs to carry the “trade fever” (except for Trevor Lawrence) from the weekend into the regular season and discover the waiver wire.  Seriously Abel, this is the year to make it happen.  The entire league is rooting for him to reshape this roster and bring back Playoff Abel ASAP.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help/advice to move those last few pieces.  It would be a mistake if Cousins, Carr, Keenan Allen, and Josh Jacobs were still on this roster at the end of the season.


Roster Analysis

The expression “Good is the enemy of great” applies here.  I’m Out is good at QB, WR, and TE but truly lacks the top tier players that can win matchups by themselves on any given week.  There are a lot of consistent players but all cap out in the mid tier of scorers.  Practicing with Tinder could be a good intro into scanning the waiver wire for potential studs.  Put that time in Abel.


Wild Cards

McCarthy is surrounded by talent and has a competent coach as he enters the NFL.  I think his range falls between a poor man’s Purdy as a game manager in a good offense and the efficient ceiling of Goff with some mobility.  I also like the acquisition of Charbonet; hoping a new coaching staff will realize he is actually the better RB in Seattle.  Addison flashed his potential last season and took full advantage of JJetta missing time.  Unfortunately, he will forever be the Robin to Jefferson’s Batman in this offense.  Lastly, Legette has a wide range of outcomes.  His one-hit-wonder of college production earned him round 1 draft capital but he enters a struggling offense as the #2 WR at best.  An improved #1 overall pick Bryce Young should deliver a better season in Carolina but I’m not sure how much of that small pie will go his way.




TIER 2 - THE MUDDY MIDDLE

This tier holds four teams fighting it out for two playoff spots.  All four teams had some pretty drastic makeovers on draft weekend as they jockeyed for position in the arms race to catch teams 1 and 2 in our rankings.  Honestly, all four teams were within a few points in my Power Rankings analysis; injuries and a little breakout luck will probably be the final factors in sorting this group.



#6 Off Suit 10’s – Power Ranking 74


Trade/Draft Grade: C- 

Hold on, I really have to prepare myself mentally for what I’m about to say. (clears throat)  I really like what Kyle has done over the past few seasons to rebuild this roster.  I think he is way farther ahead of where I expected at this point.  Stroud, Bijan, LaPorta, and McBride had put him in a great position to make the leap to the next level.  Ugh, that didn’t feel great.  


Unfortunately, I think OS10s dove for the proverbial goalline from midfield.  Going all in to acquire Kyler to complete the Harrison stack made sense to me.  Overpaying for a bench QB in Tua that doesn’t have a contract and one year of (hopefully) renaissance Kamara was a bit of a head scratcher given his roster construction. 


If this was any other team, I’d be worried that OS10s has no 1st or 2nd round picks for the next 3 years and that the rebuild might be perpetually stuck in neutral moving forward.  Fortunately, Kyle’s RV-slinging approach and active trading will surely make for some fun, some head-scratching chess moves.


Despite numerous amazing offers for the #1 pick, getting the best prospect in Harrison makes this a successful draft, regardless of what else happens.  I think he got some interesting WR dart throws in the mid rounds with the law firm of Mitchell, Polk & Corley.  If one of those develops into a solid fantasy WR2, he may be in good shape to hit his quarterly RV quota.


Roster Analysis

Reloaded with star power, the starting 10 can go toe-to-toe with any roster in the league.  I think everyone is anticipating London, Bijan, and Harrison to have breakout seasons to propel this team into contention.  I like the potential of JSN but he may be one year away with Lockett still demanding a portion of the pie and the talk of Metcalf being moved around (aka taking slot snaps).  My biggest concern is depth when it comes to injuries and bye weeks.  Having to start 2 TEs is not always a recipe for success even if they are the top two TEs and the drop in talent is significant after the starting roster.  He’s going to have to rely heavily on his heavily invested QB depth to carry him should injuries arise.  Maybe Sleeper will give Kyler a RB designation this season.


