Week 8

Week 8 is in the books and things are starting to take shape for the playoff picture.  There are 4 teams at the top who have set themselves in a great position record-wise and the 4 bottom teams that had better start reeling off some wins or they’ll be fighting for draft position.  This past week was full of blow-outs with the average margin of victory being 49 points.  Riley, I’ll explain how I got there since you had some substandard education in your high school days.  There are already a few projected blow-outs for the upcoming week and surprise, surprise; Abel is featured prominently in one of them.  This is also the first week of the season where we are playing teams for the second time so coaching and film review will really come into play going forward.  There weren’t any blatant roster omissions that got someone beat but our #1 team, once again, takes home the Caesar award.  Let’s get on with the Halloween power rankings…

1.       Fuck It Three – Garrett reclaimed the top spot after beating Seth pretty soundly to avoid losing 3 straight.  And let’s be honest, South doesn’t do things straight very often.  However, for the second week in a row, Southy makes one of the dumbest roster moves.  This week, starting Teddy Bridgewater over Big Ben Bathroomraper.  TB is a rookie playing on road and Ben had been pretty consistent going into a for-sure shoot-out with Luck.  While this didn’t affect the outcome, it cost him 35 points scored, which could come into play with playoff seeding or tiebreakers down the road.  Fortunately South gets to pound some Gopher ass this week lining it up against Abel and is already favored by 20 points.  The rich get richer and South fantasy-sports’ all over us again. 

 

2.       Smells Low – Riley got his nose bloodied this week by Lehman.  Almost everyone in his lineup except his 2 QBs performed way below their projected total.  His bench wouldn’t have helped much as the only guys who scored decently were all random dudes no one would start anyway.  But if Riley wanted to start checking out some of his random dudes, I guess college is a good time to experiment with it.  Although his 3 game winning streak was snapped, he has still scored the 2^nd most points and is favored in his next matchup with Finken.  As noted before, his QBs will keep him competitive but he needs his other players to at least show up or Riley will end up looking like this guy. 

3.       If We’re Using Logic – Chris could’ve almost been arrested for assaulting a special needs child for the beating he put on Abel, more than doubling up his score.  Chris’s active roster almost scored more than Abel’s entire roster and bench.  A closer look into the numbers shows Chris has been very fortunate as he’s scored the second lowest points in the league now and has faced (by far!) the lowest amount of points.  If Kyle weren’t basically in the same boat and Chris hadn’t recently beat Kyle, Lazer would be sitting at #4 or 5.  At some point, this will catch up to the both of them.  It could be this weekend for Chris as about half of his roster is on bye against Mitch.  This is an epic coaching matchup but being short-handed, Chris will most likely be coaching middle school while Mitch is operating at varsity level. 

4.       Off Suit 10s – Well, Kyle called his shot and delivered so we have to give credit where credit is due.  He wasn’t just trying to extend the game with K, 9, 4.  Despite his QB of the future throwing 2 pick-sixes, Kyle pretty much optimized his lineup.  It was a rare instance when Kyle actually has a hand to play.  It helped that Riley was basically void of trump to set his bid.  Kyle also made the bold move of dropping CJ2K to CJ2WaiverWire.  Kyle could move himself further up the list if he takes care of business against Seth, as predicted.  But just like any Hawkeye on a moped, these things never work out the way they’re supposed to. 

5.       Ah It’s Early – After 2 straight wins, Seth falters again to South.  He had a glimmer of hope going into MNF being down 58 but having Romo, Dez and Dan Bailey still to play.  But unfortunately Jerry Jones’s crew shit the bed and Romo pulled a Romo and Seth got Romo’d.  Seth was favored by 9 in this matchup and had 5 guys on the bench that scored right at or above 20 points.  It wouldn’t have made much difference as the margin of South’s victory was too steep.  Things are only going to get worse this coming week as he’s not going to have Forte, Jordy, Stafford and maybe Romo.  Maybe instead of whining like a bitch about a trade that everyone was very aware of, Seth should’ve not Romo’d his lineup down his leg. 

