Season 6 - Week 12

Week 12 is in the books and we’re only 2 weeks away from the close of season 6.  While some things are coming into focus, there are still playoff spots up for grabs.  In looking at all the scenarios, it’s hard to imagine that the final playoff spot doesn’t come down to the points tie-breaker, most likely between Finken, Mitch and South.  So please take note, you should try and score as many points as possible each week (Abel, write this down).

We thought we’d do something different this week after having time to go through some thoughtful reflection upon our lives over the Thanksgiving break.  We decided to reflect on what each team and owner should be thankful for within the confines of the Card Night Kangs and our power rankings…

1.       If We’re Using Logic – This year, it’s been luck that Chris should be thankful for.  As previously noted, Chris has been the lowest scoring winner in now 7 out of his 10 wins.  He would’ve gotten smoked by the other 3 playoff teams (as of now) and was fortunate Nuk didn’t have even an average night on MNF.  He’s now the 5^th highest scoring team in the league but can wrap up the #1 seed (essentially since his final game is against Abel) by beating the surging FITs.  And as luck would have it, Gordon going down could make Ekeler an RB1 for the next few weeks.  We know Chris likes to think he has a plan but no one rostering Eli Manning could’ve thought that through that much. 

At some point and at his age, luck is only going to let him clear the bar for so long.

2.       Off Suit 10s – First and foremost, it’s Sean McVay for saving Gurley’s career.  But really, it’s a few fortunate trades that got him to this point.  First it was Seth trading up to #1 in 2015 to draft Amari and Gordon in front of Gurley.  Then it was South who wanted Diggs back and basically threw in McCaffrey to get him.  Then it was Mitch drafting too many QBs in 2017 and having to take $.20 on the dollar for Watson rather than cut him.  This is what built the juggernaut that has posted six 200 point games since Week 10 last year and is the odds on favorite to repeat as champ.  Kyle can still grab the #1 seed should Lazer falter down the stretch.  Your humble moderators are proposing a rule that should Kyle get the #1 seed, he should have to call out Lazer for round 1.  It’s the only fitting way for this to go. 

Kyle and Chris heading to a possible playoff showdown.

3.       Rollin’4 Deep – Finken has a few things to be thankful for.  First it’s generational RBs and the combo of Riley and Abel being bad at being bad last year.  Zeke and Barkley should continue to hold his team in the top half for the next 5 year at least.  There’s also Drew Brees mole, which has thankfully remaining benign and allowed him to play at a level not seen since Riley’s frat days at ISU.  Finken remains in good position for the playoffs with a game lead on the other contenders and 2^nd most points.  He can lock up a spot with a win over either Mitch or Seth, which will be a bright spot for him since his Huskers and Iggles seasons have been over for some time now.

Finken's sure this offseason will be much different than the previous 20 years for Nebraska.

4.       Fuck It Three – Garrett is thankful for Tyreeeeek no longer being into choking girlfriends, which has allowed him to become the #2 WR on the season (friendly reminder, Abel drafted him in the 6^th round in 2016).  With Hill and his endless supply of mid-level RB depth, he’s moved into position to make the playoffs despite Bell pulling a Riley in South America and numerous other injuries on the year.  He had better hope everyone comes back next year at full health since he barely has enough draft picks left to replace even his beloved K and D positions next season. 

Just like his beloved cats, South lands on his feet again.

5.       Play It Backwards – We were tempted to put the forward pass for Mitch based on his love of WRs but it can’t apply to someone who runs Indianola’s RBs into the ground like him.  Instead Mitch should be thankful for the Miami Dolphins team doctors.  They failed Brees physical and allowed him to sign with the Saints.  This then allowed Kamara and Thomas to become the only thing this year keeping his disappointment cruise afloat.  After getting wrecked by Lehman this past week, Mitch falls ever closer to missing the playoffs.  Watching his team last weekend, Mitch was having a worse Thanksgiving than Tiger back in 2009.

After seeing his performance this year, Indianola's looking into the Hue-ing Mitch out of town.

6.       Ah It’s Early – Seth is thankful for all of his players in the western divisions, which makes up a bulk of his roster (especially before Amari started screaming Get me outta here!).  Mahomes looks like he could be the #1 dynasty QB for some time and Keenan, DJ and Gordon will keep him competitive.  But losing that matchup to his brother-in-law was probably the nail in the coffin this season with Gordon now hurt and OS10s and R4D coming next.  As previously noted, his season was built on wins against Riley, Abel and South and getting mouth tuggers from the #1 seed’s sister.  While that’s great fodder for the rankings, not exactly a recipe for playoff success.