Wild Cards

The wildcards will undoubtedly determine the fate of this roster.  White (new OC), Kamara (age), Chubb (injury), Deebo (consistency), and the sophomore slump/step up for JSN and Stroud leave a lot of question marks.


His team will be much like his 4 bids, more than likely he’s missing his partner helper and this team’s out of the playoffs.  But sometimes, things line up and his partner’s Jack and Deuce fall making this team a dark horse for the finals.




#5 Smells Low - Power Ranking 76


Trade/Draft Grade: B- 

I love the addition of Purdy this offseason thru such a generous and fair trade offer; a young, productive QB tied to an amazing offense should be a great investment.  We’ll know in a year if he was worth McConkey and Corum and whoever Lansink lands in the 1st round next year.  


As for the draft day trade with Mitch, I think he gave up the two best assets in the trade (Higgins/’26 1st) for an aging Adams and injured Hock (Tuah!).  Admittedly, those guys are studs; just not “my guys” as I put on my Mel Kiper wig.  I may be eating my words in a playoff matchup if I’m wrong.


With only four picks in the actual draft itself, Riley showed us he has a type by selecting a couple of skinny fast guys in rounds 2 and 3.  As a Chiefs fan, I love the prospect of Worthy for my fantasy of the Chiefs threepeating but don’t love his situation for actual fantasy football.  There are a lot of mouths to feed in KC and all have similar skillsets.  Since Tyreek left, Mahomes has yet to lean on a guy to be the true #1… mostly he just throws to the open guy who’s dating the billionaire popstar rather than force-feeding volume to outside WRs.  I’m more than happy that he let Ladd fall to me one pick later.  


Like Riley at an orgy, Franklin has quick bust written all over him in my opinion. From predraft analysis to his fall in the NFL draft, it seems like everyone but Riley is out on this “go deep” prospect.  The only saving grace might be that his college QB will be throwing him the ball.  But who knows, Riley could’ve used that nose to sniff out some value when no one else could.  That said, Riley may have prayed to the Sun God once again and made the right call, as he did with Amon Ra a few years ago.


Roster Analysis

Everything I said about Off Suit 10s roster can be ditto’d here.  I love the starting 10 but can’t feel great about McLaurin, Jayden Reed, or Courtland Sutton coming off the bench on bye weeks.  Kmet filling in as the starting TE until Hock is back to 100% also means he enters most weeks behind in the TE matchup.  The Sun God and Breece are great anchors with week-winning upside but as Riley’s found out, penis pumps he traded three cock rings in for don’t provide the same kind of quality depth that solid drafting does.


Wild Cards

Does the addition of Saquon and the loss of Kelce spell the end of the tush push?  Does Hurts return to the mediocre passing QB with limited upside that he was drafted to be?  Does Davante still see 80% target share with the addition of an actual receiving threat in Bowers?  Can Achane get more touches to test his workload/efficiency or does he remain a situational weapon in the offense?  I’m taking the under on all of those bets AND I think Walker and James Cook take a small step back with their handcuffs taking some of the more valuable touches away.  On the bright side, I think Jaylen Warren is the more talented back in Pittsburg and I think the coaches know it as well.


Bottom line, I think Riley is in it until his date sees the rapist van thus falling just short of making a playoff run.




#4 Ah. It’s Early - Power Score 79


Trade/Draft Grade:  B-

I understand the Smith/Odunze trade but much like Seth joining my family, I just don’t like it.  Smith is a great WR but is now locked in to the #2 role in Philly for a long time with a mediocre passing QB.  I like the upside of Odunze paired with Caleb for the next 8-10 years.  That said, I understand that Smith is better for higher scoring right now, and we all know Seth is all about more scoring. (Boo that Finken joke)


And just like with my sister, Seth goes all in to get Kelce and propel himself back into the contender conversation.  Before that trade, I had Seth pegged as the #6 team heading into the season.  I dinged the draft grade a bit for the Montgomery trade (another win now move) as I think Southy won on that one.  With the limited draft capital left, Seth did a nice job with what he had.  Coleman has an empty net to step into the lead role in BUF.  Bucky and Audric walk into ambiguous RB situations where they control their destiny and can take the RB 1 spot by year end.


