Week 11 is in the books and it’s been a while since we had a check in with our beloved fake football contests. There’s so much going on in the world that our focus has been elsewhere. But we figure it’d be best to get a set of Power Rankings out before the holiday season…and before the Epstein list is released and Trump starts a war to distract everyone.
Our entire country these days...
Guillotine League
Finken took an early exit in Week 3 to focus on the Nebraska volleyball season. Mitch lasted until Week 5 when Heidi added cleaning the stables to his list of chores so his focus went elsewhere. South’s neck held out until Week 7 when he clicked on the link from Prince Nobu from Kenya promising endless riches and his technology collapsed. Kyle’s noggin was chopped in Week 8 after realizing how much the crappy Guillotine waiver process was eating into his Minecraft or Roblox time. Seth was the most recent victim of the blade when some sexy roller dogs caught his eye and distracted him from the waiver wire.
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| Tell tell if Seth was eying the robust waiver wire or his 3rd snack of the day. |
With 5 weeks left, we have Lansink, Riley, Paulie, Finken’s buddy Warmbier (his actual name) and some guy named Dylan from Riley’s “Eyes Wide Shut” party crew. Initially, we at the Power Rankings thought this was his special lady friend and found it hilarious that she outlasted most of us, which would’ve been objectively hilarious. We feel like it would’ve been fitting though, women typically last much longer in many things. Men aren’t always supposed to last long. It’s not in our nature. In fact, some women say they don’t want men to last longer. Yeah, that’s it, that’s what most women say…
Anyway, on to the Best Ball League:
The Best Ball League has been surprisingly competitive this year. No team is running away with it or just an absolute dumpster fire, which is typically the norm. Could be because we waited until right before the season and knew training camp injuries and depth charts. But maybe it’s because Abel isn’t involved and this was the thing he was really good at. Some managers may want to bring him back in as a consultant before next years draft.
Thru 11 weeks, Finken sits atop the standings after a huge week this week but basically everyone else is still in the playoff picture with only 3 weeks to go. The biggest anomaly is Lansink being tied for the lead record-wise but having the 3rd fewest points. It’s a good thing nobody cares about this league or Chris would have a full page editorial in the Register about how awesome his top QBs are.
Everyone checking the best ball league once a month.
But enough of all that, we’re all really here for one thing, dynasty football rankings and we’re here to give the people what they want.** So without further ado, on with the Power Rankings…
**When it’s convenient
to our humble moderators and they feel like you all deserve it.
1. If We’re Using Logic – Chris remains at the top of the standings and favored to grab the #1 seed despite losing Burrow, Neighbors and Skatte-rbrain for a good chunk of the season. Josh Allen and Jonathan Taylor have carried the team along with his gauntlet of WRs but there’s been a few surprises including Stafford contending for MVP and Ferguson and Gadsden becoming what Pitts and Loveland should have been. He’s got a fairly easy schedule left with Seth, Finken and Paul left to play so he should likely start sizing up his first round match-up now. His team is already within spittin’ distance of championship number 16, as long as they don’t do anything stupid and get suspended.
Chase took that a little too literally...
2. Smells Low – Riley has shown that last year was no fluke and that he’s ready to make another run. Achane has been great this year and James Cook is doing it again despite every preseason prognosticator preaching regression. Even the corpse of Javonte Williams is tearing it up. His WR corps are consistently great with The Sun God, Adams and Egbuka leading the way. But it’s really Riley’s ability to see beyond his nose (quite a feat!) for grabbing Drake Maye that is carrying him to the promised land, much like Maye is for his Patriots. It’s good to see finally something is going right for the Pats. After their months and months without a generational QB, they were due for some good luck.
3. Off Suit 10s – Kyle is probably the biggest surprise of the contenders as Chris had him pegged 6th in his preseason predictions. But now it’s Lehman doing the pegging to Lazer as Kyle took both matchups this season and is ready to roll him in the playoffs. What Chris didn’t account for is Kyle’s magnificent haggling skills after years of RV and Ginsu knife sales training. Lehman’s turned his roster into a true contender after several deals including acquiring Chase Brown, Jaylen Warren, Goedert and Danny Dimes. It also helps when JSN and McBride lead the scoring of that position by a larger margin than your average good old-fashioned shoe toss. I think we all know at this point that any draft capital that comes in the door, Kyle holds shorter than the Trump family holds a scammy crypto coin.
4. Ah It’s Early – Seth had been treading water this season when he decided to shift it into overdrive and make a run for playoff glory. Garrett Wilson was underperforming and hurt? Get him outta here!! Get me Higgins and AD Mitchell!! My RBs are uninspiring and lack upside? Get me Barkley and Judkins!! Damn the cost!! Seth’s a new man. He doesn’t wait for action, he is the action!! Ask Lazer’s sister!! He’s got a deep and fairly stacked roster of flex options to go with his stud QBs, giving him the upset ability that fueled Lazer’s 22 championship runs. After a few years of missing the playoffs after winning it all in 2022, he’s hoping to be hanging that trophy over his bed again, setting the scene for another wonderful Christmas card featuring South draped in Cyclone silk.
5. F It Three – The cracks were showing coming into this season and they have manifested themselves in spades so far. Lamar’s been hurt and not super effective. JJ is still elite but his quarterbacks are playing at the Indianola High JV level. Jacobs is now hurt and Rodgers can’t see Metcalf thru his tinfoil hat. CMC is the only thing holding his roster together. South’s offseason trades he cooked up for aging middle-of-the-road players have all turned into shit soup. He’s going to have to hope ransomware attackers lock Kyle and Seth’s rosters or he’s going to be in the toilet bowl without draft picks to show for it.
Southie looking for his draft picks after missing the playoffs.
6. Play It Backwards – Much like how he became Norwalk’s foremost Equestrian Facility Manager, Mitch has had a weird season. He came into the season just wanting to keep building in order to start making his run in 2026. This is summed up best by posting a sub-100 score one week and then posting the league’s all-time high points two weeks later. But some of the pieces fell into place quicker than expected and he finds himself with the playoffs within T-Rex arm’s reach. And he could almost control his destiny, after facing Finken’s corpse of a team (more on that shortly), he faces Seth and Lehman and could greatly enhance his chances of removing them from his path. His starters are solid and have high-ceiling potential each week. But with no depth, its’ hard to see him as a true contender yet. Fitting for his livery yard lifestyle now, you could say his team is “all hat and no (or horses if you will)”.
Mitch riding into the playoffs
7. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Anonymous sources report Finken had high hopes for this season. And much like Scott Frosts tenure, those hopes and dreams went down the f-ing drain (insert Mitch’s terrible Russian accent here). Finken’s playoff window essentially closed with two losses by less than a point in the past few weeks and he decided to try to recharge his line-up with some youth. He’d better hope he can mine some diamonds in this upcoming draft or else he’s looking at a much longer and deeper rebuild. He’ll need to be much more Howie Roseman than Marty Schottenheimer.
Finken's
8. Joker High – We here at the Power Rankings aren’t sure if Paul knew what he was in for this year. And some injuries haven’t helped anything other than grabbing the 1st pick next year. He’s made a couple moves to inch his roster further and continue to gather draft capital for the future. And Paul made a great call in spurning consensus hive mind in throwing the Dart when he did. Now he just needs his other QBs to pull their head out of their ass and he’ll at least have one position covered for the immediate future. That and another solid offseason and draft will have him on the road to truly competing in 2032 or so.
Paul as the years tick on.
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