Week 5 is in the books and we saw a scoring explosion hit, not seen
since Seth’s wedding night, as we had 12 starters go over 30 points and 2 teams
topple the 200 mark. Will Fuller set a
new single game player high with 53.7, which is higher than the speed Mitch is now
allowed to drive. But almost as
impressive as some of the single player scores were this week, there were also
6 players in starting lineups that posted 1 or 0 points on the week. That’s a more unexpectedly disappointing
performance than Iowa’s offense against Michigan. We’re only two weeks away from the midway
point of the season and the completion of one round robin. As Seth would say, it’s still early and
everyone’s still in play but the teams in the bottom half had better kick it in
the ass or it’s going to be a long winter.
But for now, on with the Power Rankings…
1.
Fuck It Three – As predicted in the offseason,
South remains top of the class as the only team remaining at 4-1. He’s won 4 in a row and posted over 175 in
each of those matchups. It’s probably
going to take a number of injuries or a candy coma to derail his postseason
hopes at this point. The good news is
that someone else finally won a weekly payout.
The bad news is that it’s looking like Tyreeeeeek will be back in his
lineup soon and Diggs will probably get traded to the Pats or something. And if these transpire with expected results,
South’s national title will finally become his 2nd most cherished
trophy.
2.
Off Suit 10s – Kyle posted the 3rd
highest total all time and it would’ve smashed the record if he would’ve put in
Baby Chark, Panasonic Michel or Riley Ridley’s brother instead of TY or
Fitz. Watson and McCaffrey posted 47
points leading the way to a blowout victory over AIE, our formerly ranked #1
team. It’s ironic that these two guys
are leading the way for OS10s as both were acquired at below market value and we’re
sure South and Mitch don’t regret those trades at all. But we used to give Kyle crap for trading a
bunch of stars away previously (ahem…AB and Michael Thomas for a few). So maybe It turns out all that ridicule and a
few more years of hocking steak knives and RVs have really honed Kyle’s trading
skillset.
3.
Ah It’s Early – Not much Seth was going to do
this week against Lehman’s crazy day, other than console himself by the warm,
sensual embrace of Chris’s sister. He
still posted a total that would’ve been good enough to beat the other 4 losing
teams and remains tops in points scoring.
Amari is beginning to take on the role Gruden couldn’t envision for him
in and Keenan looks as healthy as ever.
If Nuke can prove he’s not the 2nd or 3rd best WR
on his team, Seth will be able to solidify his position in the playoffs sooner
rather than later. Boris will be
proud.
4.
Smells Low – Maybe we were a bit premature (which
never happens, we swear) in touting Riley’s rebuilding as “ongoing”. Although beating Finken this year is nothing
special, he’s now won 3 of his last 4 and has posted 155+ in those 4 matchups. This week, he rode Wilson and A A Ron Jones
to his 3rd 200 point game of all time. And that was with a 0.0 in his Flex spot
after Dorsett got hurt. With quality QBs
and some crafty trades that have netted him a plethora of young WR talent,
Riley cannot be overlooked.
Unfortunately for him, neither can his nose.
5.
Play It Backwards – Remember when Mitch was
riding high after Week 3, much like his Indianola squad against those poor
inner-city kids? Sitting at 3-0 with AB
and Duke in new supposedly prosperous roles with dynamic offenses. Those were the days. Unfortunately for him, those days are past as
AB is busy crop-dusting PhDs, and Duke has been supplanted by Carlos Hyde, who
we can only assume is Lazer’s replacement for HOFer Doug Baldwin. As is any road trip with Mitch, he still
managed to keep it interesting against South after Thomas went off but you
can’t post two 0.0s in your lineup and expect to beat Southie Luck. We would laugh at him for the 0.0 in the TE
spot when he’s got 5 TE choices on his roster.
But a deeper examination of the facts show a combined score of 0.0 for
all 5. Good work on not leaving any
points on the bench I guess.
6.
If We’re Using Logic – Chris got a much needed
victory against Abel to snap the losing streak.
Fuller’s single game high point total was a necessity as 5 other
starters posted single digits, including Julio and ODBag. He’s lucky that the Broncos knocked off the
Chargers, not only for his Chiefs division hopes, but it also kept Ekeler
valuable, catching 15(!) passes to go with his 3 rushing attempts. According to reports, Mitch prompted him to
insert Fuller into the lineup instead of Henry.
We’re glad to know that Chris now needs assistance in setting his lineup
each week; but it’s especially bad in this case, just to beat Abel. Maybe we should get Chris a life-alert
bracelet but instead of calling an ambulance, it calls random owners in the
league to advise on lineup conundrums.
7.
I’m Out – Jared was saved from the bottom spot
again based on Finken’s futility and his Week 1 victory over him. While he topped his 2018 season victory total
in Week 1, he has yet to build on this small success in dropping 4
straight. He smartly burned Danny Dimes
redshirt knowing he’s the future, although probably not this week on a short
week with no weapons against the best D in the league. At least Darnold is back after contracting
mono at one of Riley’s college lesbo parties.
However, this means he’s got 5 starting QBs and has to get rid of one of
them. Unfortunately there’s absolutely
zero chance that Jared puts a quality trade proposal together for a QB-needy
team before the weekend (hint, hint).
8.
Rollin’ 4 Deep – We don’t know what was more
pathetic this week, Finken’s new entry on the Wall of Shame, Mike Evans
highlight reel or his Husker’s offensive showing at home against
Northwestern. We’re sure it’ll get
better this week against Southie…
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