Season 9 - Week 13

Week 13 is in the books and we’ve come to the last weekend of the regular season.  Yes folks, it’s sad that our season is almost over but you can rejoice that the fake, and then real NFL playoffs, are right around the corner.  But before we start looking at the playoff scenarios, let’s take a look at our trades that all happened right before the trade deadline with some patented Hot Take Trade Analysis: 

Mitch gets Ekeler and a 2023 2^nd and 3^rd while Riley gets JK Dobbins, Toney and a 2022 1^st and 2023 3^rd

 

Riley offered Ekeler to about everyone in the league and probably a few people on the street that hurriedly ran away from his Jesus haircut and rapist van.  He ended up getting a pretty good haul for him in another 1^st and two young pieces.  If Dobbin’s ACL can heal and the Giants can get a QB, Riley could be ready to compete next year even without all his draft picks.  Mitch gets one of the steadiest players this year and should make him as dangerous as anyone in the playoffs, assuming Kamara is healthy.  A few league members could benefit from some analysis of this trade and how it benefits all parties involved. 

 

Seth gets Leonard Fournette and South’s 2^nd round pick while Kyle gets Cam Akers and Riley’s 4^th rounder

 

Seth pushed all his chips in this year grabbing another depth piece to go with his already stacked lineup.  He acquired a surprisingly good Fournette and a late 2^nd for Akers who wasn’t going to help him win the title this year.  This could be the piece that pushes him over the top and may even help next year.  Kyle gets a foundational piece to build around for an aging RB and a 2^nd round pick.  From our research, that’s a little rape-y but Achilles injuries in RBs are nothing to sneeze at.

 

Kyle gets AJ Green and a 3^rd and Chris gets Zach Ertz and JD McKissic

 

This is just gross.  Good job Kyle for getting more than a ham sandwich for both of these guys. 

 

Now let’s get back to what we’re really here for.  Several things are up in the air going into our final week.  Seth and Finken are locks and get to play-it-off for the #1 seed in Week 14.  The remaining 2 spots will go to Mitch, South or Lazer.   The only problem is that the matchups leave a little to be desired as none are matched up against each other.  The three of them are all but guaranteed victories against the dregs of the league so it’ll all likely come down to points.  We’ll get into that a bit later but let’s just say it doesn’t look great for La-Lazer.

There is one thing that has been decided and that is that Kyle’s buying dinner again.  He’s been learning from the Jags and Lions in the arts of “innovators of failure” as he’s guaranteed to have the lowest season points in the ‘No K/D’ era.  Since we switched formats to the two lowest scoring teams playing for the #1 seed, Riley’s got a 50-point headstart on Abel on who faces off against Kyle.  We’ll trust that each guy has enough integrity to start an optimal line-up this weekend and may the worst man lose? 

So let’s strap in and enjoy this final weekend.  And now on with the rankings:

1. Ah It’s Early – Seth could’ve wrapped up the #1 seed this past week but lost to the only team that outscored him.  Now he gets to face off against Finken in a winner-take-all for the right to choose their opponent.  And remember, the #1 seed is even more important as you’ll face off against that team for 2 cumulative weeks.  He’s a favorite right now and even though his 3 Bucs are going against a stout Bills D, the weather probably won’t be in Tampa what it was in Buffalo Monday night.  They’ll probably be as much scoring in that game as there is in the Johnson household on a weekly basis.

2. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken somehow hung on against South after Diggs could not manage the 11 points Garrett needed for victory.  Had that not had happened, he almost surely would’ve missed the playoffs.  Mitch, South and Chris are heavy favorites and all have a points lead over him as well.  So he goes from probably missing the playoffs to vying for the #1 seed.  MNF could not have been an easy watch for the other 3 bubble teams (along with the rest of America).  So Finken gets a chance to defend his title and become the 1^st three-time champ.  Well, of course other than Chris’s claimed 5 titles. 

Finken jumping into the TB12 Method is paying off.

