Season 4 - Week 15

Round 1 of the playoffs has come and gone and we are left with that warm fuzzy feeling that we’ll have 2 new contestants playing for the title this year instead of the tired, worn-out, boring repeat of last year.  Just like Trump ascending to the White House, what we needed in this league is a little new blood at the top to shake things up.  And what two dynamic personalities are going to lead this league into the next season?  That’s right, Seth or Finken.  Possibly the 2 most uninteresting people in the league.  Yikes.  Before we take a look at what is to come, let’s first let’s review the Round 1 matchups…

Ah It’s Early defeats Fuck It Three 146.34-120.64

It’s ironic that Seth spent the entire season dominating opponents and scoring over 150 in all but the last meaningless game.  And in the most important matchup, do or die, he couldn’t get to that plateau but still managed a 3^rd straight comfortable victory over South.  Seth got another standard 25+ out of his UNI hero and his remaining roster managed not to Iowa State themselves.  FIT’s Steelers were mostly held in check (for their standards) by the Bengals and the weather and no one else did anything to make up for it.  And for the 3rd year in a row, South fails to capitalize on a perfect opportunity to bring that trophy South of the border. 
 

Don't worry Garrett, things not working out every single time is actually normal for the rest of us.

Rollin’ 4 Deep defeats If We’re Using Logic 155.64-150.34

Because of some intimate knowledge on the situation, let’s go over the roller coaster of emotion for Finken during this past weekend.  Finken was in deep trouble early as the Packer’s dropped 3 easy TDs, Indy didn’t need Hilton to blow out MN and Cooks put up 37.6 on his bench (and also cost him $5 in the process).  He crawled his way back in the game that night as Zeke and Evans had decent games but Witten just kept getting dump offs to help Chris keep pace.  Once SNF was over, Finken had a 17 point lead with only Kirk Cousins to worry about.  Except for the fact that Cousins has been on fire (scored over 17 every week since Week 5) and he was playing at home for their playoff lives.  At the beginning of MNF, Finken thought…

Then he checks in just after halftime just in time to see Cousins fumble and a bunch of FGs on the board and quietly ponders…

As the game wears on, he lets himself believe.  And as the seconds tick away, so does Chris’s hope to catch up and Finken realizes…

 

Chris opens the app and checks one last time.  No dice, Finken had pulled it firmly out of his ass and the rest of the league rejoices.

Let’s give Chris some credit, he was going without Gronk and Julio so I’m sure a formal protest of the results is forthcoming but there were 5 guys on his bench that would’ve given him the victory.  Farrow wasn’t going to Hightower him to victory like last year and Melanie will be happy to replace the trophy on the wall with Lazer's Quarters championship medal. 

Cousins wipes out the 3peat.  You like that?

Now before we preview the finals, let’s check in on the draft picks bracket…

Smells Low leads Off Suit 10s 136.38-88.58

Riley has a 48 point lead which should’ve been much more after Adams dropped 2 TDs.  Lehman was stuck in the 80s for the 3^rd time this year as his roster falls deeper into dumpster fire territory. 

Kyle=Fitzpatrick, Kyle's team=Jet's OLine

Play It Backwards leads I’m Out 139.68-123.42

Ty Montgomery led the way for Mitch now that he knows he’s a RB and sits on a 16 point lead over Abel.  With some decent matchups, getting AJ Green back and Abel’s team being the worst, we expect Mitch to keep cruising to that first draft spot. 

If Abel loses this one too, we may have to put him out of his misery.

