Season 8 - Week 6

 Week 6 is in the books and we are really no closer to sorting out the contenders from the pretenders.  We just have to accept that there’s no great teams this year and really only one bad team, which we’ll get to later.  After weeks of defenses faltering, Week 6 was unusually low scoring compared to previous weeks.  Most teams barely got near 150 and we had our first sub-100 from our worst team, which once again, we’ll get to later.  We’ll see if this was a one-time thing, much like the average encounter with Carol South, or if it was injuries and defenses finally catching up with the COVID season. 

We do know one thing though, and that is that we’re about to cross the “official season” barrier this coming weekend.  And while it hasn’t always been pretty, the NFL will continue to value the almighty dollar above all else and push these games thru no matter how many players may be out.  Because there’s always a slew of meatheads who are ready to get their brains damaged on live TV.  And now, on with the rankings…

1.       Smells Low – Everyone has been dogging on Riley going back to last year’s surprising title game run. They were saying there’s no way he could sniff a repeat in 2020 or continue to nose ahead of the competition.  But folks we’re here to say that thru 6 weeks, Riley sits atop the standings in record, points and nasal cavity square footage.  Wilson and Wentz along with the Jones Bros at RB have carried him so far.  And he’s solved his TE conundrum after rejecting 73 trade offers by just waiting until Kittle got healthy.  Hopefully Kittle has sent some get healthy vibes to Riley, who will hopefully avoid any more trips to the ER for the remainder of the season.  Don’t you go dying on us Riles! 

You be careful Riley, you actually have something to live for now.

2.       I’m Out – Abel is proving that his run this year is no mirage and he is determined to pop his playoffs cherry.  Fortuitously things fell just right for him in Week 6.  Most of his key pieces were on bye but as luck would have it, he was playing the worst team in the league, which I promise we’ll get to later.  Henry put Abel’s roster on his back and basically single-handedly carried him to victory.  He’ll have to figure something out at TE this week with Goedert on IR and Andrews and Rudolph on bye.  If only there was a place where there was a bunch of players that weren’t claimed on anyone’s team.  Anyone have any ideas on how to help Abel solve this crisis? 

Abel was finally found the waiver wire.

3.       Fuck It Three – Garrett has made 3 terrible mistakes in his life.  One is dating a bible-beating prude through all four years of college.  Oh the frat parties he could have enjoyed.  The other two involve the 2020 season.  First in Week 4, he left Mixon on his bench who put up a 40 spot.  He proceeded to lose that week to a really bad team we’ll get to later.  Then in Week 6, he left his stud rookie Jefferson on the bench for some reason who posted another 40 spot.  This resulted in another loss to R4D.  Now, we can’t speak to his first mistake but had he made the logical play in each of these situations, he’d be 5-1 and have a commanding points lead.  But who are we to tell South which card to play.  That’s Lazer’s job.

South picking checking his flex scoring this year.

4.       Play It Backwards – Mitch and Seth had a tight matchup going into the MNF finale.  Seth had Nuke and Amari going, Mitch had Kyler and amazingly both AZ RBs going.  This was probably because the Saints were on bye and they comprise the rest of his roster.  Nuke didn’t do much but Amari had a solid game capped by a late TD to give Seth a 7 point lead.  The Cardinals had the game in hand and really all they had to do was kneel the ball to close the game out and Seth walks away victorious.  But no, Kool-guy Kliff sends his offense back out there to get a first down and really put it away.  By then the Cowboys D, who are worse than the worst team in our league (which I swear we’ll get to later), had quit and allowed Drake to scamper for a 69 (nice) yard TD, snatching victory away from Seth.  Surprising reports out of southern IA/northern MO were that Mitch actually stayed up to watch the end of said game instead of falling asleep at 8pm. Reached for comment, the rest of his card-playing friends were shocked.

What?!?!? Mitch fell asleep during game night?!?!

5.       Ah It’s Early – As mentioned above, we’re not going to punish Seth too much for a matchup he had won until the very end of the last game.  We’ll leave that up to Chris’s sister, her ball gag and her strap on.

Since this is a family site, the gif chosen for this joke cannot be shown publicly.

6.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken was lucky to escape this one against South with a victory since Rodgers, Evans and Gesicki laid gigantic turds equivalent to the worst team in the league, which we’re almost ready to tackle.  Luckily Julio and Matty Ice were playing the Vikings secondary, which is about as soft as Seth pre-weight loss challenge.  R4D gets a cushy matchup this week against post-Dak Seth but 6^th is the best rating we can give him since the only team he’s outscored overall this season is the worst team in the league (we’re almost there!).

Finken's inevitable collapse is still coming...

7.       If We’re Using Logic – Chris started the year off 2-0 basically needing a change of underwear every time he opened the Yahoo Fantasy app.  However, his wet dream start has come crashing back down to Earth faster than the worst team in the league that we’re only one spot away from.  Lazer’s lost 4 in a row and that’s been with CEH and Hunt getting the majority of the workload.  Very shortly that will change with Bell coming to KC and Chubb healing off the IR.  He thought Mattison might be the answer with Cook hurt but that ended about as well as Finken’s 2019 push for the playoffs.  He could’ve beaten Riley this week despite all of that had he chosen the other TE he stole from Riley at the draft instead of the other TE he stole from Riley at the draft.  On the bright side, if Chris holds this position, he’ll be able to experience “The Best Draft Ever In The History Of All Drafts Ever:  Part Deux” in Vegas next summer.

All of us having to hear about Lazer's draft again.

1.       Off Suit 10s – Somehow he has 3 wins but Kyle’s team is bad.  Like really bad.  Full stop.