Season 11 - Playoff Preview

Our 11^th regular season has come to a close and our playoff field has been set.  Once again, South has been crowned our regular season champ.  He finished with a 22-6 record and also posted the highest point total although not as dominant as previous years.  We noted last week, Finken and Chris secured their spots in the playoffs so it came down to Mitch and Abel for the last spot.  Jared didn’t feel overly comfortable with the idea of making the playoffs in back-to-back years, so he decided to spot Mitch a player by starting an inactive Stevenson on Thursday night.  With Dobbs taking both himself and Addison out of the equation, Abel found himself in the more familiar and comfortable confines of being out. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make Abel set a full lineup.  And when it comes to horses, he all know Mitch is the horse whisperer.

 

That left Garrett with a choice, take on the strongest opponent over 2 weeks or find the weakest and guarantee a spot in the finals.  He chose the latter by naming Finken as his opponent.  This makes sense as Finken’s QB options are as weak as his attempts at growing facial hair and his RBs are as unpredictable as a Kyle 4-bid.  Reached for comment, South had this to share “Like scolding Riley on the whirlyball court, I thought it was necessary or teach Finken a lesson.  You can’t just snatch up the backup TE I held for over a year six weeks after I drop him and expect no repercussions.”  That leaves Mitch and Chris to a two week dual on the other side for the chance in the title match, which we will delve into later. 

 

South choosing Finken.

First, let’s take a look at the Trump™ “Can’t Hack It” Bracket.  As we’re sure everyone remembers, we changed the format of this so that there’s actually something at stake.  All four teams will play a 3-week round-robin.  The team with the worst record will be responsible for the food at the draft.  The team with the 2^nd-worst record will supply the drinks.  Record will supersede but points scored will break the tie.  This means we could have a new caterer after a few years of Kyle setting our table.  Let’s just hope it’s not Riley.  Then we’ll all be relegated to eating ass at an orgy in the back of an Osceola townie bar. 

 

Riley's idea of a great meal after his time in San Fran...

Before we move on, let’s also note that the top 4 draft order is now set and updated in the spreadsheet.  Results were tabulated by South’s Excel prowess and I guess we’re all just going to assume he got it right because none of us are going back to do that work.  Kyle was awarded the #1 pick by a pretty safe margin.  Word is he’s already submitted his card for Marvin Harrison Jr but another TE cannot be ruled out to fill the 3^rd Flex spot once we allow it to go with LaPorta, McBride and Mayer.  Abel finished with the #2 pick but had already traded that to Lansink in their dubious draft day deal that moved him up two spots and added the perpetually underrated but always disappointing Kirk Cousins to his roster.  Don’t think Kevin Costner was steering the ship on that one Jared.  

Riley grabbed #3 by the cock ring for Mitch, which was gift wrapped by Kyle in the Hock deal.  Side note, Kyle, there’s your 4^th TE for the Flex spot right there and you would’ve still had the 3^rd pick.  Seth will pick 4^th and had the 3^rd highest point potential in the league.  This shows that Seth’s max points were there to make the playoffs and try to defend his title.  But it also shows that outside of sexual partners, his decision making is about as good as Brandon Staley on TNF. 

 

Seth setting his line-up each week.

But enough of all that, we have months to dig into draft talk.  Now let’s get to the playoff matchups…

 

Fuck It Three vs. Rollin’ 4 Deep

South comes into the playoffs on a hot streak after winning 4 in a row despite starting Jake Browning, and he is 6-0 in head-to-head matchups against the other playoff qualifiers.  His 49ers are up against the hapless Cardinals in a game where they should be able to name their own score and Kyren could do the same against the Commanders.  While Finken’s match-ups aren’t bad this week, they’re less ideal next week.  His only hope may be that Tyreeeeek and JJ are actually hurt and can’t make a go of it.  Finken’s QB combo of Howell and Love has been a pleasant surprise on the season but it’ll take a lot of overcome the 1-2-3-4 punch of CMC, Kyren, JJ and Tyreeeeeek.  South is currently a 25-point favorite and swept the season series.  We do not see much changing now.  FIT rolls 327.69-286.97