 Final Round Preview

Ah It’s Early vs. Rollin’ 4 Deep

You could say that this matchup was in the works since before the 2015 draft when Seth traded Finken his 2016 1^st round pick and Cooks for the 2015 1^st overall pick.  With that pick, he drafted MelGor which has propelled his team all season long along with DJ.  Finken used his ammo acquired to grab Zeke and the rest is history.  Unfortunately for Seth, Gordon might be out again or at least limited this week in an ideal matchup against Mitch the Browns.  Luckily both of these teams are deeper than Riley’s nasal cavity so the managers will have to make sure and not Ceasar their flex options away (cough, cough, Finken…).  With Gordon hobbled, DJ facing the Seahawks and Jordy potentially being locked up by the Vikings, this could be a tough one for Seth to pull out.  But we’ve found out from Chris’s sister’s current state that he’s not good at that anyway.  If Gordon sits, Finken take the crown but if he’s a go, Patches cleans up. 
 

If We’re Using Logic vs. Fuck It Three

What’d you know?  Lansink and South at it again.  At least for the rest of us, it isn’t for the title this year.  With both of these managers priding themselves on thoughtfulness and critical thinking, we wonder if they are angling more for winning the 3^rd place prize money or the 5^th draft pick spot more.  What’s an extra $20 to a real estate mogul and an actuary with no kids?  South is the early favorite but has some real tough matchups with his main guys playing in the winter elements against tough Ds.  Lazer should get Julio back this week and do just enough to get the victory. 

Merry Christmas dingle-berries...

 

Season 4 - Week 14 & Playoff Preview

Week 14 is in the books and that means that our Season 4 regular season has come to a close.  The playoff field has a familiar smell to it this year with Lansink and South making their 3^rd consecutive run at the title after finishing as the bottoms of the league for Year 1.  Finken is returning for his 2^nd straight trip to the playoffs while, instead of Riley usually sticking his nose into the middle of things, Seth’s stank ass made his 1^st appearance since finishing runner up in our inaugural season. 

 

Since South dispatched with Kyle before the early games were over on Sunday, the intrigue had nothing to do with draft order because Mitch had already sealed up the first 4 picks in the draft.  No, we were left watching MNF to see who would be required to provide food and drink at our murder luxury cabin this summer.  Mitch had pole position with a 30 point deficit to start the weekend but made up ground quickly as Riley and Abel failed to break 90 after SNF.  Going into MNF, they were all within a few points of each other but Abel was favored to be the guy based off of Yahoo’s projections.  Brady did what Brady does and prevented Riley from buying Trump Steaks on a beekeepers salary while Blount and Wallace provided a decent cushion for Abel as the game wore on.  It looks like Heidi will be a sugar momma for all of us come June.

 

Amazingly enough, all 4 of the 1^st round matchups were season sweeps during the regular season.  Beating a team 3 teams over the course of a season is a pretty tall order (unless you’re playing Mitch), so don’t get your brooms out yet.  Before we get to the Playoff Previews, though, let’s put a pin in the regular season and get on with the rankings…

 

1. Ah It’s Early – Seth had a chance at history and promptly crapped it down his leg for his first bad outing of the season.  Not a bad time to have it happen in a meaningless game but he had better hope it doesn’t continue into the first round.  With Carr and Stafford playing through injured hands and Dak struggling, Seth is praying that Gordon is faking his injury just like every soccer player who gets brushed in the shin.
   

   

   
   
2. Rollin’ 4 Deep – After a slow 1-3 start, Finken only lost 1 other game during the season and has now won 6 straight.  Losing AP early hurt but luckily EE defied the rookie RB stigma and let the Cowboys line do their thing.  If R4D can avoid more poor roster management and his QB combo gets rolling. he’ll be a scary matchup during the playoffs.
   

   

   Will Finken finally get a rose in the playoffs instead of a turd sandwich?

    
3. If We’re Using Logic – Just like his fellow Drake alum, Chris started the season slow but finished strong as well.  IWUL ended up posting the 2^nd highest points in the league and had some bad luck along the way, losing 2 games by margins smaller than his elementary participation trophies.  He didn’t deserve to lose those games just like he never misplays at cards.  He’ll tell you, just ask him.
   

   

   Break out the disco ball, moonwalking to a 3peat.

