Season 8 - Championship Round

Round 1 is in the books and with it came scoring that we haven’t seen since Carol South was in high school.  After nearly two months of sub-175 scoring (except Garrett), we got 6 teams to eclipse that total (or come very close).  In fact, about the only teams to underperform were Riley and Abel.  Maybe Abel was nervous for his first playoff run or maybe his bedroom performance anxiety was rearing its ugly head.  Either way, we have to say goodbye to Jared after the briefest of title hopes.  Garrett expectedly took care of him with ease by posting his 4^th straight 200+ game and won by a margin higher than his glucose levels.  It was the bloodbath we all saw coming. 

In the other semifinal, Mitch did everything he could to hold off Finken, including fielding an illegal roster of 5 starting QBs after Brees was pronounced on Friday morning (which he still hasn’t remedied…6 days now…).  Mitch knew he was in trouble Thursday night after Waller and Herbert put up 60.  But it was the close-out TD by back-ups Pollard and McKissic to end each game that really put him over the top. 

Finken had to sweat out the afternoon slate as Kyler lit up his Iggles and the Saints played catch-up to the Chiefs.  Luckily for him, the old, washed-up QB Finken traded to Mitch before the season kept their offense in check and had to be replaced around the end-zone by the TD-stealing machine that is Taysom Hill.  The other side of that trade…back-up RB, Tony Pollard.  We’re sure that Mitch took that in stride.

Mitch seeing Pollard was going crazy...

Championship Preview – Fuck It Three vs. Rollin’ 4 Deep

As the saying goes, the cream always rises to the top.  So it’s fitting that the two highest scoring teams made the title game (along with most handsome, most well-endowed, etc…we could go on).  This will be Finken’s 3^rd trip to the finals and South’s 5^th (and 3^rd straight).    It’ll be a rematch from the 2018 title game where Finken narrowly bested Garrett after stat-correcting Lazer.  #NeverForget  Garrett will hope this rematch goes better than the only other rematch in the finals with Lansink back in 2015, who toppled him for his 2^nd of 7 championships. 

Now let’s take a look at the actual matchup.  Garrett’s currently favored by 20+ and with the way his team’s been playing, it probably won’t be that close.  But Diggs and Robinson are banged up and he’s got a few tough matchups in Cook and JJ against the Saints D.  However, that didn’t stop Kelce or Hill from going off last week and now they get the Falcons at home.  He also gets Chubb at full-staff against the Jets and is able to throw Bell in his lineup after the Chiefs replacement-level, gadget RB went down with an ankle sprain.  If he doesn’t put up 200+ with that lineup, it’ll be a Christmas miracle.

Finken got lucky with a few big games from back-up RBs in round 1 and it may be tough to replicate that performance, especially if Zeke is back in the lineup who’s been worse than Finken in a 5K.  Waller probably can’t repeat his effort last week and his QBs can only do so much.  Finken’s ceiling is only so high when he’s relying on a bunch of WR2s and 3^rd down RBs.  And while there’s always a chance of something not working out for South, we’re betting this is another bloodbath.  FIT – 194.25, R4D – 163.21

How many titles is South going to have?

3^rd Place Preview – I’m Out vs. Play It Backwards

Congrats on a great season both of you.  It’s been an amazing 4 months, especially for Abel.  And now you get the opportunity to square off for $40 and the most forgettable finishing place in our league.  (insert your own unchecked enthusiasm)  Early word is that Mitch wants this one bad as he’s seeking a springboard of momentum into next year.  That and the extra $40 is like half a bag of horse oats.  That stuff ain’t cheap and he’s got a down payment on a stable to think about.  We’ll say Mitch wins this weeks Who Cares Territory matchup.  PIB – 174.8, IO – 161.24 

The gameshow summary of this matchup.