 

If We’re Using Logic vs. Play It Backwards

After facing each other in Week 14, Chris and Mitch get to run in back for the next two weeks now.  Mitch glided by Abel for the last playoff berth even after losing his 3 previous games.  Had he not made the playoffs, his max point total was the 2^nd worst in the league and would’ve resulted in him having his choice of WRs after Kyle to pair up with his stable of senior citizen pass catchers.  Mitch swept the season series against Chris but is currently a slight underdog.  Mitch’s line-up is mostly lined with green match-ups except his QBs, who could both in line for rough days again great defenses.  Chris is feeling pretty good about the matchup as he plans to cheat his way to a victory either way.  The commissioner’s unbreakable password of BOOBIES does not present an obstacle to either his hacking skills or his moral compass.  IWUL goes to his 14^th CNK finals 293.07-276.54

Chris justifying his actions.

And as always, just wanted to say thanks to everyone for this group.  This will likely be the last rankings before Chris forgets about the summer post-draft predictions so wanted to wish everyone a happy holidays.  It's fun to do these but we're all truly lucky to have a group where we can do something like this in good humor.  Take care and everyone have a Merry Christmas.  

Season 11 - Week 13

Week 13 is in the books and we only have one precious week of our regular season left before the fake football playoffs begin.  It’s been an entertaining season as there’s been lots of movement up and down.  And while once again, South’s clinched the #1 seed, he has been fallible and somehow found a way to take 6 losses against the bottom-feeders of the league giving hope to all others. 

Heading into our final week, there’s really only one spot left in the playoff picture.  As mentioned, South has locked up his pick of opponents in the 1^st round as Finken could match his record but probably won’t outscore him by 245 points.  R4D and IWUL have secured their 6^th and 23^rd trips to the playoffs, respectively, with very strong performances in the 2^nd half of the season.  Pretty impressive them being 2 of our most senior members of the league.    

 

That brings us to the drama, Abel vs. Mitch.  Winner gets the #4 hole, loser gets it in the b-hole.  Both are tied for the same record and face the highest scoring teams in Week 14.  Abel has an 18.5 point lead but has to face South.  Mitch has to overcome that deficit and faces The Traitor (as his daughter affectionately calls Lazer).  Neither come into this final week on a particular hot streak and will likely try to salvage a median-scoring win in order to sneak past the other. 

But we’ll dig deeper into that below as we get on with the Power Rankings…

1. Fuck It Three – Garrett obtained the #1 for the 12^th year in a row accordingly to the Lansink League Archive™.  Word has it he already has 5 spreadsheets going on possible outcomes and formulas to discover who he should choose to face.  Logic would suggest he choose the weakest opponent guaranteeing himself a place in the title game.  However, game theory would posit that he choose the strongest opponent to beat over a 2 week span and therefore, have a cakewalk in the title game.  He may need to reduce his high fructose corn syrup ratio in his blood stream in order to clear his mind and make the wisest decision.  Otherwise he could be saddled with his 6^th runner-up finish in 11 years. 

 

South once again calculating incorrectly in the playoffs.

2. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken claimed his playoff spot with a win over Riley last week and rebounded after narrowly missing the playoffs last year.  He’s had a lot of things fall right for him this year despite losing Rodgers in Week 1.  Howell and Love (both waiver adds last year) have each been top 10 QBs to go along with Herbert, which according our research, no one had forecasted. Pollard, Gibbs and Barkley have balanced each other’s roller coaster weeks out and his veteran WRs have been set and forget.  And outside of LaPorta, Kincaid has proven to be the new Pitts, you know if Pitts were actually good at footballing.  When reached for comment on her husband’s recent hot streak, Rachel expressed “surprise at his sudden vigor.”  Stating “he rarely wows for long but I’m glad to see the stamina start to take shape.  Wait, what are we talking about again?” 

 

Finken's emotions from beginning to end of the year.

