Season 4 - Week 11

Week 11 is in the books and shit is about to get real.  The stretch run is here and there are 3 games remaining to decide the playoffs so let’s take a look at where we’re at.  Seth is in for sure.  Riley, Abel and Mitch are all out.  Finken is comfortable given his points over Kyle and 1 game lead over Chris and South but not assured a spot yet.  Kyle needs to keep winning otherwise he’s going to get passed in the points tiebreaker.  South and Chris are in the same boat but Chris is carrying a slim points margin and they also play each other in Week 13.  Seth is going to have a lot to say about this as he matches up with Lansink, then Kyle, then Finken. 

Seth continues to steamroll the league.

 

Gentlemen, this is where champions are born.  Now that the Byes are over, there are no more excuses.  It’s obvious to say that we are all thankful to have such a wonderful fake football league in our lives.  Let’s take a moment and see what each team is thankful for during the beginning of our holiday season.  And now, on with the rankings…

1.       Ah It’s Early – Seth is thankful for the God that is David Johnson.  Between him, Melvin Gordon and his complement of WRs and solid QBs, Seth’s controlled the whole league from start to finish.  He’s scored 150 in all 11 games, only South is close to that at 7 games over that mark.  So the other 3 playoff teams had better take note, an average day isn’t going to beat Seth.  Except when they all have an off week in the first round and he loses to the 4-seed.   We’re sure that won’t happen, just sure of it.

 

2.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken is thankful for the awful defenses and running games of the Packers and Saints.  Week in and week out, Rodgers and Brees are forced to play more garbage time football than the Waukee junior high team.  R4D’s route to the playoffs is easier than any of the Lansink sisters as Riley and Mitch are the next two on the docket.  But with the trouble he constantly has setting his lineup, nothing is a given with Finken at the helm. 

Who wants to help Finken set his Flex starters?

 

3.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle is thankful for 3 ridiculously close victories in a row early in the season over Lansink, Riley and Finken, two of which he was the second lowest weekly scorer.  Without these wins, Kyle’s grasping at playoff hope behind South.  Despite losing 4 of his last 6, OS10s is more confident than ever.  Like Hillary, he’s not going to waste any time crafting a concession speech. He's ready for the biggest stage of the year.

 

4.       If We’re Using Logic – Chris is thankful that AJ Green got hurt early in his matchup with Mitch because otherwise, he would’ve gotten beaten like a Trump supporter in a college “safe space”.  With South and Seth upcoming, if he would have lost that matchup, a third title would’ve been less likely than Riley’s story about supposedly banging an Australian chick.  Waiting until late into MNF to find out if he pulled out a victory is getting to be the norm for Lazer, not exactly ideal for someone of his advancing age to be stressing his heart that much.

Chris almost bumbles away the matchup with Mitch.

 

5.       Fuck It Three – Garrett is thankful for candy…always candy.  But also for Big Ben’s magical healing powers because without him getting the ball to his other Steelers, FIT would be FITB (f*cked in the b*tt).  FIT is living much closer to the edge this year. Although he’s probably just toying with the rest of the league as the lucky horseshoe up his ass will likely send one of the other three contenders into the draft pick bracket.  Without Luck though, he'll be relying on the Red Rocket without AJ Green and that's not good for anyone.

South after reexamining his numerous trades this year.

 

6.       Smells Low – Riley is thankful for Trump’s biggest supporter, Tom Brady.  Without him, Riley’s team would struggle to get to 100 each week, much like he did this week against South.  Unlike Riley’s dating life, everyone on his team was at or above a 5, but success is hard to find with only two of your players score more than 12 points.  That's not the way to quickly climb the corporate ladder within the getting-stung-by-bees industry.

