Season 8 - Week 11

Week 11 is in the books and we are now entering the home stretch.  With only 3 games left, we are reminded how fleeting football season really is, as it will soon be once again gone from our lives.  So now, let us take some time to give thanks to not only our circle of friends.  But also to the NFL, who’s blatant disregard for human life fills our Sundays (and Monday nights…and Thursday nights…and soon Saturday nights) so that our cup runeth over. 

As mentioned, there are only 3 weeks left and really everyone except Seth is still in it for the playoff picture.  Even Lazer has the points and the easy schedule to backdoor in.  We have a potential title game preview this week between South and Mitch and toilet bowl game between Lehman and Seth.  There’s a little something for everyone. 

Let’s also take a brief gander at our other leagues and be thankful for the bounty they bring us as well.  Your humble moderators have stopped paying attention to the best ball league as that is dumb and unfair and no one cares about how that is going.  

Good job Seth and Abel, no one cares...

Let’s spend all our energy enjoying the double team league.  Since it was Chris’s idea, we’re sure that meant he really planned and strategized to dominate the league.  Let’s check in on how that’s going...

It’s actually pretty interesting.  Finken and Mitch have the top two teams in each division, South has both 3^rds, Seth and Kyle are fighting for the playoffs in each and Chris is in DFL all around.  They say the cream usually rises to the top, and we feel this could be used as hard, clinical proof much like Trump’s voter fraud claims.  We would also be remiss if we didn’t mention on several occasions, Lazer has put forth incomplete starting rosters.  Now we never laid out a formal punishment for such a thing in this league but top brass at the Power Rankings has suggested covering everyone's door fee at the first (of many...like a lot) gentlemen’s club visits we make in Vegas.

 But for now, on with the power rankings...

1. Fuck It Three – Garrett is sitting in the catbird seat and can lock up his playoff spot this weekend by knocking off PIB.  South has much to be thankful for, mainly that Annie is comfortable being stuck living with a grown ass child thru this quarantine.  But also that everyone declined his trade offers for Dalvin Cook throughout the first half of the season.  He’d probably still be a playoff team without the #2 ranked RB on the season, but not the prohibitive favorite as he is now.  With solid depth all around especially with Chubb back in his RB spot, Annie will be wondering why he doesn't bring more chubb to their BD spot.  

2. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken was thankful to escape being a heavy underdog to Mitch and come away victorious last week.  But his gratitude and true key to success this season after losing Barkley in Week 2 should be aimed at the Chargers team doctor for puncturing Tyrod’s lung and inserting Herbert into his starting lineup for the next decade.  Without that and a resurgent Rodgers, he’d be needing his favorite psychedelic in order to see himself in the playoff hunt.    

Wait, Finken misplayed again during BGA night...I wonder why?

3. Play It Backwards – After Mitch’s Thanksgiving feast and one of his patented card-night style naps, Mitch will reflect on how thankful he is that most of his recent draft picks have panned out to put him in this position.  Murray as a QB and RB 1 along with Kamara, Sanders and Gibson make a formidable lineup.  But then you sprinkle in some dubious trading to get Devante Adams and that’s just the cherry on the pumpkin pie.  And now that his own Indians football season is over, he can turn his attention towards caring for all of Heidi’s low-cost and low-maintenance pets.

Honey...I think we need to start building a stable....

4. I’m Out – Abel’s thanks goes out to everyone in this league for showing the latitude and patience it’s taken for him to finally build a winner in Year 8.  We all know it wasn’t done thru quick trading...or the waiver wire to be honest.  It seems like everyone has had a hand in helping Abel get where he is today between South giving him a ton of draft capital for Chubb, him giving that to Lazer for Henry and ODBag and Seth giving him Keenan Allen for...something.  But with his core guys, Metcalf and Claypool primed to be top WRs for a decade and 2 firsts next year, Abel could be getting comfortable in the top half of the standings, which is an unusual feeling for him…or his Vikings…or his Gophers.

5. Smells Low – Riley has a lot to be thankful for and most of it doesn’t have to do with football since his team’s fallen apart.  He should be thankful for Russ’s cookin’ but that will only get him so far.  He’s thankful that unlike most of his other key players, he hasn’t had to visit the ER in the past few weeks.  And his proclivity to recent injury begs the question, if he’s so opposed to harming his body with drugs and alcohol, why is he so willing to expose it to constant battery, broken limbs and endless exposure to STDs. 

Riley may have all of these by the time we hit Vegas next summer.

6. If We’re Using Logic – We should all be thankful that Chris allowed us to witness the most perfect draft.  He showed us all how to tear it down, accumulate assets, maneuver on draft day and get the best players.  And now that it hasn’t worked out as he planned, he’ll get to show us all over again.  With his lack of commissioning or even participating in his double-team league, we can only assume his sole focus has been on figuring out how to acquire all eight 1^st round picks.  That way he won’t miss on all of his picks as he’s known to do.  That is, if he survives his bout with COVID at his high-risk age. 

Don't follow his example Chris, we need you for card night.

7. Off Suit 10s – Within the framework of the league, Kyle doesn’t have a lot to be thankful for.  He’s the front runner to spring for all our meals at the dirtiest buffet in Vegas.  Most of his solid assets are aging and he’s got no draft capital until...(checking notes)...2025.  But outside of the CNK, Kyle’s got plenty to be thankful for.  Mortgage rates are as low as ever meaning all kinds of people are refinancing and pulling equity out allowing Lehman to sell them a whole plethora of RVs and steak knife sets with the proceeds. 

