Week 10 is in the books and there
are now only 4 weeks left until the postseason begins. The playoff picture
is coming into focus as Seth and Kyle are pretty much safe at this point and
Abel and Mitch are safely out. It’s still possible but would take a huge
upset for Riley to stick his nose into the last playoff spot. That means
one of our top three finishers last year will be left out in the lurch as
Finken, Lansink and South get to fight it out for 2 playoff spots. Once
the standings are settled at the end of the year, we can point back to this past week's matchups as each of the 4 winners this past weekend swept the season series
against their foe.
But that’s not the real story of the
week. Of course it’s the election of our new Supreme Leader, Donald J.
Trump. Now we’ve all heard his speeches and rhetoric over the past months and it’s only a matter of time before he unseats Mitch as commissioner
of our fake sportsing league as well. So we figured we would take some
time this week and see if we could figure out his stance on the league and how
he would Make the CNK Great Again®.
Hot Take Trade Analysis: Seth
acquires DeAndre Hopkins, Brock Osweiler and Kyle’s 2nd round pick
while Garrett acquires the Red Rifle, Jamison Crowder and Seth’s 1st
round pick.
This is a puzzling trade to some of
us and rest assured, President Trump will assign a special prosecutor to get to the
bottom of it. For Seth, it makes sense. He’s got 3 young, top QBs
and while Dalton is steady, he doesn’t have the upside of the other guys.
Crowder is just a depth piece which he doesn’t really need but will be solid
once those old WRs leave DC next year. Giving up these guys and a late R1
pick for a potential top 5 WR is a no brainer, especially if the Texans can
improve their QB situation next year. But even if they can’t, Hopkins is
a free agent after 2017. For South, this is a continuation in a series of
strange trades (mainly with Kyle). Giving up an elite WR in his 4th
year for a QB he won’t use outside of Byes and injuries, a WR2/3 and a late
R1 pick. For all intents and purposes, he’s turned into the Cleveland Browns of Card
Night Kangs of trading. But in the end, Trump will endorse this trade since someone got
fleeced and the rich get richer.
 |
| Nothing except your shot at the playoffs South. |
And now on with the Power Rankings…
1.
Ah It’s Early – If there’s one team
in the league Trump would endorse, it would be Seth. Why? Because
he’s a winner. All he does is win. He’s got the best team, a substantial lead in the polls
and he’s banging one of his rival manager's sister. That’s the type of guy Trump wants
to back. AIE took care of FIT even without getting that trade pushed
through prior to Sunday and it’s probably a good thing as he optimized his
starting lineup. Had he acquired Hopkins, he probably would’ve started
him over T Williams and lost. That’s the sort of back room dealing that
empires like Trumps are built on. Up next for Seth is…who cares. David Johnson
will crush the dreams of whoever he plays.
 |
| At this point, Seth's just rubbing it in. |
2.
Off Suit 10s – Trump’s also a big
fan of Kyle’s team since, just like his campaign, Kyle’s success is mainly
driven by mediocre performances against bad competition. But that makes
Kyle a winner too, and Trump endorses that. To help Lehman, Trump would
not only tear down cumbersome bank regulations so his employers can continue to
cheat billion$ from the working people, but he’d also end unwieldy trade
restrictions within the league. Our resident wheeler-and-dealer would be
able to fire off unlimited trades that wouldn’t be able to be vetoed, even with
by the tradee themselves. He’ll even set up a private email server for
the league to use so these dealings can be done without the public
seeing. It'll be the wild west of fake football.
 |
| Free trade? Lehman Brothers will be doing flips for that. |
3.
Rollin’ 4 Deep – Trump endorses
Finken mainly because of his conservative nature and the paleness of his
skin. However, his first act as President would be to appoint his
daughter Tiffany (or is it Brittney, or Candi?) as Special Roster Advisor to
Finken since, once again, he put out worse flex candidates than the Democratic
National Committee. It seems repetitive to point out that he had 7 guys
on the bench that outscored every Flex starter. Luckily for R4D, his QBs
showed up once again and Elliott saved his ass by busting through for 2 late
TDs. Tiffany will lobby the league to allow 5 more Flex spots in order to
create jobs and alleviate the pressures of making decisions for R4D. Finken hopes to keep the momentum going against Kyle
this week’s matchup which should all but secure a playoff spot for the victor.
 |
| Zeke might still be running. |
4.
If We’re Using Logic – Lansink has
now lost 2 games this year by less than a point. Trump advocates for his
fellow real estate mogul to claim that the system is rigged against him and vow
to fight the results of these matchups. Between these losses, no trading
partners and shady trade deals against Lazer, the CNK is obviously conspiring
against IWUL and he must expose the truth for the masses to see. It
definitely isn’t due to the fact he doesn’t have a consistent RB or that Gronk
was out for the first 4 weeks or that Julio and ODBag have been hot and cold this
whole year. The loss is not good for the defending champ, but he’s got 2
bottom feeders in his next four games. Trump will most likely look to appoint a “fair
and balanced” judge who will watch over Lazer’s matchups to make
sure no unfortunate “precedents” are set without his knowledge.
 |
| Good thing this catch wouldn't have made a difference. |
5.
Fuck It Three – At the beginning of
the year, FIT’s team was the one that looked like a juggernaut and Trump’s
first thought was to build a wall south of town to keep FIT from taking over
the league. And if the wall had to block off Mitch’s terrible team as
well, then so be it. South would probably pay for it too if enough candy
and Mountain Dew were offered. But alas, President Trump’s stance on this has
softened as Garrett is just not as threatening as he used to be. He’s
proven to be more of a working class manager with a number of rust-belt
Steelers on his team. FIT should be able to get right this week over
Riley and Abel next week but then finishes up against Chris and Kyle to decide
his playoff fate. He’ll have to get over his fear of Chris in Week 13 if
he wants to return to the playoffs and impress Trump with his unorthodox
ability to overcome being an underdog.
 |
| Even this wasn't enough to overcome AIE. |
6.
Smells Low – Despite just turning
old enough to vote, Trump is also here for Riley, mainly due to his biggest
supporter, Tom Brady being his QB of choice. Trump has long since
degraded the Affordable Care Act as a terrible, horrible no good healthcare
plan but he’s decided to save parts of it for Riley. First, he’ll allow
Riley to stay on his parent’s health insurance in perpetuity since he’s in
college now getting a degree more worthless than Finken’s testicles.
Second, Trump will carve out an exemption within the covered provisions to
allow for unlimited reductions to abnormally large noses. One thing that
healthcare isn’t going to help with is Riley’s awful roster as he got destroyed
by Lehman and is now a huge underdog to South. Riley’s playoff chances
looking about as good as his post-college job prospects right now.
 |
| Maybe Tony and Riley could bunk up together. |
7.
I’m Out – Abel is Trumps kind of
guy. He’s who Trump built his whole campaign to appeal to. A
simple, working class man from Winterset who enjoys Busch Light, the occasional
dip of chew, and who thinks foreign relations is grabbing the pu$$y of a French
woman. It’s guys like Abel who will truly make the CNK great again.
Unfortunately, his roster won’t be able to do the same despite a win over Mitch
this past week. With Jeffery getting suspended and Marshall on Bye, IO’s
team has fewer playmakers on it than if Abel were partnered with Patrek on
Wednesday night.
 |
| Abel's prospects going into next year. |
8.
Play It Backwards – Through 10 weeks
now, Mitch has proven to be a loser and that’s not what Trump is about.
Just sad!
No comments:
Post a Comment