Season 9 - Week 7

Week 7 is in the books and you know what that means…yes, not only is it time for dressing in something slutty for Halloween that your wives/girlfriends/concubines won’t appreciate, but it also marks the halfway point on our 2021 CNK regular season.  Everybody has now played everyone else and we are about to embark on our 2^nd round robin.  We’ve seen a new high all-time score by Mitch and a new all-time low points by Riley of the no K/D era.  Sadly, we’ve also seen only a handful of truly competitive games as most games are decided by late Sunday afternoon.  The average winning score is 191.51 and the average losing score is 143.98.  It’d be nice if there was a little more drama going into MNF.  Come on guys, get your shit together.

But before we got into the Power Rankings, we figured we’d reflect on the season so far and hand out a few very prestigious awards.   

-         Best Rebound – This is an easy one.  Seth finished last season 2^nd lowest in points and tied for the worst record.  But now he reigns supreme at the top of our standings.  It seemed like every move he made was the right one in acquiring Lockett, Jones, Henderson and Godwin along with drafting Harris and Waddle, not to mention getting Dak back from injury.  Turns out he didn’t even need that Etienne draft pick anyway…just like the Jaguars. 

-         Worst Offseason Trade – There are several to choose from (most involving Chris, obviously) but the winner is Cooper Kupp, who is currently the 4^th highest scoring player overall, getting moved for Tarik Cohen and a draft pick swap in Kyle’s steady dumping of his good players.  It feels like a steady WR would’ve been more valuable than a satellite RB in a rebuild situation but that’s just us.

-         Best Draft Pick – There were 56 draft picks made in Vegas and there are several that stand out.  Chris had a few hits with Chase and Pitts but those were lay ups.  There were also a few mid-round picks that were great values like Mac Jones at 3.7 or Toney at 4.1.  But in our humble opinion, the best draft pick goes to the very last pick, which was Cordarrelle Patterson.  He’s currently the 8^th ranked RB AND 14^th ranked WR on the year.  Finken even dropped him at cut time and picked him back up after Week 1 for a measly $2 FAAB bid.  Without Patterson, Finken’s season might be mirroring Scott Frost’s. 

-         Most Entertaining Week – Week 5.  Mitch posted the all-time high points score during Week 5 with 247.50 and it could’ve been better as Toney went off on his bench.  That same week, Lazer posted the 5^th all-time high points with 240.60 but sadly took Mike Williams out of his lineup just before kickoff.  No big deal, he only put up 36.5 on the bench.  It’s not like 275ish would’ve been a record that could’ve stood for years…perhaps decades.  And it’s also going to cost him $10 for the highest scoring bench player on the year.

-         Best/Worst Use of FAAB – This prize goes to Mitch for both of his $33 bids on Ty’Son Williams and Tony Jones.  It was the best as it was hilarious and created lots of consternation when he was awarded Tony Jones instead of Kyle, who also bid $33.  It’s the worst because Mitch used 2/3 of his FAAB on two now worthless back-up RBs.  We’re sure he won’t need any of that FAAB as this now longer season heads into the back stretch and Mitch fully in title contention mode. 

-         Earliest surrender – We assume Riley giving up after Week 3 counts.  The sad thing is, he waited until Week 6 to post the all-time low score of the non-kicker-or-D era. 

-         Biggest Disappointment – Oh Abel, poor Abel….

Awards are fun and all but what we’re really here for is some power rankings.  And in honor of Halloween just days away, let’s look at the power rankings thru a spooky lens of what each team is afraid of. 

1. Ah It’s Early – After winning the title in 2016, Seth has been toiling in obscurity for the past 4 years.  But he’s remade his team and come back with a vengeance like Michael Myers.  His roster is stacked and deep in most spots outside of QB.  Now, he’s got 2 of the best in his starting spots but if either (or both!) go down for a significant amount of time, he could be in more trouble than a teenage babysitter in Haddenfield, IL as  Heinecke is his only other option.  Here’s hoping Dak and Pat get all of their massages at the training facilities. 

Seth just going about his business killing other teams.

