Season 8 - Week 1

With the COVID pandemic affecting every aspect of daily life, football is no different.  We’ve got no preseason games, empty stadiums, fake crowd noise, player opt outs and worst of all, no trip to Vegas.  But at least we do have football, which means we have fake football.  And thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for that since it seems we all need a break from our monotonous, secluded lives where we’re continually staring at the same four walls and its inhabitants with no respite. 

And with that, Year 8 for the Card Night Kangs has begun and it promises to be a season unlike any other, aside from Chris going for his 12^th championship.  Scoring and injuries looks to be higher with minimal live practices and the virus could wreak havoc on team’s rosters.  We are also on high alert for potentially cancelled games or players opting out at any time.  But so far it’s been managed pretty well and it feels like the season could go on without much trouble. 

And much like the NFL, we as your humble moderators will continue to try and put out a regular power rankings but there could be times were its not possible due to COVID, work-and-school-from-home life or just sheer laziness that we’ll blame on exterior factors.  We could even disappear for weeks like Seth on a game night.  But for now, on with the power rankings…

 1.       Fuck It Three – Garrett finally took the trophy home last year after years of losing to Lazer in the playoffs and he’ll stay at the top spot of the rankings until someone dethrones him.  His victory this week, although solid, was not awe-inspiring.  Lamar looks ready to repeat as MVP and Big Ben is back hitting Juju like he’s a gal in a GA nightclub bathroom. However, his stable of RBs are starting to show some worrisome cracks.  Cook got his contract but has a very capable back-up, Mixon may be game-flowed out of the plan because the Bungles suck, Chubb is now 50-50 with Hunt and LeVeon and Lindsay could be just done.  His lone bright spot in his quest to repeat could end up being the DIII undrafted James Robinson that he picked up for not 31, but 32 fake dollars. 

South still basking in finally reaching the pinnacle.

2.       If We’re Using Logic – Chris’s rebuild may be ahead of schedule after the world’s greatest draft (Did you hear?!?!?) and Ridley living up to the hype but we here at the rankings will wait another week or two for final judgement.  However, he did score the most points this week and his roster showed some very promising signs so we’ll tip our cap this week.  We all knew CEH would smash once Damien Williams opted out but now Jonathan Taylor Thomas has a clear runway ahead to do some Home Improvements now that Mack’s achilles blew up like a Beirut warehouse.  Lazer should be good these first few weeks but once bye weeks and a few injuries hit, he’ll be starting more marginal guys than those that are showing up on Riley’s Grindr account. 

Rooting against Lazer's draft picks so we don't have to keep hearing about them.

3.       I’m Out – Abel really transformed his roster this offseason.  He had a bunch of draft capital and used it to grab a bunch of quality veterans like Henry, ODBag, Keenan Allen, Derek Carr and Teddy Two Gloves.  Along with some of the younger guys he drafted last year hitting like Jacobs and DK, these moves should put him in the running for that playoff spot that has eluded him these 7 long years.  Knocking off the preseason favorite in Week 1 was the first step but that sugar-smelling tornado of Team South is coming to town next.  Win that matchup, along with showing up to game night every once in a while, and we’ll really start thinking about modifying that team name. 

Abel feeling confident for the first time in 8 years.

4.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle flirted with a Chris-style teardown by dangling CMC out there earlier this year but decided to run it back and so far, the results looks solid.  $cam signed onto the Pats and looks rejuvenated. Gurley landed in a prime spot with the Falcons. Diggs left town willing all of his targets to Thielen. Fournette got dumped to TB12 island and McCaffrey still continues to get 84 touches per game.  His starters are strong enough to win the title this year but if any major piece goes down, the firesale could begin.  But we all know that isn’t Kyle’s way.  Over/under on when Kyle’s 2022 1^st gets traded is currently Week 7.   

That week 7 line is...

5.       Play It Backwards – It was just not Mitch’s week.  First he watches CEH light it up on Thursday night.  Then his Indians lose a nail-biter on homecoming to a team they convinced to drive cross-state only a few nights prior.  Next, Michael Thomas gets hurt early in the Saints game and is probably out for a few weeks.  And finally, he sees a garbage time Kamara TD reversed by replay that probably would have given him the victory over Lazer.  He ended up being the 2^nd highest scoring team of the week but still took the L.  Better days are ahead for Mitch if Rodgers hits Adams as much as he did along with Dobbins and Gibson gaining ground in their timeshares.  But that was a tough one.  At least he didn’t lose on a stat correction in the playoffs. 

