Season 5 - Week 7

Week 7 is in the books and that means we have reached the halfway point of our pretend football season.  There is a tremendous amount of parity in the league this year with seven teams only two games out of first and four teams are within five points of each other.  Every game from here on out is a rematch so hopefully each manager learned a lot about their opponents and kept detailed scouting notes for the race to the finish.  Although record and point will determine the postseason, with no one really deserving the shot at the title, we may need to resort to a Harvey Weinstein-esque casting couch audition for the playoffs.  Set into our hotel room and show us how badly you want into the playoffs. 

The playoff picture is as clear as the Pats pumped in fog.

And now, on with the power rankings…

1.       Play It Backwards – Well, Mitch has been playing with fire for the past few weeks and it finally caught up with him.  In Week 5, he snuck by Kyle only because Diggs and Tate got hurt and in Week 6, he squeaked by Finken after Rodgers left the game early.  The amazing part is that it was Riley’s lowly squad that finally took him down.  Mitch has a healthy roster and the record and points lead right now.  He may look like Dowling right now but it can’t be forgotten that he’s only one season removed from looking like the Waukee junior high team.    

Mitch coordinated this kid to 1,600 yards this season.

2.       Fuck it Three – Garrett comes to the midway point as the hottest team in the league winning his last 5 matchups.  This is impressive as he’s only scored the 5^th most points in the league.  A deeper dive illustrates the fact that he’s faced by far the fewest points scored against him.  Between this and most of his rookies turning into top-level dynasty assets, who would’ve guessed South would be so lucky?  Did we mention that he’s won 3 of the first 7 “random” payouts?  Something smells fishy and it’s not his mom’s hygiene bag. 

3.       If We’re Using Logic – Lansink curbed his 3-game slide by getting his Abel bye-week at the right time.  Julio finally broke out for the first time this year and Doug Baldwin did what HOFers do.  He’ll get a few more bottom-feeders in the next few weeks before getting into the meat of his schedule which will determine if he has a fourth straight playoff run or not left in him.  At his age, Chris only has so many seasons left so he had better make each opportunity count.

Take a seat and relax Chris, your knees probably need the break.

4.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Elliott received a stay of suspension again and powered Finken’s team to high points for the week.  R4D is in quite a conundrum.  He’s scored the 2^nd highest points and is currently in the playoff hunt.  However, he also currently has 8 guys listed on the IR or as Out, his best QB is lost for the season and has to play QB roulette with should-be back-ups, and his best flex option will probably be suspended for the rest of the season.  His heart wants to make some moves and keep plugging along but his brain is saying blow it up and play for next year.  It’s a good thing the option of punting always appeals to his nature.

Even punters have a right to be happy.

5.       Ah It’s Early – Along Lansink’s sister, Seth gets to take the Caesar Bad Manager of the Week Award to bed this week for making Cooper ride the pine.  If he would’ve started Amari over any of his other options, he not only would’ve beaten R4D, he also would have taken home the weekly payout for highest scoring WR.  As we always say, when you can leave a top 10 dynasty asset on your bench, you do it.  It doesn’t get any easier for Seth this week with Mitch coming to town.  His Week 8 roster choices had better be superior to Cara’s life decisions or he may be the victim of a worse beating than Adrian Peterson’s children.  Mitch, go get yourself a switch.

You could say Seth slipped up this past week. 

6.       Off Suit 10s – After a rough first few weeks to the year, Kyle had been rolling until his team decided to put out a shit sandwich against South this past week.  Gurley and Ertz continued their hot streak but otherwise, he had 7 guys score under 11 points.  AP turned back into a washed-up child beater and picking up Chris Ivory was not an equal Fournette replacement.  Getting Watson, Tate and Diggs back should make his Flex decisions easier but having cancerous players like Lynch and Bryant in the locker room could destroy his team from the inside.  Only a master RV/steak knife/volcano insurance salesman like himself could galvanize this team to make a playoff push. 

Maybe Kyle's persuasive ways come from a higher power.

7.       Smells Low – Riley sniffed out the right moves and put a lickin’ on his former mentor.  His starting roster was almost completely optimized and he put up his highest output of the year.  This makes sense as its cold-and-flu season now maybe it was his schnoz’s additional output that propelled him to victory over PIB.  Riley’s boom-or-bust team faces off against IWUL this week.  Just like Riley’s love life, with Fournette again out we’re expecting a bust. 

Sharing a wardrobe with Scam never helps.

I’m Out – Abel failed to hit 100 for the 2^nd time this year and didn’t start the franchise QB he just traded his 1^st round pick for.  At least Kenny Britt was still in his lineup to get him those precious 2.7 points now that he’s active…

Season 5 - Week 5

Week 5 is in the books and it’s become abundantly clear that the 2017 version of the league is made up of contenders and pretenders.  The problem is that currently, Mitch is the only contender and everyone else are pretenders.  To be fair, several teams have lost their best player this year; Seth lost DJ, Chris lost ODBag, Aaron lost Elliott, Jared lost Nick Folk.  The list goes on. 

