Seaon 5 - Week 13

Week 13 is in the books and our 5^th regular season is one week away from concluding.  The playoff field is set although there is still matchups to figure out.  Mitch is set at the #1 seed and South is a solid, but nutty #2.  The cursed lovers of Kyle and Chris get to fight over who gets stuck playing Mitch in the 1^st round.  The draft-pick bracket is much more in flux as all of the losers except Abel are still vying for the 1^st pick.  One of Seth and Finken will make it as they’re playing each other and the loser will finish with the worst record.  Riley is almost a lock to be the other spot as he plays Mitch this week (currently a 31 point dog) and has a 100 point lead (?) on Abel if/when he loses to Chris.  This weekend is going to be more anticlimactic than Riley’s future wedding night.

Playoffs are almost here....

We’ll dive more into playoff matchups and predictions next week, but for now, on with the Power Rankings…

1.       Play It Backwards – Even without Antonio Brown in his lineup, Mitch posted high points on the week and nearly doubled up R4D’s helpless squad.  Right now, PIB has 3 of the top 4 QBs (which doesn’t include the QBs he traded away), 3 of the top 10 WRs, the 3^rd best RB and 2 first round picks.  We think it’s safe to say he’ll be a contender for the foreseeable future.  While it looked possible for Mitch to post one of the best season point totals at some point, he’ll have to settle for top 5 season score of all-time.  Since this last game is basically meaningless, PIB could either go easy on Riley and lock him into the 3^rd pick game and go for RB glory or piss pound him with his WRs into the 1^st pick game.  

Mitch dont' even need me this week, RB4LIFE

2.       Fuck It Three – South’s team is rounding into shape nicely at the right time.  He’s won 4 straight and scored over 155 in each match.  Amazingly enough, if FIT beats OS10s this week, his 2^nd half will exactly mirror his 1^st half, just as we predicted in Week 10.  He lost to R4D and PIB each time this year and swept the rest of his games.  Lucky for him, R4D didn’t get invited to the playoffs this year and he’ll only have to worry about PIB if he makes the title game.  At least that’s never been an issue for South before…

Yes the playoffs!!!  Wait, I suck at the playoffs...

3.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle’s team is doing the exact opposite of South’s.  He’s lost 2 in a row and since posting a score of 215 in Week 10, he hasn’t made it to 150 since.  With Ertz ailing, his 2 TE strategy could be more troublesome than asking Chris which card he should play.  He’ll need to make better roster decisions as we get into the playoffs as he left six 20+ scorers on the bench this week.  This entitles Kyle to the Cesaer Award as that would’ve guaranteed himself 3^rd place and helped him avoid the first-degree assault that Mitch is going to dole out in the first round.

Get that Cesaer award out of here.

4.       If We’re Using Logic – Luckily for Chris, he’s already in the playoffs because if it came down to Week 14, he could be in trouble.  Gronk went full Lansink-after-his-partner-Kyle-bids-4-over-him-with-A-Q-4-and-a-pair-of-offsuit-10s and got himself suspended for one game and now Ingram might be banged up.  Luckily all he has to beat is Abel and hope Kyle loses to South or hope that he outscores Kyle by 61 if their results match.  As outside spectators, we cannot wait until the Monday night text explosion once Pat’s D doesn’t quite get Chris there.  A 1^st round matchup against FIT would almost be the same as a bye as he’s 4-0 against South in 4 years of playoffs.  Statistics basically guarantee that trend to continue.

Temper, temper Chris, I mean Tom.

5.       Smells Low – Riley doesn’t belong here but he’s in the perfect spot.  He has almost no chance to beat Mitch which means he’ll fall to 5-9.  Since he has the least points by far (thanks to multiple sub 90 games), he’ll fall into the #1 pick game by default.  Good work Riley, I’m sure this is exactly how you drew it up.  We could all feel better about this knowing that he will be the 5^th different GM to have to provide food at the draft.  However, then we remember that Riley is an unemployed bee molester that will probably just show up to the draft with whatever is left in his mom’s freezer. 

Let's go get that first pick.

6.       I’m Out – Abel just barely snuck by Riley after 1^st-round equivalent Boswell nailed the winning FG on MNF.  The problem is that FG basically took him out of the #1 pick game.  If he would’ve lost, he’d have the same record as Finken and Seth and could’ve glided into that game after Lansink thrashed him this week.  Abel, you should’ve Abel’d when you could have but now you Abel’s yourself out of prime position.  But when we really think about it, maybe Abel’s smarter than we realize.  Lansink is the one who really owns Abel’s 1^st pick.  Maybe Jared wanted to stick it to his trade-raper and make sure Lazer ends up with the 4^th pick, not the first.  No Barkley for Lazer.  Bravo Abel, bravo.

Rollin’ 4 Deep/Ah It’s Early – Finken and Seth are in the same situation.  Same records and both have much higher point totals than Riley or Abel.  One of them is playing for the 1^st pick and the other will be playing for the 3^rd pick.  While in the interest of sportsmanship and fairness, they should probably start the best players they could and let the chips fall where they may.  However, we advocate that they try and out-tank each other by starting the worst “starters” who are actually playing on their roster.  This may be tough for Finken as half his roster isn’t active at this point but could make for a very interesting final week.

Who'll be dancing their way to Barkley?