6.       Smells Low – After somehow making the title game last year on the 2^nd worst points, things have may have regressed to the mean for Riley.  He posted 2^nd lowest points of the week and actually paid the price this time.  With Kittle potentially out for a while, he’ll be relying on an almost 30-year old converted QB at TE for the time being.  He should have used one of his mid-round draft picks on an up-and-coming TE like Jonnu Smith or Hayden Hurst.  His big offseason acquisition in Ekeler only catching 1 ball is not going to make it easy for him to sniff out enough points to find the playoffs again.  He had better get a victory over Seth this week or the season could feel as long as his nose is. 

Riley sniffing for wins this season.

7.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Lansink applied the curse by picking R4D to win the league and it was in full effect during week one.  A few of his guys had huge games but on MNF, Conner got hurt, Dionte dropped several easy passes and Barkley rushed for 6 yards.  Heading into the last game, it was basically even with Abel and it became Henry vs AJ Brown.  Brown did his best David Blaine impression and it was basically over by halftime.  Finken continues to have the most underwhelming roster of the league.  It’s a wonder that he’s favored in any matchup on the schedule.  It’d be a miracle if he won more than a few games this year and even got close to the playoffs.  (see Lazer, two can play at this game)

8.       Ah It’s Early – Mahomes, Dak and Nuke are great but if Akers doesn’t hit big soon and Seth has to keep starting James White in his RB slot all year, he’s going to need a lot of lovin’ from Chris sister to ease the pain of all the losses coming his way.  And I mean a lot of lovin.  Absurd amounts.  He’s going to have to hydrate in order to handle it all. 

2020 Preseason Rankings

As we log our latest draft in the books, now is the perfect time to unpack our shiny new toys and take inventory on the state of the league.  Some things we’ve learned for sure: Mitch’s driving is bad enough that even he gets nauseous as a passenger.  Southy can plan the hell out of a weekend of activities.  Never take Seth’s advice when you are on the clock.  And did you hear…my draft went really, really, really, really, really well.

Without further ado, here are your way too early preseason rankings…

Tier 3 –

#8 If We’re Using Logic –

Let’s be honest, a less reasonable ranker would have this roster much higher in the rankings.  A mere 6 months into my “half a decade of irrelevance” the roster has been rejuvenated with high draft capital rookies and some high upside lottery tickets.  While IWUL is sure to play spoiler come Nov and Dec as his young roster hits its stride, the start of the year could dig a W-L hole that can’t be overcome.  Start printing your #RebuildChamp shirts for 2021.

Strengths

Young RBs should blend nicely with blossoming young WRs as the season progresses.  Once they overcome early time share limitations, this core of backs could be absolutely electric.  You know, as long as they don’t go all Ronald Jones/Derrius Guice/Royce Freeman on me.

Weaknesses

Like Seth’s neckbeard, I’m anticipating a lot of inconsistency.  While there will be big weeks, predicting which guy will go off may prove challenging.  Bye week fill-ins will require some serious crystal ball work.

Wild Cards

Fuller, Hardman, Parris Campbell, Lamb, and Mike Williams all have incredible upside moving forward.  If 1-2 of these lottery tickets become consistent contributors, IWUL could be a sneaky dark horse playoff contender in November.  Cook continuing to sit out to Mattison’s benefit wouldn’t hurt either.

#7 Smells Low –

Last year’s runner up really captured lightning in a bottle.  While simultaneously fighting for low points and the last playoff spot, the fantasy gods smiled on young Riley.  Seizing the last playoff spot propelled him to an improbable victory over CMC… uh, I mean Off Suit 10’s.  Moving some big pieces to bolster his RB depth was a wise move but he has found himself invested in some muddied backfield battles himself.  He will need Ekeler and Jones to replicate last year’s success to stand a chance at a repeat title game appearance.

Strengths

QB, RB and TE starters can go nose to nose with anyone in the league.  Godwin and McLaurin took incredible steps forward last season, but will have to gain some more ground to give Smells Low a shot in shootouts with the top half of the league.

Weaknesses

Flex spots are a huge question mark here.  My projections put Hollywood Brown, Montgomery, and Mostert as starters in his lineup on a weekly basis.  Riley is counting on each of those guys to be consistent producers… which is probably not great.  Bye week fill-ins or injuries are also an issue as I see ZMoss, Ronald Jones, and Breida as the next in line to plug in.

Wild Cards

Slayton was the hero of the season for Riley last year.  A 50 pt half at the most crucial time can be credited for his Cinderella story.  Riley is counting on AJ Green injuries to make Boyd or Higgins relevant.  Short of that, it would take a young receiver to seriously outperform expectations to prop up this runner up.

Tier 2 –

#6 Ah, It’s Early

The offseason has not been kind to Seth.  Amari, Sutton, Hilton, Mack, and Hynes have significant challengers to work in their respective offenses.  For 5 of our 7 seasons, AIE has watched the playoffs from the 5/6 matchup.  Perpetually stuck in the middle, perhaps he should study Kyle’s gunslinger mentality to trade offers.