2. Play It Backwards – Mitch has been riding high this year on the backs of Brady, Kupp, Kyler and his Indianola WRs.  He’s posted the 2^nd best record and the highest points thru Week 7.  So what does he have to be scared of you ask?  He’s more terrified than the only black character in a horror movie that Benjamin Button Brady continues to get younger in Tampa or PIB’s QB situation will be just as ugly as Seth’s.  Fields is looking like he’s seeing ghosts and Miami is courting a potential felon to replace Tua.  His RBs are also looking as beat up as Abel did after a night at the Rhino and the long walk to the playoffs may be harder than it is back to the Strip.

Probably about how Abel felt on that walk.

3. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken got a much needed win against Seth to keep his record at 5-2 and ahead of Lazer and South in the playoff race.  They always say that a good defense wins championships and R4D is playing great D as he has the lowest points scored against him on the year.  Finken’s biggest fear lurking in a dark basement is his RB depth.  You can only hitch your wagon to a 30 year-old gadget player on his 5^th team for so long.  This should make Finken more nervous than a narcoleptic living on Elm St.  He may be next in line to overpay Riley or Kyle for a very average RB. 

And just like that, Finken's team could disappear from contention.

4. If We’re Using Logic – Chris’s team has really rounded into shape as a result of his Best Drafts Ever™.  After a slow start, his collection of young players have really taken off and could easily boost him into title contention.  However, most of his starters are closer in age to Brodie than himself.  The thing he needs to be more scared of than Frankenstein seeing fire for the first time is that these young whipper-snappers will start to rebel against the aging coach and tune him out.  Old Man Lazer doesn’t connect with the young’uns these days with their hip-hop music, dreadlocks and Tik-Tok videos.  He needs to make sure with his young team he doesn’t get them wet or feed them after midnight or else he’ll have a real mess on his hands. 

Chris's team is putting it together but can it function without a brain?

5. Fuck It Three – After a crazy run of success last year (until the title game J), South’s season hasn’t gone as planned and is barely on the edge of contention at this point.  But what he’s scared of is that the league is ganging up against him.  He’s scored the 2^nd most points but has had BY FAR the most points scored against him resulting in a 3-4 record.  It’s like everyone knows they need a good game to beat South so they use all their mental strength to put together a complete week against him.  Even acquiring Montgomery hasn’t helped solve his depth issues.  Maybe…just maybe, something won’t just work out for South.  However, the rest of the league may need to be more scared than a vampire at a garlic festival as he was 3-4 at this exact time a year ago. 

Will South rise from the dead like last year?

6. Smells Low – Obviously sinusitis, nasal polyps and allergies but let’s dig deeper than that.  Riley lost his first 3 matchups and threw in the Kleenex box.  After unloading Godwin, Jones and Montgomery, he’s loading up on draft capital in the next 2 years to try and equal the drafting excellence that Lazer has blueprinted recently.  But what’s scary for Riley is actually what’s scary for all of us.  If Riley hits low points and has to buy dinner, we won’t be treated to the best steak on the Vegas strip.  And that should make us all more frightened than teen campers on Friday the 13^th at Camp Crystal Lake.  We’ll all have to pool our Casey’s rewards and hijack one of Seth’s old beer trucks if we have any hope of getting a free meal at the 2022 draft. 

And with a snap of his fingers, Riley made his title hopes vanish.

7. Off Suit 10s – This season, nothing should scare Kyle.  He came into the year with his eyes wide open on what the potential was.  He knew he’d have one of the worst teams and is still trying to get worse as we speak.  And it’s playing out according to plan as he sits with the lowest points.  However, he’s snuck up and won 2 games already and is dangerously close to not making the #1 pick bowl at the end of the year.  Luckily for him, one of his other 1^st rounders is Abel’s so the king’s ransom he got for CMC might help him displace Chris’s Best Draft Ever™ in 2025…once he’s rolled all his current draft capital a few more times. 

Kyle has prepared his butthole.

8. I’m Out – Talk about the surprise of the year.  Jared was picked by some to be the top contender right there with South going into this year after acquiring CMC.  But after knocking off Finken in Week 1, he’s rattled off 6 straight losses and is sitting in the cellar of the CNK.  While he should fear giving Kyle 2 years of high draft picks, he really should be more afraid than pre-teens in Derry, ME when they see a floating red balloon that Urban Meyer is going to ruin Trevor Lawrence when Abel could’ve drafted generational talents like Chase and Pitts.  Fortunately, Jax will surely take another RB in the 1^st round of next year draft to really prop Trevor up.  

Happy Halloween!