Season 7 - Week 8

Week 8 is in the books and we’re going to take some time and for a change of scenery, we’re going to see where we’re at in the Best Ball league.  But first, a quick recap of what happened in the Card Night Kangs, which was pretty much the exact opposite of what Lehman predicted.  Better luck next week Kyle.

It was blow-out city this week as three teams won by 40+ and most matchups were over by the afternoon finales.  South and Kyle continued their winning ways by demolishing Seth and Riley, respectively.  They remain deadlocked at 6-2 and just a few points between them.  Mitch stayed in the 3^rd spot with a victory over Lazer.  It was a lackluster win and he needed all of those points from a newly acquired Murray in the all-so-rare Abel trade.  When reached for comment Sunday evening about said trade, we think Chris was taking it pretty well but could only make out…

We’ll find out if Mitch is for real next week against Lehman but we’re not optimistic based on the bye schedule and injury/suspension situation for PIB.  Finken continued his astounding climb out of the gutter vaulting himself into the 4^th spot after his 3^rd win in a row and his 2^nd straight 200+ game.  Despite a donut by Cooks, the rest of his roster blew up and puts him right back in position to defend his stat-correction title.  Riley, Seth, Chris all lost and continued their losing streaks because they’re losing loser McLosers.  There was really no Caesar candidate this week because none of these losers had a chance because they’re terrible at fake sports and most other things.  No one is mathematically eliminated yet but Chris and Abel’s playoffs odds are about the same as the odds of Finken having a 3^rd child.    

Onto the Card Night Queens best ball league.  I think we’d all agree that it’s been a fun experiment, like that time Chris blew his wad on Nelson Agholor and immediately put him in the starting lineup.   Much like sex, the first time is always a learning experience and going forward we’d probably tinker with the starting positions and depth.  It’d also be nice to use a platform that actually worked during the draft, tracked points, records and generally worked on any technology that was more updated than Seth’s former A/C unit.  But that’s for another day, now let’s take a look at our standings

1. If We’re Using Logic – 6-2, 1,334 pts – Well Chris at least has something to look forward to each weekend because we know it’s not his dynasty team.  Lazer’s kin-folk of old-man QBs have been decent enough each week to hide his lack of productive RBs.  His WRs have all been solid but unspectacular and Engram at TE has been good.  But what’s really going to be responsible for him winning this league is Belicheat and the Pats D’s soft schedule.  We’ll see if that changes down the stretch when they’re not facing the Jets, Dolphins, Redskins, Bills and Giants each week. 
   

2(t).Play It Backwards – 7-1, 1,284 pts – Mitch has 4 real good QB options each week after Cousins turned it on and Lamar has become the 2^nd coming of Vick.  CMC is about all he needs at RB each week but his luck at WR has been brutal.  AB has gone AWOL, AJ hasn’t taken the field yet and DeSean has played 1 game so far.  That’s tough when you’re starting 4 WRs and only have 5 options.  Luckily Diggs, ARob and DJ Moore have been consistently good the past month.  Mitch will have to hope the Panthers continue to rely heavily on the game plan that he “leaked” to them early in the season: run your undersized RB into the ground.

I'm ready for my 65 carries coach.

2(t).Off Suit 10s – 3-5, 1,284 pts –  Kyle was the man with a plan come draft time and we guess it’s kind of worked.  Mahomies, Dak and Watson have been great so he’s getting 2 above average QB outputs each week.  However, Baker’s done nothing but cook up turd sandwiches.  Michel, Ingram and McCoy have been decent at RB but what’s really boosted his total are the WR stacks he drafted of Amari, Gallup and Nuke.  His TE has been a hole with Ertz fading but the Saints have been a good choice for his only D.   Even at 3 wins, Kyle is already planning on how to spend Chris’s side-bet money.

4.    Fuck It Three – 3-5, 1,245.5 pts – South has been in a tough spot at QB with $cam hurt all year and Trubortlesky being not as good as his draftmates Watson or Mahomies (right, Mitch?).  Rodgers can only do so much alone so it’s good that Bell and Cook have held down the RB spot well and his WRs have been healthy and productive.  Hooper has also surprised at TE and his two Ds have been pretty good.  Annie apparently taught Garrett a thing or two about having at least two good Ds in your life.

