Season 8 - Week 6

 Week 6 is in the books and we are really no closer to sorting out the contenders from the pretenders.  We just have to accept that there’s no great teams this year and really only one bad team, which we’ll get to later.  After weeks of defenses faltering, Week 6 was unusually low scoring compared to previous weeks.  Most teams barely got near 150 and we had our first sub-100 from our worst team, which once again, we’ll get to later.  We’ll see if this was a one-time thing, much like the average encounter with Carol South, or if it was injuries and defenses finally catching up with the COVID season. 

We do know one thing though, and that is that we’re about to cross the “official season” barrier this coming weekend.  And while it hasn’t always been pretty, the NFL will continue to value the almighty dollar above all else and push these games thru no matter how many players may be out.  Because there’s always a slew of meatheads who are ready to get their brains damaged on live TV.  And now, on with the rankings…

1.       Smells Low – Everyone has been dogging on Riley going back to last year’s surprising title game run. They were saying there’s no way he could sniff a repeat in 2020 or continue to nose ahead of the competition.  But folks we’re here to say that thru 6 weeks, Riley sits atop the standings in record, points and nasal cavity square footage.  Wilson and Wentz along with the Jones Bros at RB have carried him so far.  And he’s solved his TE conundrum after rejecting 73 trade offers by just waiting until Kittle got healthy.  Hopefully Kittle has sent some get healthy vibes to Riley, who will hopefully avoid any more trips to the ER for the remainder of the season.  Don’t you go dying on us Riles! 

You be careful Riley, you actually have something to live for now.

2.       I’m Out – Abel is proving that his run this year is no mirage and he is determined to pop his playoffs cherry.  Fortuitously things fell just right for him in Week 6.  Most of his key pieces were on bye but as luck would have it, he was playing the worst team in the league, which I promise we’ll get to later.  Henry put Abel’s roster on his back and basically single-handedly carried him to victory.  He’ll have to figure something out at TE this week with Goedert on IR and Andrews and Rudolph on bye.  If only there was a place where there was a bunch of players that weren’t claimed on anyone’s team.  Anyone have any ideas on how to help Abel solve this crisis? 

Abel was finally found the waiver wire.

3.       Fuck It Three – Garrett has made 3 terrible mistakes in his life.  One is dating a bible-beating prude through all four years of college.  Oh the frat parties he could have enjoyed.  The other two involve the 2020 season.  First in Week 4, he left Mixon on his bench who put up a 40 spot.  He proceeded to lose that week to a really bad team we’ll get to later.  Then in Week 6, he left his stud rookie Jefferson on the bench for some reason who posted another 40 spot.  This resulted in another loss to R4D.  Now, we can’t speak to his first mistake but had he made the logical play in each of these situations, he’d be 5-1 and have a commanding points lead.  But who are we to tell South which card to play.  That’s Lazer’s job.

South picking checking his flex scoring this year.

4.       Play It Backwards – Mitch and Seth had a tight matchup going into the MNF finale.  Seth had Nuke and Amari going, Mitch had Kyler and amazingly both AZ RBs going.  This was probably because the Saints were on bye and they comprise the rest of his roster.  Nuke didn’t do much but Amari had a solid game capped by a late TD to give Seth a 7 point lead.  The Cardinals had the game in hand and really all they had to do was kneel the ball to close the game out and Seth walks away victorious.  But no, Kool-guy Kliff sends his offense back out there to get a first down and really put it away.  By then the Cowboys D, who are worse than the worst team in our league (which I swear we’ll get to later), had quit and allowed Drake to scamper for a 69 (nice) yard TD, snatching victory away from Seth.  Surprising reports out of southern IA/northern MO were that Mitch actually stayed up to watch the end of said game instead of falling asleep at 8pm. Reached for comment, the rest of his card-playing friends were shocked.

What?!?!? Mitch fell asleep during game night?!?!

5.       Ah It’s Early – As mentioned above, we’re not going to punish Seth too much for a matchup he had won until the very end of the last game.  We’ll leave that up to Chris’s sister, her ball gag and her strap on.

Since this is a family site, the gif chosen for this joke cannot be shown publicly.

6.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken was lucky to escape this one against South with a victory since Rodgers, Evans and Gesicki laid gigantic turds equivalent to the worst team in the league, which we’re almost ready to tackle.  Luckily Julio and Matty Ice were playing the Vikings secondary, which is about as soft as Seth pre-weight loss challenge.  R4D gets a cushy matchup this week against post-Dak Seth but 6^th is the best rating we can give him since the only team he’s outscored overall this season is the worst team in the league (we’re almost there!).

Finken's inevitable collapse is still coming...

7.       If We’re Using Logic – Chris started the year off 2-0 basically needing a change of underwear every time he opened the Yahoo Fantasy app.  However, his wet dream start has come crashing back down to Earth faster than the worst team in the league that we’re only one spot away from.  Lazer’s lost 4 in a row and that’s been with CEH and Hunt getting the majority of the workload.  Very shortly that will change with Bell coming to KC and Chubb healing off the IR.  He thought Mattison might be the answer with Cook hurt but that ended about as well as Finken’s 2019 push for the playoffs.  He could’ve beaten Riley this week despite all of that had he chosen the other TE he stole from Riley at the draft instead of the other TE he stole from Riley at the draft.  On the bright side, if Chris holds this position, he’ll be able to experience “The Best Draft Ever In The History Of All Drafts Ever:  Part Deux” in Vegas next summer.

