Week 11

The power rankings decided to take their annual bye this past week due to the fact that Finken was out of town and South was too lazy to put them together alone as he agreed to do.  So if you were missing your weekly break from your depressing life filled with mundane job responsibilities and head scratching family obligations, feel free to call South and....

Week 11 is in the books and there are only 3 weeks left to make a move.  We have a new king of the mountain as Riley got a taste of the ole Dirty South this past week.  Technically no one has clinched a playoff spot yet but it would take an act of congress for South or Riley to miss out at this point.  This week will go a long ways to determine who makes it as numerous matchups could eliminate the loser.  Point totals will also become very important so some of you lower teams, make sure to try and score 250+.  Now on with the power rankings.


Several team's playoff chances at the end of this week.

1. Fuck It Three - FIT took home high points for the week and swept the season series of the previous #1 team.  His trio of Famous Jamies, Hopkins and Doug Martin did most of the damage.  If FIT can't be beat with the Steelers on bye, then the rest of this league is in trouble going forward.  He's won 5 straight and Big Ben looks healthy enough to rape just about anything on the remaining schedule.  With 3 playoff contenders left on the docket in Finken, Abel and Chris, it won't be easy, but that's what they said about reaching the flexibility to bee jibber himself.  He didn't need those extra ribs anyway.

More like Southy Island.

2. Smells Low - Riley gets knocked down a peg for the first time in a while.  It'd be easy to dog him for leaving Lynch in the lineup instead of starting Lou Rawls and his 40+ points.  But ultimately, it wouldn't have mattered against FIT's high points.  Also not helping was the fact that he blew the rest of his FAB money on Amendola the way Eva blew every member of Riley's fraternity this past week.  As mentioned, he's still mostly a shoe-in for the playoffs with a tough game against Lazer and then 2 easy games to close the season out.  But the odds of Riley going far in the playoffs are about as good as a Lehman 4 bid late in the evening. 

Lynch: alright Rawls, let's fuck over Riley here...

3. If We're Using Logic - Chris held off Mitch by less than a point this past week to extend his winning streak to two.  The matchup came down to multiple players during the Pats-Bills MNF game and each team had to have been more nervous than Riley bringing his new boyfriend home for the holidays.  He may have high points in the league so far but we'll find out if Chris is actually for real as he still has yet to win a game against a team with a winning record.  He'll get his chance with Riley, Fink and South left on the schedule.  With that sort of headwind, his season may be as doomed as a lesbian's gina on new dildo day. 

Looks like something out of Waukee's middle school offense.

4. I'm Out - Jared was doing so well.  He's won 3 in a row, has managed his team pretty well lately and has even made it to cards a few times.  And then he starts 2 guys that were inactive and a kicker on bye.  Any other week, this would've cost him dearly but luckily, Scam Newton came through and  Finken's dumpster fire of a lineup who couldn't even manage 100 points.  Abel has a pretty manageable schedule remaining and is poised to make his first playoff run.  Points may become an issue with tiebreakers as he's scored the 3rd fewest points in the league and we're guessing the fewest points in the bedroom.  (Random fact: Seth is leading in this category...by far...I mean, just crushing it)  Abel had better get his shit together because if he fails another lineup test and doesn't make the playoffs, the calls for a replacement could become stronger.  Sadly, Patrek has his Twitter timeline going against him.  Seriously, does anyone follow him? Amirite?  

Keeping tempting us Abel...keep tempting us.

5. Rollin 4 Deep - R4D is on the brink of missing the playoffs for the 3rd straight year.  He's now lost 4 of 5 and can't even score over 100 points against a handicapped Abel.  This is a week after losing to Riley by 0.06 and a few weeks after losing to Seth by 0.56.  Finken is losing games by a margin slightly higher than his sperm count.  And now he gets to match-up against FIT with all his Steelers back.  Things are trending about as well as the Nebraska football program at this point.  We'll see if he and Herbie can get the ship turned around and make a postseason push. 

No big deal, Finken didn't need those points anyway fat man.

6. Ah It's Early - AIE's pattern remained consistent again.  For the past 8 weeks, he's gone LWLWLWLW.  The good news is that the worse team in the league is up next and it's the perfect chance to break the cycle.  The bad news is that Seth's team sucks and statistics and patterns never fail.  He was lucky to eek out a win over OS10s as he played the wrong 2 QBs and Kyle left a ton of points on his bench.  Seth's playoff hopes aren't looking great with a tough remaining schedule and the fewest points scored in the league.  But don't just give up yet on the first pick sweepstakes, Finken is counting on you. 

Obviously Seth's gameplan against Mitch this coming week.

7. Off Suit 10s - OS10s season has fireballed faster than Dale Earnhardt going into a wall at Daytona.  He's now lost 4 of 5 after losing by 2 to AIE and is probably going to be without Freeman and Forsett for the foreseeable future.  He could've had an easy win and kept himself firmly in the playoff hunt except he left Carson Palmer on his bench in favor of Bortles.  OS10s needs to beat Abel this week and Mitch next week along with hoping for some help to keep his playoffs hopes alive.  The good thing for the rest of the league, Lehman missing the playoffs will assure an off-season of wheeling-and-dealing from Kyle.  Let the conditional picks fly!