3. Play It Backwards – With the addition of Ekeler (and assuming Kamara makes it back), Mitch may have the best roster playoff roster aside from his uninspiring TE options.  But in a way, he’s lucky to still be in the playoffs.  After 5 weeks of very poor production (just 125 per week in Weeks 8-12!), he managed 2 victories in there (we’ll let you guess who those were against) and finally reemerged as a contender this past week in taking down Seth.  He’s fairly safe in the playoff picture; a win and he’s in.  A loss and a loss by either South or Chris, and he’s in.  The only way he misses out is if he loses and both Garrett and Chris win and Lazer outscores him by 70 points.  Luckily Chris doesn’t have the talent Lewis Central does so he’s probably home free. 

It's been dicey for Mitch but he's pretty much safe.  

4. Fuck It Three – At one point after the early games, South was projected to score over 200 and crush Finken after Jefferson and Montgomery went crazy.  However, Yahoo did not foresee the 5 single digit totals that his skill guys were going to post in late action.  So South, who’s been rolling lately and has by far the more points scored in the league (and potentially all-time with a +190 game in Week 14), is in danger of missing the playoffs.  He makes the playoffs if he wins or if both him and Chris lose.  However, if Lazer beats Kyle and South somehow loses to an Ekeler-less Riley, it’s going to be a long offseason of scouting 5^th round picks.  He likely (editors note: FINALLY!!!) won’t be able to undercut Finken in the draft this year.

South every week against every team.

5. If We’re Using Logic – Well that’s a kick in the crotch. Chris thought his Greatest Drafts Ever™ had paid early dividends as he went on a midseason run and JT became the best player in fantasy.  But then Ridley opted out, Pitts stagnated, CEH and Woods got hurt, and the combo of Chase, Lamb and Mike Williams stopped producing.  His team became the Kirk Cousins of the CNK…good enough to almost get you there but not enough to seal the deal (something he may want to talk to Seth about).  There’s good news and bad news.  The good news is he gets to face Kyle in Week 14.  The bad news is all South has to do is beat the RB-less, starting 2 TEs Riley.  The other bad news is that it’ll be tough to outscore Mitch by 70 without Taylor or Pittman, and now Mike William’s unvaxxed ass.  One would think that back-to-back Best Drafts Ever™ would yield higher playoff odds but then again, your humble moderators are not math guys.  Chris might have to break the Crayons out once again.

Lansink trying to figure a way into the playoffs.

6. Smells Low – Riley gets some credit for being competitive earlier this year after unloading Godwin, Jones and Montgomery.  He won a few games he probably shouldn’t have and even had a chance at the last playoff spot until Josh Allen (and more realistically Bill Belichick) closed the door on that Monday night.  And unless he goes off on South (like he did in Week 7), he’ll be going against Kyle for the #1 pick.  As previously mentioned, Riley’s done a good job of tearing it down despite keeping his key pieces while grabbing young talent and 2 years of draft capital.  In a way, he kind of out Kyle’d Kyle.  After the 2023 draft, his team could be sexier than his sister’s Instagram page.    

7. I’m Out – Much like his visit to the Rhino, this season just did not go the way Abel or really any of us thought it would.  After acquiring Henry, CMC, Thielen and Keenan Allen along with adding Trevor Lawrence, Jared was primed for his own title run after getting some playoff experience last year.  But now he’s tied for the worst record and is only playing for pick 3.1 vs 3.3.  He could finish the season on a 3 game winning streak by taking down Mitch and making things interesting but we don’t think his lone waiver wire addition of Nelson Agholor is going to make up for all the IR weeks of his key guys.  Maybe next year Abel.

Yes Abel...next year is it...

8. Off Suit 10s – Lehman, you treated us to an incredible meal last year in Vegas and for that we’ll be forever grateful.  We won’t be expecting the same from you this year because from the looks of this draft class and your overall depth chart, you might be sitting here again one year from today.  But we have faith that our local used car salesman has something up his sleeve to bring him out of the cellar.  We’ll have our popcorn waiting.

Season 9 - Week 10

Week 10 is in the books and it’s time for another installment of the Power Rankings.  We’d like to apologize for these being more irregular than a Sunday morning pee stream but it’s been a busy fall for your humble moderators.  Garrett’s been busy negotiating labor peace at John Deere with those fat-cat union workers (geez, they’re worse than teachers…) and Finken’s been dodging the ‘rona and gators on the golf course in Florida.  We’d love to stay that it’ll become more consistent the rest of the year but it probably won’t.  We’re both busy businessmen doing business things.    