Roster Analysis

Unlike his neckbeard, AIE is solid across the board.  His QB room is 2nd best in the league and he has 8 WRs with great floors and unrealized ceilings.  Etienne and Rhamondre have room to level up this season with Montgomery and Harris providing quality depth and weekly fill in options.  A healthy Kelce puts this team on his back and carries them into the playoffs by himself.  I love the depth but would need to see one or two players join the elite week winning category to really move this team into the elite tier.


Wild Cards

Can Garrett Wilson actually become the fantasy stud we believe he is or will he always be a talented player wasted on bad QBs?  Do we get 2022 Waddle or 2023 Waddle?  Does Pickens take the opportunity to be a solid WR1 for his team or will he melt down when Arthur Smith turns him into Kyle Pitts?  Do the Chiefs save Kelce again all season for the playoffs to make sure he’s healthy?  As we found out, his QBs can only carry him so far.



#3 Rolling 4 Deep–  Power Ranking 83


Trade/Draft Grade: A+ 

Despite failing at most competitions and the constant haze around him at the draft, I think Finken snagged the best draft class this year.  As I put back on my Mel Kiper wig, he walked away with my #3 and #5 WR, the #2 QB and my #2 and #3 RB.  He also stole my favorite late WR prospect in Jermain Burton.  I think this draft class clearly puts him in the top tier for 2025 and beyond.


In a short-term hit to the roster, R4D traded away Devonta Smith to diversify his Iggles exposure.  I loved his move to add Kupp to replace that production this season while he waits for his solid prospects to grow into their roles by the time the playoffs roll around.  


Roster Analysis

I love the constantly high floor for Brown, Olave, Evans, and a healthy Kupp.  I think Gibbs and Barkley make a tough 1-2 punch at the RB slots and give a weekly positional advantage over most of the league.  This team is built for depth and can withstand some injuries and bye weeks without much of a drop-off.


Wild Cards

Much has been made about the Chargers run-first offense and how it may impact Herbert’s stats.  I think the lack of receivers will be the bigger hit and Herbert falls from his top 6 status to more of a QB 12 type.  Love, Daniels, and Rodgers should make great streaming options to choose from each week.  I think Kincaid is the new WR1 in Buffalo and enters the Dynasty TE1 conversation as Allen’s new go-to guy.   If Kupp and Evans are anywhere near their recent production and aren’t searching for retirement communities with me, this team punches its playoff ticket early again this season.




TIER 1 - ELITE COMPANY


#2 If We’re Using Logic - Power Score 92


Full disclosure, my patent-pending algorithm actually had my team slightly ahead of Southy.  Looking at the rosters side by side (and the perpetual promise of a good jinx), I just couldn’t move my squad above the returning champ… mad respect, Southy but that 17th title will be mine…


Trade/Draft Grade: A 

Heading into the playoffs last season, this team had a glaring weakness at RB.  This weakness (and Puka coming up 2 yards short of the endzone) proved to be the nail in the coffin on dreams of another championship run.

Determined to address the issue, IWUL made an aggressive play for Derrick Henry and took the top RB in the draft in Brooks.  Corum wasn’t a draft target but simply fell too far to pass up and Kimani Vidal is an interesting sleeper candidate in a muddled backfield.  


Nabers has superstar upside and all the buzz around McConkey adds two amazing WR prospects to what was already the best WR room in the league.  The only regrets from the draft were a potential missed opportunity in the 3rd round to move up and snag Lloyd and Burton from Finken.  Otherwise, this draft was knocked out of the park unlike anything seen since my 2020 Greatest Draft Ever™.