All of us having to hear about Lazer's draft again.

1.       Off Suit 10s – Somehow he has 3 wins but Kyle’s team is bad.  Like really bad.  Full stop.  

Season 8 - Week 5

Week 5 is in the books and, while we don’t have a ton of time for a full rankings post, we figured it’d be best to check in after our disastrous CNK Presidential debate two weeks ago.  It’s been an interesting few weeks in our dynasty league.  We had our first COVID breakouts which caused numerous games to get moved or delayed resulting in unexpected bye weeks and player quarantines.  But we did get a few weeks of double-headers on MNF and even a Tuesday game so not all is bad. 

But let’s bring it back closer to home.  South and Lazer were on top of the world but that changed quickly and both are now on losing streaks.  Lehman and Abel looked destined for the #1 seed matchup but now have won 2 straight.  Riley has nosed ahead of everyone in points and sits atop the leaderboard currently.  However, everyone’s still in it as all the records are either 3-2 or 2-3 with only 80 points separating the highest and lowest scores.  Hell, even Abel finally used $10 of FAAB on Frank Gore.  We still have a long ways to go but it seems like we'll get a full season in one way or another.  But what that could look like by season's end is anyone's guess.

We expect the rest of the season to go swimmingly tho...

And now, on with the rankings…

1.       Smells Low – Riley's bathing in fantasy knowledge non-stop while injured and quarantining has really paid off.  

2.       Fuck It Three – South had gotten bored dominating us each year (except Chris) so he's decided to let us back in it and make it interesting.  Then he'll turn his mind to...

3.       I’m Out – Abel is a true contender...

4.       Off Suit 10s – Nobody expected Kyle's team to be any good and it still probably won't be once CMC comes back but here we are.

5.       If We’re Using Logic – After the draft, Chris was like the excited Grandma talking about her grandkids soccer team...

But now that injuries and bye weeks have begun, it's more like...

6.       Ah It’s Early – Now that Dak is hurt and Lockett and Amari have been overtaken, we're about to catch Seth's team going full tank.

7.       Play It Backwards – Mitch planned to be at the top of the standings by now but we're starting to question his so-called fantasy prowess.

8.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken when one of his starters gets hurt in the 1st quarter every single week...

Season 8 - Week 3

Week 3 is in the books and in the spirit of the Presidential debate (if you can call it that) the other night, we here at the rankings figured we could ask the candidates to debate each of our teams.  The candidates will be given 2 minutes of uninterrupted time by muzzling the other candidate.  Let’s see what each candidate has to say…

1.       Fuck It Three

a.       Biden – I’m just so impressed with what Garrett’s done with this roster.  It’s just remarkable that in this country, we have a team who can finish in dead freaking last in the first season and then make a playoff run every year since.  Yes, there’s been ups and downs, especially against Lansink.   And I cannot condone the actions of some of his players, mainly the rapist and abusers like Tyreeeek, Mixon and Big Ben, they represent a good portion of my opponent’s base of voters.  We need to steer our country in the other direction, which is why I’m asking for your vote.

b.       Trump – I always knew Garrett had the best team, they’re my kind of guys.  Minshew and his mustache, that redneck Kelce, some other guys.  Even when he was last, only I knew he would go on to do great things.  People are saying things just work out for him and I like that because he’s a winner.  I also like that he has a lot of money and doesn’t mess around with smelly kids.  His suburban lifestyle in the liberal shithole city of Minneapolis is what I’m trying to save from the dregs of the inner city violence and low income housing.  We should build a wall around the suburbs!

2.       If We’re Using Logic

a.       Biden – Here’s a team that consistently produces results albeit on the backs of others.  Whether it be Lehman dropping his best players for Chris to grab or Finken falling apart when Lazer has all his draft capital.  He never negotiates in good faith, always taking advantage of others.  He’s the type of guy that says, “What can YOU do for ME?”  This divisive rhetoric is what we need to eliminate in this country.  And it’s why I’ll stand up to bullies like this if elected. 

b.       Trump – As a fellow developer and slum lord, I identify with Chris.  His properties aren’t as good as mine and he spends most of his time helping kids, which is just gross.  But he’s got my kind of attitude.  Like me, he’s smarter than everyone else and lets them know it.  No one knows more about fantasy than Chris except me.  The other crooked managers are just out to get him along with the fake media of the power rankings.  He’s almost as adept as me at the Art of the Deal by evidence of his trading tactics.  And just like me, he’ll stay at the top of the league until he says it’s time to leave.  Spoiler alert, he and I are never leaving.

