Season 5 Playoffs

Round 1 is in the books and it turns out your humble moderators are awful at predictions.  Both teams we picked lost as the old adage proves true again; it’s tough to beat a team 3 straight times in fake football.  Both Mitch and South had swept their opponents this season but couldn’t cross the goal line when it really mattered.  Now we’re left with the prospect of either Lansink winning his 3^rd title or Lehman talking nonstop for the next year about how great he is at fantasy sportsing.  Kyle might honestly start wearing that trophy around his neck to cards every week if it becomes his property.  None of these outcomes are good.  Let’s just get on with the recap…

NNNOOOOOO!!!! We're left with Lazer and Lehman...

If We’re Using Logic defeats Play It Backwards

Nobody thought Lazer would be in this position with ODBag getting McAdoo fired and Matty Ice and Julio being more inconsistent than Patrek’s pitch philosophy.  Mitch had plowed through the regular season like Seth through Lansink’s sisters but it ended like Riley into a ditch.  We knew it was over when Brady and Wilson were held in check and Brown went down.  Lazer powered forward to his highest point total of the year on the backs of Shady McCoy, Gronk, Ingram (thanks Abel) and Minnesota’s D, which is probably why Mitch wants to eliminate Ds and Ks.  It was the old story of age and experience upstaging virility and talent.  With retirement a real possibility in the offseason, Lazer had better get his will in order and choose which of his kids he likes the most to inherit his dynasty. 

Ha ha ha, nice season Mitch.

Off Suit 10s defeats Fuck It Three

We’re so happy for Kyle (well, at least half of us are).  South has had his well-documented failures in the playoffs over the years but Kyle has been to the playoffs 3 times previously and was 0-6 in those playoff games.  Garrett clearly didn’t wanted to lose to Chris in the title game a 3^rd time.  This will be the first time in the league where South doesn’t lose to Lazer in Week 16.  He started hot when Hunt went off on Saturday night and Kyle thought he was done for.  But Gurley managed to one-up Hunt and then $cam, McCaffrey and Drake rose up and dumped ice water on South’s hot streak.  Hell, even Blake frick’n Bortles got into it.  And when you know Bortles is feeling it, the devil goes looking for a sweater. 

Hell finally froze over for Lehman.

Championship Preview – If We’re Using Logic vs. Off Suit 10s

OK, let’s get this season over with.  Chris and Kyle split the season series and both came into the playoffs on a losing streak.  Both have been missing one of their best players for most of the season and lucked themselves into this title game.  The similarities don’t stop there. Personally, both are natural salesmen as Kyle is usually peddling fake bank accounts or luxury RVs, while Chris is touting the American Dream as a slumlord to simpletons.  Both have a tendency to be loose with their card strategies and display extreme anger in situations where things don’t work out.  But while Kyle’s hawking his chances in this matchup like a new set of steak knives, we’re not buying what he’s selling.  He may be favored at this point and have some decent matchups, but there’s no way we can bet on Bortles to be competent this many times in a row.  And he has too many choices to make between Fitz, Bryant, Tate, Graham and Agholor to play his cards right for once.  This should make a very Merry Christmas eve for each family as the patriarchs spend the holidays staring at their phones rather than pretending to care about their children and the gifts they’ve received.  IWUL – 153.60, OS10s – 139.84

After retirement, Chris may take up speed walking as his next endeavor.

Consolation Preview – Play It Backwards vs. Fuck It Three

This is truly the “who gives a shit” game.  At least in the losers bracket, you can get some sweet draft capital.  The winner here ends up making $60 more than the loser but the loser gets a spot better in the draft.  Garrett certainly doesn’t need the money as he’s still charging his wife rent and Mitch’s just coasting with his sugar-momma Heidi raking it in.  Just like the Steelers at a Bengals game, we’re assuming these two will start their players that are most likely to get injured or ejected.  PIB 76.40-FIT – 68.48

These two will be left wondering "what if" all season.

Loser Bracket Check-In

Riley took a commanding 33 point lead in the clash for the #3 pick as Freeman ran through the Bucs like Abel through a case of Busch Light and Foles showed us that maybe Wentz was just a system QB.  Abel had better make the right picks this week or Lansink might only end up with his 3^rd title trophy and not the #3 pick as well.  We’re not sure how John Ross’s 2 rushing yards on the season are going to help him move up in the draft, but we’re sure Mark Ingram wouldn’t have helped at all.

