Season 8 - Week 1

With the COVID pandemic affecting every aspect of daily life, football is no different.  We’ve got no preseason games, empty stadiums, fake crowd noise, player opt outs and worst of all, no trip to Vegas.  But at least we do have football, which means we have fake football.  And thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for that since it seems we all need a break from our monotonous, secluded lives where we’re continually staring at the same four walls and its inhabitants with no respite. 

And with that, Year 8 for the Card Night Kangs has begun and it promises to be a season unlike any other, aside from Chris going for his 12^th championship.  Scoring and injuries looks to be higher with minimal live practices and the virus could wreak havoc on team’s rosters.  We are also on high alert for potentially cancelled games or players opting out at any time.  But so far it’s been managed pretty well and it feels like the season could go on without much trouble. 

And much like the NFL, we as your humble moderators will continue to try and put out a regular power rankings but there could be times were its not possible due to COVID, work-and-school-from-home life or just sheer laziness that we’ll blame on exterior factors.  We could even disappear for weeks like Seth on a game night.  But for now, on with the power rankings…

 1.       Fuck It Three – Garrett finally took the trophy home last year after years of losing to Lazer in the playoffs and he’ll stay at the top spot of the rankings until someone dethrones him.  His victory this week, although solid, was not awe-inspiring.  Lamar looks ready to repeat as MVP and Big Ben is back hitting Juju like he’s a gal in a GA nightclub bathroom. However, his stable of RBs are starting to show some worrisome cracks.  Cook got his contract but has a very capable back-up, Mixon may be game-flowed out of the plan because the Bungles suck, Chubb is now 50-50 with Hunt and LeVeon and Lindsay could be just done.  His lone bright spot in his quest to repeat could end up being the DIII undrafted James Robinson that he picked up for not 31, but 32 fake dollars. 

South still basking in finally reaching the pinnacle.

2.       If We’re Using Logic – Chris’s rebuild may be ahead of schedule after the world’s greatest draft (Did you hear?!?!?) and Ridley living up to the hype but we here at the rankings will wait another week or two for final judgement.  However, he did score the most points this week and his roster showed some very promising signs so we’ll tip our cap this week.  We all knew CEH would smash once Damien Williams opted out but now Jonathan Taylor Thomas has a clear runway ahead to do some Home Improvements now that Mack’s achilles blew up like a Beirut warehouse.  Lazer should be good these first few weeks but once bye weeks and a few injuries hit, he’ll be starting more marginal guys than those that are showing up on Riley’s Grindr account. 

Rooting against Lazer's draft picks so we don't have to keep hearing about them.

3.       I’m Out – Abel really transformed his roster this offseason.  He had a bunch of draft capital and used it to grab a bunch of quality veterans like Henry, ODBag, Keenan Allen, Derek Carr and Teddy Two Gloves.  Along with some of the younger guys he drafted last year hitting like Jacobs and DK, these moves should put him in the running for that playoff spot that has eluded him these 7 long years.  Knocking off the preseason favorite in Week 1 was the first step but that sugar-smelling tornado of Team South is coming to town next.  Win that matchup, along with showing up to game night every once in a while, and we’ll really start thinking about modifying that team name. 

Abel feeling confident for the first time in 8 years.

4.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle flirted with a Chris-style teardown by dangling CMC out there earlier this year but decided to run it back and so far, the results looks solid.  $cam signed onto the Pats and looks rejuvenated. Gurley landed in a prime spot with the Falcons. Diggs left town willing all of his targets to Thielen. Fournette got dumped to TB12 island and McCaffrey still continues to get 84 touches per game.  His starters are strong enough to win the title this year but if any major piece goes down, the firesale could begin.  But we all know that isn’t Kyle’s way.  Over/under on when Kyle’s 2022 1^st gets traded is currently Week 7.   

That week 7 line is...

5.       Play It Backwards – It was just not Mitch’s week.  First he watches CEH light it up on Thursday night.  Then his Indians lose a nail-biter on homecoming to a team they convinced to drive cross-state only a few nights prior.  Next, Michael Thomas gets hurt early in the Saints game and is probably out for a few weeks.  And finally, he sees a garbage time Kamara TD reversed by replay that probably would have given him the victory over Lazer.  He ended up being the 2^nd highest scoring team of the week but still took the L.  Better days are ahead for Mitch if Rodgers hits Adams as much as he did along with Dobbins and Gibson gaining ground in their timeshares.  But that was a tough one.  At least he didn’t lose on a stat correction in the playoffs. 

6.       Smells Low – After somehow making the title game last year on the 2^nd worst points, things have may have regressed to the mean for Riley.  He posted 2^nd lowest points of the week and actually paid the price this time.  With Kittle potentially out for a while, he’ll be relying on an almost 30-year old converted QB at TE for the time being.  He should have used one of his mid-round draft picks on an up-and-coming TE like Jonnu Smith or Hayden Hurst.  His big offseason acquisition in Ekeler only catching 1 ball is not going to make it easy for him to sniff out enough points to find the playoffs again.  He had better get a victory over Seth this week or the season could feel as long as his nose is. 

Riley sniffing for wins this season.

7.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Lansink applied the curse by picking R4D to win the league and it was in full effect during week one.  A few of his guys had huge games but on MNF, Conner got hurt, Dionte dropped several easy passes and Barkley rushed for 6 yards.  Heading into the last game, it was basically even with Abel and it became Henry vs AJ Brown.  Brown did his best David Blaine impression and it was basically over by halftime.  Finken continues to have the most underwhelming roster of the league.  It’s a wonder that he’s favored in any matchup on the schedule.  It’d be a miracle if he won more than a few games this year and even got close to the playoffs.  (see Lazer, two can play at this game)

8.       Ah It’s Early – Mahomes, Dak and Nuke are great but if Akers doesn’t hit big soon and Seth has to keep starting James White in his RB slot all year, he’s going to need a lot of lovin’ from Chris sister to ease the pain of all the losses coming his way.  And I mean a lot of lovin.  Absurd amounts.  He’s going to have to hydrate in order to handle it all.