Season 4 - Week 3

Wow, that escalated quickly.  After last season of being a rather boring repeat of the year before, this one is off to a bang.  Through 3 weeks, the only playoff team from last year still in the top half is South.   The year of the underdog has continued with 3 of the 4 underdogs winning again this week.  It’s still early to declare anyone out but a few teams had better kick it into gear if they really want to contend this year.  Byes are starting this week and suspended players are starting to reemerge, so depth and decision making will be tested even further.

 Hot Take Trade Analysis – Mitch gets Marcus Mariota, Abel gets Sam Bradford and LaGarrette Blount – Abel gives up way too early on a high potential QB asset in order to get another MN player on his roster.  The throw-in RB can easily punch his way into the end zone in a potent offense but is also not beyond punching his way into suspensions.  A win now move for Abel and another solid rebuilding move for Mitch who looks to contend by the time Trump is done with his first term.

A mighty fine deal for the both of us my good sir!

 And now on with the Power Rankings…

1.       Off Suit 10s – As pathetic as his wins have been, Kyle remains undefeated at 3-0.  The perennial underdog did it again by barely breaking triple digits.  Luckily he was going against the only other team he could’ve beaten in Riley.  Every other team would’ve smoked his sorry ass.  Most likely his team is more of a fraud than a Wells Fargo savings account but for now, the Ponzi scheme is still going strong.  He gets a Rodgers-less Finken this weekend but is once again a heavy underdog.  Let’s see if he can split those sixes one more time. 

And then poof, Lehman will be gone from the #1 spot.

 

2.       Ah It’s Early – In reality, Seth really should be at the top spot of this list but we’ll let Kyle have his day in the sun since it probably won’t last much longer.  Seth took down the powerhouse a week after getting nosed out by Riley while scoring almost 180.  Stafford could be the garbage-time king of fantasy this year and David Johnson, Jordy and Melvin Gordon have been tearing it up.  If AIE’s team can stay healthy, then it’s here to stay.  The next stop on the worst-to-first train is Abel, who can’t possibly optimize his roster three weeks in a row…can he?
 

Seth does what few can, rips victory away from South.

3.       Fuck It Three – Garrett took a step back this past week as his QBs and Flex starters were held mostly in check.  Big Ben, Hopkins and Matthews put up Mitch-esque scores and Kelvin could’ve been swapped out for Hellen Keller with no impact.  Giving up Diggs has hurt FIT’s depth a bit, but Hopkins and Benjamin are due for a bounce-back games against soft Ds this week.  Getting Bell back will help, especially with Doug Martin hurt but he’ll need all his Steelers to score more than Seth at a Lansink family reunion to remain competitive. 
 

No reason, this is just hilarious and seems appropriate for South.

4.       I’m Out – Maybe-Competent-Abel has put together a 2^nd straight solid outing and was almost flawless in his decision making again.  This time it wasn’t his QBs that propelled him but flex players with Starvin-Marvin Jones and Murray going crazy.  With only one bench player scoring above 8 points (and that was only 11), the lack of depth is sure to catch up to him sooner rather than later.  Unfortunately, the waiver wire has not been part of his management strategy and his lack of experience with it could hinder future progress at building said depth. 

Somehow Abel keeps making it happen.

 

5.       Rollin 4 Deep – Finken got off the slide after losing 2 in row by putting up high points and taking the defending champ down.  As usual, he managed to leave his highest point-scorers on the bench for the 3^rd straight week even though his starters showed up for this matchup.  Maybe this team can flourish now that he isn’t compelled to start AP every week since he was scoring fewer points than Abel has left on his driving record.  He’d better hope Lehman’s luck runs out this week or else the uphill battle to the playoffs will be more difficult than convincing Chris that made a terrible play in pitch.
 

Finken keeps failing to make the right picks.

6.       If We’re Using Logic – HOFer Doug Baldwin did what he could but he can only carry Lazer so far.  Chris made some awful decisions in playing Gronk instead of Bennett, DeAngelo instead of 3 other RBs that would’ve fared better, the Miami D instead of his own beloved Chiefs, and Cobb who’s still partying like it’s 2015.  But it would’ve taken a major effort to overcome Finken this week.  Eli has completely shit the bed the past 2 weeks and ODBag might be the 3^rd best WR on that team now.  With a chance to get right against Mitch, IWUL will rebound this week counting on a healthy Gronk.  But going for a 3peat at 1-2 is less ideal than having to call Patrick to make a 6^th for cards. 