Anyway, we are rounding the corner into the home stretch of our regular season.  Only four games remain of our fake fantasy football season and we’re nearing do or die time for those teams on the bubble.  It’s starting to take shape and as we’ll dig into below, realistically there’s 5 teams competing for 4 spots and just like 5-handed, someone’s going to have to sit this one out.  So without further ado, let’s take a look at the power rankings…

 1. Ah It’s Early – Seth’s basically a shoe-in for the playoffs at this point.  He’s 8-2 with the 2^nd most points and a game left against Kyle.  But after a 6-0 start to the season, he’s been on shaky ground recently with Nuke, Jones and Edmonds banged up.  He’s got a big game this weekend against his much older brother-in-law who is on the ropes after a second-high-on-the-week points loss.  Unfortunately for Chris, the only guy who scores more in this league is Seth, if you know what we mean…

2. Play It Backwards – Mitch is also is great position to secure a spot in the playoffs.  And luckily, he won’t run into Lewis Central in this contest.  He’s sitting at 7-3 and tied for 2^nd most points.  And he’s done all this despite being bit by this year’s IR bug.  He’s currently got 7 guys on the IR and barely survived his pillow-fight with Riley last week without Kamara.  Fortunately he was given the league’s highest scoring WR this offseason in exchange for beans…not even magic beans.  He could cement his place this week by taking down Finken but he’ll have to do it without Kupp and potentially Kyler and Kamara again.  History says he’ll need to score more than 116 in this contest but who knows with Finken’s weekly output.  All we know is some poor RB is going to get saddled with 56 carries with Mitch on the headset. 

3. Fuck It Three – When you think of unlucky, you think of “the only thing that keeps me from winning this parlay is a pick-6”, not South.  But this year, it’s surprisingly South.  We all knew regression, like winter, was coming.  After losing a few high-scoring affairs earlier in the year, he’s righted the ship and is poised to make a run.  He’s scored high points the past two weeks, the most points overall, a healthy roster (outside of his lil’ Chubby) and a date with Riley and Kyle still to come.  He probably won’t claim the #1 seed most likely but there’s little doubt (jinx initiated) someone will be avoiding him the first round of the playoffs.

South after he wins out and claims the #1 seed.

4. Rollin’ 4 Deep – During Nebraska’s bye week, Finken decided to play the role of Scott Frost and lose in an inexplicable way to a bad team.  Not only has he given Abel his only win on the season, but he lost last week as a 42-point favorite against Kyle in a game that probably would’ve solidified his playoff spot.  And while his record gives him a favorable chance, he’s behind South and Chris in points and still has the 3 highest scoring teams on the schedule.  Back-to-back titles is looking about as likely as back-to-back weeks with a card night.

Finken should also fire whoever it is that sets his lineup each week.

5. If We’re Using Logic – A few weeks ago, Chris’s team looked like it was peaking at the right time after 4 straight wins and he was ready to make a title push.  But after losing to Finken and South, the momentum vanished faster than his chances in the best-ball league (seriously, go look at Lazer’s team).  However, he may still have the best odds to claim that 4^th playoff spot over Finken because after his date with Seth this weekend, he gets Abel, then Riley and then Kyle to close the season.  We’ve consulted a resident expert and that schedule is confirmed to be easier than a Lansink sister. 

6. Smells Low – Much like Chris, Riley was rolling lately after 3 wins and threatening to be relevant in the discussion as we close the season.  However, that came to a screeching halt after he couldn’t score a measly 117 to take down Mitch.  If only he would’ve put in Bateman instead of one of the garbage RBs he’s been rolling out there, he’d be sitting at 5-5 and on the brink of contention.  But at 4-6 and the 2^nd lowest points, his chances are about as good as us watching a Raiders game from the owner’s box next year for the draft.    

7. Off Suit 10s – Kyle is right where he wants to be but even better, Abel is also right where Kyle wants him to be.  Kyle’s voodoo curses and ceremonial dances have worked their magic and odds are that he’ll hold the first two picks of Round 1 and Round 2 next year.  And while he doesn’t necessarily want win any more games and solidify that, he has a chance to make sure that Lazer’s picks are top 4 as well in the last week of the season.  Let us propose a scenario.  Lazer goes into Week 14 needing a win to make the playoffs.  Kyle’s garbage team takes down Chris’s loaded roster of “best draft ever studs” and doesn’t get a shot at the title.  Where can we sign up to stream this live?    