Strengths

Mahomes and Dak make up the best QB duo in the league.  He, theoretically, starts each week with a 15-20 point advantage at that position.  Hopkins and Cooper are valuable, if not slightly inconsistent, WR that can win a week for you (or lose one) at any time.  The addition of Lockett should help balance the Sutton and Hilton concerns.

Weaknesses

Depth in several areas…as my sister’s constantly whining about.  While AIE can roll out an amazing starting lineup, I see Preston Williams, Akers, and Sony as the first 3 guys off the bench.  With COVID concerns in addition to the minefield of injuries managers will have to navigate this year, it feels like the middle of the season could make for some tough lineup decisions.

Wild Cards

GRONK!  TE is an area of concern on this roster.  Gronk needs to dig deep and pull one more magical season out if his hat to make Seth a true contender.  Mims and AJ Dillon feel like long shots to be difference makers this year but if they hit, watch out.

#5 Off Suit 10’s

Kyle’s approach of setting picks on fire to acquire high upside talent has yielded mixed results.  While Chark and Engram could contribute in a big way this year, Fant, Corey Davis and Harry will have to step up to keep OS10s in contention through the byes.  Freeman actually making a roster would help as well.  My read is that he won’t have to worry about how many points the top 2 spots would have been

Strengths

CMC… That’s it.  Apparently having a guy that scores like a RB1 and WR1 combined is a good thing.

Ok, ok.  I guess Stafford and Watson are pretty decent too.

Weaknesses

Time - Kyle is clearly in win now mode.  The sand is definitely slipping through the hour glass on Marvin Jones, Edelman, Thielen, and Ertz.  While OS10s roster is littered with former league winners (Gurley, Freeman, Cam), not many of these guys can win a week single handedly anymore.

Wild Cards

What does Edelman look like without TB12? How much will CeeDee Lamb cut into Gallup right away?  Will they run Fournette into the ground or cut him in the preseason.  Is NKeal Harry the real deal or not?  Can Cam be a top 10 QB again?  Unfortunately, all of these questions might need to be a hard (not firm) yes for Kyle to take one more swing at the title before blowing this thing up.  That is if he can get the moon AND the stars for CMC next offseason.

#4 I’m Out

You heard it here first, folks.  Abel gets his first taste of the sweet nectar that is the CNK Championship bracket.  If he can pull off the greatest (and longest) turnaround in league history, my bet is he finds a way to get the wall chart framed next to his State Title run.  Not having to pay for the draft meal every other year would be quite the bonus too.

Strengths

With no glaring holes in his starting lineup, he should be able to put up consistent point totals (except this time they might be consistently above average).  I really like the quartet of Beckham, Metcalf, K Allen, and Landry he will roll out at WR.  Having 2 Browns makes me a little nervous but those dudes may ball out now that they have a real coach. 

Weaknesses

Darnold still plays for Adam Gase and Singletary will have to keep the edge in that backfield to be truly excited about this roster.  Bye week and injury depth remain a problem.  The season will need to play out perfectly for him to reach the top of the podium.  *** NOTE: this would be a great year to check the waiver wire each week and embrace FAAB usage, just FYI.

Wild Cards

KeShawn Vaughn and Damien Harris have the opportunity to seize the work in valuable backfields.  Shepard, Kirk, and Washington could contribute in big ways if they can find a niche in their respective offenses.

Tier 1 –

#3 Play it Backwards

Mitch has done a nice job balancing youth and experience as well as his RB/WR contributors in the past year.  This balance will give him great flexibility to respond to injuries/COVID.  This roster has the potential to be competitive for years to come.  A mere 4 years after the legendary Zeke meltdown of 2016, PIB is in a good place to cap off his half decade return to relevance.   If he can keep this roster on the road, PIB is one of the frontrunners.

Strengths

High end starting talent.  With the only real decision to make week 1 will be rolling out Parker, Watkins, or ESanders, the rest of his starters are locked and loaded.  If they can stay healthy, he’s a sure bet for a playoff spot (Jinx).  Kamara, Sanders and Drake makes for a juggernaut backfield and provides flexibility at the position. Thomas and Adams are a 1-2 punch that can seal the deal each week.

Weaknesses

TE is the only spot in the lineup where he may start each week at a slight deficit.  We know how much he likes Irv Smith but he is really counting on Hunter Henry to reach his potential without old man Rivers short-arming him passes down the seam.

