Week 7 is in the books and it’s been 6 weeks since we checked in on the Card Night Kangs and since no one else came to pick up the mantle, the Power Rankings is back to see where we all stand. We are now halfway thru our regular season (depressing sign) and everyone has played each other once. This means we’re all about to go back for sloppy seconds. We’d love to dig deeper into scoring trends or patterns or player rankings but this stupid Sleeper app we switched to isn’t set up to do any of that easily so I guess we’ll just continue to settle for less. Thanks Riley.
Everyone every time they open the Sleeper app.
There have been a few surprises in our first half that are worth
noting. Chris has been the top scoring
team and essentially at #1 in the standings since the beginning. Seth sits in a good spot tied record-wise for
#1 even though his point total doesn’t reflect that feat so we’ll see if that
lasts. Kyle’s success at #3 remains surprising
with the 6th most points while Finken and Riley hang on to a .500
record. But the new 8th wonder
of the world continues to be South and his 5-9 record. He has had by far the most points scored
against him but after years of domination, it’s still odd to see his name at
the bottom of the rankings. The back
half of the season will really test the depth of each of these rosters as
injuries continue to pop up and bye weeks really start to affect things. If the injuries continue to pile up, Kyle’s
remaining $100 of FAAB could be the 2024 MVP.
Our two tankers remain steadfast in their goal of the suck. Mitch is doing what he can to trade away anyone scoring points while Abel just finds it easier not to start them. Abel, they still count towards your max-points-for when they’re on your bench in the battle for pick #1 so you might as well try and knock off a few of these clowns and keep things interesting. You might even be able to improve some of that draft capital you own by knocking someone out of the playoffs.
But enough of all that, let’s get to the reason we’re all here. We need a mid-year report card of the
CNK. We will try and get into the other
leagues next week but for now, on with the Power Rankings…
1. If We’re Using Logic – After some bold predictions in the offseason,
Chris has gotten off to the roaring start on the back of the monster in
Baltimore named Derrick Henry and his crop of 8 top 5 WRs. CD hasn’t replicated his 2023 stats but
Nabers has been more than happy to take his place. The most impressive thing is that he’s done
all this without long stretches of Puka, JT, Nico and the lynchpin of it all,
CEH. We didn’t list Richardson as he has
ended up being much less $Cam Newtown and much more Ja’Marcus Russell. In two years when Flacco is still taking AR-15’s
snaps from his wheelchair, Lazer is going to feel worse about that pick that
when he started renting his slums out to those Haitian migrants.
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| Lansink evisting his next tenet. |
2. Ah It’s Early – Seth came into the year hoping to keep riding
Mahomies and the DakAttack to greatness but it turns out, all he really needed
was Baker and Goff. The same could be
said for his trade of Kelce being unnecessary when he had the answer of Kraft
all along. Godwin and Garrett Wilson
have carried his WRs so far so it’ll be interesting to see how he manages his
roster now that Godwin is out and Wilson is competing with Adams for Rodgers
affection. Most of Seth’s success has
come from his consistency. Seth has
scored somewhere around 150 each week outside of a few weeks that were just
outside that amount. However, when you
think about it, this makes sense. If
there’s one thing he know about how Seth operates, it’s all about constantly
and consistently scoring.
3. Off Suit 10s – Like his 2024 RV discount blow-out event, everyone was skeptical of Kyle’s rebuild for this year but the proof is in the pudding. Kyler and Stroud have been solid even if Bryce and Tua might never set foot on the field again. Bijon and Drake have taken the leap in the ATL and Kamara is playing like it’s 2019 again. But what Kyle really needs is for Harrison to be the guy that Nabers has already proven he is. Let’s just hope Kyle doesn’t drop him for some waiver wire treasure next week. Kyle’s two TE offense hit a bit of a snag when the Lions decided to stop featuring LaPorta. He’s been used less than Kyle’s DraftKings app and if that continues, his value will continue to plummet down the LaPorta-Potty…
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| See what we did there? |
4. Rollin’ 4 Deep – The year has gone mostly how Finken drew it up. Daniels has been great so far and Barkley has taken over the goal line role with the Iggles. But Jayden finally got folded up last week and Kinkaid’s kink has been more knock-off, no-lube Fleshlight than one of the premium anal bead sets, at least according to what Riley tells us. Not to mention his WRs have taken a bigger beating than his Huskers at Indiana. What Finken didn’t count on was putting up the 2nd most points but only sitting at a mediocre 7-7 record. This is primarily due to losing 4 wins over the past 3 weeks by around 1 point a apiece. And in none of these cases was there a stat correction to save him.
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| Finken waking up Tuesday mornings checking on his shoe-in wins. |
5. Smells Low – Riley also sits at 7-7 and just a few points behind
Finken. Like the peak on his face, Riley’s
put up a few huge peaks in scoring this season at 215+ twice. But he’s also posted scores as deep as the
valleys of those nostrils as well. Those
215+ weeks have kept him in contention but his inconsistency has kept him from
the elite level so far. His team is full
of quality depth and now that Davante Adams has a home and Achane may get a
functioning (albeit wrapped in bubble wrap) QB back soon, Riley could save his
season the way he continues to try and save the whales or bats or whatever the
hell hippie cause he’s working for these days.
That is if he’s actually working and not just living in some CA opium
den/concubine. With Riley, all options
are usually on the table.
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| Behold, the story of Riley's season. |
6. Fuck It Three – Garrett continues to find himself in a situation he didn’t think he’d be in. Under .500 and on the outside looking in. Lamar and his RBs have been steadily good and even Jefferson has been better than expected with Darnold. He can see the light at the end of the tunnel as CMC is supposed to start practicing again soon and his team’s been a little more consistently good as of late. Much like Cara Johnson when Seth walks into the room, Garrett’s defenses are pretty much non-existent. He’s had the most points scored against him by 130 points. If luck balances out in the 2nd half, he could sneak into the playoffs with a rested Christian, which makes him as dangerous as a Trump supporter at an all-you-can-eat McDonald’s buffet.
7. Play It Backwards – Mitch and Abel sit both at 3-11, which means nothing as we all know they aren’t making the playoffs. However, the race for #1 is nearly as close as their records, with Mitch sucking slightly less than Abel in “max points for” at 1,068 vs 1,045. Looks like Abel’s experience at not being good is finally paying off. Mitch continues to remove aging assets off his roster for young potential and draft picks. He also gets to root for Kyle and Finken to flail so that he ends up with a few more top 4 draft picks. Caleb is getting his act together to fill one QB slot but it seems like the Fields and Levis experiments might be up. If nothing else, Bowers will almost assuredly be TE going into next year and could be the new Kelce TE Cheat Code. With the right draft and/or trades, he’ll be right back into contention in 2025…that is, if Heidi allows it.
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| Heidi checking in on Mitch's plans for next year. |
8. I’m Out – Abel, we know you’re deep in the tank and want the best draft capital you can. But you need to actually start the best lineup you can each week. There’s now been 3 weeks where a non-active player has been in your starting line-up. I know it’s a rigorous task while you’re balancing all the Tinder/Bumble/FarmersOnly/Hinge/Match/EHarmony/Grindr apps but you’re competing with someone else for the #1 spot and possibly beating others or affecting the median score outcome. Let’s keep this fun and above board. If you need a lesson on the new auto-sub feature, contact Geico. It’s so easy, even a caveman could do it.
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| Come on Abel, you can do it, we believe in you. |