3. If We’re Using Logic – Chris took care of business these past two weeks but really it was getting those median-score wins in losses against South and Finken (how much did Chris lose to Finken by again?  Everyone should go look again, we’ll wait).  Lansink seems to be peaking at the right time as he hit his first 200+ game in 2 years to clinch his spot.  Even Chase having to catch passes from a different JB didn’t impact his production.  The Power Rankings reached out to Chris’s good friend Donald Trump for comment on his return to the playoffs.  He had this to say, “Possibly it’s one of the reasons, certainly it’s one of the very big reasons, trade and things related to trade, he got in in the first place.  I told him to stay away from CEH but no!  He didn’t listen much like those crooks in Georgia.  But I’m glad to see he’s overcome that mistake.  I’ve been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects, frankly.”

 

Chris has all Trump's advisors on stand-by for playoffs strategy. 

4. I’m Out – Getting the median score win in a loss against Chris was the key to staying alive.  He posted the 3^rd most points on the week but may have lost TLaw, King Henry, Stevenson and Kirk for at least a week or two.  That means that Abel’s biggest opponent this week may not be South or even Mitch’s point total.  It may be the waiver wire.  He’s getting several guys back off byes to fill some of those spots but without the mystical land of the waiver wire, he may be may be a mere muggle relegated to a closet under the stairs.  We will have to see what sort of magic awaits in Week 14. 

 

The Fantasy Gods to Abel just when he's about to make a playoff run.

5. Play It Backwards – Back in the early stages of the season, we thought Mitch might’ve taken South’s spot as prime contender for the year, but that isn’t the case anymore.  He has lost 3 straight and 4 of the last 5 all while not scoring 150+ since Week 6.  We’re not statistics majors but our spreadsheets show that’s not great.  And he got chopped from the Guillotine League this week too (the curse of Chase strikes again, although this time it was because he didn’t play him).  Kyler and Kamara have bolstered his depth a bit but Ekeler and Kupp both look washed and his flex spots have been erratic at best.  All that being said, he could still sneak into the playoffs and make a run at the title.  Or he could miss them and end up with the 2^nd pick.  Quite the conundrum.  When reached for comment on the matter, Aidan indicated that Mitch was unavailable as he was tending to his chores of smoking chickens and watering the horses. 

 

All of us to Mitch after the past 6 weeks.

6. Smells Low – Despite winning the title for most fun love life, Riley’s squad is not keeping up with his real-life scoring.  He barely broke 100 this week and had 3(!) players throw up a cock-ring on the scoreboard.  Despite his hopes early in the year, it’s been another forgettable season.  Luckily, he’s got plenty of threesomes and orgies on the calendar to ease the pain of this forgettable year.  With an orgy of talent at RB, a strong threesome of WRs and the master of the tush-push at QB, Riley only needs to fill in the right tight end in order to be dangerous in 2024.   

 

Be careful what you wish for in a threesome.

7. Off Suit 10s – Kyle may be bringing the draft meal again but he’s come on strong at the end of the year.  After beating South in Week 10, he’s rolled off 2 straight wins against Abel and Mitch and scored median-score wins as well.  He now has a chance in the last week to tie Seth in sharing the worst record.  As we mentioned in our last installment, he’s got some good young pieces to build around for next year and likely the #1 pick again to auction off to anyone but Chris.  Quite an accomplishment for where he was several weeks ago.  The league hasn’t seen a riser like this since all 3 of Chris’s sisters showed up at the Halloween party. 

 

Kyle's ready for the offseason.

8. Ah It’s Early – Even though Seth may not be the worst team, when you go from winning the title to eliminated from playoff contention this early, you deserve this fate. Your team is bad and you should feel bad. 

Season 11 - Week 10

Week 10 is in the books and the fake football season is entering the home stretch.  We only have 4 weeks of the regular season left and since we’ve had as many Power Rankings as Abel free agent acquisitions, we figured it’s time to check in.

