Season 7 - Playoffs Update

The first week of the playoffs is in the books and that leaves us with only one weekend of fake football competition remaining.  Let’s recap what happened in Week 15 and preview our final matchups.

Fuck It Three defeats Play It Backwards 200.24-183.42

South faced someone other than Lansink in the playoffs so we anticipated things falling into place for him.  The matchup played out much like we predicted, a high scoring affair with Southy winning by about 20.  Lamar got everything going early on Thursday night destroying the Jets while Tyreeeeek, Chubb and Kelce built the lead on Sunday.  Goff and Kupp then finished it off with an 18-point garbage time drive.  Garrett could have lost Dalvin Cook for next weekend so all is not roses.  On the other hand, Mitch must be kicking himself.  His lineup was up to the challenge but he gave into our goading and removed Drake from his lineup in favor of Cohen.  Tarik did alright but Drake scored 4 TDs!  Their point differential was 24.1 while the game differential was 16.82.  After strenuous calculations, we came to the conclusion that Mitch shouldn’t have done what he did.  Mitch, we tried to tell you which card to play there…

Smells Low defeats Off Suit 10s 154.04-144.94

Last year, Kyle dominated the league scoring the most points but lost in the first round of the playoffs by almost 10 points.  This year, Kyle had the most points, best record and #1 seed.  He chose Riley as the weakest opponent (which was correct by the way), but then laid an egg and again lost in the first round by about 10 points.  Kyle had flashbacks of the Rose bowl while McCaffrey dazzled against the Seahawks and even Gurley showed up.  Then Edelman got hurt and Gallup, Freeman, and Thielen all shat the bed.  He really didn’t have any better options on his bench that would’ve been better plays.  It was a total team effort to screw this one up.  If he’s a glass half full guy, he could say that he wouldn’t’ve beat any other team except Lazer and when it comes down to it, probably all Lehman really cares about is being better than Lazer.  So…bravo I guess?  Riley got just enough from his main guys and made the right call again putting McLaurin in the flex spot.  His near-optimized lineup in such a crucial situation earned him his first trip to the finals.  This improbably rise from the basement last year to the title game this year is akin to South and Lansink’s rise in Year 2.  However, it has yet to be seen if this was just a fluke or if Riley can sustain this into future years.  

Highly doubtful.

Consolation Bracket

I’m Out takes a 40.8 point lead over If We’re Using Logic for the battle of the #1 seed.  Abel basically maximized his roster output should be favored again this week to have the hammer come draft time for the 2^nd year in a row.  Abel was motivated after seeing how much Busch Light was delivered to Orlando for Iowa State’s bowl game.  He’s vowed to do the same for our hotel room in Vegas if he is victorious in his quest for pick #1. 

Probably was Abel's pantry looks like too.

Rollin’ 4 Deep takes exactly a 100 point lead over Ah It’s Early in the 3^rd pick matchup.  Everything came together as only one of his starters failed to crack 19 points and Finken was only 0.07 points away from the all-time high score.  Too bad he couldn’t spread some of those points out across his last couple weeks and done his damage in the playoffs rather than in a game more meaningless than Nebraska football in his post-high school days.

Finken realizing his plan worked perfectly except the minor detail of "making the playoffs."

Championship Preview

This will be Garrett’s 4^th title game appearance in 6 playoff appearances but only an empty trophy case to show for it.  While he lost to the #StatCorrectionChamp last year, 3 of his other playoff losses have all come at the hands of Lansink.  Riley doesn’t have that loser’s stigma in the title game (which is probably because he’s never made it that far) so he should come out guns blazing with established names like Raheem Mostert and Terry McLaurin.  In fact, Riley has all the confidence in the world.  Not only enough to drive the van he does or wear the hats he does, but he did beat South in Week 14 in order to make the playoffs. 

There aren’t any glaring matchup nightmares on either side, and South losing Cook is mostly offset by Riley losing Godwin.  It will probably come down to starting the correct flex options, of which South has far superior options.  The one thing we do know is that none of their judgements will be clouded by alcohol or any other inebriants other than the usual Skittles and Mountain Dew combo.  Maybe the rest of us should take note of the possibility that these two teams made the title game because of their abstinence from these neurotoxins.  Maybe we should contemplate removing these from our lives in order to excel further at fake football…

We’ll say FIT dominates and finally tastes sweet, sweet, sugary victory: 195-24-136.96

How we picture South's victory parade.