Wild Card

Tom Brady could be great in TB or we could learn quickly it was all Belichick.  JK Dobbins was a huge score in the draft and if he grapples the job away from Mark Ingram by playoff time, watch out.  DJ Moore has the talent but will have to adapt to a new QB, offense, and coaching staff in an already impacted offseason.  If he can pick up where he left off last season, this could be your championship roster.  Mitch also holds the ultimate Wild Card (or Joker?) in Antonio Brown, whose return would trigger a reshuffle of these rankings.

#2 – F It 3

This was a tough decision between #2 and #3.  I feel like their rosters were comparable but Travis Kelce tipped the scale for me.  Top end RB talent paired with an explosive WR corp makes this a tough roster to match up with on a week to week basis.  If Southy can finally catch a lucky break, he could find himself not having to part with his gorgeous wall décor as back-to-back league champ.

Strengths

League (and fantasy) MVP Lamar Jackson seems to be the cheat code.  If he can continue to develop as a passer, he will combine for RB1 and QB 1 stats this season.  Cook and Chubb are all high volume backs with good receiving pedigrees and we all know Mixon can knock an opponent out.  Throw in Kelce and the other team is chasing points early and often.

Weaknesses

While we are getting to the point where it’s tough to nitpick rosters, QB2 is a steaming pile of who knows.  He’s got almost too many options including a bounce back from Big Ben or Goff, a takeoff of Minshew or Foles of Fitzmagic just hanging onto the job all year.  While I like the WR talent, they are a little more boom or bust on a weekly basis than PIB’s elite WR corp. 

Wild Cards

LeVeon Bell, Kerryon, Lindsay, Henderson, and JuJu are a bit of an unknown this season.  The good news for FI3 is that he doesn’t need many (or any) of them to hit if he can stay healthy.  With one or two of these recapturing the glory of days past, FI3 is a top 2 lock.  That is, if Cook decides not to pull a LeVeon Bell…and also if Mixon doesn’t do the same.  Without those two for a good chunk of the season, the story becomes the same as if he were facing me in the playoffs. 

#1 – Rolling Four Deep

Consider the kiss of death applied (and has nothing to do with me holding his 1^st next year).  While I appreciate Finken’s effort to get me the 3^rd pick in the rookie draft, I don’t expect as great a return on his 2021 pick.  Taking a solid roster and going all in at the trade deadline didn’t work out the way R4D had hoped.  Narrowly missing the playoffs meant he got to see his astronomical playoff point totals go to waste on Seth. R4D purchased himself a #2-3 year window to cash in on a few ships and the clock is ticking.   

Strengths

Like Mitch, Finken holds 3 of the top 8 players in redraft.  I love some of the WR that belong in the top of tier 2 this year in Evans, AJ Brown, Golladay, and Robinson.  Deebo, Cooks, and Miller add depth to make this the best all-around WR corp in the league

Weaknesses

If there is a potential weakness here it has to be RB depth.  It’s hard to say RB is an issue when Barkley and Zeke are your starters (stupid league rules).  However, if R4D is forced to dig deeper he will need Conner or Mark Ingram to continue to hold up, which may be asking a lot.  Trading away Brees was a risk that was immediately regrettable when Cam took Stidham’s job.  Ryan, Rodgers, and Mayfield should give him two good options each week, but the latter two have some lingering question marks of their own.

Wild Cards

Reagor, Ruggs, and AJ Green could all but lock this up for Finken if they ball out.  Gesicki living up to the hype or OJ murdering with Brady would really help as well.  R4D would need a Seth like run of bad luck to derail this season of destiny/dynasty. 

Season 7 Recap, Draft Preview

Greetings gentlemen!  This quarantine is starting to get to us so we figured we’d a take look the Card Night Kangs league to see where we finished with a half-assed look at where we’ll be in 2020.  Obviously, where we’ll be is locked in our houses with screaming children and wives frustrated with the inordinate amount of online pitch being played.  Riley and Garrett’s only difference is that they are the screaming children.  Hopefully, this will provide a momentary distraction from the monotony of every day running together and us slowly going insane while simultaneously not trying to murder our families. 

It’s a scary time with the COVID-19 running rampant around the country, not only for our health, but also throwing the status of our trip to Vegas in doubt.  Even Southwest is teaming up with our wives to try and make it harder to justify going.  We’re sure Lehman’s certainly ok with it as it keeps him as far away from potentially topless women.  For the rest of us, we were all really looking forward to a weekend of debauchery.  Everyone, please join the ranking committee in crossing our fingers in hopes of relaxed early summer restrictions and a normal NFL season.  Without it, we won’t know who to make fun of for dropping the best WR of the draft.

Maybe it's for the better if he can't go to Vegas....

