Thursday, October 1, 2020

Season 8 - Week 3

Week 3 is in the books and in the spirit of the Presidential debate (if you can call it that) the other night, we here at the rankings figured we could ask the candidates to debate each of our teams.  The candidates will be given 2 minutes of uninterrupted time by muzzling the other candidate.  Let’s see what each candidate has to say…

1.       Fuck It Three

a.       Biden – I’m just so impressed with what Garrett’s done with this roster.  It’s just remarkable that in this country, we have a team who can finish in dead freaking last in the first season and then make a playoff run every year since.  Yes, there’s been ups and downs, especially against Lansink.   And I cannot condone the actions of some of his players, mainly the rapist and abusers like Tyreeeek, Mixon and Big Ben, they represent a good portion of my opponent’s base of voters.  We need to steer our country in the other direction, which is why I’m asking for your vote.


b.       Trump – I always knew Garrett had the best team, they’re my kind of guys.  Minshew and his mustache, that redneck Kelce, some other guys.  Even when he was last, only I knew he would go on to do great things.  People are saying things just work out for him and I like that because he’s a winner.  I also like that he has a lot of money and doesn’t mess around with smelly kids.  His suburban lifestyle in the liberal shithole city of Minneapolis is what I’m trying to save from the dregs of the inner city violence and low income housing.  We should build a wall around the suburbs!


2.       If We’re Using Logic

a.       Biden – Here’s a team that consistently produces results albeit on the backs of others.  Whether it be Lehman dropping his best players for Chris to grab or Finken falling apart when Lazer has all his draft capital.  He never negotiates in good faith, always taking advantage of others.  He’s the type of guy that says, “What can YOU do for ME?”  This divisive rhetoric is what we need to eliminate in this country.  And it’s why I’ll stand up to bullies like this if elected. 


b.       Trump – As a fellow developer and slum lord, I identify with Chris.  His properties aren’t as good as mine and he spends most of his time helping kids, which is just gross.  But he’s got my kind of attitude.  Like me, he’s smarter than everyone else and lets them know it.  No one knows more about fantasy than Chris except me.  The other crooked managers are just out to get him along with the fake media of the power rankings.  He’s almost as adept as me at the Art of the Deal by evidence of his trading tactics.  And just like me, he’ll stay at the top of the league until he says it’s time to leave.  Spoiler alert, he and I are never leaving.


3.       Smells Low

a.       Biden – Just like myself overcoming my lisp as I first got into public office, Riley has had to fight thru the stigma of his giant honking nose to gain the respect of his peers.  He’s the youngest and poorest of his peers but he’s now shown he belongs after coming in 2nd miraculously last year and contending again this year.  It’s this kind of bootstrap mentality that makes me proud to be an American.


b.       Trump – Just like me, Riley has hot chicks lined up at his door waiting for him to grab their pussies.  Except they ask him to sign the NDA so none of them have to admit what they’ve done.  The only player I like on his squad is Kittle since he’s a loud, obnoxious, probably racist Iowa player.  But Riley spends most of his hippying around in those liberal hellholes out west playing farmhand.  If you don’t own land, you’re not to be trusted.  If it wasn’t for the fact that Riley pays even less in taxes than me, I’d say he’s the biggest loser in the league. 


4.       Ah It’s Early

a.       Biden – I respect Seth because he’s a blue collar guy and has built a blue collar team.  All he wants in life is to do his work, drink Busch Light, have his QBs light up the scoreboard and then go home and light up the bedroom.  He’s an honest man doing a not-so-honest man’s sister.  And I commend him for sticking it to the man, over and over and over…


b.       Trump – I respect Seth for two reasons, none of which are related to football because while his QBs are good, his team is trash.  He can’t make the playoffs finishing 5th each year and that makes him a loser.  But first, Seth is banging one of his opponent’s sister which exerts his dominance like a wild animal and I like that.  Next, I think Seth could be “hair” apparent to my hair style.  As his patch thins out up front, I’ll teach him how to grow the remainder out, wisp it up and style it for an annual cost of only $70,000.  Once he’s got that down, he’ll be irresistible like I am and he can go after the other Lansink sisters.  


5.       Play It Backwards

a.       Biden – Mitch is a guy who respects the elderly and I have reverence for that since his QBs and I are the same age.  I can (barely) remember drafting Brees in my first ever fantasy league in 1974 when scoring was done on my abacus using the Monday sports section.  Unfortunately his fantasy management acumen doesn’t seem to translate into his high school offense efficiency.  This is why I’m proposing that resources be redistributed even among the area high schools so that programs like his Indians can go toe-to-toe with elite institutions around the metro.


b.       Trump – Wait, Indians!?!?  The PC police are coming for that one Mitch.  Many people are saying that Mitch is a left-wing, union man and may be the worst deal maker of the league.  I’m not saying it but I’ve heard many people say it.  He traded CMC and Mixon for Antonio Brown.  Is that not the dumbest trade you’ve ever heard of?  Then he gave away Watson for a 3rd.  I would never make deals like that.  Just like how I got China to pay for the border wall.  If Thomas and Adams are injured for any longer, we’re going to find out his team is garbage.  If his team were any shallower, I’d pay $130K to hook up with it. 


6.       Rollin 4 Deep

a.       Biden – Finken is a prime example of what’s wrong with this league.  He’s done all the right things.  He plays it safe when he should play it safe.  He maintains a consistent plan.  Then, the one time he takes a chance in order to play with the “haves”, everything falls apart.  It was the right move and he just got unlucky and now the whole league has to pay by continually hearing about Lazer’s draft.  If elected, I’ll ratify Bernie’s proposal that we retroactively give back his draft picks in order to redistribute the wealth in a more equitable way. 


b.       Trump – Everyone thought Finken was going to be great this year but I knew it all along.  His team is terrible.  He is a fraud.  He puts on this nice guy act but I see right thru him.  Nice doesn’t get anything done.  He’s weak and takes no chances.  Quite frankly he deserves these losses.  He gave away his assets to the poor and now the poor are invading the elite.  He’s a disgrace to the league…to his family!  Let me tell ya…he’s a disgrace to this country and I want him out.


7.       Off Suit 10s

a.       Biden – This is a team that is the epitome of why we need Wall St reform.  Kyle has recklessly traded away all his assets with no regulation, no governing body to stop him from this madness.  And then the bubble bursts with McCaffrey’s ankle and he’s now left in shambles needing a bailout.  Well folks, I’m here to tell you, there will be no bailout.  Not on my watch.  We need to reign in these speculators and hucksters from our markets and get back on a level playing field. 


b.       Trump – Kyle is my kind of guy.  He’s a deal maker on par with myself and will sell anything to make a nickel.  He attended my ivy league-esque university to learn to sell steak knives to cut my world-renown steaks and RVs in order canvas this great nation to stay at my hotels.  We need to protect his entrepreneurial spirit.  Just like my father giving me hundreds of millions of dollars, Kyle was gifted CMC in order to build an empire.  And just like me, he took that gift and destroyed everything and is now on the verge of financial collapse.  Thanks Obama.


8.       I’m Out

a.       Biden – Abel is a manager that has been systemically disenfranchised throughout the years that there’s almost no way for him to pull himself up.  His community has failed him in educating him how to properly use the waiver wire and allocate his FAAB budget during the season.  We need systems in place to make sure this doesn’t happen and that people such as Abel can be functioning members of this league.  As rising tide lifts all boats and we must be there for Abel in his times of need, which is I guess all the time.


b.       Trump – Abel’s a loser.  Plain and simple.  You know it.  I know it.  The American people know it.  I don’t have time for losers.  #MAGA


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