    
4. Fuck It Three – Bell alone could have nearly beaten Kyle this week, and is in a prime position to do damage going forward.  RapeTheBurger continued his horrid play away from Pittsburgh, but FIT didn’t need much help as it seemed as though Kyle actually wanted to pay Chris the $20.
   

   

   Guaranteed not to lose to Chris this year....yet.

    
5. Off Suit 10s – Hey guys, ‘member that time in every Power Rankings where we said Kyle’s team wasn’t really that good and it would eventually catch up with him?  It’s tough to play against the lowest score of the week when you are the lowest score of the week.
   

   

   Now we can all see the real Off Suit 10s

    
6. Smells Low – Riley made the best of a bad situation this year.  Brady was suspended for 4 games, Lynch retired, CJ Anderson got hurt, Freeman didn’t score 3 TDs per game, and he doesn’t have a WR that would start on the Indianola varsity squad.  At least he’s got a draft pick before round 4 this year (as of now).
   

   

   Fuck, I have to be on Riley's shit team next year too?

    
7. I’m Out – We don’t know where to start with Abel.  Let’s gloss over the fact that he’s not using his IR spots or that he’s got multiple guys on his roster that have no business being on a roster.  When did CJ Spiller last play football?  2011?   No, let’s look at his WW activity this year.  So far Jared’s made 15 transactions and 4 of these have been to change Ks.  Coincidentally he was the only guy to start a player on Bye, his K in Week 11.  Jared’s also only used $50 in FAAB and has $100 remaining.  $40 to pick up Brock Osweiler and $10 to grab Mike Wallace.  No other bids on a single player the rest of the season.  And we all wonder why Abel’s the only team yet to reach the playoffs in 4 seasons.  At least he’s got his 4^th round draft pick to look forward to this offseason.
   

    

   

   
   
8. Play It Backwards – Our resident draft pick hoarder didn’t quite pull off the miracle of playing bad enough to secure the first four picks but not so bad that Heidi isn’t forced to buy everyone food in June.  He made some interesting roster moves over the course of the season but has a lot of lottery tickets that could all hit paydirt going forward. 

Basically Mitch's entire season.

 

 

Round 1 Playoff Preview

 

Ah It’s Early vs. Fuck It Three – The last battle between AIE and FIT was a high scoring affair with Seth claiming the victory.  However, Seth could be in some trouble as Gordon and Forte could be sitting out this week.  Additionally, the last time Jordy faced the Bears, he torched them for 1.9 fantasy points.  Seth and Garrett each have one of the two most dynamic players in all of fantasy land, so if either of them explodes for a 50-point performance, it’ll spell doom for the other.  This matchup will likely come down to 2 metrics: TE play and the Cooper/Crabtree target share.  If either team wins both, they’ll likely be the winner.  One intriguing play to watch will be that of Jamison Crowder.  If he has a good game, it may quiet the doubters throughout the offseason.  Look for FIT to avoid the sweep in this one and make his third straight finals appearance.  FIT 164.32 – AIE 156.44

 

Rollin’ 4 Deep vs. If We’re Using Logic – Finken won the first matchup of the year handily but squeaked by the 2^nd time by less than 0.4.  As you can imagine, Chris was more upset than when he learned that Seth slipped one past his sister’s goalie for a 3^rd time.  Chris may not be favored but probably should be if Julio plays based on some very favorable matchups all across his offense.  He’s got more green on his roster than he had in his wallet pre-kids.  Without Gronk, he’ll be looking to fill his tight end with the best option available, much like his fraternity days.  Finken on the other hand, may have peaked a bit too early.  His QBs, who thrive at home, both have road games and much like his own weekends full of frat parties, his best Flex options have some tough Ds coming at their face.  Lansink won last year’s 1^st round matchup against Finken easily and probably will here again if Julio plays as he takes one step closer to the elusive 3peat®™.  IWUL 168.42, R4D 143.29

The old frat bros are going to be digging deep for this victory.