We’re presenting the rankings now as the final standings from 2019.  There’s no way Riley truly deserves to be #2 at this point but we’ll leave the prognosticating for 2020 up to Chris once our draft is over.  We’re sure that he’ll be able to find some time in his busy schedule of rewatching the Chiefs Super Bowl victory and evicting his delinquent tenants to put a season preview together. 

And now, on with the Power Rankings…

1.       Fuck It Three – Southy finally got the monkey off his back.  Since coming in last place in our inaugural year, he’s made the playoffs every year and finally tasted sweet victory after his 6^th try (probably because Lansink finally wasn’t in his way).  Tyyyyyreek wasn’t kicked out of the league like he should’ve been and Lamar ended up being Vick 2.0.  Kelce did his thing and his stable of RBs deeper than a Riley splinter ended up getting the job done.  Congrats to South.  The guy finally had something go right in his life.  His team is ripe to repeat as he tries to squeeze production out of Kelce and his aging RBs that are all approaching their mid-20s. He’s got the 5^th pick in this draft.  Anybody want to give us odds on what he’ll be picking there?  Trade up if you want a running back.

It's a get schwifty type of year for South.

2.       Smells Low – Riley had no business making the playoffs in 2019.  His 6-point victory over Southy in week 14 knocked Seth out and enabled him to somehow fall forward into the championship game.  As a reminder, he scored the 2^nd fewest points and went 7-7 to just sneak into the playoffs.  All this means is that the RB he desperately needs that would’ve been there had he been picking at 1.1.-1.4 will almost surely not be there at 1.7.  So good job Riley, you traded a runner-up trophy for a much worse draft pick.  Just kidding.  There’s not even a trophy for that.  He’s going to have a tough time making the playoffs again.  His QBs are set and Kittle is cemented at TE1.  However, more than half of his 17 WRs will soon be headed to the waiver wire and he’s got 1.5 starters at RB.  He needs to solve these issues first before he starts to think about what’ll take to defeat South if he gets a rematch in 2020.  Unfortunately for his Tinder dates, he’s probably going to prioritize those problems ahead of consistent housing and a reliable career. 

Riley's living the life at home these past few weeks.

3.       Play It Backwards – Despite a rough year by Kamara and his QBs, the fire sale of Draft Day 2017? is starting to pay off.  Mitch finished 3^rd after FIT dropped a 200 pointer on him in the first round of the playoffs.  Unfortunately for Mitch, sometimes having the 2^nd and 3^rd highest scores in the playoff bracket will only earn you the 6^th pick in the draft. Free agency was an interesting time for his roster and the results were mixed.  Brady landed about as well as he could have with a plethora of top-shelf weapons and an air-it-out coach.  With Gronk recently added to that arsenal, it should be like driving a tank toward a Revolutionary War battle line (those Brits were so dumb).  Kyler added Nuke to his arsenal for pennies on the dollar and Drake got the lead role to himself in the same transaction.  However, there’s no guarantee of starting snaps for his other 3 QBs.  Foles might be taking Bortlisky’s job, Brisset already lost his to Old Man Rivers and Tyrod could easily be supplanted by $Cam, Jamies or a rookie.  In under two years, his depth at WR went from the Grand Canyon to the stream of water running to his pond after a light rainfall. Mitch’s team is good enough to make another run at the playoffs in 2020.  Hopefully this time he’ll remember to keep Drake in the RB slot. 

Mitch's team is always teasing him.

4.       Off Suit 10s – Our local RV huckster was in prime position to take home his 2^nd title as McCaffrey carried him to a 12-2 finish in the regular season and totaling the most points, albeit with multiple wins scoring less than 140 points.  As a reminder, he also had the most points going into the playoffs in 2018 as well.  But then an off week finally came and Riley knocked him out in the first round of the playoffs in a mirror-image of Kyle’s fate in 2018 as both years he had his 4^th worst score of the year in the first round of the playoffs.  It was a story of what could have been, much like if he’s have played the card that Chris wanted him to play.  Now, outside of the 1.1 in any start-up, Kyle is left with mostly unproven WRs, aging RBs, questions marks at QBs and almost zero draft capital for the next 2 years.  Kyle’s prospects look worse than the dating pool at a Trump rally.  On the bright side, he’s finished above Chris the last three years, which is probably about all he truly cares about.

Kyle's trying to tread water this year.

5.       Rollin 4 Deep – Finken mapped out a plan, he OK’d a huge trade with Lazer that would help execute that plan, and when the playoffs came, that plan worked to perfection.  The only problem was that he lost 5 of the final 6 games of the season with 3 by under 15 points and finished 5-9 to miss the playoffs.  Now Lansink gets the 3^rd pick instead of the 8^th.  (My bad guys.  I don’t even think he could screw up that pick in this draft but I guess we’ll see.)  His roster is still primed to compete in 2020 even if he doesn’t make any moves with a stable of solid players at each position.  Let’s just hope that the risk he took on that trade doesn’t expand to other facets of this life.  He’ll be a dangerous card player if he begins bidding 3 with Ace, Deuce, and two more.

