Dynasty Preview 209

Chris is usually in charge of the summer projections and draft recap but he's currently too busy reliving his college days during this summer, although this time it's without all of the freedom, bar time, random hook-ups and general happiness.  So we figured we'd take a stab at the “way too early” rankings, predictions, and draft grades….

Rank 2018 Prediction 2018 Actual Finish
#8        I’m Out                          I’m Out
#7        Smells Low                   Smells Low
#6        Ah It’s Early                  Ah It’s Early
#5        If We’re Using Logic Play It Backwards
#4        Rollin’ 4 Deep               If We’re Using Logic
#3        Off Suit 10s                   Off Suit 10s
#2        Fuck It Three                 Fuck It Three
#1        Play It Backwards         Rollin’ 4 Deep

Review – Verbatim from last year’s projections: “Finken shared Seth’s 2015 fate; will he share Seth’s 2016 glory with a Championship this season. Spoiler Alert:  He won’t.”

#StatCorrectionChamp

Overall, Chris did pretty well on his projections, so we have to give him props.  He was especially correct predicting that his own team would miss the playoffs as he should have instead of finishing with the best record and the 6th highest point total.  This was all made well in the world when the NFL made the right call and reversed to egregious fumble call against Zeke and propelled Finken to his first title.  Chris undervalued how good Lehman’s team would perform, dominating the points scored and posting 5 games +200 points.  However, he correctly saw how Southy would once again finish as a bridesmaid.

Looking forward – On the other hand, South had a huge victory after spending millions in taxpayer money to lobby against kickers and defenses.  They were voted out like Cesaer at card night and a 2nd WR and RB slot were added which adds a new dimension, especially as the season wears on and byes and injuries start to happen.

Another seismic shift to our league was adding 3 redshirt spots, allowing people to squirrel-away 3 additional rookies for the future.  It also makes the later round draft picks a bit more valuable as they now might not just be waiver wire fodder starting week 1.  But enough of this, you all wanted some baseless projection and draft grade.  Ask....

2019 Projections

#8 - I’m Out -

Strengths – Baby steps.  Rome was not built in a day and nor will Abel’s roster be.  After flipping Chubb for some decent pieces and strong draft capital, Abel has a decent starting lineup that should be competitive most weekends.  Landry, Lockett, Jeffrey and Kirk should get him by this year and the 1.01 pick Jacobs should be an immediate workhorse.  Winston, Stafford and Darnold give him competent starters at QB as well.

Weaknesses – Star power.  While the roster builds, Jared doesn’t have that cornerstone yet.  But with two 1st rounders in a strong 2020 draft class, if he can sell the right pieces thru this season and acquire more draft capital or young talent, we could see a formidable roster in the near future.

Wild Cards – Howard, Harris, Murray and Ballage all have a clear path to very productive roles if things break right.  A Kamara/Sony/Sanders injury here or there, Abel’s RB depth all of a sudden looks pretty good for this year.  Also, FAAB.  Always FAAB, and if Jared starts to use it, watch out.

Prediction – Tossing away this season again and building young depth and future assets is probably his best plan for this year.

#7 - Smells Low -

Strengths – Nose Roster size.  Riley sniffed out his issues early and embraced rebuild mode by trading away numerous assets to acquire picks and young players.  The result was a ton of draft picks and 39 guys sitting on his roster currently.  His core 3 QBs should be solid for years to come and he’s got the best young TE in the game.  He also has a lot of solid options at RB, especially after opting for David Montgomery instead of N’Keal Harry at the 2nd pick.

Weaknesses – Wrestling…but also WRs.  Having only one WR that you could call a WR2 at best is not an ideal spot to be in.  Drafting 6 rookie WRs will probably help in the long run but filling those 2 WR spots each week this season will be dicier than picking up women Blazing Saddles. 

Wild Cards – As mentioned, the RBs are solid but all have question marks.  Aaron Jones seems like a breakout candidate but hasn’t been fully trusted yet.  Fournette seems to be on his way out of Jacksonville and his college teammate Guice hasn’t played a down in the NFL yet.  Freeman is solid but probably at the end of his career.  Ronald Jones is a warm body in a good offense but will probably be replaced in next year’s draft.   

Prediction – Riley’s team is much improved but isn’t quite ready to smell a playoff push.

The secret to Riley's success.