5.    Ah It’s Early – 5-3, 1,224.5 pts – Like South, Seth is in even worse shape at QB with Kyler being his only option pretty much all season.  Big Ben got hurt right away and Mariota might as well have been.  Luckily his RBs have been good and he’s hoping Hunt will get some traction once he’s back.  His WRs are downright great compared to most other rosters.  Tyreeeeek, Evans and Michael Thomas lead the way and Adams should be healthy again soon.  Hockenson and OJ have murdered his TE spot and the Seattle D is average at best.  So there’s no real hope for Seth, unlike when he gives Chris’s sister that spicy look, but A+ for effort in WR drafting. 

When Seth gets that feeling...

6.    Rollin’ 4 Deep – 3-5, 1,141.5 pts – Finken’s team has been healthy all year, he just drafted players akin to the Huskers level of mediocrity.  Darnold’s mono and Jamies’s picks haven’t helped the QB scoring.  Zeke and Gurley have been decent but not all-worldly as expected.  And unlike Godwin; ODBag, James Washington, Jeffrey and Mike Williams have all failed to reach expectations.  Kelce has been consistent all year which is good because his other tight end was ruined back in his frat days.

7.    I’m Out – 3-5, 1,105.5 pts – Abel’s team isn’t bad but losing Luck to retirement and Kamara/Brees for a good chunk of the season is going to hurt.  Also drafting 6 RBs for 2 starting spots and 5 WRs for 4 starting spots is maybe not ideal planning.  At least there’s no FAAB or waivers to worry about though.

Losing doesn't seem to bother Abel, just keep s rocking on.

8.    Smells Low – 2-6, 1,034 pts – Having Foles and Haskins as 2 of your 4 QBs has not set Riley up for success.  Barkley and his other RBs have been decent but his WRs are more of a tire-fire than his dynasty team at the beginning of this year.  Only Theilen, Landry and Boyd could be called regular contributors.  The others either have been brutal or haven’t played at all.  Kittle has been alright at TE but the Bears D aren’t what they were last year.  His name forebodes his chances at cashing in this league.

Riley checking the best ball league all year.

Season 7 - Week 8 Preview

#1 FIT VS #6 AIE: Current projections show FIT winning by 36 points and a 73% chance of winning. AIE and FIT are even at QB and WR. FIT will run away with things with his RBs and FLEX spots. He already has 48 points on the board with Cook and Diggs playing last night. I do not see a path for AIE to win this matchup. FIT wins, closer than the projections say, but still easily 179.4 to 155.7

CNK GAME OF THE WEEK

#2 OS10s vs. #4 Smells Low: The current projections show this as a very close matchup and it very well should be. OS10s has CMC, other than that this is a fair matchup. This could come down to who has the better QB play. OS10s will squeak this one out 158.4 to 154.2 after Carr gets a few garbage TDs vs. Houston.

#3 PIB vs. #8 IWUL: Revenge spot of the week for PIB. PIB can keep IWUL wandering why he didn’t blow his roster up at the beginning of the year with a win this weekend. Cousins did Cousins things and asked everyone “if they liked that” and scored 11.6 points last night against the 2^nd worst team in the NFL. Correct projections have PIB winning this one by 14 points, and I think that happens plus some. IWUL is always dangerous with OBJ and Julio, but his thin RB stable can’t be trusted. PIB wins 181.6 to 141.8, with a big game from Duke Johnson.

UPSET of the Week

#5 R4D vs. #7 I’m Out: R4D is favored by 26 points in this matchup and I’m Out is off to a great start with Rudolph scoring 4.7 points. R4D holds an advantage in QB, RB, WR, well everyone. I’m Out has been trending in the right direction and to that we commend him. R4D still walks away with this matchup 159.1 to 131.6. The upset is the fact that I’m Out has set a full lineup 7 weeks in a row. Congrats Abel, you are doing it.

Season 7 - Week 7

Week 7 is in the books and that means we have reached the mid-point in our 7^th season of the Card Night Kangs.  No one has either taken a commanding lead or fallen too far behind as we have two teams at each win plateau between 2 and 5 wins.  Even the points aren’t drastically different from top to bottom.  And even with removing K and D, scoring haven’t changed dramatically.  As you’ll see below, points are up historically but actually lower than last year.  We’ve averaged about 4.3 200-point games per year in the previous 6 years but have already had 5 thru 7 weeks.  So the highs are definitely higher but there are dramatic swings in volatility that come with those extra two starting spots. 

