Season 5 Playoffs

Round 1 is in the books and it turns out your humble moderators are awful at predictions.  Both teams we picked lost as the old adage proves true again; it’s tough to beat a team 3 straight times in fake football.  Both Mitch and South had swept their opponents this season but couldn’t cross the goal line when it really mattered.  Now we’re left with the prospect of either Lansink winning his 3^rd title or Lehman talking nonstop for the next year about how great he is at fantasy sportsing.  Kyle might honestly start wearing that trophy around his neck to cards every week if it becomes his property.  None of these outcomes are good.  Let’s just get on with the recap…

NNNOOOOOO!!!! We're left with Lazer and Lehman...

If We’re Using Logic defeats Play It Backwards

Nobody thought Lazer would be in this position with ODBag getting McAdoo fired and Matty Ice and Julio being more inconsistent than Patrek’s pitch philosophy.  Mitch had plowed through the regular season like Seth through Lansink’s sisters but it ended like Riley into a ditch.  We knew it was over when Brady and Wilson were held in check and Brown went down.  Lazer powered forward to his highest point total of the year on the backs of Shady McCoy, Gronk, Ingram (thanks Abel) and Minnesota’s D, which is probably why Mitch wants to eliminate Ds and Ks.  It was the old story of age and experience upstaging virility and talent.  With retirement a real possibility in the offseason, Lazer had better get his will in order and choose which of his kids he likes the most to inherit his dynasty. 

Ha ha ha, nice season Mitch.

Off Suit 10s defeats Fuck It Three

We’re so happy for Kyle (well, at least half of us are).  South has had his well-documented failures in the playoffs over the years but Kyle has been to the playoffs 3 times previously and was 0-6 in those playoff games.  Garrett clearly didn’t wanted to lose to Chris in the title game a 3^rd time.  This will be the first time in the league where South doesn’t lose to Lazer in Week 16.  He started hot when Hunt went off on Saturday night and Kyle thought he was done for.  But Gurley managed to one-up Hunt and then $cam, McCaffrey and Drake rose up and dumped ice water on South’s hot streak.  Hell, even Blake frick’n Bortles got into it.  And when you know Bortles is feeling it, the devil goes looking for a sweater. 

Hell finally froze over for Lehman.

Championship Preview – If We’re Using Logic vs. Off Suit 10s

OK, let’s get this season over with.  Chris and Kyle split the season series and both came into the playoffs on a losing streak.  Both have been missing one of their best players for most of the season and lucked themselves into this title game.  The similarities don’t stop there. Personally, both are natural salesmen as Kyle is usually peddling fake bank accounts or luxury RVs, while Chris is touting the American Dream as a slumlord to simpletons.  Both have a tendency to be loose with their card strategies and display extreme anger in situations where things don’t work out.  But while Kyle’s hawking his chances in this matchup like a new set of steak knives, we’re not buying what he’s selling.  He may be favored at this point and have some decent matchups, but there’s no way we can bet on Bortles to be competent this many times in a row.  And he has too many choices to make between Fitz, Bryant, Tate, Graham and Agholor to play his cards right for once.  This should make a very Merry Christmas eve for each family as the patriarchs spend the holidays staring at their phones rather than pretending to care about their children and the gifts they’ve received.  IWUL – 153.60, OS10s – 139.84

After retirement, Chris may take up speed walking as his next endeavor.

Consolation Preview – Play It Backwards vs. Fuck It Three

This is truly the “who gives a shit” game.  At least in the losers bracket, you can get some sweet draft capital.  The winner here ends up making $60 more than the loser but the loser gets a spot better in the draft.  Garrett certainly doesn’t need the money as he’s still charging his wife rent and Mitch’s just coasting with his sugar-momma Heidi raking it in.  Just like the Steelers at a Bengals game, we’re assuming these two will start their players that are most likely to get injured or ejected.  PIB 76.40-FIT – 68.48

These two will be left wondering "what if" all season.

Loser Bracket Check-In

Riley took a commanding 33 point lead in the clash for the #3 pick as Freeman ran through the Bucs like Abel through a case of Busch Light and Foles showed us that maybe Wentz was just a system QB.  Abel had better make the right picks this week or Lansink might only end up with his 3^rd title trophy and not the #3 pick as well.  We’re not sure how John Ross’s 2 rushing yards on the season are going to help him move up in the draft, but we’re sure Mark Ingram wouldn’t have helped at all.

For these 2 teams, this about says it all.

Seth sits at a 15 point lead over Finken in the Battle for Barkley®™.  Gordon and Baltimore’s D led AIE to his 2^nd highest point total since Week 6.  Finken had Rodgers back for one game but it didn’t do him any good.  We’ll see if Zeke can provide the spark he needs to overcome the deficit.  Even if Seth doesn’t pull this one off, he’s still sleeping with Lansink’s sister.  And really, that’s all that matters.

Seth coming home ever night...

And last on all...