#6 - Off Suit 10’s -

Strengths – Gurley and CMC.  Kyle laid waste to the league most of last year but fell short in the playoffs once Gurley mysteriously stopped scoring 4 TDs per game.  Even if Gurley is 75% of what he was, pairing that with McCaffrey gives him a formidable backfield.  Sony Michael provides some insurance but his production is tenuous with his injury problems and Pats usage of their RBs.

Weaknesses – Not accounting for Mitch.  All Kyle wanted was to move up and draft Kyler Murray and he made that widely known.  He thought he had outfoxed Finken but failed to account for Mitch’s terrible QB depth.  If $cam Newton can’t get his shoulder right before the season, he’ll be relying on Old Man Rivers and Mariota to hold his 2nd QB spot.

Wild Cards – Kyle...Kyle is the wild card.  He’s made by far the most trades in the league and probably has at least 10 more in him before this season is done.  Some he’s come out ahead like acquiring CMC or TY (yes Kyle, we saw you bragging on Twitter) but others leave us scratching our heads like M Thomas, AB, OBJ….and on and on.  He’d better win now since his best pick in the next two drafts is a single 3rd rounder.

Prediction – Gurley is not himself, Sony loses his spot to Harris eventually and Kyle starts to trade off assets to rebuild his lack of any future draft capital and hit his trade quota for set of steak knives.

Kyle started last season with so much promise.

#5 - Play It Backwards-

Strengths – Catchers of the football.  Even if AB and Green are aging, Mitch is still rolling out 4 of the best WRs in the league so that’ll be an advantage most weeks.  Watkins could also finally pay off if Hill is suspended for any amount of time but we’re sure a soft-tissue injury will pop up as usual.

Weaknesses – Runners of the football.  Kamara is a stud and could be even better with Ingram leaving town.  However, Mitch’s RB depth is suspect at best with a bunch of 3rd down backs and a rookie that missed OTAs and whose team is usually in a 4-way timeshare.  That 2nd RB spot could be a black hole deeper into the season.  Also, everyone should’ve seen him drafting Murray.  For God’s sakes, his QBs were a 56 year old Tom Brady, Mariota and Mitchell TruBortlesky.

Wild Cards – Mitch’s 2 first round picks could sink or elevate his roster this year.  If Murray is Baker with wheels and the Iggles make Sanders a workhorse in a great offense, then PIB is a for sure playoff team.  If Kyler gets broken in half and Sanders never gets a full workload, then he’ll be right where his Indianola squad typically is.

Prediction – Kyler is great for a bit but misses significant time and Mitch just barely misses the playoffs.

Mitch was so close he could touch it.

#4 - If We’re Using Logic -

Strengths – Irritating Mitch.  Chris still has 2 of the best week-to-week WRs out there and he’s hoping Mike Williams takes the next step into that rarefied air.  He’s also done a good job of maneuvering himself into RB depth after the trade for Hunt backfired.  The moves are smart as he’s in win-now mode with Julio aging and Ingram, Damien Williams, Hyde and Yeldon essentially 1 year options at best.  His QBs are also solid although unspectacular, much like his dance moves and cribbage prowess.

Weaknesses – Getting old.  Gronk retiring is going to hurt although he’s had plenty of practice of playing without Gronk because of late-season injuries.  Ebron is old already and due for some regression with more receiving options in Indy and Doyle back healthy.  He could be at quite a disadvantage most weeks from a TE standpoint.  It has to be disappointing because if we knew anything about Chris in college, he prided himself in keeping an eye on the male tight end.

Wild Cards – Chris could benefit this year the way Conner helped Finken last year.  If Gordon continues to hold out, that could be huge for Austin Ekeler during the season.  And if DJ, Ingram or D Williams gets worn down, Edmonds, J Hill and Hyde could do the same respectively.  Having the main backups to Seth’s starting RBs could get him back in as #1 son in Den’s eyes.

Prediction – Chris gets into the playoffs and attempts to win his 8th title in the past 6 years.

Mitch is doing this to Lazer within the next 14 months, either on purpose or on accident.

#3 - Ah, It’s Early -

Strengths – Filling holes.  Seth has great top end talent to fill a starting lineup.  His starters include 3 of the top 10 WRs, 2 top RBs, a great TE and the QB who just posted the best season in fantasy history.  Even if Mahomes is due for some regression, as long as these guys are healthy, he should be contending for his 2nd title.