 

7.       I’m Out – Abel is thankful that there aren’t any skunk’d rules within this league since failing to break 90 points and getting doubled up by your opponent would certainly qualify.  He put up 2^nd low points of the year (sorry Kyle, you still get that one), mainly due to the fact that he forgot to pick up another kicker.  We here at the Power Rankings knew it was too good to be true to expect Abel to be flawless throughout the entire season.  It’s just too grueling on a weekly basis to open a webpage, critically think for 38 seconds, and then click a few times.  We totally understand, though, as Winterset grads likely aren’t privy to the advent of cellular phones that enable you to easily set your fantasy lineup whilst pooping on the company dime.

Some things are just more important than others.

 

8.       Play It Backwards – Mitch is just thankful the season is almost over and he can focus on his draft picks.

Season 4 - Week 10

Week 10 is in the books and there are now only 4 weeks left until the postseason begins.  The playoff picture is coming into focus as Seth and Kyle are pretty much safe at this point and Abel and Mitch are safely out.  It’s still possible but would take a huge upset for Riley to stick his nose into the last playoff spot.  That means one of our top three finishers last year will be left out in the lurch as Finken, Lansink and South get to fight it out for 2 playoff spots.  Once the standings are settled at the end of the year, we can point back to this past week's matchups as each of the 4 winners this past weekend swept the season series against their foe.  

But that’s not the real story of the week.  Of course it’s the election of our new Supreme Leader, Donald J. Trump.  Now we’ve all heard his speeches and rhetoric over the past months and it’s only a matter of time before he unseats Mitch as commissioner of our fake sportsing league as well.  So we figured we would take some time this week and see if we could figure out his stance on the league and how he would Make the CNK Great Again®. 

Hot Take Trade Analysis:  Seth acquires DeAndre Hopkins, Brock Osweiler and Kyle’s 2^nd round pick while Garrett acquires the Red Rifle, Jamison Crowder and Seth’s 1^st round pick. 

This is a puzzling trade to some of us and rest assured, President Trump will assign a special prosecutor to get to the bottom of it.  For Seth, it makes sense.  He’s got 3 young, top QBs and while Dalton is steady, he doesn’t have the upside of the other guys.  Crowder is just a depth piece which he doesn’t really need but will be solid once those old WRs leave DC next year.  Giving up these guys and a late R1 pick for a potential top 5 WR is a no brainer, especially if the Texans can improve their QB situation next year.  But even if they can’t, Hopkins is a free agent after 2017.  For South, this is a continuation in a series of strange trades (mainly with Kyle).  Giving up an elite WR in his 4^th year for a QB he won’t use outside of Byes and injuries, a WR2/3 and a late R1 pick.  For all intents and purposes, he’s turned into the Cleveland Browns of Card Night Kangs of trading.  But in the end, Trump will endorse this trade since someone got fleeced and the rich get richer.

Nothing except your shot at the playoffs South.

And now on with the Power Rankings…

1.         Ah It’s Early – If there’s one team in the league Trump would endorse, it would be Seth.  Why?  Because he’s a winner.  All he does is win.  He’s got the best team, a substantial lead in the polls and he’s banging one of his rival manager's sister.  That’s the type of guy Trump wants to back.  AIE took care of FIT even without getting that trade pushed through prior to Sunday and it’s probably a good thing as he optimized his starting lineup.  Had he acquired Hopkins, he probably would’ve started him over T Williams and lost.  That’s the sort of back room dealing that empires like Trumps are built on.  Up next for Seth is…who cares.  David Johnson will crush the dreams of whoever he plays.

At this point, Seth's just rubbing it in.

2.         Off Suit 10s – Trump’s also a big fan of Kyle’s team since, just like his campaign, Kyle’s success is mainly driven by mediocre performances against bad competition.  But that makes Kyle a winner too, and Trump endorses that.  To help Lehman, Trump would not only tear down cumbersome bank regulations so his employers can continue to cheat billion$ from the working people, but he’d also end unwieldy trade restrictions within the league.  Our resident wheeler-and-dealer would be able to fire off unlimited trades that wouldn’t be able to be vetoed, even with by the tradee themselves.  He’ll even set up a private email server for the league to use so these dealings can be done without the public seeing. It'll be the wild west of fake football.