All of these Fitzpatrick picks could've been Lazers.

 

7.       Smells Low – Riley fell back to Earth this week after dropping a heartbreaker to Lehman by 4 points after just squeaking by Seth last week.  This drop may be a bit preemptive but Riley’s up against South next week and is currently almost a 25 point dog.  It’s kind of good news/bad news for Riley.  He does get some hardware this week, the bad news is that it’s the Cesaer Bad Manager of the Week award.  He could’ve subbed in either of his QBs or a number of RBs that would’ve given him the win over Kyle.  It’s a good thing that in future careers, the only thing he’ll be managing is some kind of insect and a ham-beast or two from Tinder. 

Riley's bad management may knock him back even further.

 

8.       Play It Backwards – Let’s check in on Mitch’s season so far…(also applies to auction league)

Season 4 - Week 2

Week 2 has come and gone and needless to say, it was a lot more entertaining than our opening week of blow-outs.  While there were still two 60+ point wins, there were also two games decided by only a few points and were won each by the underdogs.  One came down to the Sunday night game and the other come down to the Monday night game. 

But before we get on with the rankings, let’s check in on the Iowa football team…

 

 

….aaaaaaand back to the Power Rankings.

1.       Fuck It Three – Nothing unusual here, South once again dominated even though 2 of his main starters didn’t show up.  He now has high points and is 2-0.  FI3 is the clear favorite to win the league as Benjamin is emerging as Cam’s go-to guy and he’ll also get Bell back in week 4.  It’s a nice consolation prize to the rest of the league to only be funneling money into his childless bank account during football season now rather than every Wednesday night. 

South just seems to keep rolling.

 

2.       Off Suit 10s – I really wish we would’ve played cards this week during SNF.  Chris had a 22.82 lead going into the Pack-Vikes game with Cobb still in play.  All he had to worry about was an undrafted sophomore WR whose best fantasy game of his career netted 23.7 points.  But then Bradford came out throwing darts to Diggs and Cobb put his 2015 jersey on.  Usually just getting a win over Lansink would’ve made Kyle happier than Abel at a NASCAR themed wedding, and he probably would’ve just quit after that.  But a 1.08 win when Lazer thought he had it all wrapped up has to be one of the top entries in Kyle’s ‘Journal of Times That I’ve Really Pissed Chris Off.’  Kyle now finds himself at 2-0 even though he was a heavy underdog in each matchup and has to make a run of this expected lost season.  We’ll see if OS10s can sustain this as only 7 guys on his entire roster scored in double digits this week.  Getting Charles back is going to help but losing Abdullah, Ertz and Foster could hurt worse than losing to an FCS school.

Diggs digging Lansink's grave.

 

3.       Smells Low – Riley gets the top spot of the 1-loss teams this week for knocking off the 2^nd highest scorer of Week 2, Seth.  And since these rankings are really pretty arbitrary at this point in the season, it seems fair since Riley’s team will eventually crash harder than South coming off a three-day Mountain Dew and Skittles bender.  A bunch of random guys had decent weeks and the Denver D shut down Indy.  Riley seemed headed for tragedy after the Sunday games were completed after leaving the 2 highest scorers on his bench.  But Ryan Mathews came through on MNF with a last minute garbage TD to nose him into the lead.  He has another tough matchup against Kyle in the battle of overachievers, and he’s still 2 weeks from getting Brady back.  The good news is that even living off the grid in Canada (or wherever he is), he’s still managed to figure out how to use the waiver wire.

Von Miller will probably be Riley's MVP as well.

 

4.       Ah It’s Early – Seth had to feel pretty good going into MNF with a 12.26 lead (although not as good as Chris on Sunday) and only the fragile Mathews to worry about.  But he saw his lead disappear as Cutler was generously donating fumbles and picks to the Iggles, and they padded their score with a 2^nd Mathews TD.  It’s nice to know that Seth could take solace not only in the tender touch of Chris’s sister, but also in knowing that there weren’t really any roster moves he could’ve made that would’ve given him the win.  At least with South on the schedule next, he’ll know long before Sunday night that his chances of winning are as thin as his beard.

 

5.       If We’re Using Logic – We couldn’t put Chris ahead of Seth because, well you all know.  Chris suffered the worst beat of the year so far and it didn’t have to be so.  If one of you selfish bastards would’ve just traded him a ham sandwich for HOFer Doug Baldwin, he could’ve avoided this mess.  But instead he was stuck having to play him instead of the 10 other guys that would’ve given him the win.  Literally only 5 guys on his bench could not have taken Chris to victory.  And for that, Lazer is awarded the Casaer Award for worst manager of the week.  Next up for IWUL is a date with 0-2 R4D, who claimed the Week 1 Caesar Award.  Let’s see who can screw up the decision making the most this coming week.