Weaknesses – Depth, but not according to Cara.  However, outside of those 7 players, there’s a lot of question marks in his depth.  The bottom half of his WRs are pretty sketchy and his other RBs are backups or in timeshares at best.  So once byes kick in or there’s a few injuries, his choices could get thinner than his hairline.  He didn’t have much draft capital this year so he’ll need Harry to pan out in a big way going forward.  He also had better hope Engram keeps improving or he’s going to really regret trading away the opportunity to grab Hockenson after he fell into his lap.

Wild Cards – DJ and the Cardinals sucking last year killed his season.  That should change but relying on a failed Big 12 coach in the NFL is like relying on Mitch to drive you somewhere safely.  You know it'll be a fun ride, but you hope he keeps it together long enough to get you there.  And if Gordon sticks to his holdout and the Chargers are smart and hold firm, he could experience South’s pain from Bell last year.

Prediction – Gordon reports, DJ is a stud and Dak takes a big step forward solidifying Seth’s place in the playoffs.

Seth's back in contention.

#2 - Rollin 4 Deep  -

Strengths – Fantasy Luck.  Falling into 2 of the best RB dynasty assets has solidified Finken into a perennial contender.  And even if Conner doesn’t replicate what he did last year, he should be a solid starter for the next few years until the Steelers decide they don’t want to pay him either.  Rodgers, Brees and Mayfield give him 3 good options each week at QB and OJ should murder at the TE spot in Arian’s offense.

Weaknesses – Outside of Evans, his WRs are a bunch of hit-and-miss young guys and rookies.  He needs Robinson to be more consistent another year removed from his surgery and a few of the young guys to step up or he’s going to be rolling a 6-sided dice each week for guidance on who to start at his other WR spots.

Wild Cards – Tevin Coleman and Royce Freeman are in convoluted timeshares but if one or both grabs the spot, look out.  Also, this is probably Devante Parker’s year...for real this time.

Prediction – The #StatCorrectionChamp makes a deep playoff run again but ultimately falls short to finally...

Finken celebrating his title all year long.

#1 - Fuck It Three -

Strengths – RBs and life in general.  Garrett loves him some RBs and proved it again this year.  After he gave up most of his draft to get Chubb, he traded Sony away in order to draft Gurley’s potential replacement.  He’s got 6 potential top-line starting RBs and should be favored most weeks because of this.  Kelce should also be an advantage every week even with Hill back in the lineup.

Weaknesses – Fantasy titles.  Tyreeeeek avoided a suspension and Juju steps into AB’s very large shoes so he’s off to a good start.  Diggs and Kupp should be solid but someone else has to step up within his WRs.  As mentioned before, the good thing is that South may only have to start 2 of these WRs each week based on his RB depth.

Wild Cards – Garrett takes another spin on the Josh Gordon merry-go-round.  And if Gurley doesn’t hold up and Henderson does take his spot, well he might do to the league what he did to Riley on draft night.

Prediction – South finally breaks his own glass ceiling and hangs the trophy on his wall.  The only question is which of the 7 bedrooms does he choose?  Or should he buy a guest house just for the trophy?

South's time is just about to take off.

Draft Grades

I’m Out - B- It was a no-brainer to take Jacobs at 1.1.  I question a bit the thought of trading out of 1.5 instead of taking Sanders/Harry/whoever because he has to wait until 2021 for it to really pay off but he ended up with a few other decent assets.  Metcalf is a swing-for-the-fences pick and makes sense.  Harris, Singletary and Snell could all have a role as soon as late this year.  Daniel Jones got booed but he’s going to get every chance to be the QB in NY once they dispose of Eli’s corpse.

Smells Low - C- Riley won’t have a problem filling his 3 redshirt spots after drafting 11 players.  Was surprised he didn’t grab Harry, by far the best WR when that’s what he needed.  Montgomery solidifies his RB depth and Hollywood could be decent but is risky and we probably would’ve went safer with that pick.  JJAW and Butler are good down-the-road picks.  Haskins is unnecessary on his roster and most of the other picks will probably be on the final roster cut bubble.  Would’ve expected Riley to package a few of these picks to trade up for better prospects.