Merry Christmas fuckers!

Season 5 - Playoff Preview

Week 14 is in the books which brings a close to the 5^th regular season of the Card Night Kangs.  As mentioned previously, the playoff field was already set so this past week was all about figuring out who Mitch and South would be matching up against in Round 1.  Despite being swept by the Nose in the regular season, Mitch finishes as the top seed with the best record and most points.  As usual, South went straight for the #2 hole, which sounds exciting at first but usually turn out pretty shitty.  The law firm of Lehman and Lansink were lucky that there was really no other contenders as both of them basically stumbled their way into the playoffs finishing a very Frank Solich-esque 7-7. 

But now it time to throw the records out and start with a clean slate.  Let’s look ahead to the matchups for the 1^st round of the playoffs…

Play It Backwards vs. If We’re Using Logic

These two fools hold 3 of the 4 championship trophies that we’ve awarded in our history but this matchup guarantees that only one of them will play for the title this year.  Mitch not only ran roughshod over the league this year, but especially against Lazer, sweeping the series by an average 186-139.  PIB is an early favorite but some of his matchups are not ideal and Kamara is still more concussed than a potential Joe Mixon hook-up.  IWUL on the other hand, is getting Gronk back in his lineup and has some much easier matchups from his key guys.  It’ll take a couple Lazer/Finken vs. Patrek/Abel style matchups for him to overcome the powerhouse that Mitch has built.

We’re predicting a win by PIB but it’ll be close enough to make Lansink’s pacemaker short out a few times.  Luckily, we’ll all get to witness as there should be at least 3-4 guys in this matchup playing Monday night while we’re all together at the Chicken Coop.  PIB 163.54 – IWUL 156.92

Fuck It Three vs. Off Suit 10s

OS10s limped into the playoffs on a 3-game losing streak and only hung onto the #3 seed because Lazer’s been just as bad.  He’s got a few rough matchups this week and appears to be relying on Blake Bortles to lead him to playoff glory now that Mariota’s banged up.  And if OS10s is the Chiefs, then FIT is the Chargers.  South’s won 5 in a row and destroyed Lehman in each of their matchups this year by an average of 43 points.  It also works as South’s probably got 8 kids out there somewhere, just like Rivers. 

South is a heavy favorite and we expect that to hold true as there seems to be no end to his dumb luck.  However, his pattern on the season indicates he’s due for 2 straight losses.  This matchup should be wrapped up by Monday night so Kyle will be able to focus his full attention on cheering against Lazer.  FIT 151.84 – OS10s 124.56

We’ll also take a gander in the Losers Bracket and keep track of who’s now playing for draft picks.  It’s probably good that we change the way we award the #1 pick, to the lowest scoring teams rather than the worst record.  The Book of Etiquette is pretty easy to follow but morals and above-table practices have never been a strong suit of this group.  Good luck gentlemen to 2 weeks of obscurity, or as Abel and Riley know it, reality.

I’m Out vs. Smells Low

It’s fitting that each of these teams failed at the simplest task.  All each had to do was lose and either would’ve fallen into the Suck for Sequon®™ sweepstakes.  But each pulled off improbable and meaningless victories that left them fighting over the 3^rd pick in the draft.  Did you hear that Chris?  You could’ve had the 1^st pick from Abel but now you’ll probably get #4.  No big deal right?  Actually now that those dirty, stinking Rams made Wentz’s knee swell up larger than Riley’s nose, SL is going to struggle to reach triple digits each of these weeks.  Honestly the best remaining player in this matchup might be Denver’s D or Pitt’s kicker.  With the 3^rd and 4^th picks at stake, hopefully Finken or Seth takes the 2018 version of Treadwell before one of these asshats can get their hands on him.

Ah It’s Early vs. Rollin 4 Deep

Well, there will be a rematch of last year’s title game.  Unfortunately, it’s in the Losers Bracket as both of these teams went from first to worst in 2017, kind of like Lansink when Seth joined the family.  Both teams are down this far because of major injuries and a ton of points being scored against them.  Like a couple of typical One Percenters, Seth and Finken rigged the system and hid their wealth of talent on IR in order to screw the little guys out of the Suck of Sequon®™. 

This should be a fairly even matchup for the 1^st pick as they split the regular season series and each averaged 154 in those games.  For the first time in a while, both of the teams competing for the 1^st pick actually own their picks so there should be genuine want-to.  AIE is a slight favorite but Finken looks to get Rodgers back this week and Elliott back next week.  No matter who wins, once their teams are each healthy next year, they should both jump right back into the playoff picture.  

Seaon 5 - Week 13

Week 13 is in the books and our 5^th regular season is one week away from concluding.  The playoff field is set although there is still matchups to figure out.  Mitch is set at the #1 seed and South is a solid, but nutty #2.  The cursed lovers of Kyle and Chris get to fight over who gets stuck playing Mitch in the 1^st round.  The draft-pick bracket is much more in flux as all of the losers except Abel are still vying for the 1^st pick.  One of Seth and Finken will make it as they’re playing each other and the loser will finish with the worst record.  Riley is almost a lock to be the other spot as he plays Mitch this week (currently a 31 point dog) and has a 100 point lead (?) on Abel if/when he loses to Chris.  This weekend is going to be more anticlimactic than Riley’s future wedding night.