 

Off Suit 10s vs. Smells Low – Nobody really cares who wins this since both of these teams were bad but not bad enough to laugh at.  Besides, Mitch owns both of their 1^st round picks anyway.  So this is basically a matchup to determine who’s pick Mitch gets to trade for an established player.  I hope you are both proud of yourselves.   

 

 

I’m Out vs. Play It Backwards – Mitch has waited all season for this moment.  He gave tanking a run last year but ended up with the 2^nd pick.  He tried in real life with the Indianola offense but he was just good enough not to get fired.  Now comes his time to shine.  You go get that draft pick Mitch.  It’s not like Abel’s team will put up much resistance.

Season 4 - Week 13

Week 13 is in the books and most everything has been sorted out at this point.  Seth will be the top seed, Finken and Lansink should play in round 1, and South and Lehman will clash in order to figure out who’ll get destroyed by Seth.  In the bottom half of the bracket, Riley will await the loser of the South-Lehman to face off for the 3^rd pick in the draft.  Mitch and Abel have had a season-long date with destiny to square off for the right for Mitch to make Abel’s pick anyways.  It's sad that the regular season is now coming to an end but it's almost playoff time so it's time to start getting excited. 

And now, on with the rankings…

1. Ah It’s Early – As a surprise to no one except Kyle, Seth rolled over Lehman with high points and has now locked up the #1 seed.  That has pretty much been a forgone conclusion for some time.  But now, Seth turns his sights on history.  AIE is only 150 points away from the all-time high points mark for the regular season, which is currently held by South with 2,384 in 2014.  He also has a chance to finish 11-3, which no one has ever done.  He will face off in the first round against either the most under-performing team of the season or the most over-performing team of the season.  Either way, he’ll be sleeping with Chris’s sister, which in some respects means he’s already won.

   

   Seth goes wire-to-wire.

    
2. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken locked up his playoff spot as either the #2 or #3 seed with his 5^th straight victory and is set to take on Lazer and has a chance to advance to the title game for the first time.  His QBs stumbled for the first time in a while so he was fortunate to be up against the PIB bye week.  Things won’t be as easy this week against Seth’s red hot team in a potential championship preview.  Fortunately for both, the game is more meaningless than Finken’s drawer of condoms. 

   

    
3. If We’re Using Logic – The dream of the 3peat lives but not without some drama on MNF.  And at his age, Chris can’t take many more scares to the heart like that.  Just like in previous playoffs, Lansink prevails against South to lock up his spot.  He now gets to browbeat Abel in a meaningless game before facing Finken in the 1^st round.  He optimized his lineup this week but with Gronk already done for the year and Julio hurting his leg, Chris is facing a tougher battle than one of Kyle’s 10-high 3-bids.  Fortunately for Chris, he has 3 defenses on his roster.  Unfortunately for Chris, he can’t play any of them in his TE spot.
   

   

   Lansink runs away from South again.

4. Fuck It Three – There’s good news and bad news for South.  The good news is that he might not have to worry about losing to Chris in the playoffs again this year.  The bad news is it’s because he might be playing Riley for the 3^rd pick instead of competing for a title.  Luck and Vinatieri almost brought FIT all the way back from 49 down on MNF, but the Jets’ ineptitude allowed the Colts to rest both players in the waning minutes of the game.  And to add one more kick in the dick, his roster creativity in playing Tyreek Hill, Jamison Crowder, and Doug Martin over the stalwart, Crabtree, cost him the win.  But on the bright side, it earned him the Caesar Poor Manager of the Week award.
   

   

   Surprise, surprise...should've seen another loss to Lazer coming.