 

Guillotine League

There are 6 owners remaining and South was the only CNK member to get chopped since our last check in.  Rosters are starting to get more stacked than South’s mom and there are no more idle owners to take the fall each week.  There are still 4 CNKers remaining and Mitch sits atop the heap from a weekly scoring aspect, but as South proved, a team of elite players can shit the bed on any given week.  Riley, Seth and Finken also still have their heads attached but Seth’s neck is looking a bit choppy with several byes on his roster this week.  Mitch and Finken were the only ones to use waivers this week so everyone else must’ve been studying Abel’s MasterClass seminar on FAAB.

 

Abel explaining the Guillotine League waiver system.

Best Ball League

If anyone is still checking the best ball league, it’s apparently still going on.  Seth has by far the most points but sits in 3^rd place due to record.  The perennial master of how-do-I-even-login-to-check-my roster leagues is down to a single QB, so it could be a challenge to compete going forward.  Everyone else is real close together in terms of weekly scoring including South.  However, he sits at a lowly 1-9 and is probably redirecting all of his Southy luck towards righting the ship in the only league that actually matters.

 

And with that, let’s get back to our dynasty league.  Always remember, the NFL season is fleeting and soon it will be at an end.  Outside of Kyle, we have a very competitive race to the finish with everyone having a shot to claim a playoff spot.  The dynamic of adding a win/loss against the median score has evened some things out all-the-while removing all the fun and randomness of a fake football game.  We’ll try and look at how that’s effected everyone’s record thru this PR. 

Week 10 was crazy and resulted in a very entertaining MNF match that affected all 4 of our games.  Somehow the Broncos held on to beat the Bills in Buffalo and the 4^th quarter swung 3 of the 4 matchups.  And two of these matchups were decided by a margin so thin, Trump’s hair made a Truth Social post about how it’s the thinnest thing that has eve been thin.  Chris lost because the Broncos ran the time all the way down before a hurried kick and Riley lost because of Russell Wilson’s more-than-necessary kneel downs.  South lost because neither team could throw the ball worth a damn to their star WRs.  Just an incredible finish.

 

Well at least some of us are...

But enough with that and on with the Power Rankings…

1. Fuck It Three – After rolling thru the first half of the season, South has lost two straight.  And it’s not just that we lost two, it’s that he lost them to Riley and then Kyle.  **Spoiler alert, they will be much lower in this list.  And he’s lost against the median score as well both times.  Unheard of for Garrett.  Lamar hasn’t been his usual cheat code, accounting for only 2 of the Ravens 12 TDs in the past 3 weeks, and several of his key guys have either been on bye or injured.  But he’s starting to get them all back this week and it’s a good thing too as he’s got Lansink and Finken up next.  He had better get his act together if he plans to keep his perch high above the rest of the league come playoff time.

2. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Sources close to the situation say that after a 3 game losing streak, Finken was just about to hit the reset/sell button on the season and battle for draft food rights.  However, he’s been on a tear recently, winning 5 in a row posting median wins in each of those as well.  That’s vaulted him into a tie with South in the standings.  His two rookies, Gibbs and Kinkaid, have led this charge along with Howell filling the 2^nd QB spot.  He posted (and needed) high points this week and was lucky to do so with a 0.0 from Dotson and single digits from three others.  It will not be easy to hold that spot though as Mitch, then South come to town and we’ll find out if he’s a true contender or just two kids standing on each other’s shoulders in a trench coat.

Finken pretending to be a contender.

3. Play It Backwards – Mitch looked poised to take control of the league last we checked in but a 2-game skid ended only by sneaking by Abel this week put the brakes on that thought.  He flirted with his first ever sub-100 game but was saved by yet another Zach Wilson INT that was returned on the 2 yard line giving Ekeler a walk-in TD.  No one has been hurt more than Mitch by the median scoring as he now has 3 losses against the median when he won the actual matchup.  Leaving Hock on the bench didn’t help his cause last week and getting Kupp and Adams would help him tremendously.  If he can get past Finken this weekend, he will take control of his playoff destiny.  Otherwise, his squad could be could become irrelevant for the next several years.