Finken's motto.

6.       Ah It’s Early – Outside of continuing to make sweet, dirty love to Lansink’s sister, Seth had a disappointing year all around.  Mahomes and Dak kept him in most matchups and even allowed him to post the highest scoring total of all time.  Unfortunately for him, pretty much all of his skill players underwhelmed and he ended up 6-8 and just outside of the playoffs.  It could be much of the same this upcoming year as well.  He’s locked in for a decade at QB and his top few WR options are still strong but the rest of the roster doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence.  Like Riley’s love life, Gordon is splitting time with two guys now and DJ will be supplanted by whatever RB O’Brien trades Watson to move up to get.  With Gronk’s un-retirement solving his short-term TE problems and probably filling his RB need at 1.5, the only change he might need to make is to his garage code.   

7.       If We’re Using Logic – Chris decided mid-year that it was time to tear it down and fully commit to a rebuild.  He traded Julio, Matty Ice, and Ingram to Finken for, what ended up being, some amazing draft capital.  But he missed on the ultimate prize of 1.1 by falling to Abel in the playoff.  Only time will tell if he can turn 1.2 and 1.3 into Joe Mixon and Christian McCaffrey or Laquon Treadwell and Derrick Henry.  Having 1.2 and 1.3 and a couple seconds and thirds clearly isn’t enough for this master craftsman’s rebuild though.  Chris has been trying to cash out on Ekeler and Henry for the past month in exchange for as much draft capital as he can hoard.  Chris is so infatuated with this draft class Jonathan Taylor has had to file for a restraining order.  Chris Hansen was even seen recently approaching Chris’s house with a camera crew close behind.  He had better be studying the QBs since he’s currently only got 2 starters on his roster.  He’ll definitely leave our draft weekend with some high potential pieces, which should put him in prime position to contend for his 9^th title in 2023. 

Chris, we need to talk about your fantasy football intake during this quarantine period.

8.       I’m Out – Abel showed some signs last year of being frisky.  After going 0-14 in 2018, he regrouped and put together a 6-8 season.  Although he was again the low scorer on the year, he was respectably within 120 points of 5 other teams.  Additionally, he was in the playoff race and would’ve made it for the first time had Riley faltered in the final week.  Had it played out that way, Abel would’ve beaten Lehman (don’t forget Kyle had the best record and scored the most points, again) but then would’ve lost to South in the title game.  So ultimately it’s probably for the best that Abel didn’t make it and won the 1.1 away from Chris instead.  He’s got 2 first round picks the next few years so he should be able restock the shelves a bit but could also use those to replenish his depth.  However the trade offers we’ve seen of 1.8 for 3 cases of Busch Light we believe would be frowned upon.  However he chooses to build, he continues to need to make better use of the redshirt rule, legit trade offers and the waivers in general.  Can’t keep bringing a knife to a gun fight. 

Abel's got a little more work to do in order to fight his way to the top.

Season 7 - Playoffs Update

The first week of the playoffs is in the books and that leaves us with only one weekend of fake football competition remaining.  Let’s recap what happened in Week 15 and preview our final matchups.

Fuck It Three defeats Play It Backwards 200.24-183.42

South faced someone other than Lansink in the playoffs so we anticipated things falling into place for him.  The matchup played out much like we predicted, a high scoring affair with Southy winning by about 20.  Lamar got everything going early on Thursday night destroying the Jets while Tyreeeeek, Chubb and Kelce built the lead on Sunday.  Goff and Kupp then finished it off with an 18-point garbage time drive.  Garrett could have lost Dalvin Cook for next weekend so all is not roses.  On the other hand, Mitch must be kicking himself.  His lineup was up to the challenge but he gave into our goading and removed Drake from his lineup in favor of Cohen.  Tarik did alright but Drake scored 4 TDs!  Their point differential was 24.1 while the game differential was 16.82.  After strenuous calculations, we came to the conclusion that Mitch shouldn’t have done what he did.  Mitch, we tried to tell you which card to play there…

Smells Low defeats Off Suit 10s 154.04-144.94

Last year, Kyle dominated the league scoring the most points but lost in the first round of the playoffs by almost 10 points.  This year, Kyle had the most points, best record and #1 seed.  He chose Riley as the weakest opponent (which was correct by the way), but then laid an egg and again lost in the first round by about 10 points.  Kyle had flashbacks of the Rose bowl while McCaffrey dazzled against the Seahawks and even Gurley showed up.  Then Edelman got hurt and Gallup, Freeman, and Thielen all shat the bed.  He really didn’t have any better options on his bench that would’ve been better plays.  It was a total team effort to screw this one up.  If he’s a glass half full guy, he could say that he wouldn’t’ve beat any other team except Lazer and when it comes down to it, probably all Lehman really cares about is being better than Lazer.  So…bravo I guess?  Riley got just enough from his main guys and made the right call again putting McLaurin in the flex spot.  His near-optimized lineup in such a crucial situation earned him his first trip to the finals.  This improbably rise from the basement last year to the title game this year is akin to South and Lansink’s rise in Year 2.  However, it has yet to be seen if this was just a fluke or if Riley can sustain this into future years.  