1^st Pick Match-Up Update

Lehman (and by Lehman, we mean Abel) has a 14 point lead as of now after posting his season-high point total of 190.  However, the projections are showing Seth could easily make that up faster than he can talk Lansink’s sister into the sack.  With a head coach finally figuring out that David Johnson is actually a WR in disguise and MaHomie facing a soft ATL D, Seth is set to rebound faster than round 2 with Lansink’s sister (2 sister jokes in as many sentences!)  It shouldn’t take much as Kyle’s band of backups, misfits and has-beens is bound to disappoint.  Prediction: Seth gets 1.1, Abel gets 1.2

The #1 pick and continued sister jokes, A-OK with us.

3^rd Pick Match-up Update

Had he tried just a little harder this year (or maybe drafted just a little better), he would’ve outscored Mitch on the season, made the playoffs and be sitting in the finals now.  But we’re sure leading Riley by 64 points in the 3^rd pick game is just as good.  With Swift and JTT picking up steam and Josh Allen shedding the Pats curse, Chris is looking like he’ll extend his lead just like Trump on election night.  Riley can lobby for a recount all he wants but due to his poor math education in high school, he probably can’t count that high.  Prediction: Chris gets 1.3, Riley gets 1.4

Come on Chris, this could've been yours again.

As always, and we think we can speak for everyone, we’re all appreciative of all you guys for having fun with this league and giving us an excuse to keep razzing everyone.  Enjoy the holidays with your family and then we get to start the countdown to Vegas.  Merry Christmas!!!

May all your stockings be filled happiness and joy and...

Season 8 - Playoff Preview

Week 14 is in the books and that means our regular CNK season is over and it’s time for the playoffs to begin.  We’ll delve into those matchups soon enough but first let’s take a look back on how we got here.  Three teams were locked into their playoff spots since Week 12.  Mitch had several chances to lock up the last spot but instead did everything possible to give hope to those below him by losing 4 straight.  But falling bass-akwards into the 4^th spot was his fate as Riley outdueled his losing by dropping 7 (!!!) in a row and Chris’s Best Rookie Draft Ever™ took a page from his bedroom playbook and underwhelmed all season.  Chris, we’ve heard Seth is an expert in these situations and could really give you some pointers.

We cannot go any further though without acknowledging Abel’s achievement this year of making the playoffs for the first time in 8 years.  It was done through a combination of smart drafting and smart trading (and a lot of hand-holding) but absolutely no waiver wire usage.  Acquiring Henry from Lazer, Carr from Mitch and Keenan and Teddy Two-Gloves from Seth were all great moves to field a competitive team.  Having the foresight to draft (and not trade) Metcalf, Andrews, Claypool, Harris and Jacobs along with having 2 firsts this coming year (one of which will be Kyle's 1.1 or 1.2) should set him up for years to come.  It just goes to show that you can only rip someone so many times before it comes back to bite you.
 

That brings us to our regular season and reigning champ, Garrett South, who has solidified himself as the top seed in a dominating fashion we haven’t seen since Riley took on that ultra-strength box of Kleenex.  South won 7 straight AND registered high points in each of those 7 weeks.  He put up 189+ in 6 of those 7 weeks.  No one else in that span has even hit 180, which is pretty pathetic when you really think about it.  In fact, he broke Lehman’s total season points record of 2,517 by a total of 35, or roughly the number of hairs on Seth’s neck.   

Garrett goes into the playoff bracket a bigger favorite than anyone facing Nebraska this year (or really any of the past decade).  Having 9 of the top 34 ranked players on the season and a now healthy Chubb makes him the stiffest competition in the playoffs.  However, there is caution as the #1 seed has not produced a champion since the 2016 season, which includes that record season from Kyle and Lazer getting stat-corrected.  So while South looks like both an unstoppable force and an immovable object, so did Mitch, Chris and Kyle over the last few years respectively.  But since his fantasy kryptonite (Lansink) is not in the playoffs, it should be as smooth a sailing as Riley convincing his Tinder dates to get into his free-candy van. 