Not yet Mitch, but soon...according to some...

4. If We’re Using Logic – Chris had chalked it up to a win already.  Comfortably going thru the evening getting his husbandly chores done and putting his kids to bed.  He even sidled up to Mel with that look in his eye to celebrate another fantasy victory.  All he needed was for Josh Allen to have a decent night and not throw Kinkaid too many passes.  Well Josh Allen turned into Nathan Peterman and only managed to throw a TD to Kinkaid.  The rest was history.  Now he has to try and regroup and face South in order to stay in playoff contention.  With a healthy JT, a broken Akers and a Gus Bus getting all the tuddies, there’s nothing standing between Chris and his 22^nd playoff berth…and Chris, no that probably wasn’t your dumbest loss ever, even to Finken…#StatCorrectionChamp

5. I’m Out – Abel had his chance get closer to the last playoff spot.  Mitch posted a down week and all he needed to do was play the other QB in the MN-NO game.  Dobbs lit it up for his Vikings while Carr crashed into a freeway median.  Abel now has Riley and Kyle on deck and he better make those count if he wants to stay in it.  Posting 4 W’s in those matchups are a necessity and we all know who he should turn to for help if his Carr is still smashed up…

Abel's playoff hopes could come crashing down.

6. Smells Low – Much like Chris, Riley felt quite good as MNF played out.  Not threesome-in-a-sex-shop-with-a-cock-ring good (shame on you all for missing an epic Riley story on Wednesday night), but pretty good.  Wilson was lighting it up (for him, which means slightly above average) and Javonte was playing back up to form.  As Denver drove down for the winning FG, he got just enough from Wilson to put him over the top.  But then there was the clock problem.  And the coaching staff had Wilson kneel a few times to burn timeouts and Riley lost just enough to give Seth the win.  It’s the story of his season as he’s been one of the most volatile teams.  He swept the season series against South along with having 3 median scores wins with a loss and 2 median score losses with a win.  But he’s going to have to score some points and get some wins or he’ll be more tied up than he was in a sex harness at a sex shop in San Fran.

7. Ah It’s Early – Should Seth be higher than Riley after just beating him and winning 2 straight?  Yeah maybe but you’ll have to take that up with the Power Rankings committee.  Seth’s QBs were the key to his title last year and they are starting to come alive again.  We’re just not sure if it’s too little, too late…much like his neckbeard.  He could really affect the playoff picture if he can get by Kyle this weekend.  He gets to finish with Lazer, South and then Finken to try and sneak into that 4-hole.  And if there's something Seth's good at, it's finishing strong while coming in the back door.

Seth getting back into contention after this weekend.

8. Off Suit 10s – As Kyle stated, at this point of a lost season, the way his team finishes could be a confidence-builder for his young team.  They’re playing hard and starting to see the results.  And this was quite apparent in the upset of the year, with OS10s taking down FIT.  It wasn’t pretty but Stroud, Bijon, LaPorta, JSN and London all look to be keepers.  Kyle can’t make the playoffs realistically but he’s playing all three of the teams vying trying to get into the top 4 so he could really mess someone’s plans up quick.  He’s in “who cares” territory with nothing to lose, those teams has better beware. 

Kyle scaring those in playoff contention.

Season 11 - Week 6

Week 6 is in the books and we’re nearing the mid-way point of our fake football season.  There won’t be a power rankings for a few weeks so let’s do a quick check-in with where we’re at in all of our leagues.

In the Best Ball League, Riley sits atop the standings tied for the best record at 5-1 and just barely ahead of Seth in points scored.  Abel sits just a nose behind Riley at 5-1 as the tough decisions like whether or not to start Travis Kelce are removed from this league.  Beth rounds out the top contenders at #2 but he’s still the #1 son in Den’s heart.  South surprisingly sits at the bottom of the standings at 0-6 but he has outscored Lehman, who sits at the bottom of points scored.  Unfortunately for South, Kyle’s one win comes against that Big Chungus squad.  Only time will tell who will emerge as the master of no-effort football.

