Season 11 - Week 6

Week 6 is in the books and we’re nearing the mid-way point of our fake football season.  There won’t be a power rankings for a few weeks so let’s do a quick check-in with where we’re at in all of our leagues.

In the Best Ball League, Riley sits atop the standings tied for the best record at 5-1 and just barely ahead of Seth in points scored.  Abel sits just a nose behind Riley at 5-1 as the tough decisions like whether or not to start Travis Kelce are removed from this league.  Beth rounds out the top contenders at #2 but he’s still the #1 son in Den’s heart.  South surprisingly sits at the bottom of the standings at 0-6 but he has outscored Lehman, who sits at the bottom of points scored.  Unfortunately for South, Kyle’s one win comes against that Big Chungus squad.  Only time will tell who will emerge as the master of no-effort football.

 

Best Ball is the opposite of this.

In the Guillotine League, there are 10 teams remaining and 5 of us.  Kyle was the first to get chopped after Burrow and Chase laid an egg, Swift hadn’t been given the reigns in Philly yet and Kadarius Toney was stinking up his roster.  Next it was Abel in Week 3.  Amazingly, he beat Kyle’s Week 1 score despite having 3 guys not starting in his lineup.  Not signing into the league and adjusting a roster surprised no one and means he’ll be Abel to find the time to squeeze Kelce into his starting lineup (hopefully). 

Then we had a few randoms get eliminated after not bothering to set their lineups before we come to Week 6 when lighting stuck Lansink’s Thunderstuck squad.  His whole roster underperformed but his poo-poo platter of RBs really did him in.  Sometimes hedging your bets by playing your opponent’s best players in the Guillotine League leads to heartbreak in both leagues.  Especially when your man-crush Je’Marr Chase doesn’t repeat his 50+ point effort.  We’ll see who the bell tolls for next.

 

The Reaper comes for us all eventually.

 But let’s get back to the real story, the Card Night Kangs, the league that (hopefully) everyone cares about the most.  It’s was a crazy week as the median score was way down, with all but one team scoring between 133 and 155.  Partly because byes have started, partly because injuries have really started to stack up, and partly because Travis Kelce is usually stuck on someone’s bench.  Enough with that, on with the Power Rankings…

1. Fuck It Three – Week 6 was the first week in many moons that South was not the highest projected scorer.  He regains that title this week (at least as of now) in his showdown with Abel but the injuries are starting to pile up.  Without JJ, Montgomery and potentially CMC, he finally gets a taste of what it’s like for the rest of us having to make decisions about which part-time guy to throw in the last few Flex spots. On the bright side, he has the unexpected staring RB for the Colts to vulture all of those rushing TDs from JT. 

 

Either side, South will probably still win.

2. Play It Backwards – Mitch has reeled off 5 wins in a row and now that he’s got Kamara and Ekeler healthy and available, he may be the new favorite for this year.  That is, if Fields can keep himself healthy.  If Mitch is relying on Handsome Jimmy G or the Levis/Willis stack to fill the #2 QB hole the rest of the year, he may need to focus on getting his Indianola RBs 50+ carries per game to make up for it.  Even if Kyler starts his comeback, I think we all know that’ll eventually fall…short.

 

Kyler even after the leg extension surgery.

3. I’m Out – After starting the season 0-3, Abel has started rowing that boat to prosperity and 3 straight wins.  Keenan Allen and Thielen have been WR 3 and 4 on the year and his QBs have kept him in it.  Now if he would only keep playing that stud TE he traded for last year, he’d really be in cruise control.  I don’t remember who that TE is though.  Just a low key guy who you never hear about or never see any commercials with.  Someday he might become a household name.

 

Who is this mystery man?

4. If We’re Using Logic – Chris has been the anti-Abel.  He started 3-0 and then has preceded to go 0-3.  And that is with Burrow/Chase starting to turn it on and getting Jonathan Taylor back in the line-up.  Purdy could only do so much when he wasn’t playing a cream-puff defense with all his weapons.  It doesn’t get any easier this week against Mitch without most of his big guns.  With the sweet taste of Pitts scoring double digits two weeks in a row, Chris is hoping to hold onto that last playoff spot, for he knows South will be waiting there, ripe for the taking as usual. 

 

Chris sneaks in and spoils Souths fun.