Garrett to everyone else after his run this year.

This means Garrett had his choice as who he gets to match up against for Round 1.  Sources familiar with the decisions say it was a tough choice.  It was between a competent Finken who’s been playing balls to the Waller, a struggling Mitch with no Brees in his sails or Abel who has as many playoff wins as he does Busch Light-less evenings during the pandemic.  So our field is now set and with that, let’s preview the 1^st round of our playoff bracket…

Fuck It Three vs. I’m Out

As dominating as South’s team has been, it all starts fresh now.  He’s currently favored by almost 30 points, which is almost as much as Chris scores in an average game of pitch.  However, he’s got a few matchups that are tougher than they appear.  His Vikings get a tough Bears D (much like Riley's Grindr favorites) and his Chiefs could be locked up by the Saints.  But even if South’s squad stumbles a bit, Derrick Henry can only carry Abel’s roster so far.  The former Redskins should clamp down DK and Carson while the remaining starters would all need season-high type games to keep up.  It’s been a feel good story but unfortunately, this movie isn’t on Disney+.  FIT 184.52 – IO 145.6.

Rollin’ 4 Deep vs. Play It Backwards

Mitch has been all over the place this year.  First, he looked awful.  Then he looked like the mid-season favorite but has faltered down the stretch once Brees got hurt, which effected almost half his roster.  Adams has been ridiculous in every game he’s played but Kyler’s also struggled recently with injury and gets a tough Philly D this weekend.  His Saints get the Chiefs and could be in catch-up mode all game which always helps while Dobbins and Sanders have plum matchups.  He’s primed for a break-out game that’s been absent from his fantasy output longer than his Indians losing streak against Dowling. 

Finken on the other hand, much like his personality, has been boringly consistent throughout the year.  His RBs have been a tire-fire all year and Twitter is abuzz with word that he may start a guy named Wayne or JD McWho?  Luckily his depth at WR has been up to the task.   Asked for further comment, his wife Rachel replied, “What depth?”  Rodgers regaining his MVP swagger and Herbert looking like the next big thing (outside of facing Belichick) hasn’t hurt either.  His matchups are also pretty decent outside of the constant Questionable tag next to half his roster. 

These two both separated themselves in the Double League by making up the final four so it’s fitting this is the match-up here as well.  It looks pretty even on paper although Finken did win both contests during the regular season.  We’ll say Finken ekes out a win with the TE Taysom Hill scoring too many points for the Saints and JD McKissic doing his best Tim Hightower impression in Gibson's absence.  R4D 172.24 – PIB 167.48

 

Our official prediction...

Who Cares Territory

While the playoffs are the main reason we’re here, we’d be remiss if we didn’t at least discuss the remaining four teams who are playing for draft position.  There was some drama in Week 14 as Riley and Chris both had a shot at the last playoff spot but all of 4 bottom feeders had a more realistic shot at the #1 draft pick game.  We here at the power rankings, in our ivory-playoff tower looking down on the serfs of the league, were disappointed there weren’t more shenanigans in trying to obviously tank into the top pick.  Bad form gentlemen. 

Riley didn’t really stand a chance against South and Chris couldn’t help but beat the worst team in the league, which we’ll get to in a minute.  There really isn’t a worse position to be in at this point as there isn’t much exciting about vying for the 3^rd pick and no way to win a 12^th title for Chris.  On the bright side, they both have their 1^st round picks and Ja’Marr Chase would be a nice piece for either to add to their non-playoff worthy rosters.

Nobody should have to watch this matchup.

Really Who Cares Territory

And then we come to the toilet bowl.  Seth saw the writing on the wall early this season despite Mahomes MVP-caliber season and played for this spot.  With Dak back next year, his QB situation is set for years to come and he’s got some decent WRs to build around.  Since Finken doesn’t have a shot at 1.1, there’s obviously not a generational RB sitting waiting at 1.1.  However, there will be some good RB options and Seth desperately needs one of them…or two of them…or more accurately 3-4 of them.  Additionally, his TEs are about as poopy as it gets so he had better grab a few of those with his plethora of 2^nd round picks. 