  

Roster Analysis

Respectfully and humbly, I would argue that IWUL boasts the best QB and WR rooms in the league and it’s not even close.  The high upside of the 2 best running QBs paired with the great floors of Stafford and Burrow help mitigate injury issues.  While most teams have 2-3 top 20 dynasty receivers, IWUL has 7.  This gives top-end flex matchup options every week.  Two reliable RBs mixed with some young potential give much-needed balance to the roster.  3 good to great TE options each week provide matchup streaming options as well.  


Wild Cards

While this team has some wild card questions to be answered, I think that most of them can only blow the top off an already explosive roster.  Is this the year Kyle Pitts fulfills the prophecy?  Does Richardson really break fantasy at the QB position? Is Brooks healthy sooner or later and will he get all the checkdown passing that White did in TB?  Will Nabers break into the elite tier with Daniel Jones as his QB?


On the other side of the coin, can Puka and Nico build on their breakout seasons and remain the elite WR options or will they come back down to Earth with Diggs and Kupp gobbling up targets?  Will the Colts offense actually be any good?  Can Josh Allen really do it all on his own?  Will Ceedee and Chase cause chaos if they don’t get the contract they want?  Can Burrow and Stafford actually stay on the field for a change?  I’m going to stick with my initial evaluations and ignore all these questions.  Much easier living in Never Never Land.  



#1 – F It 3 - Power Ranking 95


Trade/Draft Grade: B- 

Southy wheeled and dealed with limited ammunition this past weekend.  Moving up to snag a falling Pearsall was an interesting move.  I don’t think anyone denies his talent but starting the season at age 24 behind four established receiving threats might delay his useful fantasy window.  Love the player, hate the situation.  That is until Aiyuk gets traded and Deebo gets hurt because, you know, Southy.


In another interesting move, South purchased Metcalf for a future 1st.  Much like brown liquor, I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with Metcal. He is more boom/bust than I like but he always ends the season as a top 20 WR.  I see this continuing for 2-4 more seasons so it’s probably a smart play.


Fun draft fact #1:  Southy has made one 1st round pick (Jerry Jeudy) since the 2018 draft and does not have 1st next year.  

Fun draft fact #2: Southy made three 1st round picks in the 2018 draft (Derrius Guice, Ronald Jones, Sony Michel).  I guess I can see why he doesn’t value 1st round picks.  Might want to add that to your list of items to discuss with your therapist.


Overall, I like his use of mid-round picks.  I think Nix could be the 3rd best QB in this draft.  McMillan outperformed Odunze in Washington in 2022 before an injury-riddled 2023 and CMC’s brother is probably going to gym-rat himself into relevance at some point.  Tyrone Tracy was on my draft board.  With some Southy pixy dust, the 24.5 year old 5th round draft pick who recently changed positions could actually find a role as the passing down back in NY.


Roster Analysis


When you roster three of the top four redraft picks (CMC, Tyreeeeek, JJ) it is hard to bet against you.  Side by side each of the top-tier rosters has star power and depth.  I gave FI3 the edge due to McCaffery operating as a RB1 + WR1 combined and the more established depth pieces on his roster.



A healthy Mark Andrew is still a top 2 TE.  I think he returns and puts these young upstart TE pups back in their place.  Tyreek is gonna Tyreek and Lamar is always dangerous as one of the few legit QBs who can beat you with his legs or his arm.


I think Pacheco earned the pass catching work in KC last year and will be one of the better all around backs this year (should have given that 1st rounder a few years back).  Acquiring Metcalf was big in WR arms race and honestly won the leapfrog battle back over IWUL.


Wild Cards

Unlike IWUL, most of the wild card questions here are probably going to downgrade from expectations.


Is Deshaun really washed (um…yeah)?  Did Kyren have his 5 minutes of fame or do the Rams really believe in him (drafting round 3 RB says maybe not?)?  Is McCarthy good enough to support Jefferson and the Vikings offense like King Kirk could?  Does Aiyuk get moved or does he stay and get a slightly smaller piece of the pie with Pearsall in town?   What is left in the tank for Diggs, Mixon, Hopkins and Kittle?  The cracks are starting to show and this could be the beginning of the end for South’s reign over CNK.  





