Week 7

It’s halftime, fellas.  It’s time for the Power Rankings committee to make some much needed adjustments both in writer and rankings.  There’s a three way for the coveted 4^th playoff spot.  Fortunately for Southie, the only three way that he’s interested in is an MFF.  Currently, riding the top scores from weeks 1 through 3, Lazer holds the tiebreaker and would fill out the playoff bracket if the playoffs started this weekend.  However, both Seth and Abel are tired of playing the role of Squeaks and are sitting only one game back at 2-5.

1. Smells Low – After deciding that holding on to 4 tight ends is only something that he should do in his frat house, Riley decided to pick up a much needed K and D.  The selfish Tom Brady decided he wanted to lead the Pats in both passing and rushing yards and it showed on the fantasy scoreboard.  Fortunately for Riley, he can probably rest his K and D this week as he’s up against Play It Backwards, who’s averaging a mere 132 fake points of football over the past 4 weeks.  It seems like a good week for Riley to rub tummies with college chicks, knock boots with his FWB, and throw in his backups to see how they fare in real, game-time situations.

Been that kind of season for Riley so far.

2. Rollin' 4 Deep – Sweating out MNF wasn’t as fruitful this week for Finken as Seth edged him by the length my penis…literally inches.  While Abel and Mitch were fighting over who sucks the most, Seth was edging Finken by 0.56 points in a Monday Night kicker versus defense battle.  R4D really could have used one of Riley’s 6 TE’s as the Chargers opted to rest Antonio Gates during a week that Rivers was going to collect more garbage points than a hobo at a crappy arrow factory.  With the Eagles and Huskers playing football like a bunch of blind kids playing dodgeball, we’ll have to hope that Finken can right the ship against Lehmen this week so that he has one football team to cheer for.

Rivers tells the coach to fucking put in Gates.

 

3. Fuck It Three – In the battle of the once-mighty powerhouses FIT and IWUL, Southie managed to pull of the win with consistent effort across his team.  Riding the Doug Martin for Alfred Morris/Cameron Artis-Payne trade all the way to the bank, Southie is still sitting atop the total points for list.  However, scheduling hasn’t been on his side as his opponents have scored more on him than the ISU football team is going to score on Eva in the next couple of weeks.  With Big Ben slated to come back to make up for the epic flop that has been 2016 Eddie Lacy, FIT looks to be set up for a late season push.

Look who's coming for each of your rear ends.

4. Off Suit 10s – Kyle’s stock took a hit this week when Devonta Freeman proved to be human while his kicker and defense netted him 3 all-natural, gluten-free points.  Losing Foster for the season is going to hurt as OSX’s depth is less than impressive.  However, Gurley is proving his worth and looking to make Seth out to be fool for not taking my advice in drafting him with one of the first two picks.  Kyle is sliding down a spot this week on the Foster injury, but that could change as he has dates with Finken and Southie the next two weeks.  If the Hawkeyes keep winning, Kyle might forget about fantasy football altogether and finally pay Chris and Southie the $10 that he’s owed them since draft day.





5. If We're Using Logic – After averaging 93 points per game through the first three weeks, the dynamic duo of duos, Ryan/Jones and Manning/Beckham, only managed a mere 51 points as Chris lost his fourth in a row.  Across that three game stretch, IWUL’s average ppg dropped by 62 points from 186 to 124.  No matter how good his team looks on paper, the Power Rankings couldn’t in good conscious keep Chris in the playoff picture with that sort of what-have-you-done-for-me-lately performance. With Abel and Seth on the docket the next two weeks, Chris will need to make a move now if he has any hope of defending his title.  With age being an issue for Chris, we anticipate his descent to continue through the remainder of the season.

Jee golly whiz guys...

6. Ah It's Early – With two solid weeks in the books, including the top score of the week, Seth deserves some credit, and he gets it with the #6 ranking this week.  Seth may deserve the performance of the year as he set is roster to perform at its optimal lever, which, to be honest, wasn’t that hard considering the group of non-injured turds that are warming up his cold, aluminum benches.  With solid performances out of most of his starters, especially the 30.2 out of Reed, Seth out-performed his projected points by 46 to edge Finken by a mere 0.56 points.  Still banged up, Seth is going to need bring the same A game that landed Chris’s sister in bed if he wants to make a serious playoff push.