6.       Bye Week – Finken beat Mitch handily and has now won 2 in row.  However, those 2 wins came over the 2 worst teams in the rankings so I wouldn’t get too excited just yet.  But in 3 weeks, he’s gone from hopeless and in last place to middle of the road and basically tied for the 4^th most points after scoring the highest point total in the league last week.  A wise pick-up of Miami’s D helped Finken get there but it could’ve been much more if he would’ve left Foles and Fitzgerald in his lineup.  This was borderline Caesar award appropriate because he may need help with some of the tiebreakers at the end of the season.  Finken’s true season begins now as he’s going against the top 4 teams in the league the next 4 weeks.  He can either make the move to the postseason or Taylor Martinez the season away.

 

7.       Play It Backwards – Oh how the mighty have fallen and much like his Bears, Mitch may have dug the hole too deep by now.  He has now lost 3 in a row and is now trying to unload his overvalued veterans in order to build for next year.  Although Watkins cost him a TD by lollygagging into the end zone, it wouldn’t have mattered as he was up against the highest point total of the year.  He couldn’t have logically played anyone on his bench that would’ve helped either.  Mitch knew he was in trouble early since Finken had 56 points after Thursday’s game.  He will get his top WRs back this week most likely but if he has any hope, he needs to spend his time this week focusing on beating Chris and not worry about Dowling.  Once Indianola is out of the playoffs, it will give him more time to focus on what is really important, cards and fantasy football, not silly things like your job or family. 

 

 

8.       Goldy’s Heroes – Where do we begin?  Geno Smith got Abel negative points, Floyd put up a goose egg and $cam Newton felt the wrath of the LOB.  Abel also decided not to start a defense as SF was on bye although he adjusted his roster for the other byes.  It was a bold move and he found out pretty quick that it didn’t pan out for him.  I also believe this results in some kind of penalty according to the by-laws.  Murray did his usual thing but much like David Cobb against Illinois, Abel fumbled his roster and the game away.  Next year, we might want to invite Abel’s son Jack to play in his place as his decisions and draft ability could not be any worse. 

 

 

Week 7

The power rankings are brought to you this week from the Sarasota, FL airport.  Officially I’m here on business but unofficially I’m down here scouting Lansink retirement communities as he’ll be eligible to start pulling a pension in the next 5-6 years I believe.  We’ve officially hit the midway point of the regular season and it’s been an eventful week in the Card Night Kangs league.  The previous #1 team went down and the last spot has a definitive placeholder for the near future.  There will now be a weekly award given out to the manager who makes the worst decision in regards to his roster choice.  Right now I’m open to suggestions for names but let’s initially label it the Caesar award.  Lo and behold, we have two Caesars this week.  Let’s get right into it…

 

1.       Smells Low – Riley is now 6-1, has scored the most points in the league and is the only team to score over 200 points on the season.  I’m not sure how Manning and Brady can coexist together on a team but they’ve propelled Riley’s schnoz to a commanding lead.  The rest of his team isn’t that overwhelming but with those 2 QBs and average production from the rest, that may be all Riley needs to sniff out a first round bye. 

 

 

2.       Fuck It Three – South has now lost 2 games in a row and has been removed from the top spot.  He lost by 1 point to Kyle, which should be hilarious to all of us that helped Southie pay his mortgage from his pitch winnings by pulling lucky cards out of his ass.  Garret tied for the Caesar award this week as he opted to play Cecil Shorts over Lacy, Wallace, Hopkins and Patterson.  All of which would’ve given him the win.  Not sure what he was thinking but afterwards he was reached for comment as he exclaimed “Laffy Taffy’s a helluva drug… “

3.       Ah Its Early – Seth dominated Chris and it could’ve been much worse if Seth would’ve put his optimal line-up together.  Seth could easily skyrocket further up this board if he knocks Southy to a 3^rd straight loss this weekend as he has the 3^rd most points and has won 3 of the last 4.  Seth led Chris in points in play and on the bench.  Let’s not also forget that Seth is also leading the league in sisters slept with, which is really the ultimate tie breaker.  This could’ve gotten much more vulgar but I respect Cara too much even though she decided to marry and procreate with Seth. 