BONUS ANALYSIS:


As part of my trademarked and patent-pending super-secret algorithm, I use current redraft rankings to determine the consensus value of players on each roster.  Below is the chart showing how many players each roster would have in each round.





Friday, December 15, 2023

Season 11 - Playoff Preview

Our 11th regular season has come to a close and our playoff field has been set.  Once again, South has been crowned our regular season champ.  He finished with a 22-6 record and also posted the highest point total although not as dominant as previous years.  We noted last week, Finken and Chris secured their spots in the playoffs so it came down to Mitch and Abel for the last spot.  Jared didn’t feel overly comfortable with the idea of making the playoffs in back-to-back years, so he decided to spot Mitch a player by starting an inactive Stevenson on Thursday night.  With Dobbs taking both himself and Addison out of the equation, Abel found himself in the more familiar and comfortable confines of being out. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make Abel set a full lineup.  And when it comes to horses, he all know Mitch is the horse whisperer.

 


That left Garrett with a choice, take on the strongest opponent over 2 weeks or find the weakest and guarantee a spot in the finals.  He chose the latter by naming Finken as his opponent.  This makes sense as Finken’s QB options are as weak as his attempts at growing facial hair and his RBs are as unpredictable as a Kyle 4-bid.  Reached for comment, South had this to share “Like scolding Riley on the whirlyball court, I thought it was necessary or teach Finken a lesson.  You can’t just snatch up the backup TE I held for over a year six weeks after I drop him and expect no repercussions.”  That leaves Mitch and Chris to a two week dual on the other side for the chance in the title match, which we will delve into later. 

 

South choosing Finken.

First, let’s take a look at the Trump “Can’t Hack It” Bracket.  As we’re sure everyone remembers, we changed the format of this so that there’s actually something at stake.  All four teams will play a 3-week round-robin.  The team with the worst record will be responsible for the food at the draft.  The team with the 2nd-worst record will supply the drinks.  Record will supersede but points scored will break the tie.  This means we could have a new caterer after a few years of Kyle setting our table.  Let’s just hope it’s not Riley.  Then we’ll all be relegated to eating ass at an orgy in the back of an Osceola townie bar. 

 

Riley's idea of a great meal after his time in San Fran...

Before we move on, let’s also note that the top 4 draft order is now set and updated in the spreadsheet.  Results were tabulated by South’s Excel prowess and I guess we’re all just going to assume he got it right because none of us are going back to do that work.  Kyle was awarded the #1 pick by a pretty safe margin.  Word is he’s already submitted his card for Marvin Harrison Jr but another TE cannot be ruled out to fill the 3rd Flex spot once we allow it to go with LaPorta, McBride and Mayer.  Abel finished with the #2 pick but had already traded that to Lansink in their dubious draft day deal that moved him up two spots and added the perpetually underrated but always disappointing Kirk Cousins to his roster.  Don’t think Kevin Costner was steering the ship on that one Jared.  

Riley grabbed #3 by the cock ring for Mitch, which was gift wrapped by Kyle in the Hock deal.  Side note, Kyle, there’s your 4th TE for the Flex spot right there and you would’ve still had the 3rd pick.  Seth will pick 4th and had the 3rd highest point potential in the league.  This shows that Seth’s max points were there to make the playoffs and try to defend his title.  But it also shows that outside of sexual partners, his decision making is about as good as Brandon Staley on TNF. 

 

Seth setting his line-up each week.