 

Best Ball is the opposite of this.

In the Guillotine League, there are 10 teams remaining and 5 of us.  Kyle was the first to get chopped after Burrow and Chase laid an egg, Swift hadn’t been given the reigns in Philly yet and Kadarius Toney was stinking up his roster.  Next it was Abel in Week 3.  Amazingly, he beat Kyle’s Week 1 score despite having 3 guys not starting in his lineup.  Not signing into the league and adjusting a roster surprised no one and means he’ll be Abel to find the time to squeeze Kelce into his starting lineup (hopefully). 

Then we had a few randoms get eliminated after not bothering to set their lineups before we come to Week 6 when lighting stuck Lansink’s Thunderstuck squad.  His whole roster underperformed but his poo-poo platter of RBs really did him in.  Sometimes hedging your bets by playing your opponent’s best players in the Guillotine League leads to heartbreak in both leagues.  Especially when your man-crush Je’Marr Chase doesn’t repeat his 50+ point effort.  We’ll see who the bell tolls for next.

 

The Reaper comes for us all eventually.

 But let’s get back to the real story, the Card Night Kangs, the league that (hopefully) everyone cares about the most.  It’s was a crazy week as the median score was way down, with all but one team scoring between 133 and 155.  Partly because byes have started, partly because injuries have really started to stack up, and partly because Travis Kelce is usually stuck on someone’s bench.  Enough with that, on with the Power Rankings…

1. Fuck It Three – Week 6 was the first week in many moons that South was not the highest projected scorer.  He regains that title this week (at least as of now) in his showdown with Abel but the injuries are starting to pile up.  Without JJ, Montgomery and potentially CMC, he finally gets a taste of what it’s like for the rest of us having to make decisions about which part-time guy to throw in the last few Flex spots. On the bright side, he has the unexpected staring RB for the Colts to vulture all of those rushing TDs from JT. 

 

Either side, South will probably still win.

2. Play It Backwards – Mitch has reeled off 5 wins in a row and now that he’s got Kamara and Ekeler healthy and available, he may be the new favorite for this year.  That is, if Fields can keep himself healthy.  If Mitch is relying on Handsome Jimmy G or the Levis/Willis stack to fill the #2 QB hole the rest of the year, he may need to focus on getting his Indianola RBs 50+ carries per game to make up for it.  Even if Kyler starts his comeback, I think we all know that’ll eventually fall…short.

 

Kyler even after the leg extension surgery.

3. I’m Out – After starting the season 0-3, Abel has started rowing that boat to prosperity and 3 straight wins.  Keenan Allen and Thielen have been WR 3 and 4 on the year and his QBs have kept him in it.  Now if he would only keep playing that stud TE he traded for last year, he’d really be in cruise control.  I don’t remember who that TE is though.  Just a low key guy who you never hear about or never see any commercials with.  Someday he might become a household name.

 

Who is this mystery man?

4. If We’re Using Logic – Chris has been the anti-Abel.  He started 3-0 and then has preceded to go 0-3.  And that is with Burrow/Chase starting to turn it on and getting Jonathan Taylor back in the line-up.  Purdy could only do so much when he wasn’t playing a cream-puff defense with all his weapons.  It doesn’t get any easier this week against Mitch without most of his big guns.  With the sweet taste of Pitts scoring double digits two weeks in a row, Chris is hoping to hold onto that last playoff spot, for he knows South will be waiting there, ripe for the taking as usual. 

 

Chris sneaks in and spoils Souths fun.

5. Rollin 4 Deep – Finken got off a 3 game slide with a win over Riley thanks to all his guys on MNF.  The past few weeks, he’s had to navigate more Qs on his roster than you’d see at a Trump rally so he’ll need to get some guys healthy in order to weather the bye week storm.  As an avid dynasty player, President Trump once said, “I never had roster problems.  Possibly it’s one of the reasons – certainly one of the very big reasons – I got elected in the first place.  These reasons – trade and things related to trade – made me a success in the first place.  I’ve been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects frankly.  You think Biden could handle a dynasty roster.  I wouldn’t trust him with Don Jr’s team.”