Kyle was in a tough situation last weekend.  He could have lost to Chris (which is never fun) but kept Lazer picking in the middle of the round.  Or he could’ve beat Chris (which is always great) but that would’ve made Chris a lock for a top 2 pick.  Also not a good option.  In the end, Kyle lost and scored the fewest points on the week, which is par for the course this year.  And without all his draft capital, his prospects for next year look about as appealing as whatever strip club buffet that we vote on for him to spring for in Vegas.  Best of luck to you both, you'll need it.

Season 8 - Week 11

Week 11 is in the books and we are now entering the home stretch.  With only 3 games left, we are reminded how fleeting football season really is, as it will soon be once again gone from our lives.  So now, let us take some time to give thanks to not only our circle of friends.  But also to the NFL, who’s blatant disregard for human life fills our Sundays (and Monday nights…and Thursday nights…and soon Saturday nights) so that our cup runeth over. 

As mentioned, there are only 3 weeks left and really everyone except Seth is still in it for the playoff picture.  Even Lazer has the points and the easy schedule to backdoor in.  We have a potential title game preview this week between South and Mitch and toilet bowl game between Lehman and Seth.  There’s a little something for everyone. 

Let’s also take a brief gander at our other leagues and be thankful for the bounty they bring us as well.  Your humble moderators have stopped paying attention to the best ball league as that is dumb and unfair and no one cares about how that is going.  

Good job Seth and Abel, no one cares...

Let’s spend all our energy enjoying the double team league.  Since it was Chris’s idea, we’re sure that meant he really planned and strategized to dominate the league.  Let’s check in on how that’s going...

It’s actually pretty interesting.  Finken and Mitch have the top two teams in each division, South has both 3^rds, Seth and Kyle are fighting for the playoffs in each and Chris is in DFL all around.  They say the cream usually rises to the top, and we feel this could be used as hard, clinical proof much like Trump’s voter fraud claims.  We would also be remiss if we didn’t mention on several occasions, Lazer has put forth incomplete starting rosters.  Now we never laid out a formal punishment for such a thing in this league but top brass at the Power Rankings has suggested covering everyone's door fee at the first (of many...like a lot) gentlemen’s club visits we make in Vegas.

 But for now, on with the power rankings...

1. Fuck It Three – Garrett is sitting in the catbird seat and can lock up his playoff spot this weekend by knocking off PIB.  South has much to be thankful for, mainly that Annie is comfortable being stuck living with a grown ass child thru this quarantine.  But also that everyone declined his trade offers for Dalvin Cook throughout the first half of the season.  He’d probably still be a playoff team without the #2 ranked RB on the season, but not the prohibitive favorite as he is now.  With solid depth all around especially with Chubb back in his RB spot, Annie will be wondering why he doesn't bring more chubb to their BD spot.  

2. Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken was thankful to escape being a heavy underdog to Mitch and come away victorious last week.  But his gratitude and true key to success this season after losing Barkley in Week 2 should be aimed at the Chargers team doctor for puncturing Tyrod’s lung and inserting Herbert into his starting lineup for the next decade.  Without that and a resurgent Rodgers, he’d be needing his favorite psychedelic in order to see himself in the playoff hunt.    

Wait, Finken misplayed again during BGA night...I wonder why?

3. Play It Backwards – After Mitch’s Thanksgiving feast and one of his patented card-night style naps, Mitch will reflect on how thankful he is that most of his recent draft picks have panned out to put him in this position.  Murray as a QB and RB 1 along with Kamara, Sanders and Gibson make a formidable lineup.  But then you sprinkle in some dubious trading to get Devante Adams and that’s just the cherry on the pumpkin pie.  And now that his own Indians football season is over, he can turn his attention towards caring for all of Heidi’s low-cost and low-maintenance pets.