But enough of all that, we have months to dig into draft talk.  Now let’s get to the playoff matchups…

 

Fuck It Three vs. Rollin’ 4 Deep

South comes into the playoffs on a hot streak after winning 4 in a row despite starting Jake Browning, and he is 6-0 in head-to-head matchups against the other playoff qualifiers.  His 49ers are up against the hapless Cardinals in a game where they should be able to name their own score and Kyren could do the same against the Commanders.  While Finken’s match-ups aren’t bad this week, they’re less ideal next week.  His only hope may be that Tyreeeeek and JJ are actually hurt and can’t make a go of it.  Finken’s QB combo of Howell and Love has been a pleasant surprise on the season but it’ll take a lot of overcome the 1-2-3-4 punch of CMC, Kyren, JJ and Tyreeeeeek.  South is currently a 25-point favorite and swept the season series.  We do not see much changing now.  FIT rolls 327.69-286.97

 


If We’re Using Logic vs. Play It Backwards

After facing each other in Week 14, Chris and Mitch get to run in back for the next two weeks now.  Mitch glided by Abel for the last playoff berth even after losing his 3 previous games.  Had he not made the playoffs, his max point total was the 2nd worst in the league and would’ve resulted in him having his choice of WRs after Kyle to pair up with his stable of senior citizen pass catchers.  Mitch swept the season series against Chris but is currently a slight underdog.  Mitch’s line-up is mostly lined with green match-ups except his QBs, who could both in line for rough days again great defenses.  Chris is feeling pretty good about the matchup as he plans to cheat his way to a victory either way.  The commissioner’s unbreakable password of BOOBIES does not present an obstacle to either his hacking skills or his moral compass.  IWUL goes to his 14th CNK finals 293.07-276.54


Chris justifying his actions.

And as always, just wanted to say thanks to everyone for this group.  This will likely be the last rankings before Chris forgets about the summer post-draft predictions so wanted to wish everyone a happy holidays.  It's fun to do these but we're all truly lucky to have a group where we can do something like this in good humor.  Take care and everyone have a Merry Christmas.  



Wednesday, December 6, 2023

Season 11 - Week 13

Week 13 is in the books and we only have one precious week of our regular season left before the fake football playoffs begin.  It’s been an entertaining season as there’s been lots of movement up and down.  And while once again, South’s clinched the #1 seed, he has been fallible and somehow found a way to take 6 losses against the bottom-feeders of the league giving hope to all others. 

Heading into our final week, there’s really only one spot left in the playoff picture.  As mentioned, South has locked up his pick of opponents in the 1st round as Finken could match his record but probably won’t outscore him by 245 points.  R4D and IWUL have secured their 6th and 23rd trips to the playoffs, respectively, with very strong performances in the 2nd half of the season.  Pretty impressive them being 2 of our most senior members of the league.    

 


That brings us to the drama, Abel vs. Mitch.  Winner gets the #4 hole, loser gets it in the b-hole.  Both are tied for the same record and face the highest scoring teams in Week 14.  Abel has an 18.5 point lead but has to face South.  Mitch has to overcome that deficit and faces The Traitor (as his daughter affectionately calls Lazer).  Neither come into this final week on a particular hot streak and will likely try to salvage a median-scoring win in order to sneak past the other. 

But we’ll dig deeper into that below as we get on with the Power Rankings…

1. Fuck It Three – Garrett obtained the #1 for the 12th year in a row accordingly to the Lansink League Archive.  Word has it he already has 5 spreadsheets going on possible outcomes and formulas to discover who he should choose to face.  Logic would suggest he choose the weakest opponent guaranteeing himself a place in the title game.  However, game theory would posit that he choose the strongest opponent to beat over a 2 week span and therefore, have a cakewalk in the title game.  He may need to reduce his high fructose corn syrup ratio in his blood stream in order to clear his mind and make the wisest decision.  Otherwise he could be saddled with his 6th runner-up finish in 11 years. 

 

South once again calculating incorrectly in the playoffs.

2. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken claimed his playoff spot with a win over Riley last week and rebounded after narrowly missing the playoffs last year.  He’s had a lot of things fall right for him this year despite losing Rodgers in Week 1.  Howell and Love (both waiver adds last year) have each been top 10 QBs to go along with Herbert, which according our research, no one had forecasted. Pollard, Gibbs and Barkley have balanced each other’s roller coaster weeks out and his veteran WRs have been set and forget.  And outside of LaPorta, Kincaid has proven to be the new Pitts, you know if Pitts were actually good at footballing.  When reached for comment on her husband’s recent hot streak, Rachel expressed “surprise at his sudden vigor.”  Stating “he rarely wows for long but I’m glad to see the stamina start to take shape.  Wait, what are we talking about again?” 