For these 2 teams, this about says it all.

Seth sits at a 15 point lead over Finken in the Battle for Barkley®™.  Gordon and Baltimore’s D led AIE to his 2^nd highest point total since Week 6.  Finken had Rodgers back for one game but it didn’t do him any good.  We’ll see if Zeke can provide the spark he needs to overcome the deficit.  Even if Seth doesn’t pull this one off, he’s still sleeping with Lansink’s sister.  And really, that’s all that matters.

Seth coming home ever night...

And last on all...

Merry Christmas fuckers!

Season 5 - Playoff Preview

Week 14 is in the books which brings a close to the 5^th regular season of the Card Night Kangs.  As mentioned previously, the playoff field was already set so this past week was all about figuring out who Mitch and South would be matching up against in Round 1.  Despite being swept by the Nose in the regular season, Mitch finishes as the top seed with the best record and most points.  As usual, South went straight for the #2 hole, which sounds exciting at first but usually turn out pretty shitty.  The law firm of Lehman and Lansink were lucky that there was really no other contenders as both of them basically stumbled their way into the playoffs finishing a very Frank Solich-esque 7-7. 

But now it time to throw the records out and start with a clean slate.  Let’s look ahead to the matchups for the 1^st round of the playoffs…

Play It Backwards vs. If We’re Using Logic

These two fools hold 3 of the 4 championship trophies that we’ve awarded in our history but this matchup guarantees that only one of them will play for the title this year.  Mitch not only ran roughshod over the league this year, but especially against Lazer, sweeping the series by an average 186-139.  PIB is an early favorite but some of his matchups are not ideal and Kamara is still more concussed than a potential Joe Mixon hook-up.  IWUL on the other hand, is getting Gronk back in his lineup and has some much easier matchups from his key guys.  It’ll take a couple Lazer/Finken vs. Patrek/Abel style matchups for him to overcome the powerhouse that Mitch has built.

We’re predicting a win by PIB but it’ll be close enough to make Lansink’s pacemaker short out a few times.  Luckily, we’ll all get to witness as there should be at least 3-4 guys in this matchup playing Monday night while we’re all together at the Chicken Coop.  PIB 163.54 – IWUL 156.92

Fuck It Three vs. Off Suit 10s

OS10s limped into the playoffs on a 3-game losing streak and only hung onto the #3 seed because Lazer’s been just as bad.  He’s got a few rough matchups this week and appears to be relying on Blake Bortles to lead him to playoff glory now that Mariota’s banged up.  And if OS10s is the Chiefs, then FIT is the Chargers.  South’s won 5 in a row and destroyed Lehman in each of their matchups this year by an average of 43 points.  It also works as South’s probably got 8 kids out there somewhere, just like Rivers. 

South is a heavy favorite and we expect that to hold true as there seems to be no end to his dumb luck.  However, his pattern on the season indicates he’s due for 2 straight losses.  This matchup should be wrapped up by Monday night so Kyle will be able to focus his full attention on cheering against Lazer.  FIT 151.84 – OS10s 124.56

We’ll also take a gander in the Losers Bracket and keep track of who’s now playing for draft picks.  It’s probably good that we change the way we award the #1 pick, to the lowest scoring teams rather than the worst record.  The Book of Etiquette is pretty easy to follow but morals and above-table practices have never been a strong suit of this group.  Good luck gentlemen to 2 weeks of obscurity, or as Abel and Riley know it, reality.

I’m Out vs. Smells Low

It’s fitting that each of these teams failed at the simplest task.  All each had to do was lose and either would’ve fallen into the Suck for Sequon®™ sweepstakes.  But each pulled off improbable and meaningless victories that left them fighting over the 3^rd pick in the draft.  Did you hear that Chris?  You could’ve had the 1^st pick from Abel but now you’ll probably get #4.  No big deal right?  Actually now that those dirty, stinking Rams made Wentz’s knee swell up larger than Riley’s nose, SL is going to struggle to reach triple digits each of these weeks.  Honestly the best remaining player in this matchup might be Denver’s D or Pitt’s kicker.  With the 3^rd and 4^th picks at stake, hopefully Finken or Seth takes the 2018 version of Treadwell before one of these asshats can get their hands on him.