8. I’m Out – Even getting CMC back last week didn’t make the difference.  After 9 L’s in a row, the suck continues to run deep. 

Happy Thanksgiving typewriters... 

Season 9 - Week 7

Week 7 is in the books and you know what that means…yes, not only is it time for dressing in something slutty for Halloween that your wives/girlfriends/concubines won’t appreciate, but it also marks the halfway point on our 2021 CNK regular season.  Everybody has now played everyone else and we are about to embark on our 2^nd round robin.  We’ve seen a new high all-time score by Mitch and a new all-time low points by Riley of the no K/D era.  Sadly, we’ve also seen only a handful of truly competitive games as most games are decided by late Sunday afternoon.  The average winning score is 191.51 and the average losing score is 143.98.  It’d be nice if there was a little more drama going into MNF.  Come on guys, get your shit together.

But before we got into the Power Rankings, we figured we’d reflect on the season so far and hand out a few very prestigious awards.   

-         Best Rebound – This is an easy one.  Seth finished last season 2^nd lowest in points and tied for the worst record.  But now he reigns supreme at the top of our standings.  It seemed like every move he made was the right one in acquiring Lockett, Jones, Henderson and Godwin along with drafting Harris and Waddle, not to mention getting Dak back from injury.  Turns out he didn’t even need that Etienne draft pick anyway…just like the Jaguars. 

-         Worst Offseason Trade – There are several to choose from (most involving Chris, obviously) but the winner is Cooper Kupp, who is currently the 4^th highest scoring player overall, getting moved for Tarik Cohen and a draft pick swap in Kyle’s steady dumping of his good players.  It feels like a steady WR would’ve been more valuable than a satellite RB in a rebuild situation but that’s just us.

-         Best Draft Pick – There were 56 draft picks made in Vegas and there are several that stand out.  Chris had a few hits with Chase and Pitts but those were lay ups.  There were also a few mid-round picks that were great values like Mac Jones at 3.7 or Toney at 4.1.  But in our humble opinion, the best draft pick goes to the very last pick, which was Cordarrelle Patterson.  He’s currently the 8^th ranked RB AND 14^th ranked WR on the year.  Finken even dropped him at cut time and picked him back up after Week 1 for a measly $2 FAAB bid.  Without Patterson, Finken’s season might be mirroring Scott Frost’s. 

-         Most Entertaining Week – Week 5.  Mitch posted the all-time high points score during Week 5 with 247.50 and it could’ve been better as Toney went off on his bench.  That same week, Lazer posted the 5^th all-time high points with 240.60 but sadly took Mike Williams out of his lineup just before kickoff.  No big deal, he only put up 36.5 on the bench.  It’s not like 275ish would’ve been a record that could’ve stood for years…perhaps decades.  And it’s also going to cost him $10 for the highest scoring bench player on the year.

-         Best/Worst Use of FAAB – This prize goes to Mitch for both of his $33 bids on Ty’Son Williams and Tony Jones.  It was the best as it was hilarious and created lots of consternation when he was awarded Tony Jones instead of Kyle, who also bid $33.  It’s the worst because Mitch used 2/3 of his FAAB on two now worthless back-up RBs.  We’re sure he won’t need any of that FAAB as this now longer season heads into the back stretch and Mitch fully in title contention mode. 

-         Earliest surrender – We assume Riley giving up after Week 3 counts.  The sad thing is, he waited until Week 6 to post the all-time low score of the non-kicker-or-D era. 

-         Biggest Disappointment – Oh Abel, poor Abel….

Awards are fun and all but what we’re really here for is some power rankings.  And in honor of Halloween just days away, let’s look at the power rankings thru a spooky lens of what each team is afraid of. 

1. Ah It’s Early – After winning the title in 2016, Seth has been toiling in obscurity for the past 4 years.  But he’s remade his team and come back with a vengeance like Michael Myers.  His roster is stacked and deep in most spots outside of QB.  Now, he’s got 2 of the best in his starting spots but if either (or both!) go down for a significant amount of time, he could be in more trouble than a teenage babysitter in Haddenfield, IL as  Heinecke is his only other option.  Here’s hoping Dak and Pat get all of their massages at the training facilities. 

