Week 11

Well that was eventful.  There were upsets in 3 of the 4 matches this weekend but it really didn’t do anything to change the playoff picture except open up seeding movement possibilities.  Kyle sealed up his playoff berth and Lazer all but sealed up his spot as well.  With only 3 weeks of the season left, Finken still technically has a shot to grab that 4^th playoff spot but it take a collapse of Chris’s team on par with a PeLLLLini-led defense for him to get there. 

 

At this point, each team is jockeying for the top spot in their half as that ensures a match-up with the seemingly weakest opponents, Lazer and Abel, in the first round of the playoff.  But as Riley and Seth found out, you had better show up every week or you’ll be knocked the fudge out.  As a reminder, the trade deadline was set for November 28 so everyone has until then to propose the most ridiculous trades possible to Kyle.  Remember, 2018 and 2019 draft picks could be on table.  On with the power rankings…

 

1.      Off Suit 10s – Kyle finally gets his due by winning 5 in a row and coming to a 3-way tie at the top.  He may not have the most points but his team is on fire and South and Riley finally lost.  It looks like all of his trades have paid off as he’s totally reshaped his team, mainly by trading for half of Mitch’s team.  In fact, it’s working so well, I wouldn’t be surprised if Lehman tries this in other aspects of his life.  I’ve heard he’s proposed trading his dog for a 30 pack to be named later or some of his Iowa swag for this sandwich…

 

2.      Fuck It Three – Garrett had his 3 game winning streak snapped this week even though he would’ve beaten almost every other team in the league.  He had a chance going into MNF with 3 of his big guns left to fire only needing 92 points to catch Finken.  But unlike his baby gravy advice to Mitch, his Steelers came out firing blanks.  South has by far the hardest road left playing all 3 of the other top teams so getting that first round match with Lansink won’t be easy.  At least not as easy as Southie’s mom. 

 

3.      Smells Low – Riley got the Caesar award stuck in his nostrils this weekend and ended up losing the game to Chris.  He could’ve put the starting Denver RB (CJ Anderson) in place of any of his flex players and kept the last playoff spot up for grabs.  But he relied on the wrong Broncos and it singed his nose hairs badly.  We may have gotten a glimpse at Riley’s future as he has 2 very old QBs and is without a 4^th one on his roster.  Luckily, Riley’s road forward is pretty easy with games against Mitch and Abel.  If he can't win those games, then...

 

4.      If We’re Using Logic – Chris had to sweat through MNF hoping once again that a kicker wouldn’t ruin his weekend since his 2^nd kicker already put up 15 points on his bench and would’ve given him the win.  Much to Southie's chagrin, the Steelers couldn't finish the deal all night and kicked a bunch of FGs.  Lazer’s next 2 games are against the best 2 teams so if he loses both and Finken continues to win, he could keep some intrigue the rest of the season.  Chris really beefed up his RB position using all of his FAB money to snatch up Jonas Gray.  Because if there's one thing that's a proven certainty, it's Belichick sticking with and leaning on one RB. 

 

5.      Bye Week – Finken pulled off a win over Southie and needed high points of the week to do it.  Other than Kyle, Finken has the hottest team in the league winning 4 of the last 5 after starting out 0-6.  Something’s got to give as these two teams meet up in Week 12.  Finken was hoping to get Peterson back, but the Goodell-bot made sure that didn’t happen.  As mentioned before, he needs to keep winning and have Chris to start losing.  But most likely all his hopes and dreams will be crushed just like his star WR...

6.      Play It Backwards – Mitch lost to his trading/life partner to end his playoff hopes and has now lost 5 of the last 6 games.  His plan to pawn off all his spare parts onto Lehman backfired as his former QB, Smokin’ Jay Cutler, led the charge against him.  Now that it’s official that we will have a new champion this year, Mitch should probably get on building us a trophy for the league so he can enjoy it for a few days before Riley wins it and turns it into a giant bong for his frat house or Southie gets it stolen from his house. 
 

 

7.      Goldy’s Heroes – Abel breaks his 4 games losing streak and he did it without his best player with Murray on bye.  He finally started Mark Ingram would had a solid game but astutely continued to sit Bryant as he was due for a down game.  Jared also wisely sat Eli who threw more picks (5) then his 2 starters did combined (4).  Despite his win this week, this is mostly how I feel about Abel’s roster…

 

8.      Ah It’s Early – Seriously Seth….?  The Power Rankings didn’t want to do this but you left us no choice.  You may have more points than Abel but you’ve lost 4 in a row, you lost to Abel by 40 and you voluntarily started David Carr instead of Andy Dalton against New Orleans’s swiss cheese secondary.  Luckily/Pathetically you don’t get the Caesar award as it would’ve taken multiple roster adjustments to approach a victory.  But seriously, David Carr…? 