Ah It’s Early vs. Rollin 4 Deep

Well, there will be a rematch of last year’s title game.  Unfortunately, it’s in the Losers Bracket as both of these teams went from first to worst in 2017, kind of like Lansink when Seth joined the family.  Both teams are down this far because of major injuries and a ton of points being scored against them.  Like a couple of typical One Percenters, Seth and Finken rigged the system and hid their wealth of talent on IR in order to screw the little guys out of the Suck of Sequon®™. 

This should be a fairly even matchup for the 1^st pick as they split the regular season series and each averaged 154 in those games.  For the first time in a while, both of the teams competing for the 1^st pick actually own their picks so there should be genuine want-to.  AIE is a slight favorite but Finken looks to get Rodgers back this week and Elliott back next week.  No matter who wins, once their teams are each healthy next year, they should both jump right back into the playoff picture.  

Seaon 5 - Week 13

Week 13 is in the books and our 5^th regular season is one week away from concluding.  The playoff field is set although there is still matchups to figure out.  Mitch is set at the #1 seed and South is a solid, but nutty #2.  The cursed lovers of Kyle and Chris get to fight over who gets stuck playing Mitch in the 1^st round.  The draft-pick bracket is much more in flux as all of the losers except Abel are still vying for the 1^st pick.  One of Seth and Finken will make it as they’re playing each other and the loser will finish with the worst record.  Riley is almost a lock to be the other spot as he plays Mitch this week (currently a 31 point dog) and has a 100 point lead (?) on Abel if/when he loses to Chris.  This weekend is going to be more anticlimactic than Riley’s future wedding night.

Playoffs are almost here....

We’ll dive more into playoff matchups and predictions next week, but for now, on with the Power Rankings…

1.       Play It Backwards – Even without Antonio Brown in his lineup, Mitch posted high points on the week and nearly doubled up R4D’s helpless squad.  Right now, PIB has 3 of the top 4 QBs (which doesn’t include the QBs he traded away), 3 of the top 10 WRs, the 3^rd best RB and 2 first round picks.  We think it’s safe to say he’ll be a contender for the foreseeable future.  While it looked possible for Mitch to post one of the best season point totals at some point, he’ll have to settle for top 5 season score of all-time.  Since this last game is basically meaningless, PIB could either go easy on Riley and lock him into the 3^rd pick game and go for RB glory or piss pound him with his WRs into the 1^st pick game.  

Mitch dont' even need me this week, RB4LIFE

2.       Fuck It Three – South’s team is rounding into shape nicely at the right time.  He’s won 4 straight and scored over 155 in each match.  Amazingly enough, if FIT beats OS10s this week, his 2^nd half will exactly mirror his 1^st half, just as we predicted in Week 10.  He lost to R4D and PIB each time this year and swept the rest of his games.  Lucky for him, R4D didn’t get invited to the playoffs this year and he’ll only have to worry about PIB if he makes the title game.  At least that’s never been an issue for South before…

Yes the playoffs!!!  Wait, I suck at the playoffs...

3.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle’s team is doing the exact opposite of South’s.  He’s lost 2 in a row and since posting a score of 215 in Week 10, he hasn’t made it to 150 since.  With Ertz ailing, his 2 TE strategy could be more troublesome than asking Chris which card he should play.  He’ll need to make better roster decisions as we get into the playoffs as he left six 20+ scorers on the bench this week.  This entitles Kyle to the Cesaer Award as that would’ve guaranteed himself 3^rd place and helped him avoid the first-degree assault that Mitch is going to dole out in the first round.

Get that Cesaer award out of here.

4.       If We’re Using Logic – Luckily for Chris, he’s already in the playoffs because if it came down to Week 14, he could be in trouble.  Gronk went full Lansink-after-his-partner-Kyle-bids-4-over-him-with-A-Q-4-and-a-pair-of-offsuit-10s and got himself suspended for one game and now Ingram might be banged up.  Luckily all he has to beat is Abel and hope Kyle loses to South or hope that he outscores Kyle by 61 if their results match.  As outside spectators, we cannot wait until the Monday night text explosion once Pat’s D doesn’t quite get Chris there.  A 1^st round matchup against FIT would almost be the same as a bye as he’s 4-0 against South in 4 years of playoffs.  Statistics basically guarantee that trend to continue.

Temper, temper Chris, I mean Tom.