Season	Total Points	Points per Week
2019	8,821.36	157.52
2018	17,736.82	158.36
2017	15,728.46	140.43
2016	16,364.66	146.11
2015	16,320.16	145.72
2014	16,932.53	151.18
2013	16,720.54	149.29

But as the 2^nd half begins with all of us technically still alive for the playoffs, enjoy each weekend, as it will soon enough be gone from our lives like Seth’s hairline or Chris’s youth.  And now, on with the power rankings….

1.       Fuck It Three – Kyle may technically be atop the standings in Yahoo but it’s only because of a 2-point tiebreaker.  Both teams have the same record and South easily came out victorious in their Week 4 battle.  Garrett has won 4 out of his last 5 after smacking Riley right in the nose last week.  Although Kerryon is now banged up and Kelce and Tyreeeeek need to be downgraded ever-so-slightly because of the Mahomies injury, he’s still got the most non-QB depth in the league.  When reached for comment, Annie had a different opinion. 

Honey, let's keep that on the down-low.

2.       Off Suit 10s – Despite all of the doubters, Kyle has to be considered the co-favorite to make the title game at this midway point.  He got just enough from Edelman on MNF to close the deal over Lazer like it was a 40’ RV with three pop-outs.  With Gurley, CMC, Fournette and Michel looking solid each week and a deep stable of WR 2s, his prospects for another title are certainly better than a normal 3 bid from him.  He also solidified his TE spot with Engram in place of a very disappointing Ertz.  The 2^nd QB spot will remain a dice roll each week even if $cam comes back.  Having Carr as your QB2 is about as risky as riding with Mitch in moderate-to-light traffic. 

How Kyle's envisioning the 2nd half of the season going.

3.       Play It Backwards – Mitch is in the 5-2 club as well right?  I mean, all he had to do was beat Abel.  As it turns out, PIB needed just a little more help from Tom Terrific on MNF.  But the Pats did what Waukee did to Indianola last weekend which barely required Brady to take the field.  Coach Curtis gets the Caesar of the Week award as either of the QBs on his bench substituted for his starters would’ve given him the victory.  He gets his chance at revenge this coming week against his Waukee rival Coach Lansink.  While Kamara and Adams are expected back soon, Mitch is hoping his varsity players and big-league coordinating experience fares well against Lazer’s middle school squad and his Crayola-coordinated game plans. 

Mitch getting ready for his matchup with Lazer.

4.       Smells Low – Riley was just starting to stick his nose into contention after 3 straight wins when he absolutely crapped the bed with a sub 90 total against South.  Similar to his wrestling ability, it was actually pretty impressive from an awfulness standpoint.  Burkleton has 30 guys on his Grindr app CNK roster and only 3 were on bye.  Out of those 30 guys, only 5 managed to put up double digits.  A closer examination of his wins were against the 3 worst teams so far this year as well.  To be fair, that explains a lot about his dating life…

Pretty much a summation of Riley's roster last week.

5.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – After just a nightmare start to his stat-correction title defense of 3 straight losses, Finken began quietly turning his season around a few weeks ago.  He’s now won 3 of the last 4 and did to Seth what the Gophers recently did to his Huskers.  Scoring 160+ in 5 of the last 6 and posting over 200 last week leaves Finken primed for the stretch run and it starts with getting revenge against Abel in Week 8.  He’ll have to be on his game though, as Abel’s looking to extend his longest winning streak in (probably) decades.

Finken is coming back but it looks like the Huskers are not.

6.       Ah It’s Early – Seth began the year on fire almost assuring that the trophy would be hanging above his bed giving him something additional to gaze upon while he’s, well…you know.  But after 3 straight losses, he’s fighting just to stay in the conversation.  And now Mahomies is hurt and he gets to face South without Dak or Amari.  That means he’s relying on Ryan Tannehill and Philip Rivers at QB this week.  That’s bad enough to make us think Melvin Gordon might voluntarily hold out of this matchup as well.  He’s made some odd roster moves and Seth must be holding onto 210 lbs. Gronk in order to help him secure the 3^rd pick?  That won’t make up for Engram’s absence.