Play It Backwards - A+ Mitch threw everyone off by taking Murray and then trading back up to grab Sanders as well.  If it works, then he’s set for a while with those two.  Isabella is also a great upside pick in a high potential offense.  Like the potential of Irv Smith and Dexter Williams next year and Lock could be a thing if Flacco shows he isn’t elite.  The only question was Tony Pollard, which was a good pick but probably 2 rounds too early.

Ah, It’s Early - C- Seth had the fewest draft picks taken at 4 after trading back or out a couple of times.  Harry fell into his lap, which was probably very unexpected.  All 4 picks were WRs, 2 of which were undrafted free agents.  Jennings has good upside as no one in Seattle is locked in outside of Lockett.  Seth’s best haul was probably all of Abel’s picks he got for next year.

If We’re Using Logic - B Chris needed to leave the draft with a few RBs and a TE and he accomplished that.  He didn’t have many picks thanks to the Hunt trade but the Justice Hill and Mattison picks have good potential, as does Sternberger.  Mike Davis could also have a good role if Montgomery busts.  Kumerow and Pringle are the ultimate dart throws.

Off Suit 10’s - C After missing out on Kyler, Lehman traded back from 1.5 for Ridley and Mariota which isn’t a bad haul for his roster needs.  He didn’t really need Fant at 2.3 but it was a homer pick.  McLaurin and Boykin have good upside but are in bad offenses.  Love needs to prove he’s healthier than Guice before he should be counted on for anything.  Renfrow will surely get cut within a year or two and end up on the Pats and win 5 Super Bowls there.

F’ It Three - A If anyone was surprised that Garrett took a RB first, then you haven’t been paying attention.  Perfect upside pick since he won’t need him this year and could easily trade someone else if he hits.  Hockenson was by far the best value as Kelce isn’t getting younger.  And did you hear, Josh Gordon was playing catch with Tom Brady?!?!

Rollin 4 Deep - C+ Finken drafted 4 of the top 8 WRs in the first few rounds and 5 overall.  Inside sources say this wasn’t truly his plan but that he went for value at each pick.  At least a few of them should pan out decently although it’ll take a year or two.  Armstead has good potential in case Fournette wears out his welcome in Jax.  Malcolm Brown and Matt LaCosse are Hail Mary’s that’ll probably get cut.

We are less than 2 months away gentlemen.

Season 6 - Playoffs

Round 1 of the playoffs is in the books and that means we’re down to our last of fake football in our lives for a while.  And what a weekend it was.  Your humble moderators can’t remember a playoff race where all 4 of the matchups were so tight and came down to the last two games.  We’ll get to a short recap of the Round 1 matchups and preview championship weekend, but first, let’s check in on how Finken was doing after he left the Chicken Coop…

And then he got home and it was more like...

Next, let's see how Chris was handling the end of MNF...

If We’re Using Logic defeats Rollin’ 4 Deep 142.38-142.14

As of the publish time, there has not been stat correction to rectify the injustice that was perpetrated in this matchup.  Chris’s squad, who shouldn’t have even made the playoffs but fell into the #1 seed, once again got lucky that ODBag was out and was forced to switch him for D Henry, who apparently has become AP in his prime.  Hilariously Chris started 2 TEs that netted him a total of 6 points but managed to hang on by 0.26 thanks to a late Ingram 3 yard run and a kneel down by Brees.  All Finken needed was for Brees to do something…anything.  But alas, it was not in the cards.  Fortunately for Chris, his “last playoff experience for the next half decade” is carrying on a little longer than anyone anticipated.  However, should a stat change be warranted?  You be the judge, we're calling bullshit on Lazer's victory.

Finken certainly didn't see this one coming.

Fuck It Three defeats Off Suit 10s 163.56-154.90

Kyle has put up a record amount of points all year long.  However, after starting 8-0, he went on to finish a mere 1-5 and that trend continued once the playoffs began.  Gurley and Watson did their normal thing but Ertz and Thielen had helped carry his squad all year and both laid an egg in the most important week.  All he needed on MNF was for $cam and CMC to combine for 42 points, something they’d easily done most weeks.  But the vaunted Saints D battered $cam all night and held him to his lowest point total of the year.  There just weren’t enough 5 yard dump-offs to CMC to make up the difference.  Now Kyle gets to rebrand to the #PeoplesFormerChamp.  Southy got a hot start to Sunday with Cook and Mixon combining for a Derrick Henry (200 yds and 4 TDs).  However, the rest of his skill players were lackluster at best, similar to his skills in the bedroom.  It’s ironic that the main proponent behind removing K and D would not have won this matchup without them.  It doesn’t matter if he wants it to or not, things just always seem to work out for him…on the golf course…at the pitch table…on Yahoo fantasy…or Pornhub seamlessly connecting to his Bluetooth. 