Free trade?  Lehman Brothers will be doing flips for that.

3.         Rollin’ 4 Deep – Trump endorses Finken mainly because of his conservative nature and the paleness of his skin.  However, his first act as President would be to appoint his daughter Tiffany (or is it Brittney, or Candi?) as Special Roster Advisor to Finken since, once again, he put out worse flex candidates than the Democratic National Committee.  It seems repetitive to point out that he had 7 guys on the bench that outscored every Flex starter.  Luckily for R4D, his QBs showed up once again and Elliott saved his ass by busting through for 2 late TDs.  Tiffany will lobby the league to allow 5 more Flex spots in order to create jobs and alleviate the pressures of making decisions for R4D.  Finken hopes to keep the momentum going against Kyle this week’s matchup which should all but secure a playoff spot for the victor. 

Zeke might still be running.

4.         If We’re Using Logic – Lansink has now lost 2 games this year by less than a point.  Trump advocates for his fellow real estate mogul to claim that the system is rigged against him and vow to fight the results of these matchups.  Between these losses, no trading partners and shady trade deals against Lazer, the CNK is obviously conspiring against IWUL and he must expose the truth for the masses to see.  It definitely isn’t due to the fact he doesn’t have a consistent RB or that Gronk was out for the first 4 weeks or that Julio and ODBag have been hot and cold this whole year.  The loss is not good for the defending champ, but he’s got 2 bottom feeders in his next four games.  Trump will most likely look to appoint a “fair and balanced” judge who will watch over Lazer’s matchups to make sure no unfortunate “precedents” are set without his knowledge.

Good thing this catch wouldn't have made a difference.

5.         Fuck It Three – At the beginning of the year, FIT’s team was the one that looked like a juggernaut and Trump’s first thought was to build a wall south of town to keep FIT from taking over the league.  And if the wall had to block off Mitch’s terrible team as well, then so be it.  South would probably pay for it too if enough candy and Mountain Dew were offered.  But alas, President Trump’s stance on this has softened as Garrett is just not as threatening as he used to be.  He’s proven to be more of a working class manager with a number of rust-belt Steelers on his team.  FIT should be able to get right this week over Riley and Abel next week but then finishes up against Chris and Kyle to decide his playoff fate.  He’ll have to get over his fear of Chris in Week 13 if he wants to return to the playoffs and impress Trump with his unorthodox ability to overcome being an underdog.

Even this wasn't enough to overcome AIE.

6.         Smells Low – Despite just turning old enough to vote, Trump is also here for Riley, mainly due to his biggest supporter, Tom Brady being his QB of choice.  Trump has long since degraded the Affordable Care Act as a terrible, horrible no good healthcare plan but he’s decided to save parts of it for Riley.  First, he’ll allow Riley to stay on his parent’s health insurance in perpetuity since he’s in college now getting a degree more worthless than Finken’s testicles.  Second, Trump will carve out an exemption within the covered provisions to allow for unlimited reductions to abnormally large noses.  One thing that healthcare isn’t going to help with is Riley’s awful roster as he got destroyed by Lehman and is now a huge underdog to South.  Riley’s playoff chances looking about as good as his post-college job prospects right now. 

Maybe Tony and Riley could bunk up together.

7.         I’m Out – Abel is Trumps kind of guy.  He’s who Trump built his whole campaign to appeal to.  A simple, working class man from Winterset who enjoys Busch Light, the occasional dip of chew, and who thinks foreign relations is grabbing the pu$$y of a French woman.  It’s guys like Abel who will truly make the CNK great again.  Unfortunately, his roster won’t be able to do the same despite a win over Mitch this past week.  With Jeffery getting suspended and Marshall on Bye, IO’s team has fewer playmakers on it than if Abel were partnered with Patrek on Wednesday night. 