 

Finken's emotions from beginning to end of the year.

3. If We’re Using Logic – Chris took care of business these past two weeks but really it was getting those median-score wins in losses against South and Finken (how much did Chris lose to Finken by again?  Everyone should go look again, we’ll wait).  Lansink seems to be peaking at the right time as he hit his first 200+ game in 2 years to clinch his spot.  Even Chase having to catch passes from a different JB didn’t impact his production.  The Power Rankings reached out to Chris’s good friend Donald Trump for comment on his return to the playoffs.  He had this to say, “Possibly it’s one of the reasons, certainly it’s one of the very big reasons, trade and things related to trade, he got in in the first place.  I told him to stay away from CEH but no!  He didn’t listen much like those crooks in Georgia.  But I’m glad to see he’s overcome that mistake.  I’ve been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects, frankly.”

 

Chris has all Trump's advisors on stand-by for playoffs strategy. 

4. I’m Out – Getting the median score win in a loss against Chris was the key to staying alive.  He posted the 3rd most points on the week but may have lost TLaw, King Henry, Stevenson and Kirk for at least a week or two.  That means that Abel’s biggest opponent this week may not be South or even Mitch’s point total.  It may be the waiver wire.  He’s getting several guys back off byes to fill some of those spots but without the mystical land of the waiver wire, he may be may be a mere muggle relegated to a closet under the stairs.  We will have to see what sort of magic awaits in Week 14. 

 

The Fantasy Gods to Abel just when he's about to make a playoff run.

5. Play It Backwards – Back in the early stages of the season, we thought Mitch might’ve taken South’s spot as prime contender for the year, but that isn’t the case anymore.  He has lost 3 straight and 4 of the last 5 all while not scoring 150+ since Week 6.  We’re not statistics majors but our spreadsheets show that’s not great.  And he got chopped from the Guillotine League this week too (the curse of Chase strikes again, although this time it was because he didn’t play him).  Kyler and Kamara have bolstered his depth a bit but Ekeler and Kupp both look washed and his flex spots have been erratic at best.  All that being said, he could still sneak into the playoffs and make a run at the title.  Or he could miss them and end up with the 2nd pick.  Quite the conundrum.  When reached for comment on the matter, Aidan indicated that Mitch was unavailable as he was tending to his chores of smoking chickens and watering the horses. 

 

All of us to Mitch after the past 6 weeks.

6. Smells Low – Despite winning the title for most fun love life, Riley’s squad is not keeping up with his real-life scoring.  He barely broke 100 this week and had 3(!) players throw up a cock-ring on the scoreboard.  Despite his hopes early in the year, it’s been another forgettable season.  Luckily, he’s got plenty of threesomes and orgies on the calendar to ease the pain of this forgettable year.  With an orgy of talent at RB, a strong threesome of WRs and the master of the tush-push at QB, Riley only needs to fill in the right tight end in order to be dangerous in 2024.   

 

Be careful what you wish for in a threesome.

7. Off Suit 10s – Kyle may be bringing the draft meal again but he’s come on strong at the end of the year.  After beating South in Week 10, he’s rolled off 2 straight wins against Abel and Mitch and scored median-score wins as well.  He now has a chance in the last week to tie Seth in sharing the worst record.  As we mentioned in our last installment, he’s got some good young pieces to build around for next year and likely the #1 pick again to auction off to anyone but Chris.  Quite an accomplishment for where he was several weeks ago.  The league hasn’t seen a riser like this since all 3 of Chris’s sisters showed up at the Halloween party. 

 

Kyle's ready for the offseason.

8. Ah It’s Early – Even though Seth may not be the worst team, when you go from winning the title to eliminated from playoff contention this early, you deserve this fate. Your team is bad and you should feel bad.