Rodgers and Seth's roster just hasn't looked right all year.

7.       Smells Low – Riley is thankful for Abel this year, which should allow him to cross the 3 win threshold and get him off the hook for suppling the food at the upcoming draft. It’s been a terrible year for Riley but he’s made the best of it by trading some assets away and setting himself up for the next few drafts.  If he makes the right moves in the offseason, his team could compete for a playoff spot next year.  He could also win the lottery and begin dating a good-looking straight girl…but I think we all know the odds of that.

This is most likely the most Riley is getting during these long winter months.

8.       I’m Out – As always, Abel is thankful for Busch Light which is about all he has at this point to ease the pain with.  And we had better get used to it because what do you think will be the beverage of choice at the draft? 

 

Abel's 0-12, a tradition unlike any other.

Hot Take Trade Analysis

Note: we’re not going to discuss the ridiculous Bortles trade situation since Riley will (should) probably drop him before the season ends. 

South gets N Chubb and Abel’s 2020 2^nd round pick

Abel gets J Landry, C Carson, A Collins, Lansink’s 2019 1^st and South’s 2020 1^st

South is going all in and getting a Chubb for his playoffs stretch, which he hopes is enough to avoid missing the playoffs for the first time since the inaugural season.  This really rounds out his starting roster despite all of the injuries and makes him a formidable opponent against the other 3 playoff teams. 

Abel is getting a solid PPR WR with an up-and-coming QB, 2 mid-level RBs that are better than half the RBs on his team and 2 first round draft picks which if used properly by drafting or trading, could really boost him out of the league’s cellar.  But let’s be honest folks, the cellar is where all the Busch Light belongs.

Southie hoping Chubb puts him over the top to final taste sweet victory.

One final note, we just wanted to say that we’re very thankful for this league and our ability to do these rankings every few weeks.  It’s by far the funnest (definitely a word) league that we’re involved in and enjoy the year-round banter that it entails.  But mostly we’re thankful that one of the members is banging another’s sister to provide consistent material on top of the usual, stale jokes about each other. 

Season 6 - Week 11

Week 11 is in the books which leaves only 3 weeks remaining of CNK’s regular fake football season.  It’s been an eventful past few weeks which has resulted in everyone still being in play for the playoffs, except Riley and Abel of course.  The scoring has been chaotic as the past 2 weeks have seen multiple 200+ point games from teams that haven’t had one in 5+ years.  We’ve also seen the dramatic fall from grace of Lehman and his arch nemesis taking over the #1 spot.  With those 2 essentially assured a spot in the playoffs, which leaves 4 teams fighting for the remaining 2 spots.  This means there probably won’t be much selling at the trade deadline as Abel and Riley don’t have anything to sell and the rest is trying to secure their ticket to the playoffs. 

A couple if quick reminders.  First, there’s 3 games on Thursday (cough, Abel) so don’t forget (cough, Abel) to set your lineup (cough, Abel) before stuffing your face.  Also, don’t forget the trade deadline is on Saturday the 24^th and I’m sure at least Kyle and Riley is still up for some wheeling and dealing.  We’re sure Mitch is still looking for that extra 1^st round pick as well. 

We realize that the rankings have been on break for the past few weeks but we needed a couple weeks of candy-loading and golfing in FL to get our minds right in preparation for the stretch run.   We wanted to do a quick recap of the past few weeks and preview the remaining slate.  And now, on with the Power Rankings…

 

Let's get ready for the stretch run boys.

1.       If We’re Using Logic – It seems fitting that Chris has scored the 4^th most points in the league this year but now sits atop the standings.  We’re not saying he doesn’t deserve it but 6 out of Chris’s 9 wins were when he posted the lowest winning score of the week.  We tried to rig the standings within Yahoo but he noticed too quickly.  But he’s won 7 in a row and is now almost guaranteed the #1 seed with the easiest finishing schedule (Seth, South, Abel).  With Chris’s ascension to the top of the standings and Lehman’s fall, their relationship has been rockier than usual lately.  Rumor has it Kyle is removing Chris as his emergency pitch consultant. 

Julio started scoring TDs?  Uh oh...