Mixon powers South to another title matchup with Lazer.

Championship Preview – If We’re Using Logic vs. Fuck It Three

On paper, this shouldn’t even be close.  IWUL has been a paper tiger all year that has been fortunate to have the right matchups at the right time.  His starters look decent with some good matchups but he doesn’t have many viable options to choose from on the bench, especially if ODBag is still out.  Gus Edwards is going up against a Chargers D that just gave up 30+ points to a group of backup named Williams and Derrick Henry has scored more in the past week than Riley at the Pinocchio festival.  It’s no secret that Chris likes a good tight end but there’s no way he’ll be brave enough to start two of them in back-to-back weekends.  If his frat days are any indication, 2 tight ends are more than his is capable of effectively managing.  He’ll need multiple TDs from the Julio-Ryan connection if he wants a chance at extending his finals record to 3-0 against Garrett. 

FIT has won 5 straight and his squad seems to be firing on all cylinders.  His strong depth (in fantasy only) will likely open the door for plenty of second-guessing as championship week progresses, similar to his choice of dating one girl throughout his college years.  He is an early 20+ point favorite with Cook and Mixon coming on stronger than Abel at a mid-2000s NASCAR speed dating event.  With no relevant picks left in his draft arsenal, FIT had better hope the team he’s assembled is championship worthy now or he’ll be stuck playing waiver wire pocket pool for the next two years.

Prediction: With the other six managers rooting for him, FIT avoids making it 6 straight finished-one-spot-behind-Chris and takes home the hardware.  174.50-136.24

We don't see the Titans OL doing it again for Henry.

One more quick check in with Finken realizing he should've been in this game...

3^rd Place Preview – Off Suit 10s vs. Rollin’ 4 Deep

In the past 7 weeks, Riley has three times as many wins as Kyle does.  And if that’s not depressing enough, Kyle goes from possibly repeating as champ to playing for an extra $40.  Woo hoo!  Speaking of depressed, we’ll be surprised if Finken gathers the strength to set an official lineup this week.  Word is he never actually left his Chicken Coop seat as he still can’t believe he lost a shot at the title by 0.26 points.  Kyle is heavily favored and should win easily but he’s also failed to do this in numerous weeks so we really wouldn’t be surprised if these teams both lose.  At least Kyle can look forward to his 3 top-12 TEs bet with Lazer paying off.

Prediction: Barkley makes up for laying an egg last week and Zeke hits the end zone harder than (removed due to questionable content) to lead Finken to the bronze.  185.96 – 178.46

If Finken wins this one, we're sure he won't be thinking of what could've (should've) been.

Now let’s check in on the consolation brackets.  Mitch is currently leading Seth in the race for the 3^rd pick by 5.8 points.  Mitch is favored slightly going into the final week but Seth should get back Gordon and Allen, albeit in a bad match-up with the Ravens.  The odds may be long but that’s something the Johnson household is very comfortable with.  PIB gets Thomas and Kamara playing at home against the Steelers in what will likely be a shootout that would make John Wayne proud. Brady should be in jail based on the number of beatings he’s doled out to Buffalo over the years and Davante Adams has taken over as the #1 WR in the league.  It’s a good thing Riley now has the #10 QB and was able to dump 2 old WRs into the free market instead of having to carry the #1 WR in the league on his roster all year.

Prediction: Mitch pulls away from Seth as it’s no longer early.

This is about how many people care about this match-up.