Highly doubtful.

Consolation Bracket

I’m Out takes a 40.8 point lead over If We’re Using Logic for the battle of the #1 seed.  Abel basically maximized his roster output should be favored again this week to have the hammer come draft time for the 2^nd year in a row.  Abel was motivated after seeing how much Busch Light was delivered to Orlando for Iowa State’s bowl game.  He’s vowed to do the same for our hotel room in Vegas if he is victorious in his quest for pick #1. 

Probably was Abel's pantry looks like too.

Rollin’ 4 Deep takes exactly a 100 point lead over Ah It’s Early in the 3^rd pick matchup.  Everything came together as only one of his starters failed to crack 19 points and Finken was only 0.07 points away from the all-time high score.  Too bad he couldn’t spread some of those points out across his last couple weeks and done his damage in the playoffs rather than in a game more meaningless than Nebraska football in his post-high school days.

Finken realizing his plan worked perfectly except the minor detail of "making the playoffs."

Championship Preview

This will be Garrett’s 4^th title game appearance in 6 playoff appearances but only an empty trophy case to show for it.  While he lost to the #StatCorrectionChamp last year, 3 of his other playoff losses have all come at the hands of Lansink.  Riley doesn’t have that loser’s stigma in the title game (which is probably because he’s never made it that far) so he should come out guns blazing with established names like Raheem Mostert and Terry McLaurin.  In fact, Riley has all the confidence in the world.  Not only enough to drive the van he does or wear the hats he does, but he did beat South in Week 14 in order to make the playoffs. 

There aren’t any glaring matchup nightmares on either side, and South losing Cook is mostly offset by Riley losing Godwin.  It will probably come down to starting the correct flex options, of which South has far superior options.  The one thing we do know is that none of their judgements will be clouded by alcohol or any other inebriants other than the usual Skittles and Mountain Dew combo.  Maybe the rest of us should take note of the possibility that these two teams made the title game because of their abstinence from these neurotoxins.  Maybe we should contemplate removing these from our lives in order to excel further at fake football…

We’ll say FIT dominates and finally tastes sweet, sweet, sugary victory: 195-24-136.96

How we picture South's victory parade.

Best Ball Update

Half of the league probably stopped paying attention but a Best Ball champ will be named this weekend so we figured we’d check in on that.  South, Riley, Jared and Seth didn’t make the playoffs so they couldn’t care less and should be branded as terrible at drafting.  Mitch went 12-2 but then was bounced in Round 1 by Finken 199.5-159.  Apparently Lamar and McCaffrey alone couldn’t keep his turbo-charged team within the lines.  In the other bracket, all of Lehman’s QBs could not overcome the combined effort of Drake and Julio and Lazer pulled off the victory 161-142.  Lehman can’t even win when the computer plays his cards for him. 

How'd the weekend go Lehman?

This leaves Finken and Lansink will face off in the title matchup.  Like his high school jock straps, Finken’s going to struggle filling his slots (mainly WR) with recent injuries to Godwin and Jeffrey, and most his other key guys are facing tough defenses.  Lansink’s squad is mostly healthy and facing manageable opponents.  We’ll say Lazer wins his 4^th title in our inaugural league 164.5-132.0. 

Chris after winning the best ball league.

And finally, your humble moderators would just like to take a second and say thank you to everyone in the league for making this a great time throughout another year.  We wish you all a Merry Christmas and hope all your players get injured next year.

Season 7 - Playoff Preview

Week 14 is in the books and that means that our 7^th regular season has come to a close.  It was a great season with more parity than usual.  It was also quite an eventful final weekend so let’s first take a look at what happened. 

We had one playoff spot left and four teams in position to grab it.  Abel and Riley each just needed a win and to outscore the other and a shot at the title was theirs.  If each Abel and Riley lost, the winner of the Finken and Seth matchup would be in based on points scored.  Each of these three matchups were close heading into Monday night.  First, Abel needed Jeffrey to outscore Sanders but Alshon quickly left the game with an injury so Abel became unAbel.  Finken needed a big night from Barkley and Shepherd in order to catch up to Seth, which fell apart quicker than Chris’s standing in the Lansink family when Seth signed the marriage documents.   So Finken’s big mid-season trade to lock up a for-sure playoff went all-for-naught. 