Sorry Seth, Gronk ain't going to do it.

7.       I’m Out – Abel got his 2^nd win of the year so we’re going to reward excellent participation with a bump in the rankings.  But don’t get too cocky young Jared.  Had Brady thrown one more TD on MNF, you would’ve been awarded the Caesar for sure.  Not foreseeing Marvin Jones career-best day (luckily just missed high bench points) is understandable against his hometown Vikings.  But leaving Latavious Murray on the bench with Kamara out and starting either Jamal Williams or Jordan Howard instead, both time-share backs, is borderline inexcusable.  We will commend him that he’s been able to set a full roster each week and tight-rope the 5 QBs situation (for the most part).  Thank goodness for Darnold’s spleen and Rosen’s ineptitude. 

Wait, I have a way to get off Abel's team...

8.       If We’re Using Logic – Apparently Mitch was onto something in the offseason recommending Chris blow it all up and start from scratch. 

This times, it's Lazer's turn to receive.

Hot Take Trade Analysis

Seth gets TY Hilton, Dede Westbrook, Philip Rivers and Kyle’s 2020 3^rd rounder

Kyle gets Evan Engram, N’Keal Harry, and Derek Carr

To us, this comes down to how you value TY for Engram.  Rivers and Carr are mediocre QBs that could see their NFL lives coming to an end very soon.  But the additional value of Rivers is negated by the youth of Carr.  If Gruden, the QB whisperer, is able to work his magic with Carr, this becomes a lopsided trade in a hurry.  Dede is young and has produced decently this year.  Harry is a top-level prospect but hasn’t played yet and could have a dicey QB situation as soon as next year.  As Abel can attest, some top-level prospects are unAbel to line up to their hype.  *cough* Treadwell *cough* Doctson *cough*  Hilton is a boost to AIE’s WR corps but not sure it’s enough to offset the drop in TE Seth is going to suffer, now shuffling Everett and Cook in instead of the no-brainer Engram.  It’s mostly fair to both sides but we deem Lehman the winner.  What would you expect from a seasoned used-car salesman? 

Kyle after another successful lemon sale.

Season 7 - Week 5

Week 5 is in the books and we saw a scoring explosion hit, not seen since Seth’s wedding night, as we had 12 starters go over 30 points and 2 teams topple the 200 mark.  Will Fuller set a new single game player high with 53.7, which is higher than the speed Mitch is now allowed to drive.  But almost as impressive as some of the single player scores were this week, there were also 6 players in starting lineups that posted 1 or 0 points on the week.  That’s a more unexpectedly disappointing performance than Iowa’s offense against Michigan.   We’re only two weeks away from the midway point of the season and the completion of one round robin.  As Seth would say, it’s still early and everyone’s still in play but the teams in the bottom half had better kick it in the ass or it’s going to be a long winter.  But for now, on with the Power Rankings…

1.       Fuck It Three – As predicted in the offseason, South remains top of the class as the only team remaining at 4-1.  He’s won 4 in a row and posted over 175 in each of those matchups.  It’s probably going to take a number of injuries or a candy coma to derail his postseason hopes at this point.  The good news is that someone else finally won a weekly payout.  The bad news is that it’s looking like Tyreeeeeek will be back in his lineup soon and Diggs will probably get traded to the Pats or something.  And if these transpire with expected results, South’s national title will finally become his 2^nd most cherished trophy.  

2.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle posted the 3^rd highest total all time and it would’ve smashed the record if he would’ve put in Baby Chark, Panasonic Michel or Riley Ridley’s brother instead of TY or Fitz.  Watson and McCaffrey posted 47 points leading the way to a blowout victory over AIE, our formerly ranked #1 team.  It’s ironic that these two guys are leading the way for OS10s as both were acquired at below market value and we’re sure South and Mitch don’t regret those trades at all.  But we used to give Kyle crap for trading a bunch of stars away previously (ahem…AB and Michael Thomas for a few).  So maybe It turns out all that ridicule and a few more years of hocking steak knives and RVs have really honed Kyle’s trading skillset.  

