Greetings gentlemen! This
quarantine is starting to get to us so we figured we’d a take look the Card
Night Kangs league to see where we finished with a half-assed look at where
we’ll be in 2020. Obviously, where we’ll
be is locked in our houses with screaming children and wives frustrated with
the inordinate amount of online pitch being played. Riley and Garrett’s only difference is that
they are the screaming children. Hopefully, this will provide a momentary
distraction from the monotony of every day running together and us slowly going
insane while simultaneously not trying to murder our families.
It’s a scary time with the COVID-19 running rampant around the country,
not only for our health, but also throwing the status of our trip to Vegas in
doubt. Even Southwest is teaming up with
our wives to try and make it harder to justify going. We’re sure Lehman’s certainly ok with it as
it keeps him as far away from potentially topless women. For the rest of us, we were all really
looking forward to a weekend of debauchery.
Everyone, please join the ranking committee in crossing our fingers in
hopes of relaxed early summer restrictions and a normal NFL season. Without it, we won’t know who to make fun of
for dropping the best WR of the draft.
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| Maybe it's for the better if he can't go to Vegas.... |
We’re presenting the rankings now as the final standings from
2019. There’s no way Riley truly deserves
to be #2 at this point but we’ll leave the prognosticating for 2020 up to Chris
once our draft is over. We’re sure that
he’ll be able to find some time in his busy schedule of rewatching the Chiefs
Super Bowl victory and evicting his delinquent tenants to put a season preview
together.
And now, on with the Power
Rankings…
1.
Fuck It Three – Southy finally got the monkey
off his back. Since coming in last place
in our inaugural year, he’s made the playoffs every year and finally tasted
sweet victory after his 6th try (probably because Lansink finally
wasn’t in his way). Tyyyyyreek wasn’t
kicked out of the league like he should’ve been and Lamar ended up being Vick
2.0. Kelce did his thing and his stable
of RBs deeper than a Riley splinter ended up getting the job done. Congrats to South. The guy finally had something go right in his
life. His team is ripe to repeat as he
tries to squeeze production out of Kelce and his aging RBs that are all
approaching their mid-20s. He’s got the 5th pick in this draft. Anybody want to give us odds on what he’ll be
picking there? Trade up if you want a running
back.
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| It's a get schwifty type of year for South. |
2.
Smells Low – Riley had no business making the
playoffs in 2019. His 6-point victory
over Southy in week 14 knocked Seth out and enabled him to somehow fall forward
into the championship game. As a
reminder, he scored the 2nd fewest points and went 7-7 to just sneak
into the playoffs. All this means is that
the RB he desperately needs that would’ve been there had he been picking at
1.1.-1.4 will almost surely not be there at 1.7. So good job Riley, you traded a runner-up
trophy for a much worse draft pick. Just
kidding. There’s not even a trophy for
that. He’s going to have a tough time
making the playoffs again. His QBs are
set and Kittle is cemented at TE1. However,
more than half of his 17 WRs will soon be headed to the waiver wire and he’s
got 1.5 starters at RB. He needs to
solve these issues first before he starts to think about what’ll take to defeat
South if he gets a rematch in 2020. Unfortunately
for his Tinder dates, he’s probably going to prioritize those problems ahead of
consistent housing and a reliable career.
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| Riley's living the life at home these past few weeks. |
3.
Play It Backwards – Despite a rough year by
Kamara and his QBs, the fire sale of Draft Day 2017? is starting to pay off. Mitch finished 3rd after FIT
dropped a 200 pointer on him in the first round of the playoffs. Unfortunately for Mitch, sometimes having the
2nd and 3rd highest scores in the playoff bracket will
only earn you the 6th pick in the draft. Free agency was an
interesting time for his roster and the results were mixed. Brady landed about as well as he could have
with a plethora of top-shelf weapons and an air-it-out coach. With Gronk recently added to that arsenal, it
should be like driving a tank toward a Revolutionary War battle line (those
Brits were so dumb). Kyler added Nuke to
his arsenal for pennies on the dollar and Drake got the lead role to himself in
the same transaction. However, there’s
no guarantee of starting snaps for his other 3 QBs. Foles might be taking Bortlisky’s job,
Brisset already lost his to Old Man Rivers and Tyrod could easily be supplanted
by $Cam, Jamies or a rookie. In under
two years, his depth at WR went from the Grand Canyon to the stream of water
running to his pond after a light rainfall. Mitch’s team is good enough to make
another run at the playoffs in 2020. Hopefully
this time he’ll remember to keep Drake in the RB slot.
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| Mitch's team is always teasing him. |
4.
