Week 9 is in the books and only 5 weeks remain in our 4th
season of this wonderful fake football league. 2 big upsets could have
really tipped the scales power for the stretch run of the season. Kyle
and South going down really kept all of those last 3 playoff spots in
play. That is, unless you account for some dubious, back-door dealing…
Hot Take Trade Anaylsis: Mitch gets Michael Thomas,
Alex Smith and Kevin White while Kyle gets Mariota, Pryor and Martavis Bryant.
Some really shady politicking going on here getting this
trade pushed through prior to gametime this past Sunday. The only way it
could’ve been shadier is if they would’ve completed it on a private email
server. It didn’t really help either one in their actual matchup.
Mitch still would’ve beaten South with Mariota and Pryor playing. And
Kyle would’ve just lost by more but having those 48 points on his team really
boosted his overall point total, a position he drastically needs help
with. Let’s remember this moment if it comes down to points-scored
tiebreakers at the end of the season. South will be able to hear Chris’s
cries of “RIGGED” from Kansas City if he is the season-end victim of such
shenanigans.
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| Lehman's doing something sketchy, Lazer's on the case. |
And now, on with the rankings…
1.
Ah It’s Early – Half of his guys on
Bye, doesn’t matter to Seth. AIE just kept rolling by posting another
score over 150 and avenged his first loss of the season to Riley. MelGor
ran wild all over the Titans and Dak and Jordy had huge games as well.
But the easier teams are almost over as he has to face the other 4 best teams
over the next 5 weeks, starting with South this week. Seth’s rise from
2015 no-name to top dog can only be compared to his immediate ascension prodigal
son in the Lansink family household.
2.
If We’re Using Logic – Lazer
rebounded very strong this week after an embarrassing loss to Riley by putting
up high points and avenging his early season 0.04 point loss to Lehman.
It was probably all of Chris’s motivational complaining about Lehman’s trade
that propelled his roster to victory although his starters had already posted 115
at the conclusion of TNF. Lazer has an interesting conundrum this
upcoming week versus Finken in regards to the RB position. All 4 of his
“starting” RBs are on Bye. The other 2 are back-ups at best and have only
topped double digits in one week since Week 2. The rest of his roster is
available and that might be enough. But with a tough RB situation and
some less-than-deal matchups, Chris could be pulling more dead weight than if
he was playing pitch with Patrek as his partner.
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| Chris also tried a bunch of other stuff in college... |
3.
Rollin 4 Deep – Finken rebounded
from the inexplicable loss to South with a convincing win over Abel and has now
won 4 of his last 5. Once again, his QBs put up a solid total but this
time Evans and EE were there to finish it off. He could be in great shape
if he can get past IWUL this week as he has 3 of the bottom 4 teams remaining
before ending the season against Seth. Quite different from his manhood,
Finken should have some fuel left in the tanks toward the end of that run to
make a solid playoff run. (His testicles. He’s shooting blanks.)
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| That don't phase Finken. |
4.
Off Suit 10s – After the unwarranted
5-0 start, Kyle’s now lost 3 of 4 and is dropping faster than his credit score
after finding out his Wells Fargo coworkers signed him up for 6 credit cards, 4
checking accounts, an underfunded IRA, and 2 rescue kittens. He now has
company in the low points category as Mitch and Riley joined him for a ménage-a-trois
of piss poor efforts as they fight for the right to provide sustenance while
we’re drafting. We are scared to even consider what Riley might bring if
it’s forced upon him. Kyle also gets the Ceasar Award as Graham having a huge game on MNF allowed him to make Chris sweat a bit and if he would've started the Golden boy Tate, victory would have been his.
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| Kyle too. |
5.
Fuck It Three – Garrett knew he was
going to be in trouble with the Steelers on their 2nd consecutive
week on Bye so when…wait a second, the Steelers weren’t on Bye and Big Ben
ended up playing? And South lost while putting up 2nd low
points? And he lost to Mitch? This might have been the only upset
more surprising than Trump’s beatdown of Hillary. Now he gets the #1 team and South’s going to
do whatever possible to avoid a losing streak.
Now if only Finken could somehow get in this matchup with these two
teams, they could have a “least amount of facial hair grown” derby as a
tiebreaker.
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| South's playoff hopes slipping away. |
6.
Smells Low – Pattern Watch: Week 9,
a loss to Seth means the pattern continues. Ajayi had another huge week
but not another guy scored over 17 and Riley put up low score of the
week. At least there wasn’t much he could do since only 6 of his bench
players scored more than the number of reasonable looking hats Riley owns: 0.
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| 2 hats for the price of 1? That's Riley's kind of deal. |
7.
Play It Backwards – Welcome out of
the cellar Mitch. You’re still last in points and tied for the worst
record, but at least you’ve won 2 of the past 3 and amassed about the most
random roster of guys we’ve seen. No one thought you had a chance without
AJ Green against a full strength FIT but when South got your SnapChat picture
of Lazer holding a sign that said “Playoff Finals”, he predictably balled up
and wet himself. PIBs future looks bright as he faces Abel followed by a
Falconless Lazer. Be careful Mitch, you might need to strategically
protect those first four draft picks.
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| Mitch's living the dream right now. |
8. I’m Out – Hasn’t scored over 148
since Week 3 and has now lost 6 in a row. One more and Abel gets a set of
steak knives…
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