Honey...I think we need to start building a stable....

4. I’m Out – Abel’s thanks goes out to everyone in this league for showing the latitude and patience it’s taken for him to finally build a winner in Year 8.  We all know it wasn’t done thru quick trading...or the waiver wire to be honest.  It seems like everyone has had a hand in helping Abel get where he is today between South giving him a ton of draft capital for Chubb, him giving that to Lazer for Henry and ODBag and Seth giving him Keenan Allen for...something.  But with his core guys, Metcalf and Claypool primed to be top WRs for a decade and 2 firsts next year, Abel could be getting comfortable in the top half of the standings, which is an unusual feeling for him…or his Vikings…or his Gophers.

5. Smells Low – Riley has a lot to be thankful for and most of it doesn’t have to do with football since his team’s fallen apart.  He should be thankful for Russ’s cookin’ but that will only get him so far.  He’s thankful that unlike most of his other key players, he hasn’t had to visit the ER in the past few weeks.  And his proclivity to recent injury begs the question, if he’s so opposed to harming his body with drugs and alcohol, why is he so willing to expose it to constant battery, broken limbs and endless exposure to STDs. 

Riley may have all of these by the time we hit Vegas next summer.

6. If We’re Using Logic – We should all be thankful that Chris allowed us to witness the most perfect draft.  He showed us all how to tear it down, accumulate assets, maneuver on draft day and get the best players.  And now that it hasn’t worked out as he planned, he’ll get to show us all over again.  With his lack of commissioning or even participating in his double-team league, we can only assume his sole focus has been on figuring out how to acquire all eight 1^st round picks.  That way he won’t miss on all of his picks as he’s known to do.  That is, if he survives his bout with COVID at his high-risk age. 

Don't follow his example Chris, we need you for card night.

7. Off Suit 10s – Within the framework of the league, Kyle doesn’t have a lot to be thankful for.  He’s the front runner to spring for all our meals at the dirtiest buffet in Vegas.  Most of his solid assets are aging and he’s got no draft capital until...(checking notes)...2025.  But outside of the CNK, Kyle’s got plenty to be thankful for.  Mortgage rates are as low as ever meaning all kinds of people are refinancing and pulling equity out allowing Lehman to sell them a whole plethora of RVs and steak knife sets with the proceeds. 

Lehman will put you in the motorhome of your dreams.

8. Ah It’s Early – We all know what Seth is thankful for and we here at the Power Rankings are thankful for it as well.  He enjoys showing his thanks over and over and over and over again…

Season 8 - Week 9

 Week 9 is in the books and it’s been a while since we had ourselves a good, ole-fashion power rankings.  The nation has now cleansed itself of Trump and you’d think that we used this break to drum up some new material and come with some fresh content after our break.  But you’d be wrong.  It’s still the same old format with the same old stale jokes.  You get what you pay for and sadly for all of you, we can’t be ousted from office. 

What?!?!  We've made it thru most of the season without much of a problem?!?!

Well we have ourselves an official season.  We are 9 weeks in meaning there’s with only 5 left and rarely have we seen so much parity.  Six teams are tied at 5-4 and most are within a reasonable amount of points of each other, except Kyle.  But there’s clearly two tiers within this tie for first.  South and Mitch have clearly separated themselves at this point and it’d be a shock if anyone else occupied the top seeds when all is said and done.  As for the final two playoff spots, it wouldn’t surprise us at all to see just about any make it.  Even Chris and Seth could easily make up ground. 

But we won’t get ahead of ourselves at this point, still lots of time for anything to happen.  And now, on with the rankings…

Time for the rankings, smoke'em if you got'em...