5. Off Suit 10s – Kyle, never lacking in confidence, seemed to have some sort of false impression that he had a chance this week against Seth.  We’re not quite sure if he forgot to look at his roster or what the genesis of that sentiment was.  It’s possible that he expected more than 2.54 points out of his key free agent signing, Fitzpatrick, but nothing in Fitz-pick-six’s season would indicate otherwise.  Maybe Kyle should resort to asking Chris which QB he should play.  This week it may not matter though.  He’s currently a 25 point underdog to South and about to become $20 poorer to Lansink.  Kyle had better pray for a blizzard in Buffalo this week to keep the Steelers under wraps otherwise the black and gold could break his heart again.
   

   

   Wonder which pick Mitch will use to draft McCaffery?

6. Smells Low – Riley’s streak of being the only player to not miss the playoffs has ended.  He took down Abel to situate himself squarely in the 3^rd pick matchup with the loser of the South-Lehman wrestle-off.  He could’ve also removed himself from the food at the draft sweepstakes had he picked his starters a bit better.  Inserting Rawls, Flacco and/or L Green into the lineup would’ve essentially assured himself of being free of that obligation.  He’ll finish the season against PIB in a matchup more worthless than that KC lesbian’s phone number in his contact list.
   

   

   Sorry Riley, she's not one of these types of girls...you know, like South's mom.

7. I’m Out – Jared managed to set a complete lineup this week but failed to actually tell them to score points, which is apparently a thing in fantasy football.  Newton could be the most surprising bust of the year and all Jets WRs have been rendered worthless by Fitzpatrick’s inability to throw the ball to his own teammates.  Jared’s fortunate to still have a 30 point lead over Mitch this week for lowest points total.  And with his team averaging 113 points the last 3 weeks and Mitch projected to put up 145, the $50 he owes to Seth for the dumbest trade in the history of mankind may not be the only thing he’s reaching in his wallet for.

   

   Abel's players every year.

   
   

   
   
8. Play It Backwards – When Mitch rebuilds, he doesn’t mess around.  At least South’s other league record of worst regular season record is still safe (1-13 in 2013).
   

   

   
   

Season 4 - Week 12

Week 12 is in the books and while not a whole lot changed with the playoff picture from the previous week, there were 2 of the more entertaining games of the season this past week.  IWUL slid by AIE and OS10s edged out PIB to keep themselves alive in the playoff race.  At this point, everyone alive for a playoff spot basically still controls their own destiny.  Win and you’re in.  But the real intrigue going forward is at the bottom of the standings.  Mitch and Riley are now within 1 point of each other scrapping hard for the right to provide sustenance at our murder luxury cabin draft experience this summer.  Let’s hope catering falls on the shoulders of the grown-ass man with a sugar mama wife rather than the bearded beekeeper paying for weekly Tinder dates.

Mitch is drawing up a play that'll help Riley finally score...

 

And now on with the Power Rankings… 

1.       Ah It’s Early – Our presumptive favorite faltered for only the 3^rd time this year.  And while AIE didn’t lose by the slimmest margin of the week, he is still awarded the Cesaer of the week, but not for what you might think.  Yeah, he could’ve played a few Flex spots differently but as Chris’s crayons spell out, the logic was sound behind those decisions.  No, Seth’s problem was prior to the games beginning as he chose to stick with the AZ D going against a potent Falcons team at home.  Captain Hindsight would’ve dropped them and grabbed any one of the 6 Ds on the waiver wire that scored over 8 points.  It’s not like the AZ D has been great either as the last time they scored double digits was in Week 6.  This win would’ve secured his #1 seed in the playoffs and put a real hurt on Lazer’s chances for a 3peat.  With his points lead virtually securing his playoff spot, Seth would need to lose to both Kyle and Finken to lose his top seeding and that’s less likely than him losing his alpha male standing at the Lansink Family Christmas.



Yeah, loses but still in the driver's seat.

 

2.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken did to Riley what Iowa did to his Huskers on Black Friday.  Just like Wadley and Daniels gashing the NU D, Elliott ran through the Redskins just like pilgrims did long ago to give R4D the early lead.  Then Brees and Rodgers looked like Beathard back there carving up their opponents like the Thanksgiving turkey to leave no doubt.  Just like the Hawks after some early season stumbles, R4D seems to be rollin’ at this point which means Finken must be due for a 17 year contract extension.  Going against Mitch's hapless team this week at least means that Finken probably won't get rolled by 30 in this matchup.

