So far this year, up is down, down is up, cats and dogs are living, overall craziness. The big story is Southy’s skyrocket from worst to first means that lucky horseshoe crammed deep within his rectum is starting to lose it’s luster at the card table and starting to fantasy sports all over everyone else’s faces. The other dramatic storyline is the freefall of Finken, going from a solid 8-6 last year and winning the consolation bracket to currently winless. Mitch, our reigning champ, has had a tough go of it currently sitting in 6th place, only in front of lowly Abel and Finken, which he should be embarrassed of.
The three top teams all beat each other so you could make an argument for any of them being 1-3 but we’ll go with total points scored for now. Southy has also had a much tougher road with 905 points scored against him and Riley and Chris have had under 800 scored against them. Kyle is hanging onto the 4th playoff berth and is feverishly telemarketing support to hang onto it since the next two teams have each scored more points than he has. It’ll be an interesting next few weeks as the rankings really start to take shape. All of the 5-1 teams are playing middle-of-the-road teams this week. Who will stumble and come back to the pack? On with the power rankings…
1. Fuck it Three – Garrett did a great job in 2013 looking ahead to 2014 when he wasn’t busy cheating with 18 QBs on his roster. His starters of Luck, Bell, Brown and Julius Thomas along with “old balls” Steve Smith-not-Jr. have carried his team to the top spot and the most points in the league. However, he’s on shaky ground here as he was just handed his first loss handily from the 2nd ranked team. If any of these starters begin to fail, you might see this team go down faster than a girl in the bathroom with Big Ben since he doesn’t have the depth to replace them. However, 4 of his next 5 games are against the worst half of the league. So the Southy magic looks to continue.
2. Smells Low – Riley has been surprisingly competent in fantasy football for 2 years now after a 3rd place finish last year as it seems like he’s either sleeping, going to class or banging Eva so I’m not sure where he has the time. He’s got a 3-headed QB monster but you know his heart truly belongs to Peyton. Riley has a tougher schedule down the stretch so he’ll need his depth to hold. Luckily most of his important byes are behind him and the others don’t show up for 3-4 more weeks. Somehow, I think he’ll nose around and sniff out a few more wins.
3. If We’re Using Logic – Chris has also made a miraculous turnaround after finishing 2nd to last in 2013. This can be mostly attributed his tandem of Falcons. They ate dick last year and so did Chris’s team. This year, well the Falcons still suck but at least Matty Ice and Julio are scoring a bunch of points. This team probably has the most position depth of the top 3 but has scored the fewest points as well. It must hurt Chris deep down to keep Reggie Bush on the bench and start Joqieudeifjr Bell. What really shattered his disco ball was having to release Tony Gonzalez this year. He still can’t watch CBS’s pregame show without it getting misty in the room.
4. Of Suit 10s – I wanted to rank Seth ahead of Kyle because he has scored and faced more points than Kyle has but then I saw that Kyle beat Seth and Mitch head-to-head and Seth has only beaten Abel and Finken (guess where they’ll be on this list). Kyle’s team leaves something to be desired and now that Graham is hurt and he has some important byes coming up, it could really take a nose dive since his next 3 games are all against solid teams. I’m sure it’ll turn out like the time he bid 4 with A-4 and not like the hundreds of times a 3 bid backfired on Kyle…
5. Ah It’s Early – As I mentioned, Seth has scored more and faced more points than almost anyone but yet he can’t quite get over the hump against a good team. He’ll get his chance over the next 4 weeks as he’s playing the best 4 teams in the league. Losing Cruz hurts but he’s got WR depth, especially since AJ Green is out. But if Forte ever goes down, Seth is in trouble as his other RBs are worst than his weight loss estimate. He must’ve been watching Southy though as he also has 5 QBs on his roster which means his previous game should’ve been a forfeit. Even Jamie Pollard would stand up for that.
6. Play It Backwards – While Mitch may be down now, he may be primed for a late season run if he can get his WRs healthy, which should both be back soon. Josh Gordon will also be back at some point. He could’ve had an easy win against Abel but he started Russell Wilson instead of Kaepernick. If anything will bring him down, it’s poor judgment, which you’d probably expect from someone that lives that close to Missouri. Mitch has a tough stretch coming up but any team putting their faith in Smokin Jay Cutler has never been let down before.
7. Goldy’s Heros – For a team that has the 2nd best fantasy player in Murray, the rest of this team is average at best. Abel’s next best player is Eli Manning, which should tell you everything. He barely beat Kyle and Mitch basically gave Abel the win last week as noted above. It’s a good thing Abel never comes to cards or he might find that we’re secretly plotting each week on how to make his team lose. Oh wait, we don’t need to do that, Abel took care of that at the draft.
8. Bye Week – All bias aside, the power rankings were tempted to put Finken above Abel based on points scored for and against him as well as all of the injuries and suspensions his team has faced. But sadly, 0-6 is 0-6. This will all sort itself out this weekend as Finken and Abel square off against each other for the war of attrition. Luckily, he gets Abel twice and Mitch potentially without his injured WRs in the coming weeks. However, outlook is playing for the #1 draft pick again.
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