Doug Baldwin isn't a top WR?

 

6.       I’m Out – Abel rebounded nicely after losing to his fellow Winterset colleague by destroying Finken.  His QBs went off and he pretty much maximized his roster management, which is believed by the Power Rankings to have been a complete accident.  All-of-a-sudden-competent-Abel now has a chance to go on a nice little run matching up against the worst team in the league next followed by the unluckiest team in the league.  And to top it all off, he still has all of his FAB money left.  He’s probably waiting to see which star Kyle drops by week 4.  That’s just the kind of good management and forward thinking that will keep him climbing these rankings.

Abel's got us all right where he wants us.

 

7.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken fields by far the most disappointing team so far this season.  His starters have underperformed and he’s continually leaving significant points on the bench.  Seriously, Finken’s roster decisions have been worse than a Ryan Knight 4-bid.  Things won’t get any easier with Lansink and Kyle coming to town the next few weeks and AP going on the shelf.  A few more losses early in the season and Finken’s only goal might be to go for the 1^st pick 3 years running.

Again...

 

8.       Play It Backwards – Mitch, you might want to get comfortable here.  Spruce the place up a bit, decorate as you see fit as it looks like #8 will be yours for a while.  You might want to rename it the “Singles Bar” due to the amount of single digits sprinkled across your roster.  Losing Woodhead for the year is going to be quite a blow and your time with Garoppolo looks to be ending sooner than expected.  We really tried to think of something positive to say about your team to close out the rankings, but it’s filled with more garbage than E! Network.

Mitch's team so far this season.



Season 4 - Week 1

The NFL has arrived but we here at the Card Night Kangs know that it’s the fake football teams that really matters.  We are now in Year 4 of our dynasty league and it seems like everyone has kind of figured it out by now (except Abel).  Chris at least thinks he has it figured out but let's remember, Kyle's ineptitude is his main reason for success.  An early draft made for some questionable decision-making but now it’s time to play some games and make people do stupid shit if their players get suspended.

 

How did we let Lazer win this league again?!?!?

Speaking of suspended, let’s check in on suspended players on people’s rosters and see if we can figure out a proper punishment for their owners…

-          Josh Gordon – 4 games for violation of the league’s drug policy.  Kyle should not be able to bid over his partner for the same 4 weeks (unless it's Chris, then he's required to).

-          Le’Veon Bell – 3 games for missing multiple mandated drug tests.  Suspension was reduced from 4 games to 3.  South should be forced to actually show up for 3 card nights in a row without any form of sugar in hand. 

-          Karlos Williams – 4 games for violation of the league’s substance abuse policy.  We could say that shotgunning 6 beers in 6 minutes would be an apt punishment, but for Abel, that sounds like a standard Tuesday evening.

-          Martavis Bryant – 1 year for multiple violations of the league’s substance abuse policy.  Mitch, you need to bake up a batch of Walt and Jesse’s finest, and bring it to cards for everyone to share.

-          Tom Brady – 4 games for deflating game balls in last year’s playoffs.  Riley, you’re required to collect nudes from a minimum of five willing females and show them off at cards so that we can all revel in just how deflated our own balls are.

-          Honorable mention – Josh Brown – suspended 1 game for violation of the personal conduct policy (i.e. domestic abuse).  Abel saved his ass here by switching him out with Blair Walsh before the season started otherwise Rachel would be bringing the thunder.

 

Time to pay up boys.  And now, on with the rankings…

1.     If We’re Using Logic – La Lazer is our reigning 2 time champ and until he is knocked off this pedestal, he deserves this spot to open the season.  Lucky for us that he is such a humble and graceful champ, otherwise, it would be unbearable.  Riley didn’t put up much of a fight and Chris took care of business even without Gronk in Week 1.  No one really blew up except future HOFer Doug Baldwin and soon-to-be backup RB DeAngelo Williams, but overall, it was solid enough to get the job done.  His starting lineup is probably better than anyone’s but if injuries start to hit, depth could become an issue.  Seth could probably give advice on how to handle the injury bug from last year and from what Cara says, depth is usually his issue too. 

Chris thinking about another year of sister jokes.