3.       Ah It’s Early – Not much Seth was going to do this week against Lehman’s crazy day, other than console himself by the warm, sensual embrace of Chris’s sister.  He still posted a total that would’ve been good enough to beat the other 4 losing teams and remains tops in points scoring.  Amari is beginning to take on the role Gruden couldn’t envision for him in and Keenan looks as healthy as ever.  If Nuke can prove he’s not the 2^nd or 3^rd best WR on his team, Seth will be able to solidify his position in the playoffs sooner rather than later.  Boris will be proud.  

4.       Smells Low – Maybe we were a bit premature (which never happens, we swear) in touting Riley’s rebuilding as “ongoing”.  Although beating Finken this year is nothing special, he’s now won 3 of his last 4 and has posted 155+ in those 4 matchups.  This week, he rode Wilson and A A Ron Jones to his 3^rd 200 point game of all time.  And that was with a 0.0 in his Flex spot after Dorsett got hurt.  With quality QBs and some crafty trades that have netted him a plethora of young WR talent, Riley cannot be overlooked.  Unfortunately for him, neither can his nose. 

5.       Play It Backwards – Remember when Mitch was riding high after Week 3, much like his Indianola squad against those poor inner-city kids?  Sitting at 3-0 with AB and Duke in new supposedly prosperous roles with dynamic offenses.  Those were the days.  Unfortunately for him, those days are past as AB is busy crop-dusting PhDs, and Duke has been supplanted by Carlos Hyde, who we can only assume is Lazer’s replacement for HOFer Doug Baldwin.  As is any road trip with Mitch, he still managed to keep it interesting against South after Thomas went off but you can’t post two 0.0s in your lineup and expect to beat Southie Luck.  We would laugh at him for the 0.0 in the TE spot when he’s got 5 TE choices on his roster.  But a deeper examination of the facts show a combined score of 0.0 for all 5.  Good work on not leaving any points on the bench I guess.  

6.       If We’re Using Logic – Chris got a much needed victory against Abel to snap the losing streak.  Fuller’s single game high point total was a necessity as 5 other starters posted single digits, including Julio and ODBag.  He’s lucky that the Broncos knocked off the Chargers, not only for his Chiefs division hopes, but it also kept Ekeler valuable, catching 15(!) passes to go with his 3 rushing attempts.  According to reports, Mitch prompted him to insert Fuller into the lineup instead of Henry.  We’re glad to know that Chris now needs assistance in setting his lineup each week; but it’s especially bad in this case, just to beat Abel.  Maybe we should get Chris a life-alert bracelet but instead of calling an ambulance, it calls random owners in the league to advise on lineup conundrums.  

7.       I’m Out – Jared was saved from the bottom spot again based on Finken’s futility and his Week 1 victory over him.  While he topped his 2018 season victory total in Week 1, he has yet to build on this small success in dropping 4 straight.  He smartly burned Danny Dimes redshirt knowing he’s the future, although probably not this week on a short week with no weapons against the best D in the league.  At least Darnold is back after contracting mono at one of Riley’s college lesbo parties.  However, this means he’s got 5 starting QBs and has to get rid of one of them.  Unfortunately there’s absolutely zero chance that Jared puts a quality trade proposal together for a QB-needy team before the weekend (hint, hint).  

8.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – We don’t know what was more pathetic this week, Finken’s new entry on the Wall of Shame, Mike Evans highlight reel or his Husker’s offensive showing at home against Northwestern.  We’re sure it’ll get better this week against Southie…

Season 7 - Week 4

Week 4 is in the books and we’re now a quarter thru the regular NFL season.  Don’t take this for granted boys as pretty soon it’ll be playoff time, the Eagles and Chiefs will have everything locked up and the Vikings and Bears will be scouting QBs in the draft.  Your humble moderators finally found some time out of their busy days of surfing the internet and chatting with coworkers to put together another batch of lame jokes and bad observations. 

But enough about that, on with the Power Rankings…

1.       Ah It’s Early – It wasn’t pretty but Seth proved once again to be the smarter, tougher, more able Son of Den with a victory over his brother-in-law by a margin thinner than his neckbeard, but definitely not as thin as his hairline.  Needlessly dropping $85 on Wayne Gallman ended up being worth it as that was enough to push him over the edge.  Well, that and Dak’s final pass to Amari Sunday night.  That’s how Seth closes the deal.  It makes us at Power Rankings Headquarters wonder just how many Lansinks Seth’s closing skills would work on…

Seth walking around Lansink family reunion.