5.       Smells Low – Riley doesn’t belong here but he’s in the perfect spot.  He has almost no chance to beat Mitch which means he’ll fall to 5-9.  Since he has the least points by far (thanks to multiple sub 90 games), he’ll fall into the #1 pick game by default.  Good work Riley, I’m sure this is exactly how you drew it up.  We could all feel better about this knowing that he will be the 5^th different GM to have to provide food at the draft.  However, then we remember that Riley is an unemployed bee molester that will probably just show up to the draft with whatever is left in his mom’s freezer. 

Let's go get that first pick.

6.       I’m Out – Abel just barely snuck by Riley after 1^st-round equivalent Boswell nailed the winning FG on MNF.  The problem is that FG basically took him out of the #1 pick game.  If he would’ve lost, he’d have the same record as Finken and Seth and could’ve glided into that game after Lansink thrashed him this week.  Abel, you should’ve Abel’d when you could have but now you Abel’s yourself out of prime position.  But when we really think about it, maybe Abel’s smarter than we realize.  Lansink is the one who really owns Abel’s 1^st pick.  Maybe Jared wanted to stick it to his trade-raper and make sure Lazer ends up with the 4^th pick, not the first.  No Barkley for Lazer.  Bravo Abel, bravo.

Rollin’ 4 Deep/Ah It’s Early – Finken and Seth are in the same situation.  Same records and both have much higher point totals than Riley or Abel.  One of them is playing for the 1^st pick and the other will be playing for the 3^rd pick.  While in the interest of sportsmanship and fairness, they should probably start the best players they could and let the chips fall where they may.  However, we advocate that they try and out-tank each other by starting the worst “starters” who are actually playing on their roster.  This may be tough for Finken as half his roster isn’t active at this point but could make for a very interesting final week.

Who'll be dancing their way to Barkley?

Season 5 - Week 11

Week 11 is in the books and the fantasy season is rounding the corner into the home stretch.  There is very little drama on who will make the playoffs at this point and who is left trying to Suck for Sequon®™.  Mitch is clearly the top dog and Kyle, South and Lazer are stuck trying to avoid playing him in the 1^st round.  The bottom half is a tier of awfulness and injuries that only Riley’s Kleenex and Seth’s 2015 campaign has experienced before. 

All four of you are stupid, not that I'm bitter.

Let us take a minute to address the accusations being leveled against the Power Rankings and the ability to put out a weekly product.  We totally deny any involvement in actual, productive work for 12 months out of the year that would cut into our time to properly study tape and evaluate where each team is on a weekly basis.  Furthermore, we resent the implication that we’re just “too busy making private sector money”.  If these rumors persist, you will hear from our defamation lawyers.

And now on with the power rankings…

1.       Play It Backwards – To no one’s surprise, Mitch is still the class of the league.  He put a coaching clinic on for Lazer this weekend as he rolled to a season sweep that reinforced why Mitch is coordinating a high level of football and Lazer’s still stuck on JV.  He had his eye on the high score of the year after Brown put up 42 on TNF, and followed through on MNF as Russell Wilson put up 35 points to post the 2^nd highest score ever.  PIB has essentially wrapped up the #1 seed with a 2 game cushion and a huge points lead with an easier remaining schedule than a Lansink sister staring at that lovely bearded face of Seth’s. 

Mitch running wild over the league this year.

2.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle tried to sneak that one by in the dead of night like a shady deal that will go unmentioned.  The entire league was fine with Finken winning prior to MNF but Kyle raised such hell that we were forced to go along with his wishes.  He needed 18 points from his 2^nd starting TE and managed to get 20 at the gun.  We get a potential playoff preview this week as OS10s faces off with PIB in a battle of the two hottest teams in the league.  Each have won 4 straight and while it was expected for Mitch, Kyle negotiated into his contract a new set of steak knives if he hits 5 in a row.

Kyle watched Jimmy Graham grab that final catch

3.       Fuck It Three – We’ve known for a while that Garrett loves the D.  While it’s usually not a good sign when a team’s defense is the 2^nd highest scorer of the week, in South’s case, the D of his choice went off all over his opponent as he almost doubled up Riley.  FIT is in great position as he gets Abel this week and is head-to-head against Kyle and Chris, his main playoff competition.  He can cement a spot in the #2-3 game and give himself a chance to take down Goliath in the finals with his daycare center of immature players.  If South’s track record of maturity or success in the finals is any indicator, we don’t have high hopes.

hehehe...HJs

4.       If We’re Using Logic – Lansink put up a pretty solid week and would’ve beat every other team this week (I think you can see where we’re going with this…Chris, please avert your eyes).  The problem was that he was playing Mitch who posted an all-timer.  While Brown was the main culprit, it was Nathan Peterman who really did him in throwing 5 picks (one for a TD) which lessened the opportunity for McCoy to do damage.  If you ask Chris, that’s like a 30 point swing.  Oh wait, that wouldn’t have been enough?  Well then….garbage time TD bullshit, right Chris?