7. Play It Backwards – In an epic game of grab-ass yielding the lowest two scores of the week, Mitch edged Abel by nearly a full 1.5 points.  Unfortunately for Mitch, his optimal score would have only been about 140 or some crap score like that…the math was getting too intense for me to calculate.  140 would have been enough to beat zero other fake football players this week.  With an aging Peyton Manning and a run-heavy Seattle team, the D. Thomas and J Graham trades aren’t looking as fruitful as previously assumed.  With a little more talent in the stable, Mitch will need some solid performances out of Green and Gio if he hopes to avoid a beating similar to Wednesday night.

Summation of Mitch's starting lineup this season.

8. I'm Out – With low points on the season and his general disinterest in the league, Abel lands at the bottom of the Power Rankings this week.  His week 6 anomaly could not be replicated and Abel returned to low score of the week.  It appears as though he’s dedicated to filling a lineup each week, but his lack of awareness of the waiver wire has put his team at a disadvantage going forward.  Up against the defending champion, Abel might not want to up the ante to $20 this week as he’s been known to do.  We don’t expect this blind squirrel to find a nut any time soon.

No wins for you.

Week 6

Week 6 is in the books and this season is shaping up much differently than last season.  Last year, the top 4 playoffs teams were determined pretty early and the 2nd half of the season wasn't very interesting.  This year, it seems like any of the top 7 teams (sorry Seth) could make the playoffs and it wouldn't be a surprise (well, maybe Abel...yeah, definitely Abel).  Week 7 is the mid-way point and everyone will have played each of the other teams.  Starting next week, it's either revenge or getting the brooms out but for now, on with the power rankings.

What is going on in this league this year?

1. Smells Low - Riley's team put together a solid week and took home high points.  He was expecting much more from his Pats though trying to get revenge on the Colts.  Unfortunately, those points were all sitting on Mitch's bench.  Riley is looking to trade for some younger talent (aren't we all...amiright, married guys?) and is ready to wheel and deal.  He'll need it this week going against the hottest team in the league with all of his Broncos on bye.  His issue will be does he drop some of his position players or the #1 K and D.  These are the decisions that could haunt him the rest of the season. Hopefully they teach that in Chopping Wood 101 or whatever bullshit classes he's taking this semester. 



Riley expects so much more from you Tom Brady

2. Rollin' 4 Deep - Sweating out the SNF and MNF weren't fun for Finken but luckily for him, Gronk, Eli and ODB minimized the damage and propelled him to his 3rd W in a row.  Rivers was huge throwing for over 500 yards (obviously in a loss, it's Rivers) especially since Peterson was stuffed by KC.  Alas the same happened to KC's RBs that Finken had invested heavily in, returning a mere 7 points combined which is a less than optimal ROI.  Seth's decimated team is coming to town and R4D is favored big to keep rolling to 4 straight and a 6-1 record.  At this pace, it'll take a Cornhusker-like collapse at the end of the season for him to miss the playoffs for the 3rd straight year. 

Not sure how, but Finken's 5-1

3. Off Suit 10s - Kyle has skyrocketed up the rankings as he's won 3 in row.  The pessimist will say that those wins were over the 3 worst teams but Kyle now has the #1 ranked player and 5 of the top 12 are on his roster.  Amazingly, 3 of those were traded to him from Finken at some point for a grand total of jack, shit and Phillip Rivers.  Unlike his Hawkeyes, the schedule tightens up with Riley and then Finken, plus OS10s has Rodgers on bye this week.  He gets through these next few weeks unscathed, then it's really time to take notice. 

Lehman barely sneaking by Mitch

Tie-4. Fuck It Three - For losing to I'm Out, South should've plummeted down the standings further, however he's still leading the league in points and has only lost 2 in a row.   Getting a monster game out of Hopkins and Luck weren't enough this week.  AZ shut down all of his Steelers and Lacy had a runny nose so he decided not to play.  It looks like South is betting on Big Ben coming back this week which would be a boost to his whole lineup.  If BB doesn't go, it could be trouble in the rematch from last year's title match this week against Lazer in which he got smoked by 60 points. 