Best Ball Update

Half of the league probably stopped paying attention but a Best Ball champ will be named this weekend so we figured we’d check in on that.  South, Riley, Jared and Seth didn’t make the playoffs so they couldn’t care less and should be branded as terrible at drafting.  Mitch went 12-2 but then was bounced in Round 1 by Finken 199.5-159.  Apparently Lamar and McCaffrey alone couldn’t keep his turbo-charged team within the lines.  In the other bracket, all of Lehman’s QBs could not overcome the combined effort of Drake and Julio and Lazer pulled off the victory 161-142.  Lehman can’t even win when the computer plays his cards for him. 

How'd the weekend go Lehman?

This leaves Finken and Lansink will face off in the title matchup.  Like his high school jock straps, Finken’s going to struggle filling his slots (mainly WR) with recent injuries to Godwin and Jeffrey, and most his other key guys are facing tough defenses.  Lansink’s squad is mostly healthy and facing manageable opponents.  We’ll say Lazer wins his 4^th title in our inaugural league 164.5-132.0. 

Chris after winning the best ball league.

And finally, your humble moderators would just like to take a second and say thank you to everyone in the league for making this a great time throughout another year.  We wish you all a Merry Christmas and hope all your players get injured next year.

Season 7 - Playoff Preview

Week 14 is in the books and that means that our 7^th regular season has come to a close.  It was a great season with more parity than usual.  It was also quite an eventful final weekend so let’s first take a look at what happened. 

We had one playoff spot left and four teams in position to grab it.  Abel and Riley each just needed a win and to outscore the other and a shot at the title was theirs.  If each Abel and Riley lost, the winner of the Finken and Seth matchup would be in based on points scored.  Each of these three matchups were close heading into Monday night.  First, Abel needed Jeffrey to outscore Sanders but Alshon quickly left the game with an injury so Abel became unAbel.  Finken needed a big night from Barkley and Shepherd in order to catch up to Seth, which fell apart quicker than Chris’s standing in the Lansink family when Seth signed the marriage documents.   So Finken’s big mid-season trade to lock up a for-sure playoff went all-for-naught. 

 

Finken dying inside just a little as Week 14 played out.

Then there’s Riley.  Riley was down by almost 50 heading into MNF with only Wentz and (for some reason) Slayton in his flex spot remaining.  This makes “the opposite of his nose” sense since there were 11 other guys on his roster projected to outscore Slayton in Week 14.  But he must have sniffed something out and left Slayton active which made all the difference. Even putting in Mostert’s big day wouldn’t have done the trick.  Slayton did his damage early but in the end, it was Wentz’s OT TD pass to Ertz which sealed the deal.  The Eagles are somehow still alive for the NFL playoffs at 6-7 and Riley made the CNK playoffs and narrowly avoided paying for 8 buffets in Vegas.  What a country.

 

What, explain to me again how the hell Riley made the playoffs?

Now the playoff field is set and we have two new contenders this year and two repeats from last year.  Additionally, we have two former champions and two never champions.  Kyle and Garrett easily led the league in scoring and claimed their spot early.  Interestingly enough, the other two playoff spots went to the teams who scored the 2^nd and 3^rd fewest points in the league.  Kyle rode a 10-game winning streak into the #1 seed and chose Riley as his opponent.  Hopefully he picked The Nose wisely because with no draft capital the next two years (almost literally), it’s titletown or bust for the former #PeoplesChamp.  Now let’s take a quick look at the matchups this weekend… 

-          Off Suit 10s vs. Smells Low – Lehman is at a clear advantage here in every department outside of Kleenex usage.  Kyle is projected to score around 22 points more this week, which is mainly the difference in the RB slots.  CMC should put up his usual stat line of 46 rushing yards and 11 catches for 95 while Fournette faces a terrible Raiders D.  Riley on the other hand has Jones and Montgomery going against each other in the frozen tundra of Lambeau.  Both guys currently have recently waivered players into their flex spots so this might come down to if Riley can roll snake eyes again.  It looks like Jacobs will play so Riley saving FAAB to pick up Washington might be a worse call than one of his stylish hats.  We’ll say Kyle continues his hot streak 167.83-145.62.

 

Make it quick Kyle, and painless.  We don't want Riley to suffer.

-          Fuck It Three vs. Play It Backwards – South has the most dangerous team in the playoffs on paper but numerous bad matchups during Week 15.  Lamar is playing a solid Jets D on a short week, Fitzmagic is missing most of his WR options and most of his flex options are facing tougher defenses than Riley trying to get college girls into his van.  He’s also riding a 4 game losing streak although he did post +170 in two of those loses.  Mitch technically finished as the #2 seed at 9-5 but he was doing his best 2018 Lazer impression finishing with a high seed while scoring the 3^rd fewest points in the league and lucking into wins.  He’s won 4 of 5 recently with Thomas, Adams and DJ Moore carrying his whole offense.  With a probable starting lineup that includes Kenyan Drake and Miles Sanders, Mitch is getting his dice rolling skills warmed up early in advance of the Vegas trip.  We’ll say South ends his cold streak in a high-scoring affair 191.32-170.96.