Chris's anger management classes are progressing quite well this year.

5.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Decimated by injuries and suspensions which has resulted in a 3 game tailspin, Finken’s now looking to find the best position in the draft.  There were a couple moves that would have provided a win over Kyle and kept his playoff hopes alive.  However, the prospect of an early pick instead of getting pistol-whipped by Mitch in the 1^st round of the playoffs was probably a blessing in disguise.  So Finken gets the Cesaer Award this week, but really, it’s like a half-Cesaer, otherwise known as a Paulie.  Entering the home stretch, R4D will be focusing on gutting his roster for potential draft picks as well as finalizing his proposal to have 8 IR slots beginning in 2018. 

Thank the Lord I got off Finken's team, I may actually walk again.

6.       I’m Out – Abel has shown some signs of life recently.  He’s won 2 of 3, seems to have set his lineup set just before 11:58am every Sunday and even started throwing FAAB around.  Even if $25 was on Amendola, who he dropped a week later for a kicker.  Now that Smokin Jay is in the concussion protocol and Famous Jameis is being Weinstein’d again, this time by an Uber driver that most likely goes by the screen name Burkleton, Abel will turn to one Mitchell Trubisky to guide his team going forward.  With a stable of RBs like Latavius Murray and Carlos Hyde, 2018 is really starting to look up….or down.  Knowing Abel, it’s probably down.

Abel, please go add Brock Osweiler.  It's your destiny.

7.       Ah It’s Early – Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Without a guaranteed 40 points form DJ each week, Seth has proven to be a below average manager who’s now lost 6 in a row and sitting in last place of the standings.  Playing a backup to the backup RB may have made sense to him entering the week, but Captain Hindsight tells us it was a worse decision than when Cara decided on his marriage proposal.  AIE looks to continue his strategic tanking in week 12 as brothers are forced to do battle.  Seth is in a great position as it’s assured that he won’t be low points on the year, but has a high likelihood of falling into the #1 pick. 

Yeah baby, either #1 or #1 pick, no in between for Seth.

8.       Smells Low – While Riley might not have the worst record, he deserves the last spot after posting his 3^rd score of <90 on the season.  He had 4 guys in his starting lineup go for a combined 2.04 points.  Riley is as good at picking starting QBs as he is interested ladies at a bar.  He’s in full rebuild mode and he’s looking to turn his team around in 2018, while simultaneously turning his lesbian friend around.  We wish him the best of luck in his pursuit of a trophy greater than any the CNK could offer.  Please take pictures for all of us who will never know such a thing in this life.

Season 5 - Week 7

Week 7 is in the books and that means we have reached the halfway point of our pretend football season.  There is a tremendous amount of parity in the league this year with seven teams only two games out of first and four teams are within five points of each other.  Every game from here on out is a rematch so hopefully each manager learned a lot about their opponents and kept detailed scouting notes for the race to the finish.  Although record and point will determine the postseason, with no one really deserving the shot at the title, we may need to resort to a Harvey Weinstein-esque casting couch audition for the playoffs.  Set into our hotel room and show us how badly you want into the playoffs. 

The playoff picture is as clear as the Pats pumped in fog.

And now, on with the power rankings…

1.       Play It Backwards – Well, Mitch has been playing with fire for the past few weeks and it finally caught up with him.  In Week 5, he snuck by Kyle only because Diggs and Tate got hurt and in Week 6, he squeaked by Finken after Rodgers left the game early.  The amazing part is that it was Riley’s lowly squad that finally took him down.  Mitch has a healthy roster and the record and points lead right now.  He may look like Dowling right now but it can’t be forgotten that he’s only one season removed from looking like the Waukee junior high team.    

Mitch coordinated this kid to 1,600 yards this season.

