Season 4 - Week 1

The NFL has arrived but we here at the Card Night Kangs know that it’s the fake football teams that really matters.  We are now in Year 4 of our dynasty league and it seems like everyone has kind of figured it out by now (except Abel).  Chris at least thinks he has it figured out but let's remember, Kyle's ineptitude is his main reason for success.  An early draft made for some questionable decision-making but now it’s time to play some games and make people do stupid shit if their players get suspended.

 

How did we let Lazer win this league again?!?!?

Speaking of suspended, let’s check in on suspended players on people’s rosters and see if we can figure out a proper punishment for their owners…

-          Josh Gordon – 4 games for violation of the league’s drug policy.  Kyle should not be able to bid over his partner for the same 4 weeks (unless it's Chris, then he's required to).

-          Le’Veon Bell – 3 games for missing multiple mandated drug tests.  Suspension was reduced from 4 games to 3.  South should be forced to actually show up for 3 card nights in a row without any form of sugar in hand. 

-          Karlos Williams – 4 games for violation of the league’s substance abuse policy.  We could say that shotgunning 6 beers in 6 minutes would be an apt punishment, but for Abel, that sounds like a standard Tuesday evening.

-          Martavis Bryant – 1 year for multiple violations of the league’s substance abuse policy.  Mitch, you need to bake up a batch of Walt and Jesse’s finest, and bring it to cards for everyone to share.

-          Tom Brady – 4 games for deflating game balls in last year’s playoffs.  Riley, you’re required to collect nudes from a minimum of five willing females and show them off at cards so that we can all revel in just how deflated our own balls are.

-          Honorable mention – Josh Brown – suspended 1 game for violation of the personal conduct policy (i.e. domestic abuse).  Abel saved his ass here by switching him out with Blair Walsh before the season started otherwise Rachel would be bringing the thunder.

 

Time to pay up boys.  And now, on with the rankings…

1.     If We’re Using Logic – La Lazer is our reigning 2 time champ and until he is knocked off this pedestal, he deserves this spot to open the season.  Lucky for us that he is such a humble and graceful champ, otherwise, it would be unbearable.  Riley didn’t put up much of a fight and Chris took care of business even without Gronk in Week 1.  No one really blew up except future HOFer Doug Baldwin and soon-to-be backup RB DeAngelo Williams, but overall, it was solid enough to get the job done.  His starting lineup is probably better than anyone’s but if injuries start to hit, depth could become an issue.  Seth could probably give advice on how to handle the injury bug from last year and from what Cara says, depth is usually his issue too. 

Chris thinking about another year of sister jokes.

 

2.     Fuck It Three - After only winning 1 game in the first year of this league, Garrett has been on a roll finishing 2nd each of the last 2 years as well as top 2 in scoring both years.  We hope he’s content with only fantasy success since, as we married guys all know, his scoring is about to come to a screeching halt after the honeymoon.  South got a bit lucky that Finken couldn’t optimize his lineup but he scored the most points and will get Bell back soon.  He was also a bit quick on the trigger to try and add TE Jesse James to his roster from the waiver wire.  When reached for comment, Annie acknowledged that this issue spills over into other parts of their lives but refused to go into further details. 

4 and South is spent.

 

3.     Off Suit 10s – As usual, Kyle was the most active member in the league again this past year and that is not meant as a compliment.  He managed to take a few really good players and trade them away for a bunch of decent players that he’ll have to cut.  And now the yearly tradition begins of other owners picking up Kyle’s roster rejects to round their own team into championship shape.  But who are we to talk, Kyle’s 1-0 right now.  He did take the questionable strategy of starting 2 mid-tier TEs instead of a number of players who would’ve scored more.   He’ll have to be more selective going against Chris next week.  Unless he’d like Chris to tell him which guy to play.

Negotiating with Kyle.

 

4.     Ah It’s Early – Much like Finken’s feeble attempt at running a 5K, Seth’s team was destroyed by “injuries” last year.  Losing Romo, Dez, Jordy and Allen for the season ruled out any thought of contending.  He also didn’t help himself by drafting Melvin Gordon instead of Todd Gurley although, as his name indicates, it’s early.  Unfortunately Romo and Allen have already fell to the same fate and Jordy and Dez have been restricted from handling sharp objects.  But Seth remains in the top half since he pulled off the victory over Mitch despite not starting Gordon after he discovered what the endzone looks like.  Seth could easily get to 2-0 with Riley's pathetic squad on the schedule next.  But let's not start confusing Seth with Belichick.

Even I couldn't win with this crap roster.

 

5.     Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken finally got into the playoffs last year and cashed that glorious 3rd place check.  Between that, Seth’s late season run giving Finken Zeke Elliott and Lamar Miller landing in Houston, everything’s coming up roses for R4D.  However, that all came to an end when he made a last second decision to swap out Cooks and put in AP for his matchup with South.  And then things went South fast.  Finken left 3 non-QBs on his bench that scored over 32 points.  We haven't seen under-utilized resources like that since Abel's 2015 FAAB dollars.  Finken definitely gets the Cesaer Award for worst decision making of the week.

Who wants 1.1 now?

 

6.     Play It Backwards – After two straight consolation bracket finishes, our inaugural champ decided to reshape his team and look towards the future.  He traded away a lot of spare parts and got some good players back.  He also acquired 4 first rounders in a draft that everyone is billing the best thing to come out of college since safe spaces and feminism.  Fortunately, those 4 picks have a legit chance to be the first 4 picks in the draft.  Unfortunately, those guys aren’t going to help Mitch this year.  AJ Green was a lone bright spot in a terrible week.  Both his QBs injured themselves and the world hasn’t seen that many pre-teen scores since Warren Jeffs got locked up.

Let's check out the action instead of looking at this roster.

 

7.     Smells Low – Our resident 9th grader managed to make the playoffs again last year despite having Peyton Manning in his starting line-up for a good chunk of the season.  However, he could be in real trouble this year without him or BeastMode.  His best QB is out for the first 4 games of the season and while he may have decent RB depth, his other QBs and WR corps are uglier than Abel's last 3 draft classes.  It also doesn’t help when you only start 1 of those decent RBs and every other one on the bench outscores that starter.  One would think that starting Decker or Landry over CJ Anderson was a mistake Riley could’ve sniffed out.  Maybe the internet hasn’t made its way to Montana yet. 

Maybe there's a reason we haven't seen Riley in a while.  He is on the west coast...

 

8.     I’m Out – We here at the power rankings feel like a skipping record year-after-year.  Abel, where to begin.  First you trade Lazer the RB he needed for the grand opportunity of drafting a TE in the 1st round.  And then you rid yourself of your first 3 picks in the next draft, being hailed as the greatest thing since sliced bread internet porn.  And to top it off, you make an idiotic bet with Seth that a QB the Eagles traded their future to get, wouldn’t play for the next 3 years.  With Cam and Palmer and the rest of your starters, your team is probably better than we’re giving it credit for.  However, there has been a trend that has developed over the past 3 years and you’re team name says it all when it comes to playoff contention.

Abel's upcoming season in a nutshell.