Now live from the dumpster, we bring you the 1^st pick preview.  Abel went defeated this year but has managed a 22.2 lead over Riley in hopes of being able to trade the 1^st pick away to Mitch.  While he technically started a full lineup last week, the decisions were about as sound as Riley’s thought process in buying his van.  We’ll see if he adjusts his lineup and starts a reasonable player at RB this week, which should be easier since Aaron Jones is now on the IR (hint, hint).  At least he’ll be in the catbird seat after this weekend to clean up on all the remaining free agents with his $100 FAAB.  You guys didn’t think Abel was playing the long game?  Riley currently has 9 guys on IR so unlike his GRINDR app, he’s running out of options for his open slots.  He’s relying more heavily on the 49ers offense than Trump relies on his foundation to keep the money out of the hands of the poor.  If the 49ers score 50+ against the Bears D this weekend, we’ll take Riley.

Prediction: Abel’s on the clock (until someone convinces him to trade it for aging spare parts)

Riley's really blowing this one.

Just in case, let's check in one more time on Finken, now a few days later...

Merry Christmas fuckers!

Season 6 - Week 13

Week 13 is in the books and what a jumbled mess these standings have become.  We could’ve had a nice orderly playoff bracket completed this weekend but no, there had to be chaos galore.  If Kyle and Finken would’ve just pulled off the victory as favorites, we’d be locked in just trying to figure out who the #1 seed is.  Kyle just picked the wrong week to go against Seth’s best game of the year.  Finken screwed up royally by picking up some TE no one had ever heard of and starting him instead of Jimmy Graham, which would’ve knocked Mitch out of the picture and solidified his playoff berth.  Therefore we shall award him the Cesaer Dumbass Award for the week.  We're sure that won't come back to haunt him while he tries to hang on this weekend. 

But now all 4 middle teams could either miss or make the playoffs depending on our final week.  While your humble moderators would’ve preferred the former, the latter does add a certain spice to the year’s conclusion.  The matchups for the final week make for some great intrigue so we thought we’d dig into each team to see what they’re playing for.  So grab a seat...

1.       If We’re Using Logic – Apparently we hit a nerve last week and Lazer just wanted to show off how bad his team can be and still claim the #1 seed. Chris is now 6^th in the league in points after posting his first sub-100 point game and yet he still, somehow, has the inside track to picking his opponent.  And now all he has to do is beat Abel this week to secure his spot atop the standings.  He had better choose wisely though.  After losing Hunt and relying on ODBag as his best QB, being stuck with Ingram as his best RB could result in a premature playoff exit no matter who he’s facing.  #BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor 

Chris also got 3rd in the auction league with the 8th most points.

2.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle can still grab the #1 seed but will need to beat South this weekend and hope that Lansink loses to Abel (which did happen in Week 14 last year).  He’s got by far the most points so there’s no risk of losing a tiebreaker but most likely will fall into the #2 seed giving Lazer the option to dodge him faster than Trump dodged the draft.  However Kyle has lost 4 of the last 5 so maybe he shouldn’t be getting so cocky.  Rebranding himself as the #PeoplesChamp seems like a very Trump way to distract from his poor finish to the season.  #CouldBePeoplesChumpRealSoon 

Chris ducking under Lehman's first round challenge.

3.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken went from having a chance to still grab the #1 seed last week to being in danger of finishing 6^th in the standings.  He is still in decent position with the points lead among the remaining 4 and a game lead over Mitch and Seth.  But now he faces Seth this week, who has won 4 out of 5 and has scored 160+ in all but one of those weeks, in a win and you’re in situation.  While it was handy to find Spencer Ware suddenly useful on his bench, it looks like he’ll need him after Conner messed up his ankle and could miss enough time to keep Finken out of the playoffs.  This would allow enough time to finish up that Scott Frost mural he’s been working on.  #RememberThe90s

Finken really fumbled that opportunity away.

4.       Fuck It Three – Garrett was fortunate to beat the 3^rd worst team in the league to stay alive but now gets to tangle with Kyle in order to cement his playoff spot.  A win puts him in the playoffs for sure but a loss by both Mitch and Seth also fires up his porn up over the Bluetooth.   South looked to be dead in the water throughout the early part of the year based on Bell not reporting and all the other injuries.  But he waiver-wired quite well (Abel please take note) and went all in overpaying for Chubb.  Will Southy’s new Chubb take him to the Promised Land or will he be beaten up like his previous chub when his wife’s away?  If we were the betting type (and neither of us are…anymore) we’d wager that he’ll find a way to Southy himself into the playoffs. #SouthyLuck

The important work South is always doing on his phone.