Abel's prospects going into next year.

8.         Play It Backwards – Through 10 weeks now, Mitch has proven to be a loser and that’s not what Trump is about.  Just sad!

Season 4 - Week 9

Week 9 is in the books and only 5 weeks remain in our 4^th season of this wonderful fake football league.  2 big upsets could have really tipped the scales power for the stretch run of the season.  Kyle and South going down really kept all of those last 3 playoff spots in play.  That is, unless you account for some dubious, back-door dealing…

Hot Take Trade Anaylsis:  Mitch gets Michael Thomas, Alex Smith and Kevin White while Kyle gets Mariota, Pryor and Martavis Bryant.

Some really shady politicking going on here getting this trade pushed through prior to gametime this past Sunday.  The only way it could’ve been shadier is if they would’ve completed it on a private email server.  It didn’t really help either one in their actual matchup.  Mitch still would’ve beaten South with Mariota and Pryor playing.  And Kyle would’ve just lost by more but having those 48 points on his team really boosted his overall point total, a position he drastically needs help with.  Let’s remember this moment if it comes down to points-scored tiebreakers at the end of the season.  South will be able to hear Chris’s cries of “RIGGED” from Kansas City if he is the season-end victim of such shenanigans.

 

Lehman's doing something sketchy, Lazer's on the case.

And now, on with the rankings…

1.         Ah It’s Early – Half of his guys on Bye, doesn’t matter to Seth.  AIE just kept rolling by posting another score over 150 and avenged his first loss of the season to Riley.  MelGor ran wild all over the Titans and Dak and Jordy had huge games as well.  But the easier teams are almost over as he has to face the other 4 best teams over the next 5 weeks, starting with South this week.  Seth’s rise from 2015 no-name to top dog can only be compared to his immediate ascension prodigal son in the Lansink family household. 

2.         If We’re Using Logic – Lazer rebounded very strong this week after an embarrassing loss to Riley by putting up high points and avenging his early season 0.04 point loss to Lehman.  It was probably all of Chris’s motivational complaining about Lehman’s trade that propelled his roster to victory although his starters had already posted 115 at the conclusion of TNF.  Lazer has an interesting conundrum this upcoming week versus Finken in regards to the RB position.  All 4 of his “starting” RBs are on Bye.  The other 2 are back-ups at best and have only topped double digits in one week since Week 2.  The rest of his roster is available and that might be enough.  But with a tough RB situation and some less-than-deal matchups, Chris could be pulling more dead weight than if he was playing pitch with Patrek as his partner.

Chris also tried a bunch of other stuff in college...

3.         Rollin 4 Deep – Finken rebounded from the inexplicable loss to South with a convincing win over Abel and has now won 4 of his last 5.  Once again, his QBs put up a solid total but this time Evans and EE were there to finish it off.  He could be in great shape if he can get past IWUL this week as he has 3 of the bottom 4 teams remaining before ending the season against Seth.  Quite different from his manhood, Finken should have some fuel left in the tanks toward the end of that run to make a solid playoff run.  (His testicles.  He’s shooting blanks.)

That don't phase Finken.

4.         Off Suit 10s – After the unwarranted 5-0 start, Kyle’s now lost 3 of 4 and is dropping faster than his credit score after finding out his Wells Fargo coworkers signed him up for 6 credit cards, 4 checking accounts, an underfunded IRA, and 2 rescue kittens.  He now has company in the low points category as Mitch and Riley joined him for a ménage-a-trois of piss poor efforts as they fight for the right to provide sustenance while we’re drafting.  We are scared to even consider what Riley might bring if it’s forced upon him.  Kyle also gets the Ceasar Award as Graham having a huge game on MNF allowed him to make Chris sweat a bit and if he would've started the Golden boy Tate, victory would have been his.

Kyle too.

