Week 3 is in the books and in the spirit of the Presidential debate (if you can call it that) the other night, we here at the rankings figured we could ask the candidates to debate each of our teams. The candidates will be given 2 minutes of uninterrupted time by muzzling the other candidate. Let’s see what each candidate has to say…
1.
Fuck It Three
a.
Biden – I’m just so impressed with what
Garrett’s done with this roster. It’s
just remarkable that in this country, we have a team who can finish in dead
freaking last in the first season and then make a playoff run every year
since. Yes, there’s been ups and downs,
especially against Lansink. And I cannot condone the actions of some of
his players, mainly the rapist and abusers like Tyreeeek, Mixon and Big Ben,
they represent a good portion of my opponent’s base of voters. We need to steer our country in the other
direction, which is why I’m asking for your vote.
b.
Trump – I always knew Garrett had the best team,
they’re my kind of guys. Minshew and his
mustache, that redneck Kelce, some other guys.
Even when he was last, only I knew he would go on to do great
things. People are saying things just
work out for him and I like that because he’s a winner. I also like that he has a lot of money and
doesn’t mess around with smelly kids.
His suburban lifestyle in the liberal shithole city of Minneapolis is
what I’m trying to save from the dregs of the inner city violence and low
income housing. We should build a wall
around the suburbs!
2.
If We’re Using Logic
a.
Biden – Here’s a team that consistently produces
results albeit on the backs of others.
Whether it be Lehman dropping his best players for Chris to grab or
Finken falling apart when Lazer has all his draft capital. He never negotiates in good faith, always
taking advantage of others. He’s the
type of guy that says, “What can YOU do for ME?” This divisive rhetoric is what we need to
eliminate in this country. And it’s why
I’ll stand up to bullies like this if elected.
b.
Trump – As a fellow developer and slum lord, I
identify with Chris. His properties
aren’t as good as mine and he spends most of his time helping kids, which is
just gross. But he’s got my kind of
attitude. Like me, he’s smarter than
everyone else and lets them know it. No
one knows more about fantasy than Chris except me. The other crooked managers are just out to
get him along with the fake media of the power rankings. He’s almost as adept as me at the Art of the
Deal by evidence of his trading tactics.
And just like me, he’ll stay at the top of the league until he says it’s
time to leave. Spoiler alert, he and I
are never leaving.
3.
Smells Low
a.
Biden – Just like myself overcoming my lisp as I
first got into public office, Riley has had to fight thru the stigma of his
giant honking nose to gain the respect of his peers. He’s the youngest and poorest of his peers but
he’s now shown he belongs after coming in 2nd miraculously last year
and contending again this year. It’s
this kind of bootstrap mentality that makes me proud to be an American.
b.
Trump – Just like me, Riley has hot chicks lined
up at his door waiting for him to grab their pussies. Except they ask him to sign the NDA so none
of them have to admit what they’ve done.
The only player I like on his squad is Kittle since he’s a loud, obnoxious,
probably racist Iowa player. But Riley
spends most of his hippying around in those liberal hellholes out west playing
farmhand. If you don’t own land, you’re
not to be trusted. If it wasn’t for the
fact that Riley pays even less in taxes than me, I’d say he’s the biggest loser
in the league.
4.
Ah It’s Early
a.
Biden – I respect Seth because he’s a blue
collar guy and has built a blue collar team.
All he wants in life is to do his work, drink Busch Light, have his QBs
light up the scoreboard and then go home and light up the bedroom. He’s an honest man doing a not-so-honest man’s
sister. And I commend him for sticking
it to the man, over and over and over…
b.
Trump – I respect Seth for two reasons, none of
which are related to football because while his QBs are good, his team is
trash. He can’t make the playoffs
finishing 5th each year and that makes him a loser. But first, Seth is banging one of his opponent’s
sister which exerts his dominance like a wild animal and I like that. Next, I think Seth could be “hair” apparent to
my hair style. As his patch thins out up
front, I’ll teach him how to grow the remainder out, wisp it up and style it
for an annual cost of only $70,000. Once
he’s got that down, he’ll be irresistible like I am and he can go after the
other Lansink sisters.
5.
Play It Backwards
a.
Biden – Mitch is a guy who respects the elderly
and I have reverence for that since his QBs and I are the same age. I can (barely) remember drafting Brees in my
first ever fantasy league in 1974 when scoring was done on my abacus using the
Monday sports section. Unfortunately his
fantasy management acumen doesn’t seem to translate into his high school
offense efficiency. This is why I’m
proposing that resources be redistributed even among the area high schools so
that programs like his Indians can go toe-to-toe with elite institutions around
the metro.
b.
Trump – Wait, Indians!?!? The PC police are coming for that one
Mitch. Many people are saying that Mitch
is a left-wing, union man and may be the worst deal maker of the league. I’m not saying it but I’ve heard many people
say it. He traded CMC and Mixon for
Antonio Brown. Is that not the dumbest
trade you’ve ever heard of? Then he gave
away Watson for a 3rd. I
would never make deals like that. Just
like how I got China to pay for the border wall. If Thomas and Adams are injured for any
longer, we’re going to find out his team is garbage. If his team were any shallower, I’d pay $130K
to hook up with it.
6.
Rollin 4 Deep
a.
Biden – Finken is a prime example of what’s
wrong with this league. He’s done all
the right things. He plays it safe when
he should play it safe. He maintains a
consistent plan. Then, the one time he
takes a chance in order to play with the “haves”, everything falls apart. It was the right move and he just got unlucky
and now the whole league has to pay by continually hearing about Lazer’s
draft. If elected, I’ll ratify Bernie’s
proposal that we retroactively give back his draft picks in order to
redistribute the wealth in a more equitable way.
b.
Trump – Everyone thought Finken was going to be
great this year but I knew it all along.
His team is terrible. He is a
fraud. He puts on this nice guy act but
I see right thru him. Nice doesn’t get
anything done. He’s weak and takes no
chances. Quite frankly he deserves these
losses. He gave away his assets to the
poor and now the poor are invading the elite.
He’s a disgrace to the league…to his family! Let me tell ya…he’s a disgrace to this
country and I want him out.
7.
Off Suit 10s
a.
Biden – This is a team that is the epitome of
why we need Wall St reform. Kyle has
recklessly traded away all his assets with no regulation, no governing body to
stop him from this madness. And then the
bubble bursts with McCaffrey’s ankle and he’s now left in shambles needing a
bailout. Well folks, I’m here to tell
you, there will be no bailout. Not on my
watch. We need to reign in these
speculators and hucksters from our markets and get back on a level playing
field.
b.
Trump – Kyle is my kind of guy. He’s a deal maker on par with myself and will
sell anything to make a nickel. He attended
my ivy league-esque university to learn to sell steak knives to cut my
world-renown steaks and RVs in order canvas this great nation to stay at my
hotels. We need to protect his
entrepreneurial spirit. Just like my
father giving me hundreds of millions of dollars, Kyle was gifted CMC in order
to build an empire. And just like me, he
took that gift and destroyed everything and is now on the verge of financial
collapse. Thanks Obama.
8.
I’m Out
a.
Biden – Abel is a manager that has been
systemically disenfranchised throughout the years that there’s almost no way
for him to pull himself up. His
community has failed him in educating him how to properly use the waiver wire
and allocate his FAAB budget during the season.
We need systems in place to make sure this doesn’t happen and that
people such as Abel can be functioning members of this league. As rising tide lifts all boats and we must be
there for Abel in his times of need, which is I guess all the time.
b.
Trump – Abel’s a loser. Plain and simple. You know it.
I know it. The American people
know it. I don’t have time for
losers. #MAGA
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