Season 5 - Week 1

Season 5 of the Card Night Kangs is now officially underway.  We crowned our 3^rd different champion last year as Seth showed he can not only bang Lansink’s sister to no end, he can also dominate this league from start to finish.  Seth begins as the favorite again but he’s got some solid competition behind him in Finken, Lansink and Mitch’s bid to go from worst to first.  Riley appears to have embraced full rebuild mode and Kyle and Abel are just dangerous enough to make some noise.  And aside from Big Ben, none of Garrett’s players were born when Brady entered the league so his chances are probably on par with Josh Gordon’s reinstatement odds. 

We here at the rankings will try and get these out in one form or another each week but both of us are a bit busier at work than in the past so some weeks might slip by.  So if anyone else wants to contribute or take a crack at berating your fellow league mates during the season, let Finken know.  And now, on with the rankings…

1.      I’m Out – Let’s let Jared have his moment in the sun.  His team is 1-0, he doesn’t have a rostered player 4 years into retirement, his Gophers and Vikings look like world-beaters and for some reason, Rachel allowed him to have intercourse with her again.  Rivers and Ingram did just enough on MNF to edge past Kyle by 1.26 points.  But then again, he did drop preseason star Tarik Cohen in order to keep HoFer Jermaine Kearse.  Abel then tried to pick him back up for $0 after Week 1 since he’s had such a problem running out of FAAB money in the past.  Spoiler Alert, everyone in the league except Kyle bid over $24 on him.  It’d probably be giving Abel too much credit to assume it was all an elaborate plan to drain Mitch’s FAAB resources.  Never change Abel. 

And so is Abel...

2.      Ah It’s Early – Seth is still at the top of the real rankings until someone knocks him off.  After dominating all 2016, AIE took down the upstart PIB in a potential playoff preview.  However, Seth is hoping Week 1 was not a sign of things to come.  He failed to crack 150, something he did every week but one last year and now his UNI man crush will be sidelined for months.  Luckily for him, his team is deeper than Riley’s nasal cavity. 

Seth finally saw the news about David Johnson.

3.      Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken made the pick-up of the week by grabbing the Rams D (not like South back on the farm) and riding its 29 points to a high points victory over Garrett.  Lansink’s jinx has worked to some extent putting 4 of his players on IR already and cancelling the 1^st week for Evans and Parker.  But it appears justice has been restored and Elliott will be allowed to beat defenders on the field as well as Goodell in the courtroom.  After finishing 3^rd in 2015 and 2^nd in 2016, R4D looks to reach the mountaintop before Brees’ mole consumes his head and forces him into retirement. 

Finken trying not to focus on Brees falling off a cliff into retirement.

4.      If We’re Using Logic – Through the centuries he’s been on this earth, Lansink is a survivor.  And that experience helped him survive against Riley this week without ODBag.  Chris is going to have to ride Shady into the ground this year at the RB spot as options 2 and 3 are splitting carries in TN.   But if ODBag misses a significant amount of time, he’s going to be playing “mediocre WR roulette” with his flex spots all season as his standout rookie draft class yielded him (add the square root of pi…divide by 18 factorial…subtract the integral of 2s…carry the 3…) ZERO points. 

Actually footage of Chris watching TNF last week.

5.      Play It Backwards – The inaugural champ looks to have rebuilt his team into a monster within one offseason adding Brady, Brown, Crabtree and Olsen.  After 3 seasons in the consolation bracket, Mitch has had enough and worked out a number of sketchy (according to Lazer) trades to put his roster among the favorites.  However, the 137 years of combined experience did not pay off in Week 1 as he fell to our defending champ.  With only $5 FAAB remaining, Mitch could be in trouble if his aging team gets hit by the osteoporosis bug. 

Yeah, we thought Mitch's team was supposed to be great too.

6.      Off Suit 10s – Kyle tried to reshape his team this offseason (as he does every offseason…and preseason…and midseason) but only ends up taking home the Caesar Bad Manager of the Week award.  He fell to Abel by just over a point when he could’ve started 8 different guys over a couple of his flex players.  His optimal score of 191.28 would’ve delivered a Week 1 win, but I guess we’ll never know for sure.  Things don’t get any easier for him this week as he goes against the two-time champ Lazer.  The other good thing is Chris is more than happy to tell Kyle which guy to play.

Kyle waking up Tuesday morning and checking the MNF box scores.

7.      Fuck It Three – Good news, bad news for Garrett.  The good news is that Hunt, Cook, Mixon, Kupp and McCaffery look legit and could be dangerous for years to come.  The bad news is you actually have to put them in your lineup if you want to reap the benefits.  South could also be in a bit of trouble if Luck is hurt for an extended period of time.  Goff played alright against a terrible Indy D but once he gets to the meat of his schedule, having no other QB options could sink his season faster than a Lehman 4 bid.

Garrett is getting a head start on scouting potential rookies in college.

8.      Smells Low – Riley, you might want to get used to the view down here.  If you can’t put a stud RB that you just traded for in your lineup, you probably deserve to provide the food this year.  Unfortunately for the rest of us, that means ramen, microwave pot pies and Shasta at the draft.

Going to be one of those years for Riley.