5.       Play It Backwards – Mitch can still slide into the playoffs with a win over lowly Riley and a loss by either Finken or South.  He’s got the 2^nd most points of this group so he should move ahead of one of those losing squads.  However, he could be lapped by Seth if AIE really puts a big number up against Finken.  Then he’d need South to lose as well.  With AJ Green and Olsen hurt again, it’ll be a bit tougher but we’re guessing Tampa Bay won’t be able to hold down Kamara and Thomas like the Cowboys did.  But if it does come down to points, we’re guessing he wished he would’ve found a way to get Cohen’s 36 points in his lineup this past week. #ThoseWouldveHelped

Don't worry Mitch, it's not like you were expecting much coming into this year.

6.       Ah It’s Early – As mentioned earlier, Seth’s team has been hotter than a Saturday night after his kids go to bed but he still needs some help getting in based on the hole he dug for himself earlier in the year.  Seth first needs to beat Finken and put up a strong point total in doing so in hopes of outscoring the other 3 contenders.  It’d be easier if Mitch and/or South loses as well so then he won’t have measure points against as many people.  But as we’ve heard, they don’t call him “The Long” for nothing. #CarasMadeThatAbundantlyClear

Seth somehow keeping his season alive.

7.       Smells Low – Riley may be able to stick his nose into contention next year if he drafts well and stays healthy but he won’t be sniffing the playoffs this winter.  He’s only looking to smell out an upset against Mitch and plug up his path to the postseason.   He’ll be battling Abel for the #1 pick and if there’s one thing we’re sure Riley’s good at, it’s picking.  #Takes5HoursPerDayToCleanOutThatBadBoy

Be careful sticking your finger in there Riley, it may not be what you expect.

8.       I’m Out – As always, the name tells the story.  Only one team in the history of this league has finished worse than 3-11 (and Jared's done that twice) and that was South in 2013 (1-13).  Abel is rowing that boat towards history folks.  Our first 0-14 season, we should all be so proud.  #WeThinkTheBoatHasSunk

What else can we say?

Season 6 - Week 12

Week 12 is in the books and we’re only 2 weeks away from the close of season 6.  While some things are coming into focus, there are still playoff spots up for grabs.  In looking at all the scenarios, it’s hard to imagine that the final playoff spot doesn’t come down to the points tie-breaker, most likely between Finken, Mitch and South.  So please take note, you should try and score as many points as possible each week (Abel, write this down).

We thought we’d do something different this week after having time to go through some thoughtful reflection upon our lives over the Thanksgiving break.  We decided to reflect on what each team and owner should be thankful for within the confines of the Card Night Kangs and our power rankings…

1.       If We’re Using Logic – This year, it’s been luck that Chris should be thankful for.  As previously noted, Chris has been the lowest scoring winner in now 7 out of his 10 wins.  He would’ve gotten smoked by the other 3 playoff teams (as of now) and was fortunate Nuk didn’t have even an average night on MNF.  He’s now the 5^th highest scoring team in the league but can wrap up the #1 seed (essentially since his final game is against Abel) by beating the surging FITs.  And as luck would have it, Gordon going down could make Ekeler an RB1 for the next few weeks.  We know Chris likes to think he has a plan but no one rostering Eli Manning could’ve thought that through that much. 

At some point and at his age, luck is only going to let him clear the bar for so long.

2.       Off Suit 10s – First and foremost, it’s Sean McVay for saving Gurley’s career.  But really, it’s a few fortunate trades that got him to this point.  First it was Seth trading up to #1 in 2015 to draft Amari and Gordon in front of Gurley.  Then it was South who wanted Diggs back and basically threw in McCaffrey to get him.  Then it was Mitch drafting too many QBs in 2017 and having to take $.20 on the dollar for Watson rather than cut him.  This is what built the juggernaut that has posted six 200 point games since Week 10 last year and is the odds on favorite to repeat as champ.  Kyle can still grab the #1 seed should Lazer falter down the stretch.  Your humble moderators are proposing a rule that should Kyle get the #1 seed, he should have to call out Lazer for round 1.  It’s the only fitting way for this to go. 

Kyle and Chris heading to a possible playoff showdown.