5.         Fuck It Three – Garrett knew he was going to be in trouble with the Steelers on their 2^nd consecutive week on Bye so when…wait a second, the Steelers weren’t on Bye and Big Ben ended up playing?  And South lost while putting up 2^nd low points?  And he lost to Mitch?  This might have been the only upset more surprising than Trump’s beatdown of Hillary.  Now he gets the #1 team and South’s going to do whatever possible to avoid a losing streak.  Now if only Finken could somehow get in this matchup with these two teams, they could have a “least amount of facial hair grown” derby as a tiebreaker.

South's playoff hopes slipping away.

6.         Smells Low – Pattern Watch: Week 9, a loss to Seth means the pattern continues.  Ajayi had another huge week but not another guy scored over 17 and Riley put up low score of the week.  At least there wasn’t much he could do since only 6 of his bench players scored more than the number of reasonable looking hats Riley owns: 0. 

2 hats for the price of 1?  That's Riley's kind of deal.

7.         Play It Backwards – Welcome out of the cellar Mitch.  You’re still last in points and tied for the worst record, but at least you’ve won 2 of the past 3 and amassed about the most random roster of guys we’ve seen.  No one thought you had a chance without AJ Green against a full strength FIT but when South got your SnapChat picture of Lazer holding a sign that said “Playoff Finals”, he predictably balled up and wet himself.  PIBs future looks bright as he faces Abel followed by a Falconless Lazer.  Be careful Mitch, you might need to strategically protect those first four draft picks.   

Mitch's living the dream right now.

8.           I’m Out – Hasn’t scored over 148 since Week 3 and has now lost 6 in a row.  One more and Abel gets a set of steak knives…

Season 4 - Week 8

Week 8 is in the books and the 2^nd half is now underway.  This was one of the most competitive weeks in recent memory (except for Mitch) with 3 teams losing by just a handful of points and 2 games coming down to MNF.  It could be quite the opposite this week as right now, only 1 game is projected to be within 15 points.  On a final note, the trade deadline is Saturday, November 12 so you have until then to get your trade requests into Lehman.  And now, on with the Power Rankings…

Why are these girls dancing and excited...trading with Kyle?

 

No, free dildo on the field. 

1.       Ah It’s Early – Seth’s team came out and played angry after his 2^nd loss of the season and put up 203 on PIB.  Carr threw for over 500 yards and a good chunk of them went to Cooper to put up 76 combined points.  That’s more yards than the amount of pipe Seth’s laid up and down the Lansink family tree.  But he had better be careful this week trying to avenge his first loss of the season so Riley doesn’t nose him out of 1^st place.  DJ, JReed and the Gingerbread QB are on Bye and his other QBs and main WR are facing Denver and Minnesota.  He’s still a heavy favorite over Riley as should take care of business before facing South in Week 10. 
 

Seth's still the man to beat.

2.       Fuck It Three – While South was in town to crash Halloween parties and trick-or-treat with the neighborhood kids in order to replenish his candy stash, he must have also grabbed that lucky horseshoe and placed it back deep within the confines of his ass where it typically resides (unless it’s against Chris in the playoffs).  With 5 regular starters out or on Bye, Garrett was happy to put up 131 and keep it respectable.  It was tight going into MNF but Garrett just needed 10 points from Asiata and the MN D going, so no big deal right?  Finken’s roster incompetence was only outdone by the entire Vikings roster but those two managed to combine for 12 points and edge out R4D.  So instead of being 4-4 and on the brink of the playoffs, Garrett’s 5-3 with the PIB-bye-week coming next without AJ Green.  Just seems like it’s always a good day to be South.

If we had to guess, most weeks Garrett is oblivious to what's going on despite continuing to win.