2.       Fuck It Three – Sometimes it’s just nice to be Southie.  He posted high points this week taking him to his 3^rd victory in a row.  Lamar is proving to be the 2^nd coming of a young $cam Newton, and the king’s ransom he paid for Chubb is finally paying dividends.  And on top of it all, he’s now won all 4 of the weekly payout prizes after his Chubb broke an 88 yard run.  And if Goff tosses for 500+ again, he’s going to win this week’s too.  Unfortunately for the rest of the league, Southie doesn’t need Luck to be Lucky.

Garrett's used to a little chubb, now he's got a man-sized one.

3.       Play It Backwards – Not unexpectedly, Mitch hit a bump in the road after cruising to a 3-0 start (or was it a small rodent? Not sure, he wasn’t paying attention).  Watkins is proving to be a Chumbawumba-level one-hit-wonder while Corey Davis might have cranked out his only top-40 hit while sitting on the bench.  Adams recovered from last week’s dud but it’s going to take a lot more than “want to” to recover from his banged up toe.  At 3-1, he’s still in the driver’s seat (unfortunately) for the playoffs but without AB and Trubortlesky in his lineup, his bench is weaker than Riley’s game with the lesbians. 

4.       Off Suit 10s – CMC continued his tear and Gurley finally showed up while Fournette paid immediate dividends in his investment.  However, Lehman’s WRs tripped over their feet as none scored over 7.5 points.  DeShaun will need to continue on his roller coaster run this week if Kyle wants to compete as he’s at 2-2 and in the middle of the pack with AIE coming to town.  Roller coaster doesn’t begin to describe his best ball team, which is 2^nd in total points but sports a 0-4 record.  Fortunately for Kyle, there’s no such thing as “who cares” territory in best ball leagues. 

Kyle's best ball strategy is kind of working.  

5.       Smells Low – Riley rode Godwin like a rented mule and still barely survived his Abel bye week.  MNF was tense as his new Boyd toy just kept up with teammate Ross to give him the victory.  He pretty much optimized his lineup too as not a single player on his bench scored double digits.  He should be good though after this week since the 49ers don’t have any more byes.  With 5 of them on his team, Riley’s has invested more in San Francisco real estate and Chris has in the Des Moines slums. 

Is Riley in Chicago now?

6.       If We’re Using Logic – It seemed like a good idea to bid $51 on Nelson Agholor.  It also seemed like a good idea to stick him in the starting lineup on Thursday since the rest of the Eagles receiving corps were banged up.  But game clock ticked to 0:00 and poor Nelson had the same next to his name with no injury qualifier.  With 4 other starters putting up single digits, Chris was flirting with 2019’s 1^st entry in the Wall of Shame.  Fortunately for him, Melvin wasn’t game ready enough to render Ekeler useless and Woods put together the game that he needed last week against Southie.  Three players combining for 5.4 points is not a great look and Lazer will have to do better next week if he wants to avoid matching Finken’s embarrassment in getting beaten by the Abel Bye Week. 

Captain Kirk has been about as effective of Lazer's lineup outside of Ekeler.

7.       Rolln’ 4 Deep – Finken saved his season by defeating Mitch as Rodgers finally showed up and Conner filled the Barkley-sized hole in his lineup.  He chose the wrong rookie WR’s redshirt to burn but luckily he’s got 4 more to rotate into that spot.  He’s still got time to get back into playoff contention as Riley’s on deck this week.  But if he’s rollin’ 4 deep in the loss column by Week 5, it might be time to start positioning himself for next year’s generational RB. 

Finken's almost back in the race.

I’m Out – Jared should’ve won this matchup against Riley with Andrews in the TE spot instead of Rudolph or Alshon over Ross.  Jordan Howard put up 32.5 on the bench but no one saw that coming so he gets a pass on that.  But these choices doomed him and brought about his 3^rd loss in a row as he takes his usual spot at the bottom of the rankings.  May we suggest a name change to break the karma?  Something like “Set the bidder” or “Lead the ace” or “Kyle, what in the hell were you thinking?”…the helpful reminders might also improve his pitch game.

At least Stafford's held up his end of the bargin.