Season 5 Playoffs

Round 1 is in the books and it turns out your humble moderators are awful at predictions.  Both teams we picked lost as the old adage proves true again; it’s tough to beat a team 3 straight times in fake football.  Both Mitch and South had swept their opponents this season but couldn’t cross the goal line when it really mattered.  Now we’re left with the prospect of either Lansink winning his 3^rd title or Lehman talking nonstop for the next year about how great he is at fantasy sportsing.  Kyle might honestly start wearing that trophy around his neck to cards every week if it becomes his property.  None of these outcomes are good.  Let’s just get on with the recap…

NNNOOOOOO!!!! We're left with Lazer and Lehman...

If We’re Using Logic defeats Play It Backwards

Nobody thought Lazer would be in this position with ODBag getting McAdoo fired and Matty Ice and Julio being more inconsistent than Patrek’s pitch philosophy.  Mitch had plowed through the regular season like Seth through Lansink’s sisters but it ended like Riley into a ditch.  We knew it was over when Brady and Wilson were held in check and Brown went down.  Lazer powered forward to his highest point total of the year on the backs of Shady McCoy, Gronk, Ingram (thanks Abel) and Minnesota’s D, which is probably why Mitch wants to eliminate Ds and Ks.  It was the old story of age and experience upstaging virility and talent.  With retirement a real possibility in the offseason, Lazer had better get his will in order and choose which of his kids he likes the most to inherit his dynasty. 

Ha ha ha, nice season Mitch.

Off Suit 10s defeats Fuck It Three

We’re so happy for Kyle (well, at least half of us are).  South has had his well-documented failures in the playoffs over the years but Kyle has been to the playoffs 3 times previously and was 0-6 in those playoff games.  Garrett clearly didn’t wanted to lose to Chris in the title game a 3^rd time.  This will be the first time in the league where South doesn’t lose to Lazer in Week 16.  He started hot when Hunt went off on Saturday night and Kyle thought he was done for.  But Gurley managed to one-up Hunt and then $cam, McCaffrey and Drake rose up and dumped ice water on South’s hot streak.  Hell, even Blake frick’n Bortles got into it.  And when you know Bortles is feeling it, the devil goes looking for a sweater. 

Hell finally froze over for Lehman.

Championship Preview – If We’re Using Logic vs. Off Suit 10s

OK, let’s get this season over with.  Chris and Kyle split the season series and both came into the playoffs on a losing streak.  Both have been missing one of their best players for most of the season and lucked themselves into this title game.  The similarities don’t stop there. Personally, both are natural salesmen as Kyle is usually peddling fake bank accounts or luxury RVs, while Chris is touting the American Dream as a slumlord to simpletons.  Both have a tendency to be loose with their card strategies and display extreme anger in situations where things don’t work out.  But while Kyle’s hawking his chances in this matchup like a new set of steak knives, we’re not buying what he’s selling.  He may be favored at this point and have some decent matchups, but there’s no way we can bet on Bortles to be competent this many times in a row.  And he has too many choices to make between Fitz, Bryant, Tate, Graham and Agholor to play his cards right for once.  This should make a very Merry Christmas eve for each family as the patriarchs spend the holidays staring at their phones rather than pretending to care about their children and the gifts they’ve received.  IWUL – 153.60, OS10s – 139.84

After retirement, Chris may take up speed walking as his next endeavor.

Consolation Preview – Play It Backwards vs. Fuck It Three

This is truly the “who gives a shit” game.  At least in the losers bracket, you can get some sweet draft capital.  The winner here ends up making $60 more than the loser but the loser gets a spot better in the draft.  Garrett certainly doesn’t need the money as he’s still charging his wife rent and Mitch’s just coasting with his sugar-momma Heidi raking it in.  Just like the Steelers at a Bengals game, we’re assuming these two will start their players that are most likely to get injured or ejected.  PIB 76.40-FIT – 68.48

These two will be left wondering "what if" all season.

Loser Bracket Check-In

Riley took a commanding 33 point lead in the clash for the #3 pick as Freeman ran through the Bucs like Abel through a case of Busch Light and Foles showed us that maybe Wentz was just a system QB.  Abel had better make the right picks this week or Lansink might only end up with his 3^rd title trophy and not the #3 pick as well.  We’re not sure how John Ross’s 2 rushing yards on the season are going to help him move up in the draft, but we’re sure Mark Ingram wouldn’t have helped at all.

For these 2 teams, this about says it all.

Seth sits at a 15 point lead over Finken in the Battle for Barkley®™.  Gordon and Baltimore’s D led AIE to his 2^nd highest point total since Week 6.  Finken had Rodgers back for one game but it didn’t do him any good.  We’ll see if Zeke can provide the spark he needs to overcome the deficit.  Even if Seth doesn’t pull this one off, he’s still sleeping with Lansink’s sister.  And really, that’s all that matters.

Seth coming home ever night...

And last on all...

Merry Christmas fuckers!