Week 10 is in the books and it’s been almost 2 months now since we checked in with our fake football leagues. We’ve barely played cards in that span so we figured we’d try and break the cold streak before Thanksgiving; see if we can’t get this to be a little more regular like Lazer’s doctor-recommended fiber supplements and of a quarterly event, like Finken’s sex life.
First let’s start with the Guillotine league. It was a fun experiment but is no longer interesting so let’s move… Fine, let’s discuss. South was the first eliminated from this group, going out in Week 3 when Stafford, Mixon, Tyreeeek and Gabe Davis all fell flat. Ironically the same happened in his dynasty matchup against Riley that week. The problem is that Riley’s team is terrible and managed to still let South win by a mere 0.38.
Next it was Kyle getting chopped in Week 6 when his bench damn near
outscored his starters. Finken was
chopped in Week 9 when Waller was a late scratch and allowed Riley to survive
by a nose hair. We’re now coming up on
Week 11 with 4 remaining out of 15 and wouldn’t you know, it’s Seth, Chris,
Riley and Mitch remaining. Way to
represent the CNK boys. It’s amazing
looking at the rosters this late with each of the four looking like South's dynasty team, each is more stacked than Riley's sister.
Finally let’s get to what we all really care about, no not the mountain of mediocrity that is the B1G West standings that Iowa is destined to fall ass-backwards into winning by scoring 12 points a game. It is our beloved CNK dynasty league. We’re obviously all too busy to get together and hang out over cards and laughs anymore so let’s at least disparage each other from afar over the internet. We can’t let this fall apart and lose touch. There’s only 4 weeks left of the regular season so we need to remember to cherish these precious few as they will soon be gone, much like Riley’s bachelor-hood or Chris’s control over his bowel movements. Plus the trade deadline is this Saturday (Nov 19) so let’s get some activity flowing. And now, on with the Power Rankings….
1. Fuck It Three – Well, if you’re into reverse regression candidates,
then Garrett’s season is textbook. As
you’ll recall last year, he easily led the league in scoring but somehow
stumbled into only going 7-7 and missed the playoffs. Despite of how fun that was last year, we
changed our rules to make sure nothing interesting or vaguely unusual will ever
happen and added the vs-the-league component.
Well FIT didn’t need that this year as he’s leading the league in
scoring and sitting atop our standing unbeaten at 10-0. Despite trading Kelce away and replacing him
with Andrews up-and-down scoring, he’s got the top 3 scoring WRs and posted a
+190 score in 6 games. Oddly, the reverse
regression continues as his only two clunkers came against the two worst teams where
just about any other squad that week would’ve taken him to the woodshed. With the top seed in the playoffs a foregone
conclusion, Garrett can shift his focus to preparing a spot on his wall for the
CNK trophy, as long as he doesn’t run into Chris in the playoffs again.
2. Ah It’s Early – After a relatively slow start, like with Chris’s
sister, Seth’s come on strong. He’s won
4 straight after getting Dak, Godwin and Nuke back and recently took down his
closest competitors in Mitch and Chris.
He’ll have a tough go this week without Waddle, Godwin or Uncle Lenny
but he might be doing with Fournette for some based on how washed up he’s
looked the past few weeks. With this
positive momentum, Seth is primed to make his first run at a title since his second cousin, David Johnson, carried him to the promised land in 2016.
3. Play It Backwards – Mitch was just about keeping pace with South,
starting the season 5-2, but has stumbled a bit lately, losing 2 of the past
3. This could continue now that Kupp’s
as valuable as Kyle’s side of that trade for the rest of the season. This could all be karma as not many people
would just brazenly ignore the rules (and texts) by keeping 5 starting QBs on
their roster as he did in weeks 8 and 9.
Chris is still waiting to pick up Willis on waivers. Rules are rules and we here at the Power
Rankings are recommending that Mitch be dragged thru the streets of Indianola
in shame to pay penance for his crimes.
Or something because this is not ‘Nam…
We await reparations Mitch.
4. If We’re Using Logic – Chris has had quite the roller coaster season
this year. He’s only been able to string
2 wins together once and most of his wins come against the dregs of the
league. He’ll attribute most of this to losing
future league MVP Trey Lance to injury, future FanDuel spokesman Calvin Ridley
to suspension and future KC-area used car salesman CEH to sucking. Also, Taylor/Swift has barely played live
this year (see what we did there) and Pitts can only be found in a pile of
Falcon shit. But despite all that, he’s
still right in the hunt sitting at 4th in scoring and on the edge of
the playoffs, which is right where he was last year at this time. A chip and a chair is all Chris needs. Well, that and his prune juice.
Chris every time another key piece goes down.
5. I’m Out – Abel is also right in the hunt for the last playoff
spot. He’s somehow managed to patch
things together without really any WRs with a plethora of solid RBs he can keep
throwing at his opponents. Henry may
never slow down while Jacobs and Jamal Williams have been pleasant surprises. Even Pierce and Stevenson have grabbed the
starting spot in their respective offenses and not looked back. Kelce has given him the TE cheat code and
while his QBs may be terrible in real life, for fantasy, they’re good
enough. And after beating Finken last
week and getting Riley this week while Chris has to deal with South, Abel could
be sitting in prime position for a playoff run for 2 years in a row.
6. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken’s trying to stay in the hunt for that last
playoff spot but it’s going to be tough.
His team is still deep on options each week but most outside of Barkley
aren’t living up to expectations.
Herbert and Rodgers have faltered without their stud WR options and his
WRs have been too hit or miss. Probably
time to unload some of those aging assets to contenders for their run at South
and scrounge what he can for them. That
way he can turn his focus to the NU coaching search. I’m sure that will turn out way better than
the past few. Probably as well as Lazer
predicting Finken to finish second this year.
7. Smells Low – This year has not gone as planned for Riley. Russell Wilson heading to Denver and Mac
Jones heading into year two along with his corps of young RBs was going to
carry him to the promised land. Well it
turns out Seattle fleeced the Broncos worse than that time Mitch got Kupp for
magic beans and a Tupperware full of Spencer Petras’ shaved pubes. Then the injuries to Dobbins, Javonte and
Breece piled up. Now he’s left starting
a 2nd TE in his flex. At
least he’s actively embracing the white flag and throwing out guys available on
his roster and he’s got the draft capital to reload again next summer. If he nails that draft and his RBs get
healthy, he’ll be poised to be even more disappointed when they all get
turn into pumpkins again next year.
8. Off Suit 10s – Kyle knew what he was in for this year and it’s gone
about as expected. He won the first game
of the year and then immediately hit an 8 game losing streak, which he finally
broke last week against Chris (we can’t imagine how sweet that must’ve felt to
Lehman). And sandwiched in there was an
almost all-time low score of 77.38. But
honestly OS10s has been fairly competitive even with Skyy Moore looking like
one of the busts of the draft. The light
at the end of the tunnel is about as dim as a guy from Winterset, but at least
there is light…
