Season 5 - Playoff Preview

Week 14 is in the books which brings a close to the 5^th regular season of the Card Night Kangs.  As mentioned previously, the playoff field was already set so this past week was all about figuring out who Mitch and South would be matching up against in Round 1.  Despite being swept by the Nose in the regular season, Mitch finishes as the top seed with the best record and most points.  As usual, South went straight for the #2 hole, which sounds exciting at first but usually turn out pretty shitty.  The law firm of Lehman and Lansink were lucky that there was really no other contenders as both of them basically stumbled their way into the playoffs finishing a very Frank Solich-esque 7-7. 

But now it time to throw the records out and start with a clean slate.  Let’s look ahead to the matchups for the 1^st round of the playoffs…

Play It Backwards vs. If We’re Using Logic

These two fools hold 3 of the 4 championship trophies that we’ve awarded in our history but this matchup guarantees that only one of them will play for the title this year.  Mitch not only ran roughshod over the league this year, but especially against Lazer, sweeping the series by an average 186-139.  PIB is an early favorite but some of his matchups are not ideal and Kamara is still more concussed than a potential Joe Mixon hook-up.  IWUL on the other hand, is getting Gronk back in his lineup and has some much easier matchups from his key guys.  It’ll take a couple Lazer/Finken vs. Patrek/Abel style matchups for him to overcome the powerhouse that Mitch has built.

We’re predicting a win by PIB but it’ll be close enough to make Lansink’s pacemaker short out a few times.  Luckily, we’ll all get to witness as there should be at least 3-4 guys in this matchup playing Monday night while we’re all together at the Chicken Coop.  PIB 163.54 – IWUL 156.92

Fuck It Three vs. Off Suit 10s

OS10s limped into the playoffs on a 3-game losing streak and only hung onto the #3 seed because Lazer’s been just as bad.  He’s got a few rough matchups this week and appears to be relying on Blake Bortles to lead him to playoff glory now that Mariota’s banged up.  And if OS10s is the Chiefs, then FIT is the Chargers.  South’s won 5 in a row and destroyed Lehman in each of their matchups this year by an average of 43 points.  It also works as South’s probably got 8 kids out there somewhere, just like Rivers. 

South is a heavy favorite and we expect that to hold true as there seems to be no end to his dumb luck.  However, his pattern on the season indicates he’s due for 2 straight losses.  This matchup should be wrapped up by Monday night so Kyle will be able to focus his full attention on cheering against Lazer.  FIT 151.84 – OS10s 124.56

We’ll also take a gander in the Losers Bracket and keep track of who’s now playing for draft picks.  It’s probably good that we change the way we award the #1 pick, to the lowest scoring teams rather than the worst record.  The Book of Etiquette is pretty easy to follow but morals and above-table practices have never been a strong suit of this group.  Good luck gentlemen to 2 weeks of obscurity, or as Abel and Riley know it, reality.

I’m Out vs. Smells Low

It’s fitting that each of these teams failed at the simplest task.  All each had to do was lose and either would’ve fallen into the Suck for Sequon®™ sweepstakes.  But each pulled off improbable and meaningless victories that left them fighting over the 3^rd pick in the draft.  Did you hear that Chris?  You could’ve had the 1^st pick from Abel but now you’ll probably get #4.  No big deal right?  Actually now that those dirty, stinking Rams made Wentz’s knee swell up larger than Riley’s nose, SL is going to struggle to reach triple digits each of these weeks.  Honestly the best remaining player in this matchup might be Denver’s D or Pitt’s kicker.  With the 3^rd and 4^th picks at stake, hopefully Finken or Seth takes the 2018 version of Treadwell before one of these asshats can get their hands on him.

Ah It’s Early vs. Rollin 4 Deep

Well, there will be a rematch of last year’s title game.  Unfortunately, it’s in the Losers Bracket as both of these teams went from first to worst in 2017, kind of like Lansink when Seth joined the family.  Both teams are down this far because of major injuries and a ton of points being scored against them.  Like a couple of typical One Percenters, Seth and Finken rigged the system and hid their wealth of talent on IR in order to screw the little guys out of the Suck of Sequon®™. 

This should be a fairly even matchup for the 1^st pick as they split the regular season series and each averaged 154 in those games.  For the first time in a while, both of the teams competing for the 1^st pick actually own their picks so there should be genuine want-to.  AIE is a slight favorite but Finken looks to get Rodgers back this week and Elliott back next week.  No matter who wins, once their teams are each healthy next year, they should both jump right back into the playoff picture.