A little Rodgers-Jones connection would've put Kyle much higher on this list.

8. Play It Backwards - Mitch lost to Chris by less than a point, has now lost 4 in a row, was forced to pick up Brock Osweiler and Mark Sanchez and finally gave up on the Christine Michael dream.  Let's go live to him now...



Week 9

Week 9 is in the books and there are only 5 weeks left.  It was an interesting week with the bottom 2 teams knocking off two contenders.  No games were really that close and all matchups were pretty much decided before Sunday night football even began.  At this point, the playoff picture is starting to come into focus.  There are 3 teams with at least a 2 game lead on the field and are primed to lock up a playoff berth in the next few weeks.  However there is no clear leader for the last spot and as we learned this past week, no one is safe on a weekly basis.  A few more upsets could easily turn the playoff picture face down, ass up.  Now, on with the rankings...


1. Smells Low - Riley goes down for the 2nd time this season.  But at least it's way fewer times than Eva has gone down on other dudes during the same time.  With Dion Lewis now out for the year and a bunch of his other regular starters looking shakier than Michael J Fox eating soup, Riley could be in for some trouble as he's got Fink, South and Lazer up next.  His matchups this week are all very favorable which should make him feel good going against Finken.  But just like Thai food; what feels good going in, doesn't always feel good coming out. 



I'm sure Riley won't miss this on a weekly basis.

2. Fuck It Three - It was tempting to elevate FIT over Riley this week as he's won 3 in a row and has the 2nd highest points.  But FIT lost his top two QBs again for some time and will have to scramble to hold his ranking.  A team starting Famous Jameis as it's top QB should not hold the #1 spot as the constitution dictates.  Antonio Brown somehow managed half a season's worth of yards from scrimmage without scoring a TD but Garrett has to be concerned with Big Ben out again.  Like a miracle four bid with Jack-6, it'll probably just work out somehow for South. 

 

Just another routine play for South.

3. Rollin' 4 Deep - R4D caught PiB on an off week but it wouldn't have mattered.  Even Mike Evans couldn't have dropped the win this week.  Coming off two losses, R4D could've challenged Lazer's year-high score from last week with a few roster adjustments as his whole lineup showed up this week.   Finken swept the season series against Mitch but now gets the #1 team coming to town whom he's already lost to once this year.  He'll need a max effort with all of his Chargers on bye.  He should probably just take a page out of his beloved Huskers cheating playbook.  The pretend refs of this pretend league probably won't get it right anyway.

Maybe Talib is why the refs blew the call in the NU game.

4. If We're Using Logic - Just like Seth has tarnished the Lansink family name, he has also now trashed the Lansink family pretend football team.  IWUL's double QB-WR stack didn't overwhelm this week and Gronk was held mostly in check.  It may have been bad karma from what his D did to poor President Theodore Bridgewater.  Or it could've been the fact that he started a 2nd TE over a probable-Super-Bowl-MVP-for-the-next-decade WR in Jordan Matthews (just like Freddie Mitchel, right Finken?).  Things won't get any easier with Lehman up next and Atlanta on bye.  No Matty/Jones combo for Chris but at least no Freeman for Kyle.  Chris, maybe you should suggest to Kyle which RB you'd like him to play.

Chris always takes a loss well.

5. Off Suit 10s - This was Kyle's chance to grab ahold of pole position for the last playoff spot with Chris going down and the chance to knock him down again this week.  However, he Manziel'd that down his leg by playing Hillman over Sammy Watkins.  He makes that one adjustment and Kyle's giddier than Riley opening up his Grindr app.  But instead he got swept by FIT this season and is now one of five teams fighting for the last playoff spot.  It'll be a great matchup against IWUL as these hated rivals fight to stay alive.  But while their teams fight on the virtual field, they will sit nestled together in Kinnick sharing a blanket and hot cocoa thermos watching a bunch dudes in tight spandex gettin' gay with each other. 

Lehman and his QB trying to formulate a gameplan each week.

6. I'm Out - Alright Abel, here's your due.  You managed to not bench your players all the way to high points and #6 in the rankings.  IO has now beaten the top 2 teams in the league (and Seth) which is more than any other team can say.  Too bad he has to play all of the other games too.  Another winnable match-up this week against Seth could have IO sky-rocketing even higher and get a decent seeding in the #1 pick bracket.  See kids, dreams can come true!  We would just like to point out that for 2 of your victories, on the prior Wednesday, you managed to get together with a majority of the managers in this league and play some cards.  I'm sure that's not a coincidence. 

Here's Abel dancing around Riley's team.

7. Ah It's Early - Seth did to one Lansink what he does to another Lansink on a nightly basis.  It just happened to both on Sunday.  Seth used his Red Rocket (and Eifert) to take down Lazer and get himself out of the basement of the league.  Abel is up this week and a winning streak is mathematically possible.  The matchup this week will come down to who can break a pattern first.  In the last 6 weeks, AIE has gone LWLWLW.  All season, I'm Out has gone LLWLLWLLW.  Both teams can't lose this game right?