1. Fuck It Three – After toying with us for a few weeks and seeming to fall apart after 4 straight losses, Garrett is right back where he was meant to be.  FIT’s been on quite the roll the past 2 weeks, posting 210+ and dominating his opponents like he dominated dudes in spandex in college.  His whole lineup has been solid, especially Cook who has run roughshod over the league like an Indianola RB getting 60 carries a game.  It’s good to see South is learning from his mistakes because based on his decisions earlier in the season, he usually would have left that kind of effort from Cook on the bench. 

Southy's finally got this fantasy thing figured out.

2. Play It Backwards – This one had to hurt.  Mitch was rolling after 4 straight wins and felt pretty good after Adams put up 33 on Thursday night.  However, McCaffrey was back for Kyle to be ran into the ground against him.  And if there’s one thing Mitch recognizes the value of, it’s riding an under-sized white kid into the ground.  Still, Mitch had the chance to cruise to victory but he chose the wrong QB in the Saints-Bucs game and paid the ultimate price.  He still looks to be one of the prohibitive favorites going forward now that AB found a landing spot, Miles and Thomas are getting healthy, and Dobbins is getting a bigger workload.  The only thing that could stop Mitch now is running into running into Valley or Dowling in the playoffs.

3. Smells Low – Riley was among the favorites for the playoff run prior to this week but things were getting dicey as the injury bug started to bite.  And then he went out and posted an inexcusable loss to Seth.  Ekeler, Godwin and Jones are still banged up and Kittle could be done for the year.  Unlike his nasal cavities, we wouldn’t exactly call his team deep so we’ll have to see how the next few weeks go.  Russ is going to have to do his best Gordon Ramsey impression and keep cookin’ if Riley has any hope of staying in contention.  But that does mean Riley is ready to hear all your trade offers again so make sure you send him at least 4 per day.  

Riley looking thru the barrage of terrible trade offers he's about to get.

4. Rollin’ 4 Deep – After getting swept on the season by Abel, Finken eeked out a close one against Lazer this weekend despite all his disappointing RBs posting single digits.  He needed this victory in order to stay in playoff contention as well as avoiding handing Chris another top 3 pick.  He’ll have to navigate some tough byes this week without Zeke or Julio against Lehman, although benching Zeke might be necessary at this point.  Fortunately for R4D, he’s not the current top seed so Kyle’s dumpster fire probably won’t spread to House Finken. 

Anything will be better than what Nebraska's shown so far this year.

5. I’m Out – Despite having the 3^rd lowest point total and facing the most points on the year, Abel remains right in the hunt for the playoffs.  Checking the archives of the PRs, never before has Abel been this high in the rankings this late in the season (probably, we didn’t actually look).  He didn’t have a chance against South this weekend but needs to beat Seth this coming weekend if he wants to keep pace.  He’s the early favorite for the win but Seth is no stranger to coming from behind....in weight loss challenges.  Geez people...

6. Off Suit 10s – So the worst team in the league is now openly admitting to starting an inferior lineup just so he can watch his crappy players on TV.  We’d normally intimate that’s not in the spirit of the integrity of the league and that he’s openingly tanking for draft spot.  However, since Kyle has no draft capital, we’re going to let it slide.  But if something fishy happens with that 6^th round pick of his, we’re calling BS.  Kyle finally scored over 150 (first time in 4 weeks) and took an easy $5 off Chris betting on CMC.  We can’t wait to get a text late some evening showing the McGangbangs Kyle bought with Chris’s money. 

Kyle rolling around in Chris's money.

7. It We’re Using Logic – Chris put up his usual 155 (almost exactly 3 of the last 4 weeks) but it wasn’t enough against Finken and now he’s lost 6 of the last 7.  Not exactly what Chris had in mind after the offseason of a lifetime.  And let the record show that the only team he’s beat in that span was Kyle, who has been reported to be the worst team in the league.  His rookies have been about as disappointing as Brian Ferentz’s head coaching prospects.  And now he gets a matchup with South, who’s scoring more than Seth does with his sister. 

Much like this clip, Chris's season has not gone as expected. 