2.       Fuck it Three – Garrett comes to the midway point as the hottest team in the league winning his last 5 matchups.  This is impressive as he’s only scored the 5^th most points in the league.  A deeper dive illustrates the fact that he’s faced by far the fewest points scored against him.  Between this and most of his rookies turning into top-level dynasty assets, who would’ve guessed South would be so lucky?  Did we mention that he’s won 3 of the first 7 “random” payouts?  Something smells fishy and it’s not his mom’s hygiene bag. 

3.       If We’re Using Logic – Lansink curbed his 3-game slide by getting his Abel bye-week at the right time.  Julio finally broke out for the first time this year and Doug Baldwin did what HOFers do.  He’ll get a few more bottom-feeders in the next few weeks before getting into the meat of his schedule which will determine if he has a fourth straight playoff run or not left in him.  At his age, Chris only has so many seasons left so he had better make each opportunity count.

Take a seat and relax Chris, your knees probably need the break.

4.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Elliott received a stay of suspension again and powered Finken’s team to high points for the week.  R4D is in quite a conundrum.  He’s scored the 2^nd highest points and is currently in the playoff hunt.  However, he also currently has 8 guys listed on the IR or as Out, his best QB is lost for the season and has to play QB roulette with should-be back-ups, and his best flex option will probably be suspended for the rest of the season.  His heart wants to make some moves and keep plugging along but his brain is saying blow it up and play for next year.  It’s a good thing the option of punting always appeals to his nature.

Even punters have a right to be happy.

5.       Ah It’s Early – Along Lansink’s sister, Seth gets to take the Caesar Bad Manager of the Week Award to bed this week for making Cooper ride the pine.  If he would’ve started Amari over any of his other options, he not only would’ve beaten R4D, he also would have taken home the weekly payout for highest scoring WR.  As we always say, when you can leave a top 10 dynasty asset on your bench, you do it.  It doesn’t get any easier for Seth this week with Mitch coming to town.  His Week 8 roster choices had better be superior to Cara’s life decisions or he may be the victim of a worse beating than Adrian Peterson’s children.  Mitch, go get yourself a switch.

You could say Seth slipped up this past week. 

6.       Off Suit 10s – After a rough first few weeks to the year, Kyle had been rolling until his team decided to put out a shit sandwich against South this past week.  Gurley and Ertz continued their hot streak but otherwise, he had 7 guys score under 11 points.  AP turned back into a washed-up child beater and picking up Chris Ivory was not an equal Fournette replacement.  Getting Watson, Tate and Diggs back should make his Flex decisions easier but having cancerous players like Lynch and Bryant in the locker room could destroy his team from the inside.  Only a master RV/steak knife/volcano insurance salesman like himself could galvanize this team to make a playoff push. 

Maybe Kyle's persuasive ways come from a higher power.

7.       Smells Low – Riley sniffed out the right moves and put a lickin’ on his former mentor.  His starting roster was almost completely optimized and he put up his highest output of the year.  This makes sense as its cold-and-flu season now maybe it was his schnoz’s additional output that propelled him to victory over PIB.  Riley’s boom-or-bust team faces off against IWUL this week.  Just like Riley’s love life, with Fournette again out we’re expecting a bust. 

Sharing a wardrobe with Scam never helps.

I’m Out – Abel failed to hit 100 for the 2^nd time this year and didn’t start the franchise QB he just traded his 1^st round pick for.  At least Kenny Britt was still in his lineup to get him those precious 2.7 points now that he’s active…

Season 5 - Week 5

Week 5 is in the books and it’s become abundantly clear that the 2017 version of the league is made up of contenders and pretenders.  The problem is that currently, Mitch is the only contender and everyone else are pretenders.  To be fair, several teams have lost their best player this year; Seth lost DJ, Chris lost ODBag, Aaron lost Elliott, Jared lost Nick Folk.  The list goes on. 

With a clear leader, we at the Power Rankings have decided to establish this week’s ranking based on each team’s odds of taking down our inaugural champ.  And on with the rankings…

1.       Play It Backwards – Mitch sits firmly atop the rankings this week with another solid performance.  After starting off the year with a loss and only scoring 118, Mitch has rattled off four straight weeks scoring over 150.  His WRs are elite across the board and with the emergence of Slingin’ Alex Smith, he shouldn’t have any bye week issues at QB.  PIB’s RBs are a shit show however with each having a floor of 0 and a ceiling of “pray they find the end zone”.  With a busy wife and three young kids at home, a group of high school boys to coordinate and his father-in-law’s arson to rebuild, we predict Mitch is the most likely CNKer to keep Mitch from grasping the title.  Odds 1:1.