 

Let's all just agree to forget this ever happened.

 

3.       If We’re Using Logic – Although Lazer posted high points this week, he was fortunate to get by AIE since Gronk posted a 0 while getting injured and Jordy helped Seth almost catch him on MNF.  It looks like IWUL’s team is rounding into shape nicely as he’s won 3 of the past 4 and Hightower is ready to be inserted into the lineup come playoff time.  A win over South this week would pretty much lock up a spot since his last game is against Abel, which at this point is like facing a Patrek/Knight duo on Wednesday.  

Lazer beat Seth but couldn't hold him away from his sister again.

4.       Fuck It Three – We at the Power Rankings may have doubted South’s trade of Hopkins and some garbage for Dalton and Crowder but they’ve proven to be the difference for him lately with Luck being out.   There’s still about 6-8 years of Hopkins’ top-tier WRing that could help him supplant the ODBag fiasco as the leagues go-to joke, but for 2 weeks he’s come out on top of that trade.  This week’s win isn’t nearly as important as the regular season finale against Kyle, so don’t be surprised if sits any of his starters since it’s too late for him to trade them away.

 

Garrett's just laying in the weeds waiting to pounce.

  

5.       Off Suit 10s – While Kyle may have a top 4 record, he doesn’t have a top 4 team.  Beating Mitch by less than 2 points does not bode well for Kyle’s future, especially since the win can be attributed to an anemic offense driving for a game-winning TD and 2-pt conversion with no time left on SNF.  Because of his low point total compared to the other teams ranked above him, Kyle will most likely have to beat Seth AND South in the final 2 weeks in order to secure a playoff spot.  Kyle may have used all of his luck starting the season 5-0 and willing IA to victory over Michigan.  He may still be putting those playoff tickets on ebay.

This doesn't get reversed and Kyle's playing for a draft pick fo sho...

 

6.       Smells Low – Riley’s AFC East QBs showed up and did their job but the rest of his starters were more awful than Kyle’s excuses for not playing cards.  Luckily for him, D Adams lit it up on MNF in order to keep pace with Mitch in the race for 2^nd lowest points.  And speaking of awful, Riley has a round-robin of awful left on the schedule as he faces Abel and then Mitch to finish the season.  That slate of games looks less intriguing than a round robin of Iowa State, Kansas, and the Indianola Racist Mascots.

Brady trying to block is about as pathetic as Riley trying to stay competitive.

7.       I’m Out – Abel dropped another one bringing his season record to 3-9.  He’s lost 8 of the past 9 games and 2 of his wins on the season are against Mitch.  His name holds true once again when it comes to relevancy.  But don’t count out Abel in the draft goodies race just yet, he’s shown just the right amount of futility when it counts.  He just may want to test the limits of how far Dominos will deliver on draft day.   

Abel looked like he might contend early this year, and then.....nope.

 

8.       Play It Backwards – Oh Mitch, you were so close to winning Lansink that $20 from Kyle.  If only Bennie Fowler would’ve taken a knee instead of scoring that TD towards the end of regulation…

Mitch once Fowler scored to take the lead...

Everyone but Kyle once the game when into overtime.

 

Season 4 - Week 11

Week 11 is in the books and shit is about to get real.  The stretch run is here and there are 3 games remaining to decide the playoffs so let’s take a look at where we’re at.  Seth is in for sure.  Riley, Abel and Mitch are all out.  Finken is comfortable given his points over Kyle and 1 game lead over Chris and South but not assured a spot yet.  Kyle needs to keep winning otherwise he’s going to get passed in the points tiebreaker.  South and Chris are in the same boat but Chris is carrying a slim points margin and they also play each other in Week 13.  Seth is going to have a lot to say about this as he matches up with Lansink, then Kyle, then Finken. 