 

We don't judge Mitch's technique in rolling the dice against Southy luck.

But while all this playoff talk is great, let’s not forget about our fallen comrades, those that will be slugging it out for draft position.  Both Seth and Finken had extremely disappointing years although they did post the 3^rd and 4^th most points.  For their effort, they get to replay Week 14 again for two more weeks in a matchup more meaningless than Riley’s bachelor degree.  Finken can’t even get excited about what spot he ends up in since it’s sitting in Lazer’s possession.  Chris had better at least send him a formal receipt from that trade so Finken can write that charity off on his taxes.  Either way, the league shouldn’t be too worried as Chris’s last three first-round picks were Mike Williams, Derrick Henry and Corey Coleman.  There will be plenty of meat on that bone for everyone else we’re guessing.

 

We're sure Lazer's scouting skills have improved since then.

After having no business in the playoffs last year and rough start to this year, Chris finally threw in the towel and began the tank.  He successfully navigated his way to 4-10 but almost scored too many points to make the #1 seed matchup.  Abel had a shot at his first playoff bid but Jacobs got hurt while a few other guys who’ve carried him this season just couldn’t finish the job.  This ensured one more shot at the #1 draft spot instead of the #1 spot in the standings for Abel.  At least he’ll get to pick the cheapest, dirtiest buffet in Vegas to drag us all to.  There’s got to be a strip club somewhere in Vegas that serves roast beef sandwiches…

If you know what I'm saying...

Season 7 - Playoff Odds

Instead of looking backwards as usual, we’re going to peer into the future of the 2019 fake football season and predict some odds on how the season plays out.  We only have 3 weeks left of the regular season and a few days left until the trade deadline.  Worst of luck to you all…

1.       OS10s is locked and loaded to make a championship run. The playoffs are all but guaranteed at this point after taking out South last week. All of this after being projected as a bottom feeder at the beginning of the year, and being told his Best Ball team was a joke. The only joke for OS10s this year are his beloved Hawkeyes and the “offense” that they run. Playoff Odds – 100% // Championship Game Odds – 70% // Title Odds – 50%

2.       FIT has the team to beat and looks to break through with his first championship in CNK, after finishing runner-up 3 times. Winning the championship means he’ll be making it rain Skittles and Mountain Dew in whatever Vegas strip club we end up at. I am sure that everyone else would agree that the luckiest man on Earth deserves this championship.  Playoff Odds – 100% // Championship Game Odds – 85% // Title Odds – 60%

3.       PIB can’t decide what he wants to be, on the road – off the road – on the road – off the road to the playoffs that is. Injuries and suspensions have caused PIB to be a roller coaster all year. Things look to be balancing themselves out for PIB in the stretch run. He has the workhorses at WR and QB to challenge OS10s, and possibly FIT. His RB depth is what is hurting him. It has been roulette all year long, but it appears Drake has taken the reigns in AZ. That could provide the wheel stability and cruise control he needs to make a championship run. Playoff Odds – 85% // Championship Game Odds – 30% // Title Odds – 15%

4.       I’m Out has wheeled, dealed and drafted a team that will finally get him to the playoffs. His Gophers boat finally sunk a few days ago though, but losing Floyd again will not get him down. If PJ Fleck has taught him anything, it’s that this season is one game at a time, as I’m Out went 1-0 during the Smells Low season this week. Abel will just keep on rowing, hoping for his first “elite” season.  Playoff Odds – 55% // Championship Game Odds – 15% // Title Odds – 5% // Gets on the plane to Vegas Odds – 90%

5.       R4D is trying to make a push to the playoffs, but his recent deal with the devil isn’t working out like he had hoped. He gave up a ton of draft capital to make a run to the championship this year. In order to win the title, he has to make the playoffs first which is definitely not a given at this point. At least R4D has last year and as we all know, Nebraska fans do a great job living in the past. Playoff Odds – 35% // Championship Game Odds – 50% // Title Odds – 35% // Odds of trading Julio or Ingram before the deadline – 35%

6.       Smells Low has a difficult path ahead. He is projected to go 1-3 over the next 4 weeks, not a recipe for success. Also not a recipe for success – being the low scorer for the year when we are doing our draft in Vegas. I have provided a link to the best buffets in Vegas, per Yelp reviewers to make things easier for you. Playoff Odds – 27% // Championship Game Odds – 10% // Title Odds – 3% // Able to afford said buffets - 20%