4.       If We’re Using Logic – Seth claimed his rightful spot as true son and rightful heir to Den with his epic beatdown of Chris.  Den knew of Seth’s fantasy prowess when he was wooing his daughter and figured this day would come eventually.  Chris is fortunate to still be this high based on points for and against.  However, he does get McCoy back this week and gets to beat down Abel before his big showdown with Mitch.  Lose those and we should probably make Chris host cards that week so he can punch holes in his own walls again.

5.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle could’ve been moved up since he just beat the previous #1 team and has won 3 of the last 4.  However, he also has the 3^rd lowest points scored and luckily, the 3^rd lowest points scored against him.  He has also now started building his team for the future with a cornerstone of a rookie Jacksonville QB, which is the best kind of building block and surely won’t be Gabbert 2.0.  Luckily, this week, he has a chance to grab ahold of a top spot if he knocks off Riley.  Right now he’s favored and it’s a good thing Iowa is off this weekend so Kyle can concentrate on this matchup.  Luckily Riley doesn’t have any Maryland DBs on his roster to snatch a sure victory away. 

6.       Play It Backwards – Oh Mitch, poor Mitch as he claims the other half of the Caesar award.  With one simple roster move of inserting Russell Wilson instead of either of his QBs, he rolls past the #1 team and positions himself well for a late season run as his injured players get healthy.  Unfortunately he was blinded by his Bears fandom to Smokin Jay Cutler, the way Smokin Jay was blinded by the smoke his cigarette butts had created around his WRs allowing Miami to dominate them at home.  From reports, Mitch was heard inside the locker room cursing out the Bears WRs for not being use to the constant nicotine haze by now.  Word is that Mitch is looking to trade a few of his players away to build for the future, definitely not because they slept with Russell Wilson’s wife. 

7.       Bye Week – Although Finken still has the worst record, the power rankings could no longer ignore that Finken has more points scored, more points faced, beat Abel head-to-head, been decimated by injuries and is significantly more handsome.  He also has a toss up with Mitch this week without Kaepernick and maybe his injured WRs.  One fact that hasn’t been mentioned yet is Finken’s first pick of the past draft being a non-factor on a horrible team.  However, Kirk Ferentz would be proud of Finken essentially punting on the first play of the game.

8.       Goldy Heros – Once again, Eli was the highest scoring player for Abel and next week he’s on bye so guess what Abel’s outlook is.  He’s already almost a 40point dog to Lazer.  And once the Cowboys have officially ran Murray into the ground in a few weeks, Abel will really be screwed.  And it’s most fitting that it’s most likely to happen against Lazer since at least he’ll probably take Abel out to a nice chicken parmesan dinner and a showing of Titanic before royally screwing him.

Season 2: Week 6

Well, we’re 6 weeks into the season which means we’re almost halfway done with the season.  So it’s time to evaluate where everyone is at with the first BCS power rankings.

So far this year, up is down, down is up, cats and dogs are living, overall craziness.  The big story is Southy’s skyrocket from worst to first means that lucky horseshoe crammed deep within his rectum is starting to lose it’s luster at the card table and starting to fantasy sports all over everyone else’s faces.  The other dramatic storyline is the freefall of Finken, going from a solid 8-6 last year and winning the consolation bracket to currently winless.  Mitch, our reigning champ, has had a tough go of it currently sitting in 6th place, only in front of lowly Abel and Finken, which he should be embarrassed of.

The three top teams all beat each other so you could make an argument for any of them being 1-3 but we’ll go with total points scored for now.  Southy has also had a much tougher road with 905 points scored against him and Riley and Chris have had under 800 scored against them.  Kyle is hanging onto the 4th playoff berth and is feverishly telemarketing support to hang onto it since the next two teams have each scored more points than he has.  It’ll be an interesting next few weeks as the rankings really start to take shape.  All of the 5-1 teams are playing middle-of-the-road teams this week.  Who will stumble and come back to the pack?  On with the power rankings…

1. Fuck it Three – Garrett did a great job in 2013 looking ahead to 2014 when he wasn’t busy cheating with 18 QBs on his roster.  His starters of Luck, Bell, Brown and Julius Thomas along with “old balls” Steve Smith-not-Jr. have carried his team to the top spot and the most points in the league.  However, he’s on shaky ground here as he was just handed his first loss handily from the 2nd ranked team.  If any of these starters begin to fail, you might see this team go down faster than a girl in the bathroom with Big Ben since he doesn’t have the depth to replace them.  However, 4 of his next 5 games are against the worst half of the league.  So the Southy magic looks to continue.

