Week 4 is in the books with a very
competitive week (except Mitch) but left little clarity about who is actually
good. Kyle is undefeated but obviously terrible. South may have the best roster overall but
has already pissed 2 games away. Lansink
is the 2-time champ but is a long way from 3peating at this point. Abel should under investigation for his
sudden competence. And then there is the
sexual stallion himself, Seth the Half-beard who has taken control of the Card
Night Kangs. As his name suggests, it’s
still early for everyone to make a move but with almost 35% of the season gone after
this coming week, they’d better step on it.
And now, on with the Power Rankings…
 |
| This is where we're at folks... |
1.
Ah It’s Early – Maintaining the
points lead this week, Seth avoided a monster night from Kyle Rudolph and the MN
kicker when the Vikings went into kill-the-clock mode. The win pushes him
to 3 and 1…which he celebrated by giving Chris’s sister the ol’ 3 and 1 Tuesday
morning. The Melvin Gordon draft choice, once the butt of several draft
jokes, is beginning to pan out in a big way, especially with the Chargers’ loss
of Woodhead for the season. With the best 1-2 running back duo of the
league, AIE is positioning to be the 2016 version of the 2014 Fuck It
Three. He need not worry. His stars will inevitably lay an egg in
the finals while Chris wins with some 8th string RB, picked up from
the Edmonton Eskimos.
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| Yeah Seth, we're all so happy for you. |
2.
Fuck It Three – Garrett now has the
full complement of Steelers at his disposal. But not even a healthy
Le’Veon Bell could make up for the shit show put on by DeAndre Hopkins and
Charles Sims. Bell showed why he’s the best back in the league this
weekend and Antonio Brown continues to impress. If FIT is going to make
another serious run at the title, he’s going to need his mid-tier WRs to be more
reliable and Luck to stay upright. As of
now, they’ve been about as inconsistent as Abel’s card night attendance.
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| South has got us all right where he wants us. |
3.
Off Suit 10s – Kyle is only 5 points
above 7th place in scoring yet still stands atop the leaderboard. It
doesn’t hurt that he has gone up against by far the fewest points by his
opponents. For the second week in a row, he played the only team in the
league that he could have beaten. He only needed 4 points from Diggs on
MNF to hand deliver the Caesar Bad Manager of the Week award to Finken. At
4-0, we’re surprised it took this long for Kyle to buy his tickets to the
championship game. Maybe he’s worried it’ll work out like it has for
Iowa’s run to the NCAA tourney in Des Moines….or the football team’s run to
Indy this year. He was trying to get cute holding off on grabbing a
kicker as long as he could to make sure no one would grab Wheaton. We
have a secret for you Kyle, no one cares about Marcus Wheaton. 5-0 is
basically assured at this point going against Mitch. Maybe there is a
secret on how Kyle got this far…
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| Kyle, if you need help with that decision, you should probably be lower on this list. |
4.
If We’re Using Logic – Much like
cards, Chris is obviously not as good as Kyle and lands at #4 this week. After
stumbling for a few weeks and us wondering if Alzheimer’s was starting to
infest Chris’s mind, he comes out and puts up high points and gets right back
on track. Matt Ryan and Julio alone pretty much guaranteed the victory as
the remainder of his team was as good as his Waukee JV squad. An average
manager (and even most below average managers) would have easily topped 200
points in a week where two players netted a combined 88 points. ODBag and Gronk have been struggling this
year but will look to get on track next week as ODBag faces a soft Packer pass D
and Gronk gets some less-inflated, easier-to-catch balls.
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| Obviously superior coaching at Waukee Middle School these days. |
5.
I’m Out – I’m Out has made it
through the first Bye week without playing a single inactive player. The
statisticians at the Power Rankings have crunched the numbers and determined
that it’s the longest such streak in his career. Unfortunately for Jared,
it still resulted in a loss as Alshon Jeffery had a very pedestrian performance
against a weak Detroit defense. On the bright side, he has the Rookie of
the Year through four games as Will Fuller is sitting at 11th in WR
scoring on the year. Additionally, DeMarco Murray appears to be as young
and spry as Riley…or Chris in 1983. I’m Out looks to add to FIT’s
two-week slide with two QBs that look more concussed than Bill Cosby’s dinner
date.
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| Abel had better grab $cam's backup. |
6.
Smells Low – Even as a 30 point
underdog, Riley had a solid week topping South by 1.82 points. Bench
depth could become an issue as we get into Bye Week season, but if his high
school playing days are any indication, he knows his way around managing the
bench. Brady’s return should give his team a boost as Edelman’s stock
will likely rise as well. However, trading the farm for Devonta Freeman
has panned out about as well as Chris’s last weight loss challenge. Early odds put
SL as an underdog in his Week 5 matchup with R4D but we have a sneaking
suspicion he’ll sniff out a victory.
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| Not even Caitlyn Brady could save Riley's season now. |
7.
Rollin 4 Deep – Finken still cannot
get out of his own way. His team is as deep or deeper with quality
players than any in the league. But sadly, there aren’t 7 starting flex
spots which would allow him to win almost every week. A more George
Costanza-esque approach may be needed. A tip for him may be to set his
lineup and then have Rachel secretly log in and do the opposite of what he
planned. At this point, it may be worth a try because if he doesn’t pull
off the win against Riley this weekend, he’ll be rollin 4 deep in the loss
column.
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| What the fuck are you doing Finken?!?! |
8.
Play It Backwards – Mitch’s 3 big
names put up a valiant effort against Lazer this week but unfortunately
everyone else on his roster was stuck at the singles bar. We were all
rooting for you too as watching Chris lose a 3rd game in a row to
the worst team in the league would have been more satisfying than watching
Patrek piss away 5 of Chris’s dollars at card night. Had Julio and
Ryan only scored their 2016 averages, Mitch would have won by 20 points.
Oddly enough, Mitch is favored to take down the undefeated pillow fight
king, Kyle, this week. However, PIB’s luck will likely be about as
good as the Browns’.
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| I award Mitch the loss, don't mind what the scoreboard says. |
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