 

6. Smells Low – Riley sniffed sweet success early by being the only one to take down South like a hoppy home-brew, the sour taste of defeat soon followed.  Achane was a revelation until he got hit more than 3 times in a game and broke like a giant remote controlled truck.  The silver lining is that he has a chance to get back into contention with a lay-up game against Lehman this week.  Only thing easier than a win in this situation is his sister.

 

Riley managing his team this year just like car time at the draft.

7. Ah It’s Early – Seth’s team has really come back to Earth now that his QBs aren’t putting up video game numbers each week like last season.  Mahomes lost Bienemy and got Nagy, Dak lost Kellen Moore and got Mike McCarthy and Goff, well, is Goff.  He had better get the win this weekend because after that, it’s a visit from top 3 teams in Mitch and Abel.  AIE may have to consider whether or not it’s too early to sell Playoff Lenny to Kyle for a promising young WR. 

 

Shit, I'm not getting an auto-60 out of my QBs this year?

8. Off Suit 10s – Wow, we might have to define a new low.  Last place in the CNK, lowest points in Best Ball, first out in the Guillotine League.  On the bright side for everyone: Championship level sliders.

Season 11 - Week 4

Welcome gentlemen to our 11^th season of the Card Night Kangs dynasty league.  Now, I know we are all a bit lost going into this season, as we didn’t get our usual post-draft predictions from Lazer. Whether that was out of shame of not coming close in his predictions last year or because Seth took Chris’s usual spot of beating South in the playoffs, we’ll probably never know.  Either way, let us take a look at how Chris did:

  

	Predicted Finish	Actual Finish
1	Fuck It Three	Ah, It's Early
2	Rollin' 4 Deep	Fuck It Three
3	If We're Using Logic	Play It Backwards
4	Play It Backwards	I'm Out
5	Ah, It's Early	Rollin' 4 Deep
6	I'm Out	If We're Using Logic
7	Smells Low	Smells Low
8	Off Suit 10s	Off Suit 10s

 

Like Ray Charles at a dartboard or a monkey picking stocks, last year was not a banner year for predictions.  He did nail Riley and Kyle to finish in “Who Cares” territory but otherwise….we’ll just move on. 

First off, congratulations to Seth for taking home the championship and giving South his fifth (!!!!) 2^nd place finish.  Just an accomplishment for the ages Garrett.  Seth drubbed South in the finals match after dispatching Abel in Round 1 on his way to his 2^nd title.  His first title was back in 2017, our 4^th season and he’s only made the playoffs one other time since then.  That’s one playoff run for every chin follicle.

And condolences (we guess?) to Kyle for having the 1^st pick again and providing the draft meal.  If only Riley would’ve broken out his magic mushrooms earlier as a topping for Lehman’s sliders.  On the bright side, Kyle got some Bijon as a topping for his rebuild.  We’re all sure he’ll be awesome in Year 1 and then disappoint with production and injuries every year after.

 

But was Belichick always says, we’re on to next week, or next season in this case.  We’ve already made it thru 4 weeks of the season and everyone is still alive in the playoff race.  Well everyone except one.  But we’ll get to that in another edition of the Power Rankings…

 

1. Fuck It Three – Our perennial juggernaut has put up 200+ in three of the first four weeks.  With Chubb’s year ending in a knee explosion comparable to the Oppenheimer climax, he’ll have to continue to rely on CMC scoring for two each week…like a pregnant woman eating for two at the Golden Corral.  With Mixon and Cook predictively falling off a cliff, he’s had to reshape his team without much draft capital.  He’s now relying on guys like Kyren Williams, Zack Moss and Jerome Ford to fill his second RB slot.  Given his luck, that’s about as likely to work out as Billy Blanks in one of his 1990s Tai Bo videos.  But we must be forever grateful to him for hosting our draft now several times and always showing us a good time.  He just should not be trusting us with his toys.  Well, at least not Chris and Riley.