Seth just going about his business killing other teams.

2. Play It Backwards – Mitch has been riding high this year on the backs of Brady, Kupp, Kyler and his Indianola WRs.  He’s posted the 2^nd best record and the highest points thru Week 7.  So what does he have to be scared of you ask?  He’s more terrified than the only black character in a horror movie that Benjamin Button Brady continues to get younger in Tampa or PIB’s QB situation will be just as ugly as Seth’s.  Fields is looking like he’s seeing ghosts and Miami is courting a potential felon to replace Tua.  His RBs are also looking as beat up as Abel did after a night at the Rhino and the long walk to the playoffs may be harder than it is back to the Strip.

Probably about how Abel felt on that walk.

3. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken got a much needed win against Seth to keep his record at 5-2 and ahead of Lazer and South in the playoff race.  They always say that a good defense wins championships and R4D is playing great D as he has the lowest points scored against him on the year.  Finken’s biggest fear lurking in a dark basement is his RB depth.  You can only hitch your wagon to a 30 year-old gadget player on his 5^th team for so long.  This should make Finken more nervous than a narcoleptic living on Elm St.  He may be next in line to overpay Riley or Kyle for a very average RB. 

And just like that, Finken's team could disappear from contention.

4. If We’re Using Logic – Chris’s team has really rounded into shape as a result of his Best Drafts Ever™.  After a slow start, his collection of young players have really taken off and could easily boost him into title contention.  However, most of his starters are closer in age to Brodie than himself.  The thing he needs to be more scared of than Frankenstein seeing fire for the first time is that these young whipper-snappers will start to rebel against the aging coach and tune him out.  Old Man Lazer doesn’t connect with the young’uns these days with their hip-hop music, dreadlocks and Tik-Tok videos.  He needs to make sure with his young team he doesn’t get them wet or feed them after midnight or else he’ll have a real mess on his hands. 

Chris's team is putting it together but can it function without a brain?

5. Fuck It Three – After a crazy run of success last year (until the title game J), South’s season hasn’t gone as planned and is barely on the edge of contention at this point.  But what he’s scared of is that the league is ganging up against him.  He’s scored the 2^nd most points but has had BY FAR the most points scored against him resulting in a 3-4 record.  It’s like everyone knows they need a good game to beat South so they use all their mental strength to put together a complete week against him.  Even acquiring Montgomery hasn’t helped solve his depth issues.  Maybe…just maybe, something won’t just work out for South.  However, the rest of the league may need to be more scared than a vampire at a garlic festival as he was 3-4 at this exact time a year ago. 

Will South rise from the dead like last year?

6. Smells Low – Obviously sinusitis, nasal polyps and allergies but let’s dig deeper than that.  Riley lost his first 3 matchups and threw in the Kleenex box.  After unloading Godwin, Jones and Montgomery, he’s loading up on draft capital in the next 2 years to try and equal the drafting excellence that Lazer has blueprinted recently.  But what’s scary for Riley is actually what’s scary for all of us.  If Riley hits low points and has to buy dinner, we won’t be treated to the best steak on the Vegas strip.  And that should make us all more frightened than teen campers on Friday the 13^th at Camp Crystal Lake.  We’ll all have to pool our Casey’s rewards and hijack one of Seth’s old beer trucks if we have any hope of getting a free meal at the 2022 draft. 

And with a snap of his fingers, Riley made his title hopes vanish.

7. Off Suit 10s – This season, nothing should scare Kyle.  He came into the year with his eyes wide open on what the potential was.  He knew he’d have one of the worst teams and is still trying to get worse as we speak.  And it’s playing out according to plan as he sits with the lowest points.  However, he’s snuck up and won 2 games already and is dangerously close to not making the #1 pick bowl at the end of the year.  Luckily for him, one of his other 1^st rounders is Abel’s so the king’s ransom he got for CMC might help him displace Chris’s Best Draft Ever™ in 2025…once he’s rolled all his current draft capital a few more times. 

Kyle has prepared his butthole.