Na na na boo boo, stick your head in do do

2.       Fuck It Three – Garrett’s merry band of rookies have been rolling recently posting 3 wins in a row, albeit 2 of those wins were against Riley and Abel.  Hunt appears to be the real deal and getting Doug Martin back should help to bolster his Flex options.  If Kelce stops seeing butterflies and Luck can come back soon to fill the Goff-sized hole at QB and, he can present a formidable roadblock to Mitch.  But we all know how this is going to end….same as it did against Chris….twice: in 2^nd place.  Odds 2:1

Man, why did South have to trade me?

3.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken’s roster probably has the best shot at taking down Mitch and we get a preview of this matchup in Week 6.  His starters are relatively healthy and there’s enough firepower to go toe-to-toe with PIB but like in the bedroom, depth could be an issue.  R4D’s been pretty unlucky this year posting only a 2-3 record while scoring the 2^nd most points but 3 losses in a row is 3 losses in a row.  You can’t hope to beat Mitch if you’re not in the playoffs.  If he can’t turn the ship around fast enough, Mike Riley might not be the only one looking for a new job at the end of this season.  Odds 3:1

Finken probably won't be doing this anytime soon.

4.       Ah It’s Early – Don’t let his record fool you, Seth’s team is a shell of its 2016 self.  Solid performances by Gordon and Nuke allowed him to put up high points in Week 5, but lack of depth through the bye weeks will likely anchor Seth’s ceiling.  With one of the best WR corps on paper, AIE will need his studs to step it up more consistently in DJ’s absence in order to stand a chance against the resident powerhouse.  But if AIE can hang onto a playoff spot and DJ shows back up towards the end of the season, things could get very interesting.  Odds 5:1

Seth can almost make out DJ coming back in the distant future.

5.       If We’re Using Logic – Lifted straight from our last rankings “IWUL can surely rely on Gronk and ODBag staying healthy to remain atop the Power Rankings”.  The jinx worked like a charm.  Without fantasy football’s top dynasty asset, IWUL falls to #5 this week after a loss to his sister’s impregnator.  Murray and Julio will need to break out of the respective funks if Lazer hopes to keep his playoff streak alive.  Beating Mitch will be an even taller order and it appears that Lansink has resorted to picking Eli back up and relying on him without any WRs after trading away Famous Jameis.  Good luck with that Chris.  Odds 8:1

And all Chris's dreams go down the drain.

6.       Off Suit 10s – This is probably a bit low for OS10s as he’s posted some good scores after a slow start and gave Mitch a run for his money this past week.  If $cam, Gurley, Ertz and Diggs keep posting video game numbers, Kyle will rocket up this rankings and could make Mitch regret trading him Watson.  But then Mitch will remind Kyle that he gave him a 1^st round pick for a 31 year old RB who’s been retired for 2 years and has yet to top 76 yards in a game.  If his main guys keep putting up elite stats, Kyle could sneak his way into the playoffs and Trump has proven that anything can happen.  If you believe that, Kyle’s got a set of steak knives to sell you.  Odds 12:1

Watson may be carrying the water for Lehman's team.

7.       Smells Low – Let’s not kid ourselves, Riley’s team is not good.  But he is just frisky enough to jump up and bite someone on any given week, like he did last week against R4D.  Mitch may regret trading Fournette to Riley as that would’ve solved all of his RB issues.  ­­­­Kizer might be a work in progress but so is Riley’s fashion sense.  With a late-season Ajayi breakout like last year, Riley could pull off a few wins through the rest of the season.  However, the point total hole he’s found himself in is deeper than the hole $cam found himself in after his press conference last week.  Riley might lose some of his ugly hat endorsements if his team continues to struggle.  Odds 36:1.

Peyton's not walking through Riley's door this year.

8.       I’m Out – Almost guaranteed one of the top 2 picks in the 2018 rookie draft, Abel decides to trade that very valuable draft capital for a crab-stealing QB and a rookie WR with more rushes and fumbles than catches.  We at the Power Rankings suspect that Abel may be covertly running the Cleveland Browns in addition to I’m Out as the success correlation between the two is uncanny.  As of right now, the 2018 draft meal is trending up while Abel’s odds of beating Mitch are trending down.  Odds: Powerball Jackpot:1