Gentlemen, football is back! Which also means our beloved Card Night Kangs are back for our 9th season to fill that empty space in our lives that should be filled with family, joy and all things wholesome. Those things can wait until next March. With COVID 100% eradicated and behind us (if it ever existed in the first place), we move on with our lives and just enjoy a bunch of barbarians smashing into each other for our entertainment.
There are so many storylines going into the season so let’s take a look at just a couple. Finken is our reigning champion for the second time after a miraculous playoff run with Tony Pollard, JD McKissic and Jeff Wilson. South dominated last year’s regular season and is the heavy favorite to be let down by his team in the playoffs as usual. Abel and Seth both reshaped their rosters in the offseason adding some big name talent that they hope to propel them into contention. Mitch sneakily filled a few of his roster holes and Chris had the self-proclaimed 2nd greatest draft of all time in his quest to rebuild. Nobody really knows what Riley is up to, and finally Kyle not only sold off most of his key players to start his own rebuild project, he demolished the structure and lit the rubble on fire and pissed on the ashes.
With all that, it lines up to be quite an entertaining year. So let us rejoice and cherish these 17 weeks
ahead of us because before too long, it will be over and we be left with only
sparsely attended card nights in the dead of winter. But before that, let’s take a look at the
return of the power rankings…
1.
Off Suit 10s – Everyone who set the over/under on wins for Kyle on the season
at 1.5 (ourselves included) is eating crow this week. After completely demoing his team and punting
on the 2021 draft for 2022, Kyle was expected to struggle mightily and barely
be competitive. However, he showed all
of us by storming out of the gate and upsetting Riley in Week 1. Now, is 160 about his ceiling every
week? Probably, but will he average
around 125 for the season? Most
likely. Hurts and Cory Davis look solid,
but after that, it’s hard to envision Kyle winning more than a few more games
with less potential for scoring than Abel in a strip club. So here you go Kyle, enjoy being in the top
spot while it lasts. Because it’s #1 pick
or bust.
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| Kyle sucks us all in, and then he just sucks the rest of the year. |
2.
Ah It’s Early – Seth must’ve been revisiting the pic of Garrett draped in
Cyclone silk on his bed because he blew his load all over the scarfed bandit in
Week 1, posting the 6th highest score of all time. Revenge was finally his. Seth got off to a huge start on Thursday with
the Amari-Dak stack and TB12 was able to find Gronk and Godwin like they were
the last two picked at the county hide-and-seek tournament. However, no lead is
safe with South on your ass. Seth had to
sweat out Lamar (like South sweats out mild wing night) on MNF after his new
acquisitions of Harris and Jones failed to live up to the hype. Winning Week 1 with high points no doubt
meant Seth was celebrating into Tuesday morning on those Cyclone sheets with
Chris’s sister.
 |
| Seth is coming for all of us this year. |
3.
Play It Backwards – Mitch hoped to open the season being able to translate his
recent success on the high school football field (now that he’s playing a bunch
of pee-wee programs in Class 4) to the CNK gridiron. Luckily, he was going against another coach
who barely keeps his head above water in pee-wee football. Old Balls Brady came out firing to AB on
Thursday while Kyler might have taken the next leap into Mahomes territory,
which allowed Mitch to coast to an easy victory over Lansink. He was nervous coming into the season after
losing Irv and Dobbins for the season and MT for the first stretch. Fortunately he rigged the waiver wire to grab
both sought after RBs at $33 apiece. #NeverForget$32
 |
| We call BS, this shit is rigged. |
4.
I’m Out – Abel’s rebuilt roster had a date with the champ in Week 1 and he left
no doubt in anyone’s mind that he’s a contender. They say to be the best, you’ve got the beat
the best. Well we’re not sure if that
really applies here after the sorry effort Finken trotted out there but Abel’s
here to compete in 2021. CMC was back to
his normal self, Thielen caught a few TDs, TLaw lived up to the hype (if you
don’t count the terrible picks or horrendous coaching) and Jameis was out there
eating Ws. No matter what happens,
between his performance in Vegas (which let exactly zero people down) and Week
1, this season’s already been a success for Jared.
 |
| Abel waking up every morning this week. |
5.
Fuck it Three – Well Garrett picked right back up where he left off last season
(well, before the title game at least…) and that should terrify the rest of the
league. As a reminder, he posted high
points 8 straight weeks to close the regular season. In the offseason, he bolstered his QB issue
by grabbing Stafford and two rookies after Watson was, let’s say, massaged out
of the equation. He’s got a replacement
for Kelce in Hockenson and can still roll out a deep stable of RBs. However, the one chink in his armor may be WR
if Aiyuk doesn’t live up to the hype and Samuel and Jeudy stay sidelined. The only thing that could stand in his way
for a 8th straight playoff run is going on a Skittles bender on his
7th trip to Vegas this fall and forgetting to set his lineup.
 |
| Sadly, this is probably a normal dinner for South so his tolerance is unbeatable. |
6. If We’re Using Logic – Chris had another draft that he wouldn’t shut up about as he grabbed Pitts, Chase and Lance to go with his stable of horses from last year. And let’s check on how it went for him in Week 1….
To be fair
(to be fair…), we’re all sure that
he’s currently got no less than 12 HOFers (i.e. Doug Baldwin) on his roster but
it might take another year or two before he can rattle off another 5 titles in
3 years. Plus, he’s got to actually
start the good players instead of the not good ones. There were about 9 guys who could’ve boosted
his score this week riding the pine, including all 3 of his 4th
round TEs. With Pittman in his Week 1
lineup, we can only assume that he’s tanking one more year to assure that his
first pick in the draft is in the top half of round 3. There’s a couple guys he’s already got his
eye on that probably won’t be there by pick 20.
 |
| Chris usually is 4 steps ahead. |
7.
Smells Low – Speaking of Lansink’s TEs, we come to Riley, who’s lucky this week
not to be in the bottom slot after dropping the opening game to the FCS team
you’re supposed to get your backups reps to.
Riley was happy enough with his RB depth to trade away Aaron Jones to
Seth. But now all the sudden, Mostert is
hurt (as usual), RoJo fumbled on his 3rd carry and got benched and
Zach Moss wasn’t even active on gameday.
Javonte had better live up to the hype or his flex positions are only
going to be relevant in his truck bed/camper/house/condo/apartment.
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| Riley trying to get a girl to come home with him. |
8.
Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken had 6 big-name guys score in the single digits and only
Waller on MNF kept him from posting an all-time low score in the no D/K
era. So much for defending the
title. This must be what Scott Frost
feels like on a weekly basis. Pathetic.
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