3.       Smells Low

a.       Biden – Just like myself overcoming my lisp as I first got into public office, Riley has had to fight thru the stigma of his giant honking nose to gain the respect of his peers.  He’s the youngest and poorest of his peers but he’s now shown he belongs after coming in 2^nd miraculously last year and contending again this year.  It’s this kind of bootstrap mentality that makes me proud to be an American.

b.       Trump – Just like me, Riley has hot chicks lined up at his door waiting for him to grab their pussies.  Except they ask him to sign the NDA so none of them have to admit what they’ve done.  The only player I like on his squad is Kittle since he’s a loud, obnoxious, probably racist Iowa player.  But Riley spends most of his hippying around in those liberal hellholes out west playing farmhand.  If you don’t own land, you’re not to be trusted.  If it wasn’t for the fact that Riley pays even less in taxes than me, I’d say he’s the biggest loser in the league. 

4.       Ah It’s Early

a.       Biden – I respect Seth because he’s a blue collar guy and has built a blue collar team.  All he wants in life is to do his work, drink Busch Light, have his QBs light up the scoreboard and then go home and light up the bedroom.  He’s an honest man doing a not-so-honest man’s sister.  And I commend him for sticking it to the man, over and over and over…

b.       Trump – I respect Seth for two reasons, none of which are related to football because while his QBs are good, his team is trash.  He can’t make the playoffs finishing 5^th each year and that makes him a loser.  But first, Seth is banging one of his opponent’s sister which exerts his dominance like a wild animal and I like that.  Next, I think Seth could be “hair” apparent to my hair style.  As his patch thins out up front, I’ll teach him how to grow the remainder out, wisp it up and style it for an annual cost of only $70,000.  Once he’s got that down, he’ll be irresistible like I am and he can go after the other Lansink sisters.  

5.       Play It Backwards

a.       Biden – Mitch is a guy who respects the elderly and I have reverence for that since his QBs and I are the same age.  I can (barely) remember drafting Brees in my first ever fantasy league in 1974 when scoring was done on my abacus using the Monday sports section.  Unfortunately his fantasy management acumen doesn’t seem to translate into his high school offense efficiency.  This is why I’m proposing that resources be redistributed even among the area high schools so that programs like his Indians can go toe-to-toe with elite institutions around the metro.

b.       Trump – Wait, Indians!?!?  The PC police are coming for that one Mitch.  Many people are saying that Mitch is a left-wing, union man and may be the worst deal maker of the league.  I’m not saying it but I’ve heard many people say it.  He traded CMC and Mixon for Antonio Brown.  Is that not the dumbest trade you’ve ever heard of?  Then he gave away Watson for a 3^rd.  I would never make deals like that.  Just like how I got China to pay for the border wall.  If Thomas and Adams are injured for any longer, we’re going to find out his team is garbage.  If his team were any shallower, I’d pay $130K to hook up with it. 

6.       Rollin 4 Deep

a.       Biden – Finken is a prime example of what’s wrong with this league.  He’s done all the right things.  He plays it safe when he should play it safe.  He maintains a consistent plan.  Then, the one time he takes a chance in order to play with the “haves”, everything falls apart.  It was the right move and he just got unlucky and now the whole league has to pay by continually hearing about Lazer’s draft.  If elected, I’ll ratify Bernie’s proposal that we retroactively give back his draft picks in order to redistribute the wealth in a more equitable way. 

b.       Trump – Everyone thought Finken was going to be great this year but I knew it all along.  His team is terrible.  He is a fraud.  He puts on this nice guy act but I see right thru him.  Nice doesn’t get anything done.  He’s weak and takes no chances.  Quite frankly he deserves these losses.  He gave away his assets to the poor and now the poor are invading the elite.  He’s a disgrace to the league…to his family!  Let me tell ya…he’s a disgrace to this country and I want him out.

7.       Off Suit 10s

a.       Biden – This is a team that is the epitome of why we need Wall St reform.  Kyle has recklessly traded away all his assets with no regulation, no governing body to stop him from this madness.  And then the bubble bursts with McCaffrey’s ankle and he’s now left in shambles needing a bailout.  Well folks, I’m here to tell you, there will be no bailout.  Not on my watch.  We need to reign in these speculators and hucksters from our markets and get back on a level playing field. 

b.       Trump – Kyle is my kind of guy.  He’s a deal maker on par with myself and will sell anything to make a nickel.  He attended my ivy league-esque university to learn to sell steak knives to cut my world-renown steaks and RVs in order canvas this great nation to stay at my hotels.  We need to protect his entrepreneurial spirit.  Just like my father giving me hundreds of millions of dollars, Kyle was gifted CMC in order to build an empire.  And just like me, he took that gift and destroyed everything and is now on the verge of financial collapse.  Thanks Obama.

8.       I’m Out

a.       Biden – Abel is a manager that has been systemically disenfranchised throughout the years that there’s almost no way for him to pull himself up.  His community has failed him in educating him how to properly use the waiver wire and allocate his FAAB budget during the season.  We need systems in place to make sure this doesn’t happen and that people such as Abel can be functioning members of this league.  As rising tide lifts all boats and we must be there for Abel in his times of need, which is I guess all the time.

b.       Trump – Abel’s a loser.  Plain and simple.  You know it.  I know it.  The American people know it.  I don’t have time for losers.  #MAGA