With a clear leader, we at the Power Rankings have decided to establish this week’s ranking based on each team’s odds of taking down our inaugural champ.  And on with the rankings…

1.       Play It Backwards – Mitch sits firmly atop the rankings this week with another solid performance.  After starting off the year with a loss and only scoring 118, Mitch has rattled off four straight weeks scoring over 150.  His WRs are elite across the board and with the emergence of Slingin’ Alex Smith, he shouldn’t have any bye week issues at QB.  PIB’s RBs are a shit show however with each having a floor of 0 and a ceiling of “pray they find the end zone”.  With a busy wife and three young kids at home, a group of high school boys to coordinate and his father-in-law’s arson to rebuild, we predict Mitch is the most likely CNKer to keep Mitch from grasping the title.  Odds 1:1.

Na na na boo boo, stick your head in do do

2.       Fuck It Three – Garrett’s merry band of rookies have been rolling recently posting 3 wins in a row, albeit 2 of those wins were against Riley and Abel.  Hunt appears to be the real deal and getting Doug Martin back should help to bolster his Flex options.  If Kelce stops seeing butterflies and Luck can come back soon to fill the Goff-sized hole at QB and, he can present a formidable roadblock to Mitch.  But we all know how this is going to end….same as it did against Chris….twice: in 2^nd place.  Odds 2:1

Man, why did South have to trade me?

3.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken’s roster probably has the best shot at taking down Mitch and we get a preview of this matchup in Week 6.  His starters are relatively healthy and there’s enough firepower to go toe-to-toe with PIB but like in the bedroom, depth could be an issue.  R4D’s been pretty unlucky this year posting only a 2-3 record while scoring the 2^nd most points but 3 losses in a row is 3 losses in a row.  You can’t hope to beat Mitch if you’re not in the playoffs.  If he can’t turn the ship around fast enough, Mike Riley might not be the only one looking for a new job at the end of this season.  Odds 3:1

Finken probably won't be doing this anytime soon.

4.       Ah It’s Early – Don’t let his record fool you, Seth’s team is a shell of its 2016 self.  Solid performances by Gordon and Nuke allowed him to put up high points in Week 5, but lack of depth through the bye weeks will likely anchor Seth’s ceiling.  With one of the best WR corps on paper, AIE will need his studs to step it up more consistently in DJ’s absence in order to stand a chance against the resident powerhouse.  But if AIE can hang onto a playoff spot and DJ shows back up towards the end of the season, things could get very interesting.  Odds 5:1

Seth can almost make out DJ coming back in the distant future.

5.       If We’re Using Logic – Lifted straight from our last rankings “IWUL can surely rely on Gronk and ODBag staying healthy to remain atop the Power Rankings”.  The jinx worked like a charm.  Without fantasy football’s top dynasty asset, IWUL falls to #5 this week after a loss to his sister’s impregnator.  Murray and Julio will need to break out of the respective funks if Lazer hopes to keep his playoff streak alive.  Beating Mitch will be an even taller order and it appears that Lansink has resorted to picking Eli back up and relying on him without any WRs after trading away Famous Jameis.  Good luck with that Chris.  Odds 8:1

And all Chris's dreams go down the drain.

6.       Off Suit 10s – This is probably a bit low for OS10s as he’s posted some good scores after a slow start and gave Mitch a run for his money this past week.  If $cam, Gurley, Ertz and Diggs keep posting video game numbers, Kyle will rocket up this rankings and could make Mitch regret trading him Watson.  But then Mitch will remind Kyle that he gave him a 1^st round pick for a 31 year old RB who’s been retired for 2 years and has yet to top 76 yards in a game.  If his main guys keep putting up elite stats, Kyle could sneak his way into the playoffs and Trump has proven that anything can happen.  If you believe that, Kyle’s got a set of steak knives to sell you.  Odds 12:1

Watson may be carrying the water for Lehman's team.

7.       Smells Low – Let’s not kid ourselves, Riley’s team is not good.  But he is just frisky enough to jump up and bite someone on any given week, like he did last week against R4D.  Mitch may regret trading Fournette to Riley as that would’ve solved all of his RB issues.  ­­­­Kizer might be a work in progress but so is Riley’s fashion sense.  With a late-season Ajayi breakout like last year, Riley could pull off a few wins through the rest of the season.  However, the point total hole he’s found himself in is deeper than the hole $cam found himself in after his press conference last week.  Riley might lose some of his ugly hat endorsements if his team continues to struggle.  Odds 36:1.

Peyton's not walking through Riley's door this year.

8.       I’m Out – Almost guaranteed one of the top 2 picks in the 2018 rookie draft, Abel decides to trade that very valuable draft capital for a crab-stealing QB and a rookie WR with more rushes and fumbles than catches.  We at the Power Rankings suspect that Abel may be covertly running the Cleveland Browns in addition to I’m Out as the success correlation between the two is uncanny.  As of right now, the 2018 draft meal is trending up while Abel’s odds of beating Mitch are trending down.  Odds: Powerball Jackpot:1