2.       Off Suit 10s – After starting the season on fire winning 8 in a row, Kyle has now lost 3 in a row and drops from the #1 spot for the first time this year.  Another bad sign was that Gurley was spotted entering the Mayo Clinic in southern MN after the MNF game.  It’s been rumored that he’s suffering from some herniated discs in his back from carrying Kyle’s team going back to late last year and it’s finally given up on him.  It might be a good thing he won’t end up with the #1 seed based on how many times he’s added/dropped Larry Fitzgerald this year.  He’d probably have a hard time deciding on who to choose as his matchup.  He’ll have to make due this week without Gurley against Mitch or risk falling further in the standings, which is not how he wins that set of steak knives. 

I did my best Kyle, tell that bum Gurley to step it up.

3.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Despite mixed results the past few weeks, Finken has managed to stay atop the #3-4 seed battle royal by taking down Lehman this week.  Like Riley’s WR corps to start the season, he had 4 guys over 30 and posted his first 200 point game since 2014.  And now he won’t have to worry about Bell reporting and making his Conner stock worth less than Nebraska bowl game tickets.  With a 1 game lead and Riley on deck, he’ll probably only need to win one of his matchups with Mitch and Seth to close out the season and secure a playoff berth.  At least he has a chance at a title, it doesn't too promising for his Eagles.

Don't care, won the Super Bowl.

4.       Play It Backwards – If we were to name a disappointment of the year, it’d have to be PIB at this point.  Your humble moderators assumed that he would’ve sliced thru this league early this year like Cedar Falls thru his Indians.  Although he’s has underperformed, he’s still in good position to make the playoffs with the 3^rd highest points and a game against Riley left.  However, he probably needs to beat either Kyle or Finken to punch his ticket.  But with Mariota and Trubisky dinged up and Alex Smith getting Theisman’d, he might have to get creative at the QB spot.   Otherwise he’ll be left with scouting which WR he’ll be taking with the 3^rd pick. 

I've only been able to carry you so far this year Mitch. 

5.       Ah It’s Early – Seth has kept himself afloat by taking down the other three bottom half teams over the past three weeks.  But the schedule is about to flip as he’s staring down by far the hardest path to the playoffs with Chris, Kyle and Finken remaining, a stretch in which he went 0-3 earlier this year.  Plus he’ll have to get it done against Lazer next week without Mahomes.  But if there’s one thing Seth knows how to do, it’s spank a Lansink (What?  We’ll keep in PG for now…)

As always, Seth owns the Lansink family belt.

6.       Fuck It Three – Much like his blood sugar level, South’s season has been quite the roller coaster.  Despite a new injury each week (RIP Kerryon), he’s still in play for the last playoff spot but he has to get through Chris and Kyle first.  And like we mentioned about Seth earlier, Garrett was 0-2 in blowout matchups against those teams earlier this season.  Luckily his big bye week is against Abel next week where he won’t have Goff, Hill or Kelce.  Once again, things just working out for Garrett in the end. 

I'm going to lose Garrett so much money this year.

7.       Smells Low – In an ode to his frat days, Riley got his sh*t pushed in this week by South.  DThomas posted a goose egg and he had 5 other players in single digits.  What’s incredible is just one week ago, Riley posted a 202 and took down the defending champ, which was the only time this year he’s scored over 163.  He’s got the opportunity to play spoiler to close the season with matchups against Finken and Mitch.  He and Abel already have the #1 pick series locked up so he might as well try to salvage some dignity.  Well, as much as anyone can that driving that van.

It's cold and flu season, be careful when around Riley.

8.       I’m Out – It finally happened.  Abel started an inactive player (Marvin Jones) and posted the 5^th lowest total score in the history of the league.  South, make sure you get the number for Dominos ready when we all show up to draft.

Season 6 - Week 8

Week 8 is in the books and the rankings have been rescued from the depths of Lehman’s psyche (just kidding, thanks for doing them last week Kyle).  We only have 6 weeks of the regular season left so teams had better make their move now or it’ll be too late.  Not much has changed over the past few weeks, the two headed Gureilen Beast has guaranteed Kyle a playoffs spot while Riley and Abel are guaranteed to be playing for the #1 pick.  Everyone else is still in play either way.  And speaking of making a move, a reminder that the trade deadline of Thanksgiving weekend is fast approaching so make sure to get all your trades in to Lehman and Riley for them to haggle over.  We’re sure Abel will respond to each offer at least by the trade deadline…allegedly. 