 

3.       Off Suit 10s – For those that missed it, Kyle bet Chris $20 at the Halloween party that Kyle would make the playoffs.  He was beyond confident  on Saturday night even though his Cubs choked another World Series game knowing Bortles put up 33 on TNF .  But in typical fashion for OS10s this year, the rest of his offense fell flat on their faces and left the match with Abel a coin flip going into MNF.  Abel had it in hand until Diggs caught a late garbage TD to seal the victory and keep him from falling further in the standings.  OS10s, the team built on garbage.  Anyway, OS10s is 6-2 now scoring the 2^nd lowest points.  And as luck would have it, he gets Lazer while he’s having major RB issues and Gronk on Bye.  Now we’re actually kind of rooting for Kyle to make the playoffs because having someone competing for the title that also has to buy the food for the draft would be of the highest of comedy. 

This is how we imagine Kyle reacting after every bullshit win this year.

 

And this is the rest of our reactions.

 

4.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – We might have to rename the Ceasar Award after this year to the Finken Award since it seems like he’s taken it home every other week.  Like a sober Riley scanning an ISU bar for his prey at closing time, R4D was in prime position to take down South when he was most vulnerable.  His QBs did their job putting up 60 combined points but the injuries to Ware and Hilton made the rest of his starters less potent than Finken in the bedroom.  No, there were 7 guys on his bench that would’ve given him the win.  7!!!!  Aside from it being a great name for a child, that’s just awful fantasy sportsing.  He must regroup quickly as there’s a similar situation coming up as a huge favorite against Abel without Palmer or Blount.  Another misstep and it could be fatal in his playoff hopes. 

Finken's going to pull it off.....never mind.

 

5.       If We’re Using Logic – Amazingly enough through 8 weeks, IWUL and R4D has exactly the same record and scored the same amount of points.  That’s pretty insane when you think about it.  We’d get into the statistical meaning of it but Riley didn’t have a quality math education and I don’t think the Winterset boys learned to count past 6 since that’s how many Busch Lights came together. 

Don't worry Loretta, Kyle and Abel don't know either.

 

Anyway, Finken gets the nod over Lazer since he was victorious in their Week 3 matchup and Chris couldn’t figure out a way to beat Riley.  Technically there was a way for him to eek into the Ceasar discussion but it would’ve taken numerous non-logic-driven moves and we didn’t have enough crayons to draw it out.  Julio and ODBag had not better not not no-show this week against Lehman (who beat him in Week 2 by 0.08 points) since all Lazer’s RBs have tougher matchups than Abel trying to navigate Merle Hay.  With 5 of his starters playing on TNF in the Falcons-Bucs game, we'll know early if he and Kyle are still best friends.

Somehow I doubt this will hold if Kyle beat's Chris again.

 

6.       Smells Low – The pattern lives!  And it should continue with an L this week, despite Seth’s Bye weeks, as Riley is facing off against the top scoring team without Brady or Edelman.  Riley had no respect for his elders putting Chris out to pasture this week with Brady’s 4 TDs leading the way.  Losing CJ Anderson for the season is going to hurt but getting Moncrief back should bolster his turrible WR corps.  At 4-4, he’s put himself right back in the conversation of playoff talk but if that talk might not last long as he’s got the top 4 teams the next 4 weeks.  His fate may be sealed by the time he gets to play Abel and Mitch again.

Even without DJ, Seth's probably going to roll over Riley.

 

7.       I’m Out – Despite narrowly losing by 8 points and only scoring 139, there was literally nothing Abel could’ve done to beat his fellow Winterset redneck.  One positive is he did manage not to play a guy that would’ve scored negative points, a huge step for Abel.  He’s lost 5 in a row and gets to play a full strength R4D with 4-5 of his main guys on Bye.  But the way Finken has managed his team, this could be close and may come down the kicker Abel decides to pick up, if he remembers to set his lineup properly.  So far Jared’s management skills have been adequate this year even if his roster hasn’t.  We think he’s about due for a Bye week slipup. 
 

Can Abel get his lineup set for a 9th consecutive week? 

8.       Play It Backwards – Don’t worry Mitch, your spot in the 1^st pick playoff game is pretty much secured at this point.  Now, just don’t get low points…

Just keep fighting Mitch...