 

Finken dying inside just a little as Week 14 played out.

Then there’s Riley.  Riley was down by almost 50 heading into MNF with only Wentz and (for some reason) Slayton in his flex spot remaining.  This makes “the opposite of his nose” sense since there were 11 other guys on his roster projected to outscore Slayton in Week 14.  But he must have sniffed something out and left Slayton active which made all the difference. Even putting in Mostert’s big day wouldn’t have done the trick.  Slayton did his damage early but in the end, it was Wentz’s OT TD pass to Ertz which sealed the deal.  The Eagles are somehow still alive for the NFL playoffs at 6-7 and Riley made the CNK playoffs and narrowly avoided paying for 8 buffets in Vegas.  What a country.

 

What, explain to me again how the hell Riley made the playoffs?

Now the playoff field is set and we have two new contenders this year and two repeats from last year.  Additionally, we have two former champions and two never champions.  Kyle and Garrett easily led the league in scoring and claimed their spot early.  Interestingly enough, the other two playoff spots went to the teams who scored the 2^nd and 3^rd fewest points in the league.  Kyle rode a 10-game winning streak into the #1 seed and chose Riley as his opponent.  Hopefully he picked The Nose wisely because with no draft capital the next two years (almost literally), it’s titletown or bust for the former #PeoplesChamp.  Now let’s take a quick look at the matchups this weekend… 

-          Off Suit 10s vs. Smells Low – Lehman is at a clear advantage here in every department outside of Kleenex usage.  Kyle is projected to score around 22 points more this week, which is mainly the difference in the RB slots.  CMC should put up his usual stat line of 46 rushing yards and 11 catches for 95 while Fournette faces a terrible Raiders D.  Riley on the other hand has Jones and Montgomery going against each other in the frozen tundra of Lambeau.  Both guys currently have recently waivered players into their flex spots so this might come down to if Riley can roll snake eyes again.  It looks like Jacobs will play so Riley saving FAAB to pick up Washington might be a worse call than one of his stylish hats.  We’ll say Kyle continues his hot streak 167.83-145.62.

 

Make it quick Kyle, and painless.  We don't want Riley to suffer.

-          Fuck It Three vs. Play It Backwards – South has the most dangerous team in the playoffs on paper but numerous bad matchups during Week 15.  Lamar is playing a solid Jets D on a short week, Fitzmagic is missing most of his WR options and most of his flex options are facing tougher defenses than Riley trying to get college girls into his van.  He’s also riding a 4 game losing streak although he did post +170 in two of those loses.  Mitch technically finished as the #2 seed at 9-5 but he was doing his best 2018 Lazer impression finishing with a high seed while scoring the 3^rd fewest points in the league and lucking into wins.  He’s won 4 of 5 recently with Thomas, Adams and DJ Moore carrying his whole offense.  With a probable starting lineup that includes Kenyan Drake and Miles Sanders, Mitch is getting his dice rolling skills warmed up early in advance of the Vegas trip.  We’ll say South ends his cold streak in a high-scoring affair 191.32-170.96.

 

We don't judge Mitch's technique in rolling the dice against Southy luck.

But while all this playoff talk is great, let’s not forget about our fallen comrades, those that will be slugging it out for draft position.  Both Seth and Finken had extremely disappointing years although they did post the 3^rd and 4^th most points.  For their effort, they get to replay Week 14 again for two more weeks in a matchup more meaningless than Riley’s bachelor degree.  Finken can’t even get excited about what spot he ends up in since it’s sitting in Lazer’s possession.  Chris had better at least send him a formal receipt from that trade so Finken can write that charity off on his taxes.  Either way, the league shouldn’t be too worried as Chris’s last three first-round picks were Mike Williams, Derrick Henry and Corey Coleman.  There will be plenty of meat on that bone for everyone else we’re guessing.

 

We're sure Lazer's scouting skills have improved since then.

After having no business in the playoffs last year and rough start to this year, Chris finally threw in the towel and began the tank.  He successfully navigated his way to 4-10 but almost scored too many points to make the #1 seed matchup.  Abel had a shot at his first playoff bid but Jacobs got hurt while a few other guys who’ve carried him this season just couldn’t finish the job.  This ensured one more shot at the #1 draft spot instead of the #1 spot in the standings for Abel.  At least he’ll get to pick the cheapest, dirtiest buffet in Vegas to drag us all to.  There’s got to be a strip club somewhere in Vegas that serves roast beef sandwiches…

If you know what I'm saying...