And now on with the rankings…

1.       Off Suit 10s – Big surprise, Kyle bested his Winterset foe and remained unbeaten while keeping Abel winless.  He posted his 3^rd 200 point game of the year and is cruising through this league like Riley through a box of Kleenex during flu season.  Kyle also has 3 of the top 10 players in fantasy this year and 3 of the top 14 RBs but that isn’t stopping him from trying to acquire more talent.  He’s going all out this year to win it all again and is going to be very displeased when the league votes to force any three-peat champ to trade teams with Abel.

All hail King Lehman's reign!

2.       If We’re Using Logic – As the rankings noted a few weeks ago, Chris had a pretty easy schedule coming up and 4 straight Ws was more probable than seeing boobies at Apple River.  Well that prediction has come to pass and now he’s sitting in 2^nd place with a chance to move to the top of the ladder by knocking off his arch-nemesis this weekend.  It’ll be a tall order to compete with Lehman’s roster especially with Eli and Bortles on bye (and ODBag) but Kyle’s got a bunch of guys on bye as well.  If anyone’s going to ruffle Kyle’s firm-part this year, it’ll be Chris dragging him down to his lowest score of the year rather than Chris actually putting up a good week.

Chris thinks he can beat Kyle without me?!?!?

3.       Play It Backwards – Mitch got back on a winning streak by sweeping the season series with Seth and is back up to 2^nd in total points.  He stands to go on his own little run here with a bye-ridden South this week and Abel up next week before taking on Lazer and Lehman.  He controls his own destiny and could still easily find himself in the #1 playoff spot.  If history is any indicator, that’s not a good place for him.  He also lacks any real life playoff experience as Indianola typically gets rolled like faster than Abel through a case of Busch Light.

Mitch's right back on track.

4.       Fuck It Three – While South is still technically out of the playoffs as of today, he did just beat Finken and he probably won’t stay here long after his match-up with Mitch so we’ll give it to him this week.  Plus, he did show up to Lazer’s party almost naked leaving all of our wives hotter than a pedophile handing out Halloween candy.  He thought the injury might ease up but they just keep coming faster than Bell can jetski thru his retirement fund.  Now Big Ben has a broken finger, Michel is banged up and Tyreek is needing Mrs. South to come message his strained groin.  And to make matters worse, Ty Montgomery gets traded to Baltimore further diminishing his 37 wagers on Alex Collins this year.  However, no one will be surprised when Southie luck will kick in and Collins scoring twice a game will propel FIT to the playoffs and Collins into the top 12.

And make the playoffs...and win at cards...and get every break...but mostly the boat.

5.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken was the closest one to Cesaer-ing the week away by playing Golladay over a few options.  However he really just couldn’t withstand his QBs underperforming, much like Finken during No-Shave November.  Conner, Barkley and Evans did all they could and all Brees had to do was outscore stupid Diggs and his stupid face on SNF (not that one of us is bitter).  Luckily R4D’s Abel bye week comes at the perfect time and Finken will attempt to do to Abel what Nebraska did to those boat-rowing clowns up north. 

Finken watching SNF.

6.       Ah It’s Early – Despite having the #1 player in fantasy so far this year, Seth continues to underperform outside of the Lansink family tree.  He’s now lost 4 in a row and is on the brink of being out of the playoffs completely.  AIE needs to win his next 3 match-ups against Riley, South and Abel before finishing with three of the better rosters to have any hope of contending.  He had better pray that Amari heading to Dallas and Sutton’s new starting role are enough to boost his weekly totals.  Otherwise, his only consolation will be impregnating Lazer’s sister a 4^th time.

No playoffs?  Doesn't matter...more practice.... 

7.       Smells Low – Well Riley, you took Abel off the hook for one thing this year.  You managed to post the first sub-100 point game of the season.  We do need to marvel at this for a second as he left arguably his best RB (A Jones, especially now that Ty Montgomery is gone) on the bench for a practice squad RB no one has heard of that scored 1.8 points AS WELL AS playing a second TE who didn’t even receive a target.  Well done.  Hopefully he was this potent with his Tinder date after the Halloween party or he might be shoveling shit out of a diaper instead of a cattle yard soon enough.  I’m sure she’ll have fun telling her child about the time her dad picked her up for their first date in a rapist van.

The van does have a track record of success now.

8.       I’m Out – Everyone notice the Browns finally pulled the trigger and unloaded their dead weight?