This was basically South's effort against Abel

Tie-4. If We're Using Logic - Chris had to have felt great watching MNF as Eli and ODB marched right down the field and scored early in the game.  Surely a sign of things to come and a 72 point deficit could be quickly erased.  However, Eli had other plans as he decided to hold the ball longer than South holds info from his friends and they finished with only 30 points between them.  It also didn't help that he left Starks, Jon Brown and Shady McCoy on the bench this week.  That's now 3 losses in a row and South is up next.  Four straight losses and a below .500 record?  Sounds like he might want to stick with middle school football.

Chris's MNF experience in a nutshell

6. Play It Backwards - Looks like Mitch now owes Kyle a sixer after his close loss.  Luckily Busch Light is the pinnacle of Kyle's beer sophistication chart and so it won't be too hard on the wallet.  Megatron and Graham finally showed up for Mitch and backed up their starting status but Bradford was pretty useless on MNF.  Mitch didn't have the foresight to start Blount going against the team that he always runs over.  Oh well, I'm sure Danny Woodhead got just as many points against a solid D.  With a bunch of his bigtime players on bye this week, he's lucky he's facing Abel.  Wait, let's ask South how that turned out.

Despite this, Mitch still can't put it together.

7. I'm Out - Abel's team finally came to life this week and put a hurt on FIT by almost grabbing high points.  Even though his TE gave him a 0 and he left Cutler and Bryant on the bench, his Jets came through for him and the rest was solid enough.  As mentioned before, he's getting Mitch at a good time and if he remembers to set his lineup, he could actually put together a winning streak.  Although with Mariota banged up and Cutler on bye, he may have to rely on his 4th QB to get him through the week.  I think RG3 is projected to get at least 18 points right? 

Here was high points for you Abel...

8. Ah It's Early - Seth really made a run at it with a bunch of guys on bye and banged up.  He got solid production out of his QBs and starting skill guys.  Sadly, he didn't start JStew over MelGor or the Houston D (against Jax!) over the AZ D (against Pitt).  He makes those changes and grabs the win and high points for the week.  Now he's facing Finken and has Forte and the Red Rocket on bye with Keenan Allen banged up.  Not ideal.

Doing write-ups for Seth's team feels like...

Week 5

Alright guys, it's Week 5.  Time to stop dicking around and start taking this seriously now.  How can we let the guy who has the oldest roster and didn't have a pick in the draft until round 4 take control of this league?  We're going to let a freaking ID checker at a college bar outwit a bunch of well-educated and high performing professionals (except Chris, very unprofessional)?  Unbelievable.  I thought I knew you guys.  I guess we'll just have to get on with the rankings...

Riley after taking down Lazer

1. Smells Low - The kid took down Old Man Lansink and claims the #1 spot.  Riley used the Pats O and the Denver special teamers to dismantle the former top scorer in the league .  It could've been even worse if he would've benched Peyton and put in either Tyrod or "Elite QB Joe Flacco?".  It looks like he's taken the appropriate steps for next week and told Peyton to grab some pine.  Riley looks to hang onto the top spot for the foreseeable future as he has the worst 4 teams up next.  And that's nothing to turn your nose up at. 

Definitely elite

2. Rollin 4 Deep - Finken looked like he was in trouble going into MNF down by 12 with Rivers and Gates left to go against Bell and Antonio Brown.  But luckily for him, Rivers hit Gates twice in the end zone and Vick forgot Brown was on his team, which propelled R4D to victory and high points for the second straight week.  Unfortunately Finken lost Charles who was the #1 RB coming into Week 5 for the season.  He can't sit around feeling sorry for himself as he plays Chris this week and has Evans and Randle on bye.  Only time will tell if dropping the better part of a Benjamin on Kanye's brother to replace Charles will pan out in the long run. 

Is this the end for Finken's season?

3. Fuck It Three - FIT almost got through another week without his top 2 QBs.  For the most part, his 4th tier QBs did their part, it was South's own tinkering that was his ultimate downfall.  He chose to put a hobbled Lacy out there against one of the best Ds in the NFL instead of Doug Martin against the SEC's 5th best team, the Jags in a guaranteed shoot-out.  It sure worked for leaving Yeldon in.  As I always say, make sure and get as many Jags and Bucs on my roster as possible.  Luckily, FIT probably gets Luck back this week and he'll need him since a bunch of his guys are on bye.  Oh wait, he's playing I'm Out....nevermind.