8. Ah It’s Early – Seth’s doing everything he can to tank but Mahomes and Riley just wouldn’t let that happen. 

Mahomes is so good, he won't even let Seth lose.

Season 8 - Week 6

 Week 6 is in the books and we are really no closer to sorting out the contenders from the pretenders.  We just have to accept that there’s no great teams this year and really only one bad team, which we’ll get to later.  After weeks of defenses faltering, Week 6 was unusually low scoring compared to previous weeks.  Most teams barely got near 150 and we had our first sub-100 from our worst team, which once again, we’ll get to later.  We’ll see if this was a one-time thing, much like the average encounter with Carol South, or if it was injuries and defenses finally catching up with the COVID season. 

We do know one thing though, and that is that we’re about to cross the “official season” barrier this coming weekend.  And while it hasn’t always been pretty, the NFL will continue to value the almighty dollar above all else and push these games thru no matter how many players may be out.  Because there’s always a slew of meatheads who are ready to get their brains damaged on live TV.  And now, on with the rankings…

1.       Smells Low – Everyone has been dogging on Riley going back to last year’s surprising title game run. They were saying there’s no way he could sniff a repeat in 2020 or continue to nose ahead of the competition.  But folks we’re here to say that thru 6 weeks, Riley sits atop the standings in record, points and nasal cavity square footage.  Wilson and Wentz along with the Jones Bros at RB have carried him so far.  And he’s solved his TE conundrum after rejecting 73 trade offers by just waiting until Kittle got healthy.  Hopefully Kittle has sent some get healthy vibes to Riley, who will hopefully avoid any more trips to the ER for the remainder of the season.  Don’t you go dying on us Riles! 

You be careful Riley, you actually have something to live for now.

2.       I’m Out – Abel is proving that his run this year is no mirage and he is determined to pop his playoffs cherry.  Fortuitously things fell just right for him in Week 6.  Most of his key pieces were on bye but as luck would have it, he was playing the worst team in the league, which I promise we’ll get to later.  Henry put Abel’s roster on his back and basically single-handedly carried him to victory.  He’ll have to figure something out at TE this week with Goedert on IR and Andrews and Rudolph on bye.  If only there was a place where there was a bunch of players that weren’t claimed on anyone’s team.  Anyone have any ideas on how to help Abel solve this crisis? 

Abel was finally found the waiver wire.

3.       Fuck It Three – Garrett has made 3 terrible mistakes in his life.  One is dating a bible-beating prude through all four years of college.  Oh the frat parties he could have enjoyed.  The other two involve the 2020 season.  First in Week 4, he left Mixon on his bench who put up a 40 spot.  He proceeded to lose that week to a really bad team we’ll get to later.  Then in Week 6, he left his stud rookie Jefferson on the bench for some reason who posted another 40 spot.  This resulted in another loss to R4D.  Now, we can’t speak to his first mistake but had he made the logical play in each of these situations, he’d be 5-1 and have a commanding points lead.  But who are we to tell South which card to play.  That’s Lazer’s job.

South picking checking his flex scoring this year.

4.       Play It Backwards – Mitch and Seth had a tight matchup going into the MNF finale.  Seth had Nuke and Amari going, Mitch had Kyler and amazingly both AZ RBs going.  This was probably because the Saints were on bye and they comprise the rest of his roster.  Nuke didn’t do much but Amari had a solid game capped by a late TD to give Seth a 7 point lead.  The Cardinals had the game in hand and really all they had to do was kneel the ball to close the game out and Seth walks away victorious.  But no, Kool-guy Kliff sends his offense back out there to get a first down and really put it away.  By then the Cowboys D, who are worse than the worst team in our league (which I swear we’ll get to later), had quit and allowed Drake to scamper for a 69 (nice) yard TD, snatching victory away from Seth.  Surprising reports out of southern IA/northern MO were that Mitch actually stayed up to watch the end of said game instead of falling asleep at 8pm. Reached for comment, the rest of his card-playing friends were shocked.