5. Rollin 4 Deep – Finken got off a 3 game slide with a win over Riley thanks to all his guys on MNF.  The past few weeks, he’s had to navigate more Qs on his roster than you’d see at a Trump rally so he’ll need to get some guys healthy in order to weather the bye week storm.  As an avid dynasty player, President Trump once said, “I never had roster problems.  Possibly it’s one of the reasons – certainly one of the very big reasons – I got elected in the first place.  These reasons – trade and things related to trade – made me a success in the first place.  I’ve been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects frankly.  You think Biden could handle a dynasty roster.  I wouldn’t trust him with Don Jr’s team.”

 

6. Smells Low – Riley sniffed sweet success early by being the only one to take down South like a hoppy home-brew, the sour taste of defeat soon followed.  Achane was a revelation until he got hit more than 3 times in a game and broke like a giant remote controlled truck.  The silver lining is that he has a chance to get back into contention with a lay-up game against Lehman this week.  Only thing easier than a win in this situation is his sister.

 

Riley managing his team this year just like car time at the draft.

7. Ah It’s Early – Seth’s team has really come back to Earth now that his QBs aren’t putting up video game numbers each week like last season.  Mahomes lost Bienemy and got Nagy, Dak lost Kellen Moore and got Mike McCarthy and Goff, well, is Goff.  He had better get the win this weekend because after that, it’s a visit from top 3 teams in Mitch and Abel.  AIE may have to consider whether or not it’s too early to sell Playoff Lenny to Kyle for a promising young WR. 

 

Shit, I'm not getting an auto-60 out of my QBs this year?

8. Off Suit 10s – Wow, we might have to define a new low.  Last place in the CNK, lowest points in Best Ball, first out in the Guillotine League.  On the bright side for everyone: Championship level sliders.

Season 11 - Week 4

Welcome gentlemen to our 11^th season of the Card Night Kangs dynasty league.  Now, I know we are all a bit lost going into this season, as we didn’t get our usual post-draft predictions from Lazer. Whether that was out of shame of not coming close in his predictions last year or because Seth took Chris’s usual spot of beating South in the playoffs, we’ll probably never know.  Either way, let us take a look at how Chris did:

  

	Predicted Finish	Actual Finish
1	Fuck It Three	Ah, It's Early
2	Rollin' 4 Deep	Fuck It Three
3	If We're Using Logic	Play It Backwards
4	Play It Backwards	I'm Out
5	Ah, It's Early	Rollin' 4 Deep
6	I'm Out	If We're Using Logic
7	Smells Low	Smells Low
8	Off Suit 10s	Off Suit 10s

 

Like Ray Charles at a dartboard or a monkey picking stocks, last year was not a banner year for predictions.  He did nail Riley and Kyle to finish in “Who Cares” territory but otherwise….we’ll just move on. 

First off, congratulations to Seth for taking home the championship and giving South his fifth (!!!!) 2^nd place finish.  Just an accomplishment for the ages Garrett.  Seth drubbed South in the finals match after dispatching Abel in Round 1 on his way to his 2^nd title.  His first title was back in 2017, our 4^th season and he’s only made the playoffs one other time since then.  That’s one playoff run for every chin follicle.

And condolences (we guess?) to Kyle for having the 1^st pick again and providing the draft meal.  If only Riley would’ve broken out his magic mushrooms earlier as a topping for Lehman’s sliders.  On the bright side, Kyle got some Bijon as a topping for his rebuild.  We’re all sure he’ll be awesome in Year 1 and then disappoint with production and injuries every year after.

 

But was Belichick always says, we’re on to next week, or next season in this case.  We’ve already made it thru 4 weeks of the season and everyone is still alive in the playoff race.  Well everyone except one.  But we’ll get to that in another edition of the Power Rankings…

 

1. Fuck It Three – Our perennial juggernaut has put up 200+ in three of the first four weeks.  With Chubb’s year ending in a knee explosion comparable to the Oppenheimer climax, he’ll have to continue to rely on CMC scoring for two each week…like a pregnant woman eating for two at the Golden Corral.  With Mixon and Cook predictively falling off a cliff, he’s had to reshape his team without much draft capital.  He’s now relying on guys like Kyren Williams, Zack Moss and Jerome Ford to fill his second RB slot.  Given his luck, that’s about as likely to work out as Billy Blanks in one of his 1990s Tai Bo videos.  But we must be forever grateful to him for hosting our draft now several times and always showing us a good time.  He just should not be trusting us with his toys.  Well, at least not Chris and Riley.