South thought he had the win wrapped up, and then...

4. If We're Using Logic - Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Eli and Ol Dirty Beckham couldn't keep IWUL afloat forever and now he's lost 2 straight.  Matt Ryan decided to take the week off and outside of a BS fumble recovery in the end zone, Julio was shut down as well and now maybe hurt.  Chris could rebound back up the rankings quickly with a win over a depleted Finken this weekend (which he's favored to do) and South the following week.  However, as Peyton is learning the hard way, so to is Chris.  It's tough being an old man in a young man's game. 

Pretty much what Riley did to Chris on Sunday

5. Off Suit 10s - Riverboat Kirk Kyle rolled the dice and it came up snake eyes (or something good, I don't know how to play craps, who cares) by not playing a K or D against Abel.  He also got nothing out of his TE as well.  While this is probably more of a reflection of Abel and his roster, it does show that Kyle's coming on strong and the teams at the top had better take notice.  And we're going to find out as he plays Mitch this week and then gets the top 4 teams after that.  Unfortunately for Kyle, he's still going to have to provide libations and snacks at cards next week as his (weak) attempt last week with a free pizza and (very) few extra random beers in his fridge just isn't going to cut it to pay for his incomplete roster.

Kyle takes out a not-paying-attention Abel

6. Play It Backwards - PIB cannot be satisfied with his roster production.  His QBs have underwhelmed all season so far, his 3-headed monster at WR have been very inconsistent and he hasn't been able to solve the Bengals RB situation yet.  His trade for Jimmy Graham is proving to be meh at best and his other option at TE appears to be as non-existent as Abel's presence at cards.
 

This is exactly what Mitch envisioned owning JG would be

7. Ah It's Early - Put it on the board.  AIE gets his first win of the season after dropping 4 straight.  The Red Rocket and his tight end (sexual football) were what put him over the top which could not have been expected since they were playing Seattle's D.  Seth didn't have much of a choice because of his depleted roster.  He may want to take a page out of Kyle and Abel's playbook and just leave roster slots empty.  Kyle's K and D scored more points than Percy Harvin did.  It doesn't get any easier either as he now has the top 4 teams in the rankings coming his way in order.  Good luck with that stretch.  There's always 2016.

Somehow Seth pulled out the win over Mitch

8. I'm Out - Kyle challenged Abel's manhood by proclaiming he didn't need a K or D to beat him and Abel's response was to score 92 points.  To be fair, he did set his lineup and no moves that could've been made would've won IO the game.  Other than dropping Rice and RG3 weeks ago and hitting the waiver wire for reinforcements.  But that would've taken foresight and effort, somewhat like chess.  I'm not even sure if Abel is playing checkers.

Abel's just on an entirely different level

Week 4

In Week 3, everyone scored a ton of points and outperformed expectations, except Finken.  And then Week 4 came and the exact opposite happened.  Finken scored high points and no one else cracked 140, which is crazy.  Really, you should all be embarrassed as there were a ton of points left on the bench and numerous moves that could've been made to swing results.  But yet, we're all stuck at home dealing with our kids and making terrible fantasy decisions while our wives are in KC trying to hook-up with South before his nuptials maxing out our credit cards. 

This week wiped out the unbeatens.

The Power Rankings are taking a cheap way out this week by not specifically ranking a number of teams.  This is a function of the fact that the best 4 teams are paired up this week as are the worse 4.  So we'll have a clear distinction after Week 5 of who's King Shit and who really is shit (but I think we already know this part).

Tie-1st - If We're Using Logic - Chris still gets the benefit of the doubt since he's the reigning champ and he's scored the most points.  However (best Stephen A Smith voice), he's also only beaten the 3 worst teams and is currently relying on Frank Gore as his only viable option at RB.  Luckily, Gronk's bye is now past and most of his other ones are later in the year.  However, it'll be tough to take IWUL seriously if he has many weeks in which he benches the one skill player (non QB) who scored over 15 points.  We'll find out how good he really is as he faces the other 3 top teams in the next 3 weeks. 