Playoffs are almost here....

We’ll dive more into playoff matchups and predictions next week, but for now, on with the Power Rankings…

1.       Play It Backwards – Even without Antonio Brown in his lineup, Mitch posted high points on the week and nearly doubled up R4D’s helpless squad.  Right now, PIB has 3 of the top 4 QBs (which doesn’t include the QBs he traded away), 3 of the top 10 WRs, the 3^rd best RB and 2 first round picks.  We think it’s safe to say he’ll be a contender for the foreseeable future.  While it looked possible for Mitch to post one of the best season point totals at some point, he’ll have to settle for top 5 season score of all-time.  Since this last game is basically meaningless, PIB could either go easy on Riley and lock him into the 3^rd pick game and go for RB glory or piss pound him with his WRs into the 1^st pick game.  

Mitch dont' even need me this week, RB4LIFE

2.       Fuck It Three – South’s team is rounding into shape nicely at the right time.  He’s won 4 straight and scored over 155 in each match.  Amazingly enough, if FIT beats OS10s this week, his 2^nd half will exactly mirror his 1^st half, just as we predicted in Week 10.  He lost to R4D and PIB each time this year and swept the rest of his games.  Lucky for him, R4D didn’t get invited to the playoffs this year and he’ll only have to worry about PIB if he makes the title game.  At least that’s never been an issue for South before…

Yes the playoffs!!!  Wait, I suck at the playoffs...

3.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle’s team is doing the exact opposite of South’s.  He’s lost 2 in a row and since posting a score of 215 in Week 10, he hasn’t made it to 150 since.  With Ertz ailing, his 2 TE strategy could be more troublesome than asking Chris which card he should play.  He’ll need to make better roster decisions as we get into the playoffs as he left six 20+ scorers on the bench this week.  This entitles Kyle to the Cesaer Award as that would’ve guaranteed himself 3^rd place and helped him avoid the first-degree assault that Mitch is going to dole out in the first round.

Get that Cesaer award out of here.

4.       If We’re Using Logic – Luckily for Chris, he’s already in the playoffs because if it came down to Week 14, he could be in trouble.  Gronk went full Lansink-after-his-partner-Kyle-bids-4-over-him-with-A-Q-4-and-a-pair-of-offsuit-10s and got himself suspended for one game and now Ingram might be banged up.  Luckily all he has to beat is Abel and hope Kyle loses to South or hope that he outscores Kyle by 61 if their results match.  As outside spectators, we cannot wait until the Monday night text explosion once Pat’s D doesn’t quite get Chris there.  A 1^st round matchup against FIT would almost be the same as a bye as he’s 4-0 against South in 4 years of playoffs.  Statistics basically guarantee that trend to continue.

Temper, temper Chris, I mean Tom.

5.       Smells Low – Riley doesn’t belong here but he’s in the perfect spot.  He has almost no chance to beat Mitch which means he’ll fall to 5-9.  Since he has the least points by far (thanks to multiple sub 90 games), he’ll fall into the #1 pick game by default.  Good work Riley, I’m sure this is exactly how you drew it up.  We could all feel better about this knowing that he will be the 5^th different GM to have to provide food at the draft.  However, then we remember that Riley is an unemployed bee molester that will probably just show up to the draft with whatever is left in his mom’s freezer. 

Let's go get that first pick.

6.       I’m Out – Abel just barely snuck by Riley after 1^st-round equivalent Boswell nailed the winning FG on MNF.  The problem is that FG basically took him out of the #1 pick game.  If he would’ve lost, he’d have the same record as Finken and Seth and could’ve glided into that game after Lansink thrashed him this week.  Abel, you should’ve Abel’d when you could have but now you Abel’s yourself out of prime position.  But when we really think about it, maybe Abel’s smarter than we realize.  Lansink is the one who really owns Abel’s 1^st pick.  Maybe Jared wanted to stick it to his trade-raper and make sure Lazer ends up with the 4^th pick, not the first.  No Barkley for Lazer.  Bravo Abel, bravo.

Rollin’ 4 Deep/Ah It’s Early – Finken and Seth are in the same situation.  Same records and both have much higher point totals than Riley or Abel.  One of them is playing for the 1^st pick and the other will be playing for the 3^rd pick.  While in the interest of sportsmanship and fairness, they should probably start the best players they could and let the chips fall where they may.  However, we advocate that they try and out-tank each other by starting the worst “starters” who are actually playing on their roster.  This may be tough for Finken as half his roster isn’t active at this point but could make for a very interesting final week.

Who'll be dancing their way to Barkley?