The likely result of this next game between Seth and Abel.

8. Play it Backwards - Our inaugural champion has now lost 2 in a row and sits at the bottom of the rankings.  His excuse will be that he had a ton of guys on bye and had to start Matt Cassell.  The sad part is that Cassell was his lone bright spot and only two other starters scored over 10 points.  At least he knew he was in trouble early as his three Bengals played like...well, Bengals historically do.  Back to full strength, PiB will look to regroup against his Luther buddy FIT.  Early projections indicate that he'll need to outperform expectations if he doesn't want to end up just another trophy on South's wall.

Ummmm, I'm Mitch's team's savior?

Week 8

Alright boys, Week 8 is in the books.  The top spot and bottom of the league look pretty much the same but the other 3 playoffs spots are totally up in the air.  There were a ton of points scored this week, in the matchups and on the bench (more on that in a minute).  There's a few interesting matchups this week since 6 teams are on bye and a bunch of key guys are injured.  With only 6 weeks left, those middle teams had better stop dicking around and make their move.  But for now, on with the rankings.



Four teams will soon get an early start on their golf game.

 

1. Smells Low - Riley continues to take care of business again with a solid overall performance against the man who claims to have taught him all he knows.  He's now won 4 in a row to get to 7-1 and gets one more cakewalk this week (Abel, obviously) before he takes on the meat of his schedule.  Since Riley's no stranger to taking on the meat, his #1 ranking shouldn't be in jeopardy.  This will be a special week as he will have to start Peyton due to Elite Joe being on a bye.  Since we're in Iowa, it's fitting that Riley has let Eva branch out to find adequate satisfaction so he can go public with Peyton.  Be who you are Riley. 

Riley running over the league this year.

2. Fuck It Three - As usual, South was luckier than a turd burglar stumbling across a shit show this week.  Like the Cowboys choosing a QB, he didn't make great lineup choices but it all worked out because he was playing Seth.  His line-up was middle-of-the-road but would've gotten destroyed by his bench, which put up 175.  FI3 made it through a good chunk of the season without Big Ben but now Bell and Steve Smith are done for the season...and he's got a ton of bye weeks to deal with...and OS10s coming to town....and then there's the herpes thing.  Add in the brink of terribleness that Andrew Luck is living on, now that  sounds like a recipe for turd soup.

Garrett will have no more of this...

or this...

 

3. If We're Using Logic - Way to shoot your wad against Abel.  IWUL had lost 4 in a row and was colder than Indianola's playoff record.  They hadn't scored over 145 in any of those weeks.  But this week, Chris's team woke up and was hotter than a whore house on nickel night as they scored almost 220 thanks mainly to the Bucs and Saints horrible D.  IWUL's stack of Matty Ice-Julio and Eli-ODB were deadly as the 4 of them scored as much as Abel's whole roster.  Now Chris turns his attention to Seth as he hopes to do to him what Seth does to his sister each night.

I demand Lazer do this dance if he wins the league again.

4. Off Suit 10s - OS10s avenged the early season loss to R4D.  We're sure Kyle purposely used the 3 guys that Finken traded to him to take down their former team.  OS10s has been rolling in 4 of his last 5 but now there's a step up in competition as South and Lazer show up on the schedule.  Plus Palmer, Fitz and Forsett are all out on bye this week.  Just like in the bedroom, Kyle is in need of a little more depth if he's going to make a real late-season push. 

Based on the past few weeks, Kyle finally broke out his...

5. Rollin 4 Deep - Well, it was an unfortunate loss by Finken to Kyle, let move on...

No, there will be no moving on.

 

Oh wait, R4D decided to leave Brees (and Cooks) on the bench in favor of Tannehill and Miller against the Pats.  Brees had himself a season throwing 7 TDs (8 actually if you count the pick six) and Cooks caught 2 of those.  Together, they scored over 80 points.  Tannehill and Miller combined for 24.  I didn't learn math at Bondurant but I'm guessing that would've helped this week.  A depleted Mitch is up next for R4D, he'd better not whiff this week or his playoff push could slip right through his hands.

Whoops, there goes your win Finken.

6. Play It Backwards - PIB fielded a solid lineup this week but wasn't nearly enough to take down the #1 team.  Mitch is still not out of the playoff picture if his team gets hot but it's going to be an uphill battle this week against Finken with Seattle and Detroit on bye (which make up half of his roster).  Since he doesn't have any back-ups on his roster, he'll have to go D and tight end hunting.  Sounds like a random Thursday night for Riley.

Mitch finally has an excuse to bench Kap.

Last - Ah It's Early/I'm Out - Seth had a shot against South but left Carr and the Texans D on the bench.  Abel had a solid week all around but ran into the Disco Ball Buzzsaw.  These two last place teams play the two top scoring teams this week.  We're guessing these bottoms will probably get pounded by Lazer and Riley as they're known to do.

Seth and Abel are the Shane Lechler of our league.