Tie-1st - Smells Low - Riley is tied with Lazer this week since he lost as well and they square off this coming week.  Winner of that will be #1 and the obvious team to beat the rest of the way.  It appears as though Riley'd ready to ride CJ Anderson like South rode his mom last night; long and hard with disappointing results.  However, he gets Brady and Edelman back which will help negate Lazer's Gronk advantage.  In fact, Riley's fate will be decided at 3:25pm on Sunday when the Denver-Oakland and New England-Dallas games get underway.  All of his current starters except 2 are playing in those games (seriously, go look, the others are both Ind WRs).  He had better hope for a couple of shoot-outs or else he could come up just a nose short which in this case, means getting blown out. 

Good job Riley only signing Broncos and Pats

Tie-3rd - Fuck It Three - What'll you know?  Southie got lucky again.  He caught Riley when he had Brady and Edleman on bye and successfully weathered not having Big Ben and Luck in his lineup.  South is the most likely of these top 3 to drop out although his schedule isn't as daunting as some others.  With Big Ben hurt for a while and Luck potentially ailing going forward, starting Famous Jameis, Josh/Luke/Cade McCown and/or Brandon Weeden is not going to get it done on a regular basis.  FIT is in need of a QB like Abel is in need of an Internets 101 class.

Can Garrett's team survive without me?

Tie-3rd -  Rollin 4 Deep - Technically Finken is tied at 3-1 with the guys above and just scored high points of the week.  But after being low points for a few weeks and only beating the bottom teams, it doesn't feel like he belongs there.  He'll get his chance playing South this week and Lazer next week.  If Brees stays healthy and he can get by this week with a lot of key guys on bye, he'll be fine.  If not, he'll probably crash and burn just like his Huskers have.  At least he'll know what Iowa fans have felt like for the past 5 years.

Could be Finken's season very soon.

5. Play It Backwards - In the most epic of pillow fights, Mitch took down the champ and is poised to go on a run.  He gets to face off against the worst 3 teams next and has his roster pretty healthy and in tact.  If he can stop starting Kaepernick and pick the correct RB, his team will be one to be reckoned with going forward.  That is if his WRs can stop getting the ball punched out of their hands at the goal line by his own defense.  Although 0.25 is a decent batting average, it'd not so great in terms of outperforming projected fantasy points.  That will need to change if PIB plans to make the playoffs.

6. Off Suit 10s - Kyle's getting cocky at 1-3.  Maybe it's New Kirk rubbing off on him.  Now he's contemplating not starting a K or D since he doesn't want to drop any of his amazingly mediocre waiver pick-ups this week.  He's right, maybe it'll work against Abel....but after that, a murders row schedule is headed his way and Freeman won't keep scoring 3 TDs a game.  So he'll end up dumping some of them next week anyway.  Or it means Kyle is about to undertake some serious wheeling and dealing.  But if nothing else, it means we all get free beer and food at the next card night for him not completing his roster. 

Kyle prospects without a kicker or D (in the A)

7. I'm Out - Actually it'll be the next, next card night for Kyle since Abel will do the honors at the next one (that he attends which could be by Christmas, conservatively).  Our favorite cellar dweller failed to take Mariota out of his lineup while he was on bye.  This is curious as he texted Finken about the matchup on the Thursday prior so he obviously knew that he knew he had to make some adjustments...

Stimulating conversation with Abel

We'll see if he notices he's got a few other guys on bye this week and makes the appropriate changes against Kyle.  I would hate for this to continue and soil the integrity of the league.  If only there was someone else we regularly played cards with that has an interest in playing in this dynaasty league.  If only...

Becoming a reality???

 

I think Patrek's ready to go...

8. Ah It's Early - Seth actually had a shot to win if he makes a few better Flex decisions but it's getting tough to just field a lineup at this point.  His team has taken more of a beating than South's junior high penis after dancing with Becky all night at the school dance.  Only 7 of his 16 bench spots actually scored points and one of those was an extra defense.  Sorry Seth, just not your year...

Week 3

Week 2 is behind us and it left the league a little shaken up.  All of the games were pretty interesting and many matchups were up in the air going into MNF.  For the most part, no one caught up enough to affect the outcome but it made for a lot of sweaty palms Monday evening.  It also helped that every team scored more points than expected during the week.  Well, everyone except for Finken who now has the lowest point total in the league but sits at 2-1. 