2. Smells Low – Riley has been surprisingly competent in fantasy football for 2 years now after a 3rd place finish last year as it seems like he’s either sleeping, going to class or banging Eva so I’m not sure where he has the time.  He’s got a 3-headed QB monster but you know his heart truly belongs to Peyton.  Riley has a tougher schedule down the stretch so he’ll need his depth to hold.  Luckily most of his important byes are behind him and the others don’t show up for 3-4 more weeks.  Somehow, I think he’ll nose around and sniff out a few more wins.

3. If We’re Using Logic – Chris has also made a miraculous turnaround after finishing 2nd to last in 2013.  This can be mostly attributed his tandem of Falcons.  They ate dick last year and so did Chris’s team.  This year, well the Falcons still suck but at least Matty Ice and Julio are scoring a bunch of points.  This team probably has the most position depth of the top 3 but has scored the fewest points as well.  It must hurt Chris deep down to keep Reggie Bush on the bench and start Joqieudeifjr Bell.  What really shattered his disco ball was having to release Tony Gonzalez this year.  He still can’t watch CBS’s pregame show without it getting misty in the room.

4. Of Suit 10s – I wanted to rank Seth ahead of Kyle because he has scored and faced more points than Kyle has but then I saw that Kyle beat Seth and Mitch head-to-head and Seth has only beaten Abel and Finken (guess where they’ll be on this list).  Kyle’s team leaves something to be desired and now that Graham is hurt and he has some important byes coming up, it could really take a nose dive since his next 3 games are all against solid teams.  I’m sure it’ll turn out like the time he bid 4 with A-4 and not like the hundreds of times a 3 bid backfired on Kyle…  

5. Ah It’s Early – As I mentioned, Seth has scored more and faced more points than almost anyone but yet he can’t quite get over the hump against a good team.  He’ll get his chance over the next 4 weeks as he’s playing the best 4 teams in the league.  Losing Cruz hurts but he’s got WR depth, especially since AJ Green is out.  But if Forte ever goes down, Seth is in trouble as his other RBs are worst than his weight loss estimate.  He must’ve been watching Southy though as he also has 5 QBs on his roster which means his previous game should’ve been a forfeit.  Even Jamie Pollard would stand up for that.

6. Play It Backwards – While Mitch may be down now, he may be primed for a late season run if he can get his WRs healthy, which should both be back soon.  Josh Gordon will also be back at some point.  He could’ve had an easy win against Abel but he started Russell Wilson instead of Kaepernick.  If anything will bring him down, it’s poor judgment, which you’d probably expect from someone that lives that close to Missouri.  Mitch has a tough stretch coming up but any team putting their faith in Smokin Jay Cutler has never been let down before.

7. Goldy’s Heros – For a team that has the 2nd best fantasy player in Murray, the rest of this team is average at best.  Abel’s next best player is Eli Manning, which should tell you everything.  He barely beat Kyle and Mitch basically gave Abel the win last week as noted above.  It’s a good thing Abel never comes to cards or he might find that we’re secretly plotting each week on how to make his team lose.  Oh wait, we don’t need to do that, Abel took care of that at the draft.

8. Bye Week – All bias aside, the power rankings were tempted to put Finken above Abel based on points scored for and against him as well as all of the injuries and suspensions his team has faced.  But sadly, 0-6 is 0-6.  This will all sort itself out this weekend as Finken and Abel square off against each other for the war of attrition.  Luckily, he gets Abel twice and Mitch potentially without his injured WRs in the coming weeks.  However, outlook is playing for the #1 draft pick again.