2. Play It Backwards – Mitch came into the year with a team built to win right now despite his QB issues. And he doubled down on that during the draft, punting on this year’s crop for TJ Hockenson and more bites at the apple next year.  So far, the gamble has paid off with Tua throwing bombs and screens to the fastest team on the planet and Hockenson leading all TEs in scoring.  He’s started the season strong, but if Kupp, Ekeler, and (potentially) Tua can’t stay healthy, he’s may have to put some chickens on the smoker in time for our next draft weekend.

Mitch when it's time to head to the draft - June 2024

3. I’m Out – Abel had a rough Week 1 but rebounded in Weeks 2-4.  He’s this year’s beneficiary of the median score wins as his 4-4 record would have been 1-3 prior to last year.  Jared’s biggest decision each week is whether to ceremonially play Kelce when he’s inactive or bench him when he would earn a win.  Can’t overthink the easy ones, Jared.  With Keenan and Kelce, Jared’s team has the potential to win any given week, and as Chris has demonstrated time and time again, anyone can sneak into the playoffs and beat South in the finals.

Abel has hope...for now.

4. If We’re Using Logic – After winning a game in Week 1 he had no business winning and another in week 2 when Kyle pulled a 2017 Abel starting an inactive player, Chris has rebounded with a couple of solid performances.  He’s still in the bottom half of the league in scoring, but he’s finally unleashing one of his secret weapons in something called Puka.  Burrow is going to force him to unleash the AR-15 sooner rather than later too.  The former looks like the new #1 WR in fantasy football, and Richardson put on his Derrick Henry cape and is out there trucking guys on his way to the end zone.  Never mind that he’s only made it through 25% of his starts without leaving the game with an injury.  Chris is going to have to drive to Cincy and give Burrow and Chase a stern talking-to if he doesn’t want to be on the outside looking in come playoff time.

Shane Steichen agrees.

5. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken started strong at 4-0, but has since gone 0-4 to drop to 5^th in the current standings.  He was lucky to sneak by Abel in week 2, who scored the 2^nd most points on the week, but has since scored 133 and 137.  That is less scoring than Rachel allows any given week, so he has to be extra disappointed in his performance.  Rodgers’ 4-snap season (5 if you count the Achilles), Barkley’s sprained ankle, and confirmation from Rachel have proven that Finken has depth problems.  Howell and Love haven’t been awful and on paper, his team should be competitive.  But to be fair, on paper, Gibbs seemed like an awesome draft pick.

6. Smells Low – Riley made the big move to acquire Jalen Hurts before the draft thinking that would solidify his QB spot and boost him to the top of the standings.  Unfortunately, he forgot to email Hurts and get him onboard with the plan.  Even his injured RBs have all come back in full force and Amon-Ra has continued his tear.  Riley’s biggest barrier to success is himself as he consistently leaves points on the bench.  Similar to his sister, he’s going to need to AUGMENT his approach if he wants to RACK UP some points.

7. Ah It’s Early – Our reigning champ took a page out of the 2022 Rams playbook and has started out worse than Iowa State's anti-gambling compliance.  His team is mostly the same as the prior year, minus the scoring points part as he put up his first sub-100 game since 2017.  Seth didn’t have much draft capital and fortunately for everyone else, he blew it on an aging RB that’s about to lose his job to an UFDA.  Big uff da!  With a low max PF and a suspect RB group, he may need to embrace the rebuild with the same vigor that he embraces Chris’s sister.

Seth holding the title over Chris, in more ways than one.

8. Off Suit 10s – Kyle kept Adam Schefter and Co busy with a furious amount of trading in the offseason.  This resulted in a ton of picks this year and a few new key pieces.  He got some immediate impact guys like Bijon, Deebo, Gabe Davis, LaPorta, and Stroud along with some other high ceiling guys to develop into next year.  The rebuild is off to a good start, way better than if Brian Ferentz would’ve been coordinating it.  At least Kyle won’t lose his team if he doesn’t score a specific amount per week….or will he?