2. Play It Backwards – Mitch came into the year with a team built to win right now despite his QB issues. And he doubled down on that during the draft, punting on this year’s crop for TJ Hockenson and more bites at the apple next year.  So far, the gamble has paid off with Tua throwing bombs and screens to the fastest team on the planet and Hockenson leading all TEs in scoring.  He’s started the season strong, but if Kupp, Ekeler, and (potentially) Tua can’t stay healthy, he’s may have to put some chickens on the smoker in time for our next draft weekend.

Mitch when it's time to head to the draft - June 2024

3. I’m Out – Abel had a rough Week 1 but rebounded in Weeks 2-4.  He’s this year’s beneficiary of the median score wins as his 4-4 record would have been 1-3 prior to last year.  Jared’s biggest decision each week is whether to ceremonially play Kelce when he’s inactive or bench him when he would earn a win.  Can’t overthink the easy ones, Jared.  With Keenan and Kelce, Jared’s team has the potential to win any given week, and as Chris has demonstrated time and time again, anyone can sneak into the playoffs and beat South in the finals.

Abel has hope...for now.

4. If We’re Using Logic – After winning a game in Week 1 he had no business winning and another in week 2 when Kyle pulled a 2017 Abel starting an inactive player, Chris has rebounded with a couple of solid performances.  He’s still in the bottom half of the league in scoring, but he’s finally unleashing one of his secret weapons in something called Puka.  Burrow is going to force him to unleash the AR-15 sooner rather than later too.  The former looks like the new #1 WR in fantasy football, and Richardson put on his Derrick Henry cape and is out there trucking guys on his way to the end zone.  Never mind that he’s only made it through 25% of his starts without leaving the game with an injury.  Chris is going to have to drive to Cincy and give Burrow and Chase a stern talking-to if he doesn’t want to be on the outside looking in come playoff time.

Shane Steichen agrees.

5. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken started strong at 4-0, but has since gone 0-4 to drop to 5^th in the current standings.  He was lucky to sneak by Abel in week 2, who scored the 2^nd most points on the week, but has since scored 133 and 137.  That is less scoring than Rachel allows any given week, so he has to be extra disappointed in his performance.  Rodgers’ 4-snap season (5 if you count the Achilles), Barkley’s sprained ankle, and confirmation from Rachel have proven that Finken has depth problems.  Howell and Love haven’t been awful and on paper, his team should be competitive.  But to be fair, on paper, Gibbs seemed like an awesome draft pick.

6. Smells Low – Riley made the big move to acquire Jalen Hurts before the draft thinking that would solidify his QB spot and boost him to the top of the standings.  Unfortunately, he forgot to email Hurts and get him onboard with the plan.  Even his injured RBs have all come back in full force and Amon-Ra has continued his tear.  Riley’s biggest barrier to success is himself as he consistently leaves points on the bench.  Similar to his sister, he’s going to need to AUGMENT his approach if he wants to RACK UP some points.

7. Ah It’s Early – Our reigning champ took a page out of the 2022 Rams playbook and has started out worse than Iowa State's anti-gambling compliance.  His team is mostly the same as the prior year, minus the scoring points part as he put up his first sub-100 game since 2017.  Seth didn’t have much draft capital and fortunately for everyone else, he blew it on an aging RB that’s about to lose his job to an UFDA.  Big uff da!  With a low max PF and a suspect RB group, he may need to embrace the rebuild with the same vigor that he embraces Chris’s sister.

Seth holding the title over Chris, in more ways than one.

8. Off Suit 10s – Kyle kept Adam Schefter and Co busy with a furious amount of trading in the offseason.  This resulted in a ton of picks this year and a few new key pieces.  He got some immediate impact guys like Bijon, Deebo, Gabe Davis, LaPorta, and Stroud along with some other high ceiling guys to develop into next year.  The rebuild is off to a good start, way better than if Brian Ferentz would’ve been coordinating it.  At least Kyle won’t lose his team if he doesn’t score a specific amount per week….or will he?