Off Suit 10s – Our local RV huckster was in
prime position to take home his 2nd title as McCaffrey carried him
to a 12-2 finish in the regular season and totaling the most points, albeit
with multiple wins scoring less than 140 points. As a reminder, he also had the most points
going into the playoffs in 2018 as well.
But then an off week finally came and Riley knocked him out in the first
round of the playoffs in a mirror-image of Kyle’s fate in 2018 as both years he
had his 4th worst score of the year in the first round of the
playoffs. It was a story of what could
have been, much like if he’s have played the card that Chris wanted him to play. Now, outside of the 1.1 in any start-up, Kyle
is left with mostly unproven WRs, aging RBs, questions marks at QBs and almost
zero draft capital for the next 2 years.
Kyle’s prospects look worse than the dating pool at a Trump rally. On the bright side,
he’s finished above Chris the last three years, which is probably about all he
truly cares about.
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| Kyle's trying to tread water this year. |
5.
Rollin 4 Deep – Finken mapped out a plan, he OK’d
a huge trade with Lazer that would help execute that plan, and when the
playoffs came, that plan worked to perfection.
The only problem was that he lost 5 of the final 6 games of the season
with 3 by under 15 points and finished 5-9 to miss the playoffs. Now Lansink gets the 3rd pick
instead of the 8th. (My bad
guys. I don’t even think he could screw
up that pick in this draft but I guess we’ll see.) His roster is still primed to compete in 2020
even if he doesn’t make any moves with a stable of solid players at each
position. Let’s just hope that the risk
he took on that trade doesn’t expand to other facets of this life. He’ll be a dangerous card player if he begins
bidding 3 with Ace, Deuce, and two more.
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| Finken's motto. |
6.
Ah It’s Early – Outside of continuing to make
sweet, dirty love to Lansink’s sister, Seth had a disappointing year all
around. Mahomes and Dak kept him in most
matchups and even allowed him to post the highest scoring total of all
time. Unfortunately for him, pretty much
all of his skill players underwhelmed and he ended up 6-8 and just outside of
the playoffs. It could be much of the
same this upcoming year as well. He’s
locked in for a decade at QB and his top few WR options are still strong but
the rest of the roster doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence. Like Riley’s love life, Gordon is splitting
time with two guys now and DJ will be supplanted by whatever RB O’Brien trades
Watson to move up to get. With Gronk’s
un-retirement solving his short-term TE problems and probably filling his RB need
at 1.5, the only change he might need to make is to his garage code.
7.
If We’re Using Logic – Chris decided mid-year
that it was time to tear it down and fully commit to a rebuild. He traded Julio, Matty Ice, and Ingram to
Finken for, what ended up being, some amazing draft capital. But he missed on the ultimate prize of 1.1 by
falling to Abel in the playoff. Only
time will tell if he can turn 1.2 and 1.3 into Joe Mixon and Christian
McCaffrey or Laquon Treadwell and Derrick Henry. Having 1.2 and 1.3 and a couple seconds and
thirds clearly isn’t enough for this master craftsman’s rebuild though. Chris has been trying to cash out on Ekeler
and Henry for the past month in exchange for as much draft capital as he can
hoard. Chris is so infatuated with this
draft class Jonathan Taylor has had to file for a restraining order. Chris Hansen was even seen recently
approaching Chris’s house with a camera crew close behind. He had better be studying the QBs since he’s
currently only got 2 starters on his roster.
He’ll definitely leave our draft weekend with some high potential
pieces, which should put him in prime position to contend for his 9th
title in 2023.
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| Chris, we need to talk about your fantasy football intake during this quarantine period. |
8.
I’m Out – Abel showed some signs last year of
being frisky. After going 0-14 in 2018,
he regrouped and put together a 6-8 season.
Although he was again the low scorer on the year, he was respectably
within 120 points of 5 other teams.
Additionally, he was in the playoff race and would’ve made it for the
first time had Riley faltered in the final week. Had it played out that way, Abel would’ve
beaten Lehman (don’t forget Kyle had the best record and scored the most points,
again) but then would’ve lost to South in the title game. So ultimately it’s probably for the best that
Abel didn’t make it and won the 1.1 away from Chris instead. He’s got 2 first round picks the next few
years so he should be able restock the shelves a bit but could also use those
to replenish his depth. However the
trade offers we’ve seen of 1.8 for 3 cases of Busch Light we believe would be
frowned upon. However he chooses to
build, he continues to need to make better use of the redshirt rule, legit trade
offers and the waivers in general. Can’t
keep bringing a knife to a gun fight.
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| Abel's got a little more work to do in order to fight his way to the top. |