Week 10

Well, the power rankings decided to get an early start on the week and had a whole narrative planned out about how the top 4 teams all beat the bottom four teams and how the playoff picture was basically set and the final 4 weeks would be pretty uneventful.  And then….with 5:30 remaining in the MNF game, KBen (as his close friends call him) collected his 2^nd TD catch of the 4^th quarter and to help Finken take the lead away from Lazer and shake everything up.  There is still a large divide between the top half and the bottom half as Riley and South have already clinched playoff spots.  But Lazer’s loss leaves the door open for one of the 3-7 teams to creep up and catch him.  They had better work fast as there’s only 4 weeks of season left to go, but I’m telling you there’s a chance.  And now, on with the power rankings…
 

 

1.      Smells Low – Riley remains at the top by a nose hair as he has the best record and the most points along with putting up the most points in rivalry week.  In fact, Riley has scored the most points each week in 5 of the last 6 weeks.  Think about that, a bunch of grown men are getting their asses whipped by a goddamn college kid.  And he did it this week without Brady or a few of his other top weapons.  Luckily, along with Lynch's huge game, his NAMBLA-esque love partner Peyton carried him to victory by not allowing his back-up to see the field in a blow-out.  No wonder Peyton is the all time leader of everything except playoff wins, the greedy stat whore.  Riley swept his season series with Seth and snuffed out any chance of being dethroned this week. 

2.      Fuck It Three – After losing 2 games in Week 6 and 7, Garrett’s reeled off 3 straight W’s to clinch a playoff spot.  In the only other relatively close game this week, South didn’t need Luck or Big Ben to throw for 6 TDs.  It was superior fantasy sportsing that allowed South to score his lowest point total of the year and still come out victorious and sweep the season series against Mitch and achieve true Luther legendary status.  South has the toughest remaining schedule, playing Finken and then the other top 4 teams.  I would recommend resting his starters and getting healthy this week in preparation for that home stretch.

 

3.      Off Suit 10s – Kyle kept it rolling with his 4^th straight victory and claimed his rightful throne as the King of Winterset.  He rode the back of Rodgers and Jimmy Graham to an easy decapitation of Jared that avenged the early season loss at the hands of House Abel.  Kyle can pretty much lock up his spot in the playoffs this weekend while eliminating his recent trading partner in their match.  However with only 4 weeks to go, there's little chance of him moving up into the top 2 spots unless one of those powerhouses in front of him really beings to stumble.  That would take a Kirk Ferentzing of epic proportions. 

 

4.      If We’re Using Logic – Chris was leading by 8 going into the MNF game and all he needed to do was to have McCoy do something and Benjamin do less.  Unfortunately for him, the opposite happened and he was handed his first losing streak of the season.  Now he has to carry the Caesar award into Week 11.  For some reason, Chris has 2 kickers on his roster and a simple switcheroo of them would’ve given him the win.  He also had 4 other guys on his bench that scored 20 or more points that would’ve done the trick as well.  While Chris is still fairly safe in the playoff picture sitting at 6-4, he’s also very fortunate.  The Yahoo recaps illustrates how he would be 1-7 if he would’ve played Finken’s schedule.  And this coming week, he gets the #1 team who’s getting Brady back.  If he’s not careful, the losing streak may continue.  Luckily, if there’s one thing Chris is good at handling, it’s losing in ridiculous fashion.

5.      Bye Week – For the 2^nd week in a row, Finken loses a starting QB for the season and gets a RB hurt that doesn’t finish the game.  But luckily, he found a way to win as mentioned before.  The Caesar award would’ve been his if he wouldn’t have pulled this game out of his ass since he started the Ravens D instead of the Cards D. However he did maximize the remaining skill players that remained healthy.  Finken finally started Mike Evans and his 2 rookie WRs paid him back with 47.5 combined points.  Finken has a tall order next week against South who’s getting Luck back and then Kyle, but he finishes the season with Seth and Abel.  He needs to steal one of the next two in order to have a chance.  Just make sure he doesn’t get caught, Finken ain’t going back to no jail.