What?!?!? Mitch fell asleep during game night?!?!

5.       Ah It’s Early – As mentioned above, we’re not going to punish Seth too much for a matchup he had won until the very end of the last game.  We’ll leave that up to Chris’s sister, her ball gag and her strap on.

Since this is a family site, the gif chosen for this joke cannot be shown publicly.

6.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken was lucky to escape this one against South with a victory since Rodgers, Evans and Gesicki laid gigantic turds equivalent to the worst team in the league, which we’re almost ready to tackle.  Luckily Julio and Matty Ice were playing the Vikings secondary, which is about as soft as Seth pre-weight loss challenge.  R4D gets a cushy matchup this week against post-Dak Seth but 6^th is the best rating we can give him since the only team he’s outscored overall this season is the worst team in the league (we’re almost there!).

Finken's inevitable collapse is still coming...

7.       If We’re Using Logic – Chris started the year off 2-0 basically needing a change of underwear every time he opened the Yahoo Fantasy app.  However, his wet dream start has come crashing back down to Earth faster than the worst team in the league that we’re only one spot away from.  Lazer’s lost 4 in a row and that’s been with CEH and Hunt getting the majority of the workload.  Very shortly that will change with Bell coming to KC and Chubb healing off the IR.  He thought Mattison might be the answer with Cook hurt but that ended about as well as Finken’s 2019 push for the playoffs.  He could’ve beaten Riley this week despite all of that had he chosen the other TE he stole from Riley at the draft instead of the other TE he stole from Riley at the draft.  On the bright side, if Chris holds this position, he’ll be able to experience “The Best Draft Ever In The History Of All Drafts Ever:  Part Deux” in Vegas next summer.

All of us having to hear about Lazer's draft again.

1.       Off Suit 10s – Somehow he has 3 wins but Kyle’s team is bad.  Like really bad.  Full stop.  

Season 8 - Week 5

Week 5 is in the books and, while we don’t have a ton of time for a full rankings post, we figured it’d be best to check in after our disastrous CNK Presidential debate two weeks ago.  It’s been an interesting few weeks in our dynasty league.  We had our first COVID breakouts which caused numerous games to get moved or delayed resulting in unexpected bye weeks and player quarantines.  But we did get a few weeks of double-headers on MNF and even a Tuesday game so not all is bad. 

But let’s bring it back closer to home.  South and Lazer were on top of the world but that changed quickly and both are now on losing streaks.  Lehman and Abel looked destined for the #1 seed matchup but now have won 2 straight.  Riley has nosed ahead of everyone in points and sits atop the leaderboard currently.  However, everyone’s still in it as all the records are either 3-2 or 2-3 with only 80 points separating the highest and lowest scores.  Hell, even Abel finally used $10 of FAAB on Frank Gore.  We still have a long ways to go but it seems like we'll get a full season in one way or another.  But what that could look like by season's end is anyone's guess.

We expect the rest of the season to go swimmingly tho...

And now, on with the rankings…

1.       Smells Low – Riley's bathing in fantasy knowledge non-stop while injured and quarantining has really paid off.  

2.       Fuck It Three – South had gotten bored dominating us each year (except Chris) so he's decided to let us back in it and make it interesting.  Then he'll turn his mind to...

3.       I’m Out – Abel is a true contender...

4.       Off Suit 10s – Nobody expected Kyle's team to be any good and it still probably won't be once CMC comes back but here we are.

5.       If We’re Using Logic – After the draft, Chris was like the excited Grandma talking about her grandkids soccer team...

But now that injuries and bye weeks have begun, it's more like...

6.       Ah It’s Early – Now that Dak is hurt and Lockett and Amari have been overtaken, we're about to catch Seth's team going full tank.

7.       Play It Backwards – Mitch planned to be at the top of the standings by now but we're starting to question his so-called fantasy prowess.

8.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken when one of his starters gets hurt in the 1st quarter every single week...