 

2.     Fuck It Three - After only winning 1 game in the first year of this league, Garrett has been on a roll finishing 2nd each of the last 2 years as well as top 2 in scoring both years.  We hope he’s content with only fantasy success since, as we married guys all know, his scoring is about to come to a screeching halt after the honeymoon.  South got a bit lucky that Finken couldn’t optimize his lineup but he scored the most points and will get Bell back soon.  He was also a bit quick on the trigger to try and add TE Jesse James to his roster from the waiver wire.  When reached for comment, Annie acknowledged that this issue spills over into other parts of their lives but refused to go into further details. 

4 and South is spent.

 

3.     Off Suit 10s – As usual, Kyle was the most active member in the league again this past year and that is not meant as a compliment.  He managed to take a few really good players and trade them away for a bunch of decent players that he’ll have to cut.  And now the yearly tradition begins of other owners picking up Kyle’s roster rejects to round their own team into championship shape.  But who are we to talk, Kyle’s 1-0 right now.  He did take the questionable strategy of starting 2 mid-tier TEs instead of a number of players who would’ve scored more.   He’ll have to be more selective going against Chris next week.  Unless he’d like Chris to tell him which guy to play.

Negotiating with Kyle.

 

4.     Ah It’s Early – Much like Finken’s feeble attempt at running a 5K, Seth’s team was destroyed by “injuries” last year.  Losing Romo, Dez, Jordy and Allen for the season ruled out any thought of contending.  He also didn’t help himself by drafting Melvin Gordon instead of Todd Gurley although, as his name indicates, it’s early.  Unfortunately Romo and Allen have already fell to the same fate and Jordy and Dez have been restricted from handling sharp objects.  But Seth remains in the top half since he pulled off the victory over Mitch despite not starting Gordon after he discovered what the endzone looks like.  Seth could easily get to 2-0 with Riley's pathetic squad on the schedule next.  But let's not start confusing Seth with Belichick.

Even I couldn't win with this crap roster.

 

5.     Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken finally got into the playoffs last year and cashed that glorious 3rd place check.  Between that, Seth’s late season run giving Finken Zeke Elliott and Lamar Miller landing in Houston, everything’s coming up roses for R4D.  However, that all came to an end when he made a last second decision to swap out Cooks and put in AP for his matchup with South.  And then things went South fast.  Finken left 3 non-QBs on his bench that scored over 32 points.  We haven't seen under-utilized resources like that since Abel's 2015 FAAB dollars.  Finken definitely gets the Cesaer Award for worst decision making of the week.

Who wants 1.1 now?

 

6.     Play It Backwards – After two straight consolation bracket finishes, our inaugural champ decided to reshape his team and look towards the future.  He traded away a lot of spare parts and got some good players back.  He also acquired 4 first rounders in a draft that everyone is billing the best thing to come out of college since safe spaces and feminism.  Fortunately, those 4 picks have a legit chance to be the first 4 picks in the draft.  Unfortunately, those guys aren’t going to help Mitch this year.  AJ Green was a lone bright spot in a terrible week.  Both his QBs injured themselves and the world hasn’t seen that many pre-teen scores since Warren Jeffs got locked up.

Let's check out the action instead of looking at this roster.

 

7.     Smells Low – Our resident 9th grader managed to make the playoffs again last year despite having Peyton Manning in his starting line-up for a good chunk of the season.  However, he could be in real trouble this year without him or BeastMode.  His best QB is out for the first 4 games of the season and while he may have decent RB depth, his other QBs and WR corps are uglier than Abel's last 3 draft classes.  It also doesn’t help when you only start 1 of those decent RBs and every other one on the bench outscores that starter.  One would think that starting Decker or Landry over CJ Anderson was a mistake Riley could’ve sniffed out.  Maybe the internet hasn’t made its way to Montana yet. 

Maybe there's a reason we haven't seen Riley in a while.  He is on the west coast...

 

8.     I’m Out – We here at the power rankings feel like a skipping record year-after-year.  Abel, where to begin.  First you trade Lazer the RB he needed for the grand opportunity of drafting a TE in the 1st round.  And then you rid yourself of your first 3 picks in the next draft, being hailed as the greatest thing since sliced bread internet porn.  And to top it off, you make an idiotic bet with Seth that a QB the Eagles traded their future to get, wouldn’t play for the next 3 years.  With Cam and Palmer and the rest of your starters, your team is probably better than we’re giving it credit for.  However, there has been a trend that has developed over the past 3 years and you’re team name says it all when it comes to playoff contention.

Abel's upcoming season in a nutshell.