Week 7

The power rankings are brought to you this week from the Sarasota, FL airport.  Officially I’m here on business but unofficially I’m down here scouting Lansink retirement communities as he’ll be eligible to start pulling a pension in the next 5-6 years I believe.  We’ve officially hit the midway point of the regular season and it’s been an eventful week in the Card Night Kangs league.  The previous #1 team went down and the last spot has a definitive placeholder for the near future.  There will now be a weekly award given out to the manager who makes the worst decision in regards to his roster choice.  Right now I’m open to suggestions for names but let’s initially label it the Caesar award.  Lo and behold, we have two Caesars this week.  Let’s get right into it…

 

1.       Smells Low – Riley is now 6-1, has scored the most points in the league and is the only team to score over 200 points on the season.  I’m not sure how Manning and Brady can coexist together on a team but they’ve propelled Riley’s schnoz to a commanding lead.  The rest of his team isn’t that overwhelming but with those 2 QBs and average production from the rest, that may be all Riley needs to sniff out a first round bye. 

 

 

2.       Fuck It Three – South has now lost 2 games in a row and has been removed from the top spot.  He lost by 1 point to Kyle, which should be hilarious to all of us that helped Southie pay his mortgage from his pitch winnings by pulling lucky cards out of his ass.  Garret tied for the Caesar award this week as he opted to play Cecil Shorts over Lacy, Wallace, Hopkins and Patterson.  All of which would’ve given him the win.  Not sure what he was thinking but afterwards he was reached for comment as he exclaimed “Laffy Taffy’s a helluva drug… “

3.       Ah Its Early – Seth dominated Chris and it could’ve been much worse if Seth would’ve put his optimal line-up together.  Seth could easily skyrocket further up this board if he knocks Southy to a 3^rd straight loss this weekend as he has the 3^rd most points and has won 3 of the last 4.  Seth led Chris in points in play and on the bench.  Let’s not also forget that Seth is also leading the league in sisters slept with, which is really the ultimate tie breaker.  This could’ve gotten much more vulgar but I respect Cara too much even though she decided to marry and procreate with Seth. 

4.       If We’re Using Logic – Seth claimed his rightful spot as true son and rightful heir to Den with his epic beatdown of Chris.  Den knew of Seth’s fantasy prowess when he was wooing his daughter and figured this day would come eventually.  Chris is fortunate to still be this high based on points for and against.  However, he does get McCoy back this week and gets to beat down Abel before his big showdown with Mitch.  Lose those and we should probably make Chris host cards that week so he can punch holes in his own walls again.

5.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle could’ve been moved up since he just beat the previous #1 team and has won 3 of the last 4.  However, he also has the 3^rd lowest points scored and luckily, the 3^rd lowest points scored against him.  He has also now started building his team for the future with a cornerstone of a rookie Jacksonville QB, which is the best kind of building block and surely won’t be Gabbert 2.0.  Luckily, this week, he has a chance to grab ahold of a top spot if he knocks off Riley.  Right now he’s favored and it’s a good thing Iowa is off this weekend so Kyle can concentrate on this matchup.  Luckily Riley doesn’t have any Maryland DBs on his roster to snatch a sure victory away. 

6.       Play It Backwards – Oh Mitch, poor Mitch as he claims the other half of the Caesar award.  With one simple roster move of inserting Russell Wilson instead of either of his QBs, he rolls past the #1 team and positions himself well for a late season run as his injured players get healthy.  Unfortunately he was blinded by his Bears fandom to Smokin Jay Cutler, the way Smokin Jay was blinded by the smoke his cigarette butts had created around his WRs allowing Miami to dominate them at home.  From reports, Mitch was heard inside the locker room cursing out the Bears WRs for not being use to the constant nicotine haze by now.  Word is that Mitch is looking to trade a few of his players away to build for the future, definitely not because they slept with Russell Wilson’s wife. 

7.       Bye Week – Although Finken still has the worst record, the power rankings could no longer ignore that Finken has more points scored, more points faced, beat Abel head-to-head, been decimated by injuries and is significantly more handsome.  He also has a toss up with Mitch this week without Kaepernick and maybe his injured WRs.  One fact that hasn’t been mentioned yet is Finken’s first pick of the past draft being a non-factor on a horrible team.  However, Kirk Ferentz would be proud of Finken essentially punting on the first play of the game.

8.       Goldy Heros – Once again, Eli was the highest scoring player for Abel and next week he’s on bye so guess what Abel’s outlook is.  He’s already almost a 40point dog to Lazer.  And once the Cowboys have officially ran Murray into the ground in a few weeks, Abel will really be screwed.  And it’s most fitting that it’s most likely to happen against Lazer since at least he’ll probably take Abel out to a nice chicken parmesan dinner and a showing of Titanic before royally screwing him.