8. I’m Out – Talk about the surprise of the year.  Jared was picked by some to be the top contender right there with South going into this year after acquiring CMC.  But after knocking off Finken in Week 1, he’s rattled off 6 straight losses and is sitting in the cellar of the CNK.  While he should fear giving Kyle 2 years of high draft picks, he really should be more afraid than pre-teens in Derry, ME when they see a floating red balloon that Urban Meyer is going to ruin Trevor Lawrence when Abel could’ve drafted generational talents like Chase and Pitts.  Fortunately, Jax will surely take another RB in the 1^st round of next year draft to really prop Trevor up.  

Happy Halloween!

Season 9 - Week 3

Week 3 is in the books and we’re back to check in on the Card Night Kangs.  After an odd Week 1, the next two weeks have provided a little more clarity on our league this year.  It’s still wide open as it seems like there’s 6 teams that could beat about anyone on any given weekend.  However, the race for #1 pick is also taking shape.  Not to spoil the rankings below but it seems like Kyle and Riley might as well start researching for the draft and saving up for our dinner.  

But we’re getting way ahead of ourselves.  There’s so much season left to enjoy.  So without further ado, let’s get on with the Power Rankings…

1. Ah It’s Early – After posting 200+ in each of the first two games, Seth pulled out a lower scoring game against Abel in order to stay undefeated and at the top of our rankings.  His QBs came thru as usual but this week it was the #1 rookie pick catching more balls than Riley at an orgy saving his bacon after Gronk and his WRs decided to not score TDs in bunches.  His perfect record is projected to extend past this weekend as he faces his wife’s brother.  And we all know Seth has a proven record of slaying Lansink’s over the weekends. 

2. Play It backwards – Mitch also sits with a perfect record and has actually been the most consistent team so far posting around 200 each week.  He hasn’t really needed that so far as he’s faced the dregs of the league but the competition gets stepped up this week against Finken and then South and Seth.  Kyler and Brady have been great each week and Kupp is the fantasy MVP so far.  That’s good for Mitch because tied for Fantasy LeastVP is between his other two QBs, Tua and Fields.  Yikes…

3. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Like his Eagles QB said after the Dallas game, Finken flushed the Week 1 turd by winning the last two over Lazer and Kyle.  And while the wins count the same, he has yet to hit his projected point total for any week.  It’s almost the opposite of his Huskers.  Nebraska is probably a better team than they’ve shown but they’ve pissed 3 games down their legs with stupid mistakes.  On the contrary, his R4D roster can’t put a solid week together but has fallen into winning the past few weeks.  We’re not worried, though, as we’re sure Hines or Patterson will fill in admirably when called upon. 

4. I’m Out – After beating the defending champ in Week 1, Abel got unlucky last week losing by a fraction to South.  And then he gets beat by Seth in Week 3 mainly because CMC and Shepard both went out early with injuries.  He’ll be praying that McCaffrey won’t be out for too long but if there’s a 3 week stretch to be without him, having Riley-Lazer-Kyle coming up isn’t the worst time for it to happen.  Luckily he had the foresight to grab Hubbard in the draft and got ODBag back from injury.  That’s the best foresight Abel has had since grabbing 2 extra cases of Busch Light for that dirt road party next to the Jensen 40 back in high school….knew that keg was going to run dry. 

5. If We’re Using Logic – Chris finally got one in the win column against South after a rough start to the season.  Josh Allen finally broke out but the victory was mainly due to the “Devonte Parker Memorial 5^th Year Breakout Player” award winner for 2021…Mike Williams.  He’s finally healthy and seeing a ridiculous stream of targets.  Unfortunately for Chris, it came at the expense of his Chiefs this weekend.  Much like Andy Reid, Chris almost had a heart attack when he saw that the Bills put up 43 points.  Fortunately for Chris, Allen’s 41 points weren’t heavily shared with Diggs.  And while Mahomes will get their ship righted and probably make the Super Bowl again, Lazer still has some work to do if he’s going to make a run.  That work mostly involves playing his players that score lots of points and not playing his players that do not score lots of points. 

Chris trying to set his lineup each week.

6. Fuck It Three – In all reality, South should be 0-3, which would’ve been a shock to everyone.  Abel would’ve given at least 5-to-1 odds on that happening.  If the super mediocre CEH doesn’t get the ball knocked out, (which meant Lamar got to pad his stats a bit in sealing that victory) that’s where South is sitting right now.  But he’s Garrett and the universe had other plans.  However, that doesn’t mean the Power Rankings have to abide.  We call them like we see them.  So South must be ranked behind the teams he just lost to (or should’ve).  Now if he loses this week to Kyle…oh man, there’s not enough Skittles or Mtn Dew in MN to drown his sorrows. 