3.       Rollin’4 Deep – Finken has a few things to be thankful for.  First it’s generational RBs and the combo of Riley and Abel being bad at being bad last year.  Zeke and Barkley should continue to hold his team in the top half for the next 5 year at least.  There’s also Drew Brees mole, which has thankfully remaining benign and allowed him to play at a level not seen since Riley’s frat days at ISU.  Finken remains in good position for the playoffs with a game lead on the other contenders and 2^nd most points.  He can lock up a spot with a win over either Mitch or Seth, which will be a bright spot for him since his Huskers and Iggles seasons have been over for some time now.

Finken's sure this offseason will be much different than the previous 20 years for Nebraska.

4.       Fuck It Three – Garrett is thankful for Tyreeeeek no longer being into choking girlfriends, which has allowed him to become the #2 WR on the season (friendly reminder, Abel drafted him in the 6^th round in 2016).  With Hill and his endless supply of mid-level RB depth, he’s moved into position to make the playoffs despite Bell pulling a Riley in South America and numerous other injuries on the year.  He had better hope everyone comes back next year at full health since he barely has enough draft picks left to replace even his beloved K and D positions next season. 

Just like his beloved cats, South lands on his feet again.

5.       Play It Backwards – We were tempted to put the forward pass for Mitch based on his love of WRs but it can’t apply to someone who runs Indianola’s RBs into the ground like him.  Instead Mitch should be thankful for the Miami Dolphins team doctors.  They failed Brees physical and allowed him to sign with the Saints.  This then allowed Kamara and Thomas to become the only thing this year keeping his disappointment cruise afloat.  After getting wrecked by Lehman this past week, Mitch falls ever closer to missing the playoffs.  Watching his team last weekend, Mitch was having a worse Thanksgiving than Tiger back in 2009.

After seeing his performance this year, Indianola's looking into the Hue-ing Mitch out of town.

6.       Ah It’s Early – Seth is thankful for all of his players in the western divisions, which makes up a bulk of his roster (especially before Amari started screaming Get me outta here!).  Mahomes looks like he could be the #1 dynasty QB for some time and Keenan, DJ and Gordon will keep him competitive.  But losing that matchup to his brother-in-law was probably the nail in the coffin this season with Gordon now hurt and OS10s and R4D coming next.  As previously noted, his season was built on wins against Riley, Abel and South and getting mouth tuggers from the #1 seed’s sister.  While that’s great fodder for the rankings, not exactly a recipe for playoff success.

Rodgers and Seth's roster just hasn't looked right all year.

7.       Smells Low – Riley is thankful for Abel this year, which should allow him to cross the 3 win threshold and get him off the hook for suppling the food at the upcoming draft. It’s been a terrible year for Riley but he’s made the best of it by trading some assets away and setting himself up for the next few drafts.  If he makes the right moves in the offseason, his team could compete for a playoff spot next year.  He could also win the lottery and begin dating a good-looking straight girl…but I think we all know the odds of that.

This is most likely the most Riley is getting during these long winter months.

8.       I’m Out – As always, Abel is thankful for Busch Light which is about all he has at this point to ease the pain with.  And we had better get used to it because what do you think will be the beverage of choice at the draft? 

 

Abel's 0-12, a tradition unlike any other.

Hot Take Trade Analysis

Note: we’re not going to discuss the ridiculous Bortles trade situation since Riley will (should) probably drop him before the season ends. 

South gets N Chubb and Abel’s 2020 2^nd round pick

Abel gets J Landry, C Carson, A Collins, Lansink’s 2019 1^st and South’s 2020 1^st

South is going all in and getting a Chubb for his playoffs stretch, which he hopes is enough to avoid missing the playoffs for the first time since the inaugural season.  This really rounds out his starting roster despite all of the injuries and makes him a formidable opponent against the other 3 playoff teams. 

Abel is getting a solid PPR WR with an up-and-coming QB, 2 mid-level RBs that are better than half the RBs on his team and 2 first round draft picks which if used properly by drafting or trading, could really boost him out of the league’s cellar.  But let’s be honest folks, the cellar is where all the Busch Light belongs.

Southie hoping Chubb puts him over the top to final taste sweet victory.

One final note, we just wanted to say that we’re very thankful for this league and our ability to do these rankings every few weeks.  It’s by far the funnest (definitely a word) league that we’re involved in and enjoy the year-round banter that it entails.  But mostly we’re thankful that one of the members is banging another’s sister to provide consistent material on top of the usual, stale jokes about each other.