Week 5 is in the books for our lucky number 13th season here at the Card Night Kangs. And first we need to start with an apology. The Power Rankings have been lacking so far this year. We started to put some together a couple times since the beginning of the season but each time life, work or cat videos got in the way. So if you feel shorted or disgruntled, please see customer service and they will issue you a full refund.
We typically we start off after Week 1 welcoming in a new season, but this year we’ll belatedly usher in a new era of our beloved fake football league with Paulie joining the fold. It’s unfortunate that we had to make the move away from the Abel bye week but if initial activity holds true, Paul will hopefully be fielding a formidable squad sooner rather than later. But as the first several weeks indicate, it won’t be an overnight fix.
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| Paul looking at his starting lineup each week so far. |
We had a great draft hosted at Chateau South in MN again and everyone has really upped their game on the individual challenges. It feels like in another year or two, we’ll be either splitting the atom or just throwing rocks at each other. The draft is set for June 19-21 next summer so make sure that is on your calendars. We’re traveling to the faraway and distance land of Adel. The culture is a simple people that subsist off of their corn rations, Dollar Store trinkets and Busch Light. We’ll fit right in.
And since we’re expanding rosters and starting spots in order to make
the draft more important and trading more prevalent, I’m recommending to
committee a rule that states all draftees must maintain a blood
alcohol/weed/mushroom/whatever level of a certain amount to keep things
interesting during the actual draft. If
we’re raising the stakes, let’s really raise them. Make this like a Hangover situation and find
out who ends up asleep for two days on the roof.
But enough of all that. We’re here to chew gum and do power rankings, and we’re almost out of gum (special points if you know what movie that came from). We here at the Power Rankings will do our best to keep up on the going’s-on’s of the league business periodically throughout the season. And while it won’t be a weekly occurrence, we’ll check in regularly with bad analysis and stale, oft repeated jokes. But otherwise, on with the rankings…
1. Smells Low – After coming up just a nose short last year, Riley is
back after that sweet scent of the championship weekend again and try to claim
his first title. We, as a league, can’t allow
that happen though because if we let our trophy hang on the wall of his sex
dungeon, we may have to send it in to the CDC (if that still is a thing by
February) to be disinfected to an extent the world has never seen before. Riley lost to Chris in Week 1 but has been
unbeaten since. He sits atop our
standings at the moment as his record protrudes out further than his nose
thanks to the Sun God and Egbuka dominating week in and week out. We’ll see if he has the stamina to keep this
going the whole season. This is where
his tantric sex tricks should come in handy.
2027 winner after Riley tries to hand him the trophy.
2. If We’re Using Logic – Chris is coming off at least his 8th
title in the past 6 years and usually, someone’s gotta defeat the previous
winner before they can be dropped any further (or something like that). But Riley’s never been in this situation
before so we’re going to let him have his moment in the sun for now. Chris still has the most points on the season
but he did trip up in Week 4 to his nemesis Kyle. JT and Puka have carried him most of the year
but now Naber’s knee got gobbled up by the Jersey turf monster, CD’s all
scratched up and King Henry is starting to act Chris’s age. Lazer can’t afford too many more high profile
injuries or his chances at a repeat title will get flushed out with his
upcoming colonoscopy.
Can't say the same for all his injured players.
3. Off Suit 10s – After a few years of providing at the drafts, Kyle’s
ready to get back in the playoffs. And
the way the season has started, it looks like JSN, Bijan and his quartet of
tiny QBs may carry him there. They’ll
need to because it doesn’t look like Kaleb Johnson was a wise investment in
round 1 (…yikes!). But not to worry,
Kyle’s got a secret weapon, one we here at the Power Rankings killed him for
over the past 2 years. Quentin Johnston
might actually be good at football.
After a very bad start to his career and some hilarious drops in big
moments, it looks like Harbaugh is actually turning him into a viable WR. Oh shoot, we almost forgot his other secret
weapon…Shadeur Sanders. You guys all
just wait until he deploys him when the Browns finally let that dawg loose.
When talking about his QB statures and title chances.
4. Fuck It Three – It’s been a bumpier start to the season than Garrett’s
used to. At this point, he’s typically at
the top of the standings and outscoring the league. But this year, he’s more mediocre than a bag
of Runts. He added some good quality
depth along the way but losing Lamar, Mixon, Chubba, Aiyuk, Kittle and now
Tyreeeeek can’t really be replaced. If
it continues, it would only be the third time in thirteen years that South’s
missed the playoffs. But Garrett won’t
go down without a fight…mainly because his blood sugar won’t let him.
Garrett's future...
5. Rollin’ 4 Deep – According to inside sources, Finken’s season has
been a roller coaster of emotions. Every
game he’s played this year has been a nail biter. He won three matches by 5 or less points and
has scored between 140-150 basically every week. And his losses were all tight as well. You could say that he had those other wins
locked up but Brian Thomas Jr dropped them.
His Iggles still appear to be hungover from the Super Bowl (Editor’s note:
remember when they beat the Chiefs in the Super Bowl?!?!) but Judkins has helped
pick up the slack the past few weeks. If
he can’t string together some decent weeks and put some Ws on the board, he
might need some of Rodgers ayahuasca to get him thru the rest of the season.
Finken seeing all the ways his season can continue to go wrong.
6. Ah It’s Early – Like his life underneath the sheets, Seth’s season
has had a lot of ups and downs. He
bested his first two opponents of the season on marginal scores. But now he’s lost 3 straight on very strong
scores against the top of the league. Median
scoring has saved his season and kept him in the hunt. This is not to be confused with mediocre
scoring which is what Lansink’s sister has gotten used to. When we were discussing changes the starting
roster spots in the future, Seth should’ve lobbied for 4 Superflex spots since
he’s essentially got 4 QB1s. He’d be
more unstoppable with all those guys in his lineup than Iowa State vs Iowa
lately.
Kirk, look at me...I'm the captain now.
7. Play It Backwards – Mitch lobbied to end the season after Week 1,
which would have kept him in the playoffs and likely right in Riley’s sights of
the first round matchup choice. But
alas, the season continued and he is on the outside looking in as of now. Mitch is employing what we here at the Power
Rankings call “The Kyle” where you start two TEs because the rest of your flex
options are worse than his Indians scoring chances against Valley. It’s even more impressive knowing that Bowers
is currently on the shelf. In reality,
he’s probably still a year away from truly competing and he’s got the draft
capital to load up on even more TEs for 2026.
Tis the season for PIB.
8. Joker High – Sorry Paul, “Getting High With Jokers” is just too much
of a mouthful. We’re making the
executive decision that this is your new name.
It’s succinct, to the point and related to pitch. After five weeks, it looks like it may be a
long season and he’ll want to start shaving off veterans for high upside and
draft capital to contenders as the playoffs near. But he’s used the waiver wire, completed
trades and set a solid line-up each week, which is about all we can ask. You’re A-OK in our book…
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