Come on South, just eat it for a year.

7. Off Suit 10s – This is more of what we expected from Kyle this year.  After a surprising Week 1 victory, Lehman’s team has come back to Earth like a North Korea missile test.  He only managed 118 in Week 2 and barely broke 90 last week.  More than half of that was just from his QBs.  He did leave a bunch of points on the bench though and it’s being speculated that obviously tanking is involved.  But with the roster he’s got, it’d be tough to accuse him of anything but tanking. 

Kyle trying to rebuild his team next year with 2nd round picks.

8. Smells Low – Our only winless team has already waived the white flag and offered to trade away for younger pieces or draft capital.  But he doesn’t want to give up any good players or his own capital so…

Which brings us to….

Hot Take Trade Analysis

South gets David Montgomery, Jared Goff, a 2022 5^th and 6^th and a 2023 4^th

Riley gets Mac Jones, Kenneth Gainwell, and a 2022 3^rd (Kyle) and a 2023 1^st

Garrett bolsters his surprisingly shallow roster with another solid RB in his quest for another 2^nd place finish.  Montgomery isn’t sexy but he’s the workhorse of the team and won’t do Riley any good in a year or two.  And Goff could win the “Bortles Garbage Time QB of the Year” award this season.  Riley gets two young pieces and a few decent draft picks.  Mac Jones could be decent but has a ceiling of QB 15 most likely.  Gainewell could be a usable PPR RB but probably won’t ever have true RB1 potential.  The real value here is the draft picks which the 3^rd should be either Pick 17 or 18 next year and nabbing his third 1^st rounder in 2023.  Riley is setting himself up to take on Lazer’s best draft ever™ in a few years. 

We say South probably wins the trade but Riley gets what he wants after throwing in the towel after 3 weeks.  Good job gents...

Season 9 - Week 1

Gentlemen, football is back!  Which also means our beloved Card Night Kangs are back for our 9^th season to fill that empty space in our lives that should be filled with family, joy and all things wholesome.  Those things can wait until next March.  With COVID 100% eradicated and behind us (if it ever existed in the first place), we move on with our lives and just enjoy a bunch of barbarians smashing into each other for our entertainment. 

There are so many storylines going into the season so let’s take a look at just a couple.  Finken is our reigning champion for the second time after a miraculous playoff run with Tony Pollard, JD McKissic and Jeff Wilson.  South dominated last year’s regular season and is the heavy favorite to be let down by his team in the playoffs as usual.  Abel and Seth both reshaped their rosters in the offseason adding some big name talent that they hope to propel them into contention.  Mitch sneakily filled a few of his roster holes and Chris had the self-proclaimed 2^nd greatest draft of all time in his quest to rebuild.  Nobody really knows what Riley is up to, and finally Kyle not only sold off most of his key players to start his own rebuild project, he demolished the structure and lit the rubble on fire and pissed on the ashes. 

With all that, it lines up to be quite an entertaining year.  So let us rejoice and cherish these 17 weeks ahead of us because before too long, it will be over and we be left with only sparsely attended card nights in the dead of winter.  But before that, let’s take a look at the return of the power rankings…

 

1. Off Suit 10s – Everyone who set the over/under on wins for Kyle on the season at 1.5 (ourselves included) is eating crow this week.  After completely demoing his team and punting on the 2021 draft for 2022, Kyle was expected to struggle mightily and barely be competitive.  However, he showed all of us by storming out of the gate and upsetting Riley in Week 1.  Now, is 160 about his ceiling every week?  Probably, but will he average around 125 for the season?  Most likely.  Hurts and Cory Davis look solid, but after that, it’s hard to envision Kyle winning more than a few more games with less potential for scoring than Abel in a strip club.  So here you go Kyle, enjoy being in the top spot while it lasts.  Because it’s #1 pick or bust. 

Kyle sucks us all in, and then he just sucks the rest of the year.

