And then he got home and it was more like...
Next, let's see how Chris was handling the end of MNF...
If We’re Using Logic defeats Rollin’ 4 Deep 142.38-142.14
As of the publish time, there has not been stat correction to rectify
the injustice that was perpetrated in this matchup. Chris’s squad, who shouldn’t have even made
the playoffs but fell into the #1 seed, once again got lucky that ODBag was out
and was forced to switch him for D Henry, who apparently has become AP in his
prime. Hilariously Chris started 2 TEs
that netted him a total of 6 points but managed to hang on by 0.26 thanks to a
late Ingram 3 yard run and a kneel down by Brees. All Finken needed was for Brees to do
something…anything. But alas, it was not
in the cards. Fortunately for Chris, his
“last playoff experience for the next half decade” is carrying on a little
longer than anyone anticipated. However, should a stat change be warranted? You be the judge, we're calling bullshit on Lazer's victory.
 |
| Finken certainly didn't see this one coming. |
Fuck It Three defeats Off Suit 10s 163.56-154.90
Kyle has put up a record amount of points all year long. However, after starting 8-0, he went on to
finish a mere 1-5 and that trend continued once the playoffs began. Gurley and Watson did their normal thing but
Ertz and Thielen had helped carry his squad all year and both laid an egg in
the most important week. All he needed
on MNF was for $cam and CMC to combine for 42 points, something they’d easily
done most weeks. But the vaunted Saints
D battered $cam all night and held him to his lowest point total of the
year. There just weren’t enough 5 yard
dump-offs to CMC to make up the difference.
Now Kyle gets to rebrand to the #PeoplesFormerChamp. Southy got a hot start to Sunday with Cook
and Mixon combining for a Derrick Henry (200 yds and 4 TDs). However, the rest of his skill players were
lackluster at best, similar to his skills in the bedroom. It’s ironic that the main proponent behind
removing K and D would not have won this matchup without them. It doesn’t matter if he wants it to or not,
things just always seem to work out for him…on the golf course…at the pitch
table…on Yahoo fantasy…or Pornhub seamlessly connecting to his Bluetooth.
 |
| Mixon powers South to another title matchup with Lazer. |
Championship Preview – If We’re
Using Logic vs. Fuck It Three
On paper, this shouldn’t even be close.
IWUL has been a paper tiger all year that has been fortunate to have the
right matchups at the right time. His
starters look decent with some good matchups but he doesn’t have many viable
options to choose from on the bench, especially if ODBag is still out. Gus Edwards is going up against a Chargers D
that just gave up 30+ points to a group of backup named Williams and Derrick
Henry has scored more in the past week than Riley at the Pinocchio
festival. It’s no secret that Chris
likes a good tight end but there’s no way he’ll be brave enough to start two of
them in back-to-back weekends. If his
frat days are any indication, 2 tight ends are more than his is capable of
effectively managing. He’ll need multiple
TDs from the Julio-Ryan connection if he wants a chance at extending his finals
record to 3-0 against Garrett.
FIT has won 5 straight and his squad seems to be firing on all cylinders. His strong depth (in fantasy only) will
likely open the door for plenty of second-guessing as championship week
progresses, similar to his choice of dating one girl throughout his college
years. He is an early 20+ point favorite
with Cook and Mixon coming on stronger than Abel at a mid-2000s NASCAR speed
dating event. With no relevant picks
left in his draft arsenal, FIT had better hope the team he’s assembled is championship
worthy now or he’ll be stuck playing waiver wire pocket pool for the next two
years.
Prediction: With the other six managers rooting for him, FIT avoids
making it 6 straight finished-one-spot-behind-Chris and takes home the
hardware. 174.50-136.24
 |
| We don't see the Titans OL doing it again for Henry. |
One more quick check in with Finken realizing he should've been in this game...
3rd Place Preview –
Off Suit 10s vs. Rollin’ 4 Deep
In the past 7 weeks, Riley has three times as many wins as Kyle
does. And if that’s not depressing
enough, Kyle goes from possibly repeating as champ to playing for an extra
$40. Woo hoo! Speaking of depressed, we’ll be surprised if
Finken gathers the strength to set an official lineup this week. Word is he never actually left his Chicken
Coop seat as he still can’t believe he lost a shot at the title by 0.26 points. Kyle is heavily favored and should win easily
but he’s also failed to do this in numerous weeks so we really wouldn’t be
surprised if these teams both lose. At
least Kyle can look forward to his 3 top-12 TEs bet with Lazer paying off.
Prediction: Barkley makes up for laying an egg last week and Zeke hits
the end zone harder than (removed due to questionable content) to lead Finken
to the bronze. 185.96 – 178.46
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| If Finken wins this one, we're sure he won't be thinking of what could've (should've) been. |
Now let’s check in on the consolation brackets. Mitch is currently leading Seth in the race
for the 3rd pick by 5.8 points.
Mitch is favored slightly going into the final week but Seth should get
back Gordon and Allen, albeit in a bad match-up with the Ravens. The odds may be long but that’s something the
Johnson household is very comfortable with.
PIB gets Thomas and Kamara playing at home against the Steelers in what
will likely be a shootout that would make John Wayne proud. Brady should be in
jail based on the number of beatings he’s doled out to Buffalo over the years
and Davante Adams has taken over as the #1 WR in the league. It’s a good thing Riley now has the #10 QB
and was able to dump 2 old WRs into the free market instead of having to carry
the #1 WR in the league on his roster all year.
Prediction: Mitch pulls away from Seth as it’s no longer early.
 |
| This is about how many people care about this match-up. |
Now live from the dumpster, we bring you the 1st pick
preview. Abel went defeated this year
but has managed a 22.2 lead over Riley in hopes of being able to trade the 1st
pick away to Mitch. While he technically
started a full lineup last week, the decisions were about as sound as Riley’s
thought process in buying his van. We’ll
see if he adjusts his lineup and starts a reasonable player at RB this week,
which should be easier since Aaron Jones is now on the IR (hint, hint). At least he’ll be in the catbird seat after
this weekend to clean up on all the remaining free agents with his $100
FAAB. You guys didn’t think Abel was
playing the long game? Riley currently
has 9 guys on IR so unlike his GRINDR app, he’s running out of options for his
open slots. He’s relying more heavily on
the 49ers offense than Trump relies on his foundation to keep the money out of
the hands of the poor. If the 49ers
score 50+ against the Bears D this weekend, we’ll take Riley.
Prediction: Abel’s on the clock (until someone convinces him to trade
it for aging spare parts)
 |
| Riley's really blowing this one. |
Merry Christmas fuckers!
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