Lehman will put you in the motorhome of your dreams.

8. Ah It’s Early – We all know what Seth is thankful for and we here at the Power Rankings are thankful for it as well.  He enjoys showing his thanks over and over and over and over again…

Season 8 - Week 9

 Week 9 is in the books and it’s been a while since we had ourselves a good, ole-fashion power rankings.  The nation has now cleansed itself of Trump and you’d think that we used this break to drum up some new material and come with some fresh content after our break.  But you’d be wrong.  It’s still the same old format with the same old stale jokes.  You get what you pay for and sadly for all of you, we can’t be ousted from office. 

What?!?!  We've made it thru most of the season without much of a problem?!?!

Well we have ourselves an official season.  We are 9 weeks in meaning there’s with only 5 left and rarely have we seen so much parity.  Six teams are tied at 5-4 and most are within a reasonable amount of points of each other, except Kyle.  But there’s clearly two tiers within this tie for first.  South and Mitch have clearly separated themselves at this point and it’d be a shock if anyone else occupied the top seeds when all is said and done.  As for the final two playoff spots, it wouldn’t surprise us at all to see just about any make it.  Even Chris and Seth could easily make up ground. 

But we won’t get ahead of ourselves at this point, still lots of time for anything to happen.  And now, on with the rankings…

Time for the rankings, smoke'em if you got'em...

1. Fuck It Three – After toying with us for a few weeks and seeming to fall apart after 4 straight losses, Garrett is right back where he was meant to be.  FIT’s been on quite the roll the past 2 weeks, posting 210+ and dominating his opponents like he dominated dudes in spandex in college.  His whole lineup has been solid, especially Cook who has run roughshod over the league like an Indianola RB getting 60 carries a game.  It’s good to see South is learning from his mistakes because based on his decisions earlier in the season, he usually would have left that kind of effort from Cook on the bench. 

Southy's finally got this fantasy thing figured out.

2. Play It Backwards – This one had to hurt.  Mitch was rolling after 4 straight wins and felt pretty good after Adams put up 33 on Thursday night.  However, McCaffrey was back for Kyle to be ran into the ground against him.  And if there’s one thing Mitch recognizes the value of, it’s riding an under-sized white kid into the ground.  Still, Mitch had the chance to cruise to victory but he chose the wrong QB in the Saints-Bucs game and paid the ultimate price.  He still looks to be one of the prohibitive favorites going forward now that AB found a landing spot, Miles and Thomas are getting healthy, and Dobbins is getting a bigger workload.  The only thing that could stop Mitch now is running into running into Valley or Dowling in the playoffs.

3. Smells Low – Riley was among the favorites for the playoff run prior to this week but things were getting dicey as the injury bug started to bite.  And then he went out and posted an inexcusable loss to Seth.  Ekeler, Godwin and Jones are still banged up and Kittle could be done for the year.  Unlike his nasal cavities, we wouldn’t exactly call his team deep so we’ll have to see how the next few weeks go.  Russ is going to have to do his best Gordon Ramsey impression and keep cookin’ if Riley has any hope of staying in contention.  But that does mean Riley is ready to hear all your trade offers again so make sure you send him at least 4 per day.  

Riley looking thru the barrage of terrible trade offers he's about to get.

4. Rollin’ 4 Deep – After getting swept on the season by Abel, Finken eeked out a close one against Lazer this weekend despite all his disappointing RBs posting single digits.  He needed this victory in order to stay in playoff contention as well as avoiding handing Chris another top 3 pick.  He’ll have to navigate some tough byes this week without Zeke or Julio against Lehman, although benching Zeke might be necessary at this point.  Fortunately for R4D, he’s not the current top seed so Kyle’s dumpster fire probably won’t spread to House Finken. 

Anything will be better than what Nebraska's shown so far this year.

5. I’m Out – Despite having the 3^rd lowest point total and facing the most points on the year, Abel remains right in the hunt for the playoffs.  Checking the archives of the PRs, never before has Abel been this high in the rankings this late in the season (probably, we didn’t actually look).  He didn’t have a chance against South this weekend but needs to beat Seth this coming weekend if he wants to keep pace.  He’s the early favorite for the win but Seth is no stranger to coming from behind....in weight loss challenges.  Geez people...

6. Off Suit 10s – So the worst team in the league is now openly admitting to starting an inferior lineup just so he can watch his crappy players on TV.  We’d normally intimate that’s not in the spirit of the integrity of the league and that he’s openingly tanking for draft spot.  However, since Kyle has no draft capital, we’re going to let it slide.  But if something fishy happens with that 6^th round pick of his, we’re calling BS.  Kyle finally scored over 150 (first time in 4 weeks) and took an easy $5 off Chris betting on CMC.  We can’t wait to get a text late some evening showing the McGangbangs Kyle bought with Chris’s money. 

Kyle rolling around in Chris's money.

7. It We’re Using Logic – Chris put up his usual 155 (almost exactly 3 of the last 4 weeks) but it wasn’t enough against Finken and now he’s lost 6 of the last 7.  Not exactly what Chris had in mind after the offseason of a lifetime.  And let the record show that the only team he’s beat in that span was Kyle, who has been reported to be the worst team in the league.  His rookies have been about as disappointing as Brian Ferentz’s head coaching prospects.  And now he gets a matchup with South, who’s scoring more than Seth does with his sister. 

Much like this clip, Chris's season has not gone as expected. 

8. Ah It’s Early – Seth’s doing everything he can to tank but Mahomes and Riley just wouldn’t let that happen. 

Mahomes is so good, he won't even let Seth lose.