6.      Play It Backwards – After Indianola’s beat down from Dowling last week and watching his beloved Bears get their shit pushed in by the Packers (see what I did there?), Mitch pulled open his fantasy app and thought, “well I only lost to South by 18, at least they didn’t have to start the running clock.”  Mitch finally got all of his WRs healthy but only 2 of them showed up for action this week and Bernard remains a question mark.  No one on his bench would’ve helped much either.  If this team could ever stay healthy, it’d be a force to be reckoned with.  But with the way things look now, Mitch might as well grab a seat and smoke’em if he’s got’em. 

 

 

 

 

7.      Ah It’s Early – The power rankings has to apologize to Riley and Seth.  I totally missed what their true rivalry was all about and that is their connection to the Cyclones.  And while Riley rose up like the basketball squad that soared to the Sweet 16™, Seth faceplanted like the football team in route to his 3^rd L in a row.  There is good news and bad news going forward.  The bad news is that the Cowboys are on bye next week which means that he’ll be without Romo, Dez and his K this next week.  The good news is that he’s playing Abel without Murray.  A victory here may be like winning a medal at the Special Olympics.  It may feel good but really, it’s still the Special Olympics. 

 

8.      Goldy’s Heroes – Abel deserves an honorary Caesar award even though this wouldn’t have mattered in any of his recent match-ups.  He’s left Mark Ingram and Martavis Bryant on the bench the past 3 weeks.  All they’ve done is consistently average 22 and 23 points each week respectively.  Abel has now lost 4 in a row and has lost those 4 games by an average of 62.  62 points!!!  For some light at the end of the tunnel, those losses were primarily against the best teams in the league.  3 of his next 4 are against the bottom half of the league and Abel may be able to tunnel his way to respectability.  Even if he comes up short (which he will) in taking home this league’s trophy, he can take solace knowing he has another trophy in his case…

 

PS – OK, let’s discuss how ridiculous the trade is that Mitch and Kyle made.  Now the trade itself was reasonable and I see how it benefits each team.  That’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the legally binding document that was obviously drafted by the law firm Queef, Fartbarf & Turd.  Why was this not discussed and put in stone during a card night?  Oh that’s right, because Kyle was too busy to come play last week.  It should be a requirement if a trade like this ever happens again, at least 3 other league members be present to witness the details being hashed out.  I would’ve paid money to watch Mitch and Kyle try to put this together while Lansink, South and I sit there and make snide comments and try to influence the process one way or another.  I really hope Mitch turns around trades this conditional pick to someone else for something ridiculous. 

 

PPS – Mitch, I don’t understand how your last name signature is basically just a triangle or star.  Is that a geometry thing or does that mean that you get a gold star for participating in the trade?

 

Week 9

Week 9 is in the books and much like Week 8, it was another week of blowouts, except for one game.  Drama going forward in the league may be left to playoff seeding rather than “are they in or out” talk (and just like cards, Abel’s out) as the top 4 teams have taken a commanding lead over the bottom 4.  There are only 5 games left in the regular season so if any of those lower 4 teams want to sneak into the playoffs, they had better make their move now.  This week is the ever-important rivalry week and we will spend a short amount of time diving into a preview of each match-up.  As for now, let get on with the power rankings…

1.      Smells Low – Riley sniffs ahead of South although they really could be considered 1A and 1B.  The power rankings put Riley back in 1^st by a nose as they have the same record and very similar point totals but Riley blew snot all over Southie’s team when they met on the field in Week 6.  Riley put quite the beating on Finken and maximized his lineup to put up high points of the week.  He has a few important byes this week including Brady but he’s got enough solid depth to snort out Seth’s upset bid. 

2.      Fuck It Three – Garrett still has the most points in the league and managed not to screw up any major roster decisions this week.  Yeah he left some points on his bench but he could’ve just started Luck, Big Ben and Antonio Brown and still beaten Abel handily.  This coming week could be tricky for South against Mitch as he has 6 important guys on bye including replacing Luck with Kyle “the Neckbeard” Orton.  Based on his point total, it should be no surprise that Garrett has 3 of the top 6 ranked fantasy players for the season.  All the more amazing since we here at the power rankings are still not sure if Southie truly knows what football is.   