For something a little different, we'll dive into the matchups from the past week and look forward to Week 4.  We'll also dive into the trades made during the week.  This is when everything starts to get real interesting as bye weeks start with the Pats and Titans.  Making some people dig into their benches will probably yield some very interesting results.

Smells Low defeats Rollin Four Deep - 157.48-136.58

Finken underwhelmed again (says Mrs. Finken) and it finally caught up with him.  Riley's team did just enough to break up Finken's unbeaten record and remain perfect himself.  Manning and Brady were solid and Greg Olsen really put him over the top.  It could've been much better as he only got 7 points out of his starting RBs while he left Ryan Mathews and Dion Lewis on the bench (37.5 points).  Finken's QBs totally failed him as only one scored over 20 points and it was the one on the bench.  He got great games out of his RBs but no one else really stood out.  Could've really helped to have Randle and Tannehill in the lineup but then he remembered, he's not allows to score over 150 per week.  Lowest points scored isn't going to hang on to 4th place for long if he keeps that up.  Luckily Abel's up next for Finken. 

Keep telling yourself that Finken.

Play It Backwards defeats Fuck It Three - 189.08-179.88

South's season, down the fucking drain...

Uh oh Southie, maybe the magic is finally wearing off.  Big Ben goes down and so does FI3. Mitch's flex spots put together just enough to overcome Kaepernick's 37 picks to take down Southie.  AJ Green was a monster and the Seattle D feasted on Jimmy Clausen and the Bears.  For South, word is that Big Ben could be done for a month or two.  This probably means his other Steelers are going to see production go down as well since now they have a dog-murderer trying to get them the ball.  South guessed right on putting Steve Smith in his lineup over some of the other options but now his season might come down to Famous Jameis or Nick Foles...and nobody wants that.  Coming up next, neither of these teams it easy as they both face a 3-0 team.  Mitch gets Lazer and South takes on Riley.  With these two matchups coming up and Riley and Chris playing in Week 5, we'll really be able to sort out the true pecking order in the CNK.

Mitch's team overcame this...

and this.

If We're Using Logic defeats Off Suit 10s - 196.46 - 169.06

Kyle had a chance here if Rodgers has a huge game without throwing it too much to Cobb.  Unfortunately for Kyle, it seemed like Rodgers only has Cobb out there running routes as he threw him 3 TDs which helps Chris pull away.  Each of these owners had a Flex player go over 40 and their WR go for 35.  The difference was while Kyle's only other main production came from Rodgers, Chris had a pretty well-rounded team performance.  If Kyle would've started James Jones and gotten anything else out of any other player, he could've taken down Lazer.  But alas, Kyle deserved it since the Miami kicker missed a PAT which means an automatic loss, doesn't it?

Kyle's kicker.

I'm Out defeats Ah It's Early - 154.58-150.18

As Chris mentioned, the Kar(d)ma Gods shined on Abel this week for setting a full lineup and showing up to his own house for cards.  Abel's team got solid performances out of his main guys and he didn't leave much on the bench.  He could also be sitting pretty with Karlos Williams for the near future.  Unfortunately this week, he's going to need to do some waiver work with Mariota on bye and Cutler and RG3 as his only other QBs.  Hey, can Ray Rice play QB? 

Seth did all he could to try and keep his head above water but made a few bad choices on his flex plays.  But he had better lace it up as he's involved in the matchup of the week with Kyle next week.  0-3 vs 0-3, someone has to win this right?

Do we have to acknowledge next week's game?

Trade 1 - Finken gets Phillip Rivers, Kyle gets Ronnie Hillman, Devonte Freeman and a 5th round pick
Hard hitting analysis:  With Drew Brees looking at a potential should injury/nursing home check-in, Finken panicked and picked up a mid-tier QB to solidify his depth chart. Kyle picked up 2 RBs who won't be starter once their counterparts heal up and a draft pick that won't matter.

Trade 2 - Kyle gets Rashad Jennings, Riley gets that pick that won't matter
Hard hitting analysis: Good work Riley, you gave up a decent RB for a draft pick that probably won't make your second cut next year.  Congats.