2. Ah It’s Early – Seth must’ve been revisiting the pic of Garrett draped in Cyclone silk on his bed because he blew his load all over the scarfed bandit in Week 1, posting the 6^th highest score of all time.  Revenge was finally his.  Seth got off to a huge start on Thursday with the Amari-Dak stack and TB12 was able to find Gronk and Godwin like they were the last two picked at the county hide-and-seek tournament. However, no lead is safe with South on your ass.  Seth had to sweat out Lamar (like South sweats out mild wing night) on MNF after his new acquisitions of Harris and Jones failed to live up to the hype.  Winning Week 1 with high points no doubt meant Seth was celebrating into Tuesday morning on those Cyclone sheets with Chris’s sister. 

Seth is coming for all of us this year.

3. Play It Backwards – Mitch hoped to open the season being able to translate his recent success on the high school football field (now that he’s playing a bunch of pee-wee programs in Class 4) to the CNK gridiron.  Luckily, he was going against another coach who barely keeps his head above water in pee-wee football.  Old Balls Brady came out firing to AB on Thursday while Kyler might have taken the next leap into Mahomes territory, which allowed Mitch to coast to an easy victory over Lansink.  He was nervous coming into the season after losing Irv and Dobbins for the season and MT for the first stretch.  Fortunately he rigged the waiver wire to grab both sought after RBs at $33 apiece. #NeverForget$32

We call BS, this shit is rigged.

4. I’m Out – Abel’s rebuilt roster had a date with the champ in Week 1 and he left no doubt in anyone’s mind that he’s a contender.  They say to be the best, you’ve got the beat the best.  Well we’re not sure if that really applies here after the sorry effort Finken trotted out there but Abel’s here to compete in 2021.  CMC was back to his normal self, Thielen caught a few TDs, TLaw lived up to the hype (if you don’t count the terrible picks or horrendous coaching) and Jameis was out there eating Ws.  No matter what happens, between his performance in Vegas (which let exactly zero people down) and Week 1, this season’s already been a success for Jared.

Abel waking up every morning this week.

5. Fuck it Three – Well Garrett picked right back up where he left off last season (well, before the title game at least…) and that should terrify the rest of the league.  As a reminder, he posted high points 8 straight weeks to close the regular season.  In the offseason, he bolstered his QB issue by grabbing Stafford and two rookies after Watson was, let’s say, massaged out of the equation.  He’s got a replacement for Kelce in Hockenson and can still roll out a deep stable of RBs.  However, the one chink in his armor may be WR if Aiyuk doesn’t live up to the hype and Samuel and Jeudy stay sidelined.  The only thing that could stand in his way for a 8^th straight playoff run is going on a Skittles bender on his 7^th trip to Vegas this fall and forgetting to set his lineup.

Sadly, this is probably a normal dinner for South so his tolerance is unbeatable.

6. If We’re Using Logic – Chris had another draft that he wouldn’t shut up about as he grabbed Pitts, Chase and Lance to go with his stable of horses from last year.  And let’s check on how it went for him in Week 1….  

            To be fair (to be fair…), we’re all sure that he’s currently got no less than 12 HOFers (i.e. Doug Baldwin) on his roster but it might take another year or two before he can rattle off another 5 titles in 3 years.  Plus, he’s got to actually start the good players instead of the not good ones.  There were about 9 guys who could’ve boosted his score this week riding the pine, including all 3 of his 4^th round TEs.  With Pittman in his Week 1 lineup, we can only assume that he’s tanking one more year to assure that his first pick in the draft is in the top half of round 3.  There’s a couple guys he’s already got his eye on that probably won’t be there by pick 20. 

Chris usually is 4 steps ahead.

7. Smells Low – Speaking of Lansink’s TEs, we come to Riley, who’s lucky this week not to be in the bottom slot after dropping the opening game to the FCS team you’re supposed to get your backups reps to.  Riley was happy enough with his RB depth to trade away Aaron Jones to Seth.  But now all the sudden, Mostert is hurt (as usual), RoJo fumbled on his 3^rd carry and got benched and Zach Moss wasn’t even active on gameday.  Javonte had better live up to the hype or his flex positions are only going to be relevant in his truck bed/camper/house/condo/apartment.  

Riley trying to get a girl to come home with him.

8. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken had 6 big-name guys score in the single digits and only Waller on MNF kept him from posting an all-time low score in the no D/K era.  So much for defending the title.  This must be what Scott Frost feels like on a weekly basis.  Pathetic.