Week 7

It’s halftime, fellas.  It’s time for the Power Rankings committee to make some much needed adjustments both in writer and rankings.  There’s a three way for the coveted 4^th playoff spot.  Fortunately for Southie, the only three way that he’s interested in is an MFF.  Currently, riding the top scores from weeks 1 through 3, Lazer holds the tiebreaker and would fill out the playoff bracket if the playoffs started this weekend.  However, both Seth and Abel are tired of playing the role of Squeaks and are sitting only one game back at 2-5.

1. Smells Low – After deciding that holding on to 4 tight ends is only something that he should do in his frat house, Riley decided to pick up a much needed K and D.  The selfish Tom Brady decided he wanted to lead the Pats in both passing and rushing yards and it showed on the fantasy scoreboard.  Fortunately for Riley, he can probably rest his K and D this week as he’s up against Play It Backwards, who’s averaging a mere 132 fake points of football over the past 4 weeks.  It seems like a good week for Riley to rub tummies with college chicks, knock boots with his FWB, and throw in his backups to see how they fare in real, game-time situations.

Been that kind of season for Riley so far.

2. Rollin' 4 Deep – Sweating out MNF wasn’t as fruitful this week for Finken as Seth edged him by the length my penis…literally inches.  While Abel and Mitch were fighting over who sucks the most, Seth was edging Finken by 0.56 points in a Monday Night kicker versus defense battle.  R4D really could have used one of Riley’s 6 TE’s as the Chargers opted to rest Antonio Gates during a week that Rivers was going to collect more garbage points than a hobo at a crappy arrow factory.  With the Eagles and Huskers playing football like a bunch of blind kids playing dodgeball, we’ll have to hope that Finken can right the ship against Lehmen this week so that he has one football team to cheer for.

Rivers tells the coach to fucking put in Gates.

 

3. Fuck It Three – In the battle of the once-mighty powerhouses FIT and IWUL, Southie managed to pull of the win with consistent effort across his team.  Riding the Doug Martin for Alfred Morris/Cameron Artis-Payne trade all the way to the bank, Southie is still sitting atop the total points for list.  However, scheduling hasn’t been on his side as his opponents have scored more on him than the ISU football team is going to score on Eva in the next couple of weeks.  With Big Ben slated to come back to make up for the epic flop that has been 2016 Eddie Lacy, FIT looks to be set up for a late season push.

Look who's coming for each of your rear ends.

4. Off Suit 10s – Kyle’s stock took a hit this week when Devonta Freeman proved to be human while his kicker and defense netted him 3 all-natural, gluten-free points.  Losing Foster for the season is going to hurt as OSX’s depth is less than impressive.  However, Gurley is proving his worth and looking to make Seth out to be fool for not taking my advice in drafting him with one of the first two picks.  Kyle is sliding down a spot this week on the Foster injury, but that could change as he has dates with Finken and Southie the next two weeks.  If the Hawkeyes keep winning, Kyle might forget about fantasy football altogether and finally pay Chris and Southie the $10 that he’s owed them since draft day.





5. If We're Using Logic – After averaging 93 points per game through the first three weeks, the dynamic duo of duos, Ryan/Jones and Manning/Beckham, only managed a mere 51 points as Chris lost his fourth in a row.  Across that three game stretch, IWUL’s average ppg dropped by 62 points from 186 to 124.  No matter how good his team looks on paper, the Power Rankings couldn’t in good conscious keep Chris in the playoff picture with that sort of what-have-you-done-for-me-lately performance. With Abel and Seth on the docket the next two weeks, Chris will need to make a move now if he has any hope of defending his title.  With age being an issue for Chris, we anticipate his descent to continue through the remainder of the season.

Jee golly whiz guys...

6. Ah It's Early – With two solid weeks in the books, including the top score of the week, Seth deserves some credit, and he gets it with the #6 ranking this week.  Seth may deserve the performance of the year as he set is roster to perform at its optimal lever, which, to be honest, wasn’t that hard considering the group of non-injured turds that are warming up his cold, aluminum benches.  With solid performances out of most of his starters, especially the 30.2 out of Reed, Seth out-performed his projected points by 46 to edge Finken by a mere 0.56 points.  Still banged up, Seth is going to need bring the same A game that landed Chris’s sister in bed if he wants to make a serious playoff push.

7. Play It Backwards – In an epic game of grab-ass yielding the lowest two scores of the week, Mitch edged Abel by nearly a full 1.5 points.  Unfortunately for Mitch, his optimal score would have only been about 140 or some crap score like that…the math was getting too intense for me to calculate.  140 would have been enough to beat zero other fake football players this week.  With an aging Peyton Manning and a run-heavy Seattle team, the D. Thomas and J Graham trades aren’t looking as fruitful as previously assumed.  With a little more talent in the stable, Mitch will need some solid performances out of Green and Gio if he hopes to avoid a beating similar to Wednesday night.

Summation of Mitch's starting lineup this season.

8. I'm Out – With low points on the season and his general disinterest in the league, Abel lands at the bottom of the Power Rankings this week.  His week 6 anomaly could not be replicated and Abel returned to low score of the week.  It appears as though he’s dedicated to filling a lineup each week, but his lack of awareness of the waiver wire has put his team at a disadvantage going forward.  Up against the defending champion, Abel might not want to up the ante to $20 this week as he’s been known to do.  We don’t expect this blind squirrel to find a nut any time soon.

No wins for you.