 

3.      Off Suit 10s – Kyle's  ascension continues as he steamrolled Seth this week in route to a 3 game winning streak.  This will most likely become 4 as he squares off against Abel this week.  This win was even more impressive as Rodgers was on a bye and Kyle chose to start the immortal Mike Glennon and the Hall-of-Famer Brian Hoyer instead of his love-toy Bortles.  Luckily, they were playing each other in a game that was probably not even televised.  Kyle gets Rodgers back this week but one of these days, having only 1 good QB and 3 shitty ones may come back to ram him in the ass like an Iowa fan in a Superdome bathroom. 

4.      If We’re Using Logic – Chris falls back down to the 4^th spot after a close loss to Mitch.  Chris also gets to take home the Caesar award this week as he would’ve won easily if he would’ve started Boldin or Jordan Matthews over Doug Baldwin.  It also didn’t help that Rivers played mostly like the turd he is.  It was still a valiant effort as he had 9 spots on bye which were pretty much all Falcons.  If you look at this team’s record going back to Week 4, it’s gone W-L-W-L-W-L.  While this doesn’t look good for Finken this week, it sets up well for Riley to take down Lazer in Week 11 if the pattern holds.  Chris still has the second lowest points scored in the league and if we played every team each week, Chris would be just 26-37.  That's still better Andy Reid’s playoff record. (props to Southie for that stat, which may or may not be completely made up)

5.      Play It Backwards – Mitch just squeaked by La Lazer this week riding the backs of Hill and Foster.  He’s luckily his starters performed because his bench scored a grand total of 26 points.  This broke a 3 game losing streak for Mitch but if patterns hold, he’s in for another 3 Ls.  However (best Stephen A Smith voice), if there’s one team in the lower half poised to make a run, it’s Mitch.  He’s getting all of his top WRs back and all his important byes are done after this week.  He will have some interesting roster choices as he may have to leave some guys like Watkins/Hill/Bernard/Foster/Garcon on the bench.  Fortunately for the rest of us, we saw last week against Dowling how Mitch manages his team in the playoffs.

6.      Ah It’s Early – If Kyle wouldn’t have had such a good day, Seth would’ve been a prime candidate for the Caesar award as he chose Randle and Cooks over LaFell, DJax and Sanu.  None of these moves would’ve given him the win since he put up low points of the week but wow.  Now let's talk about the fact that Seth paid $40 of FAB (his last $40) to get LaFell and then didn’t even start him and now he’s on bye this week.  Way to get your money’s worth Seth.  Screw it, you get to share the Caesar award with your brother-in-law.  

7.      Bye Week – Finken went up against the high points of the week and didn’t stand a chance.  It hurt him that Foles and Miller got injured early in their games and he did leave a decent amount of points on the bench.  Mike Evans is finally starting to play like he expected after taking him first overall in the draft but sadly, Finken hasn’t had the foresight to put him in his lineup once yet this year.  It's interesting that he may get Peterson back for this stretch run but the moral thing to do is probably leave him suspended on the bench to further the lesson.  Much less interesting is that the Eagles playoff hopes now rely on Mark Sanchez.

 

8.      Goldy’s Heros – Let’s look at the positives.  Abel scored over 100 points (barely) and wasn’t low scorer of the week.  He also managed to start a full roster.  That’s about it.  We’ll see if he can keep that momentum going into his matchup with Lehman.  But seriously, does it really matter?

 

 

Preview of Rivalry Week

-          Mitch vs. Southie – These two Luther “athletes” meet again after South took the first contest in Week 3.  While Garrett may have been a national champ at touching other dudes, Mitch is a proven quarters champion.  We’ll have to see how these talents translate to field. 

 

-          Finken vs. Lazer – Obviously the best educated of this group, these two Drake grads, Phi Delts, West End bartenders and Nebraska fans (Chris converted earlier this year) have a long history with one another.  It’s a pretty even match-up right now but like Lazer’s sexuality, it could go either way.

-          Lehman vs. Abel – Kyle is obviously favored (it’s Abel for God sakes) in the battle for Winterset but Abel did win the first match-up.  Kyle needs to even the series but in the event of a tie, Abel would be a heavy favorite.  The appropriate tiebreaker is a Busch Light chugging contest while Nascar blares in the background.

-          Seth vs. Riley – This rivalry seems a bit forced but like Danny DeVito in Twins, these two teams are the leftovers.  Seth married into card night and Riley was brought in by his two teachers.  On second thought, that doesn’t sound great.  Riley, is there anything from your high school days that may be deemed inappropriate by law enforcement standards on this student-teacher relationship?  This is a safe place, I promise.