Seth continues to steamroll the league.

 

Gentlemen, this is where champions are born.  Now that the Byes are over, there are no more excuses.  It’s obvious to say that we are all thankful to have such a wonderful fake football league in our lives.  Let’s take a moment and see what each team is thankful for during the beginning of our holiday season.  And now, on with the rankings…

1.       Ah It’s Early – Seth is thankful for the God that is David Johnson.  Between him, Melvin Gordon and his complement of WRs and solid QBs, Seth’s controlled the whole league from start to finish.  He’s scored 150 in all 11 games, only South is close to that at 7 games over that mark.  So the other 3 playoff teams had better take note, an average day isn’t going to beat Seth.  Except when they all have an off week in the first round and he loses to the 4-seed.   We’re sure that won’t happen, just sure of it.

 

2.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken is thankful for the awful defenses and running games of the Packers and Saints.  Week in and week out, Rodgers and Brees are forced to play more garbage time football than the Waukee junior high team.  R4D’s route to the playoffs is easier than any of the Lansink sisters as Riley and Mitch are the next two on the docket.  But with the trouble he constantly has setting his lineup, nothing is a given with Finken at the helm. 

Who wants to help Finken set his Flex starters?

 

3.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle is thankful for 3 ridiculously close victories in a row early in the season over Lansink, Riley and Finken, two of which he was the second lowest weekly scorer.  Without these wins, Kyle’s grasping at playoff hope behind South.  Despite losing 4 of his last 6, OS10s is more confident than ever.  Like Hillary, he’s not going to waste any time crafting a concession speech. He's ready for the biggest stage of the year.

 

4.       If We’re Using Logic – Chris is thankful that AJ Green got hurt early in his matchup with Mitch because otherwise, he would’ve gotten beaten like a Trump supporter in a college “safe space”.  With South and Seth upcoming, if he would have lost that matchup, a third title would’ve been less likely than Riley’s story about supposedly banging an Australian chick.  Waiting until late into MNF to find out if he pulled out a victory is getting to be the norm for Lazer, not exactly ideal for someone of his advancing age to be stressing his heart that much.

Chris almost bumbles away the matchup with Mitch.

 

5.       Fuck It Three – Garrett is thankful for candy…always candy.  But also for Big Ben’s magical healing powers because without him getting the ball to his other Steelers, FIT would be FITB (f*cked in the b*tt).  FIT is living much closer to the edge this year. Although he’s probably just toying with the rest of the league as the lucky horseshoe up his ass will likely send one of the other three contenders into the draft pick bracket.  Without Luck though, he'll be relying on the Red Rocket without AJ Green and that's not good for anyone.

South after reexamining his numerous trades this year.

 

6.       Smells Low – Riley is thankful for Trump’s biggest supporter, Tom Brady.  Without him, Riley’s team would struggle to get to 100 each week, much like he did this week against South.  Unlike Riley’s dating life, everyone on his team was at or above a 5, but success is hard to find with only two of your players score more than 12 points.  That's not the way to quickly climb the corporate ladder within the getting-stung-by-bees industry.

 

7.       I’m Out – Abel is thankful that there aren’t any skunk’d rules within this league since failing to break 90 points and getting doubled up by your opponent would certainly qualify.  He put up 2^nd low points of the year (sorry Kyle, you still get that one), mainly due to the fact that he forgot to pick up another kicker.  We here at the Power Rankings knew it was too good to be true to expect Abel to be flawless throughout the entire season.  It’s just too grueling on a weekly basis to open a webpage, critically think for 38 seconds, and then click a few times.  We totally understand, though, as Winterset grads likely aren’t privy to the advent of cellular phones that enable you to easily set your fantasy lineup whilst pooping on the company dime.

Some things are just more important than others.

 

8.       Play It Backwards – Mitch is just thankful the season is almost over and he can focus on his draft picks.