7.       AIE is out of the playoff race and in Who Cares territory. His luck has been terrible this year – Gordon holding out, DJ not playing (at all), Mahomies dislocating is knee cap, Cara only throwing it to him 5 times a week, the list goes on and on. Playoff Odds – 0% // Gets on the plane to Vegas Odds – 51%

8.       IWUL defines Who Cares territory.  The bright side is that he may have two top 4 picks in the 2020 draft so he’s solely focused on that right now. So much so that it is a bit sketchy of a guy who’s actively tanking to conveniently leave an inactive player in his lineup to guarantee another loss.  Those picks may make his rebuild move a bit quicker and put him in a position to win another 14 titles in 9 years starting in 2020. Playoff Odds – 0% // Odds IWUL has to bring food and drinks to card night – 100%

Season 7 - Week 10

Week 10 is in the books and it was an entertaining week with numerous close games.  Ironically, two matchups were decided during the Cowboys-Vikings game and the other two were decided during MNF.  With four weeks remaining, the playoff picture is starting to take shape.  Lehman and South are about locked for the top two spots.  Mitch, Riley and Finken are the main candidates for the remaining 2 playoffs spots.  And Abel, Chris and Seth are most likely jockeying for playoff position.  But there’s still time for any team to make a move, for better or worse so no one had better rest on their laurels (whatever that means.

And now, on with the rankings…

1.       Off Suit 10s – When the season started and Kyle looked at his schedule, he knew Week 10 would be a tough one for him.  With 9 players on bye, he figured he could throw away that week and be in good shape the rest of the season.  Then Week 10 arrives and his best WR available was injured and it turns out the QB he just traded for broke some bones in his back.  He had to no choice but to start the likes of Jeff Driskel, Zach Pascal and Alec Erickson.  So it was no surprise when he put up 112 and would’ve gotten smoked by 6 of the other teams in the league.  But lucky for him, Finken was completely out of trump.   Naturally, his dogshit Jack-eight-four hand turned into a 4 spot.

2.       Fuck It Three – After a horrible showing in Week 9 and a loss to Abel, South needed this win and got it by a margin smaller than his teenage girl-sized shirts.  Knocking off Lazer allowed South to stay right up there with Kyle in a race for home field through-out the whole playoffs.  He even accomplished the victory with a donut from Kupp and two TEs in the lineup.  He’ll need something stronger this week if he hopes to stave off a bounce-back performance from Kyle in this week’s potential title game preview.  There hasn’t been a matchup with this level of anticipation since Chris’s poker table matched up against Caesar’s street as Chris peeled the F outta that wild and crazy bachelor party. 

3.       Play It Backwards – Like playing with his phone on the interstate, Mitch has gone back and forth over the win/loss line the past 6 weeks, alternating between victory and defeat.  He’s lucky that Kyler and Thomas propped up his team this week since he deciding to start both Saints RBs was about as good of an idea as playing a King-deuce backwards.  But as his name being on the CNK trophy proves, though, sometimes it pays to play it backwards.  He’ll try and bump the pattern this week with a JV Falcons RB in place of Adams against Finken’s newly acquired ATL tandem.  Instead of trying it backwards again, Mitch may just want to play it safe and let Aiden drive this weekend.

4.       Smells Low – Riley’s had an odd season.  After winning 3 of 4, he’s now lost 3 of 4 when all his MNF players kept fumbling their chances away at catching up to Mitch.  He’s still sniffing the playoffs because of his .500 record but he’s also last in the league in points scored, which doesn’t bode well for the long run.  He should win this week against an Abel team without a number of key players but should also have had a threesome with a couple lesbians by now…and we all know that hasn’t happened either. 

5.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – When Finken mortgaged his future to acquire Julio and Ingram, he figured these additions would guarantee a path to the playoffs and put him in good shape to repeat.  Prior to Week 10, his team looked amazing on paper and was projected to top 186.  And then Sunday rolled around and a catastrophe ensued that could only be described as Nebraska-esque.  His roster of blue-chippers went out there and posted almost half of those projections and he failed to break 100 for the 2^nd time this year.  Finken’s team is still in good shape to qualify for the postseason with the 3^rd most points and only one game out.  But he’s got to start winning, something he won’t learn from watching his Huskers on a weekly basis.

6.       I’m Out – Maybe the team Finknasty really needs to worry about is Abel.  After starting the season 1-5, Jared’s now won 3 of the last 4 and he’s scored almost 200 in the past two games.  He too is only one win out of the 4^th spot as of now.  He needs to keep winning and putting up some points as he’s still almost last in the league in scoring.  What isn’t helping that is the 3 empty bench spots he’s been carrying for a while.  Abel, you realize the rosters are now 28 spots deep if you’re using the redshirt spots (which you are)?  We don’t think there’s a bonus after the season for making under 5 roster transactions all season. 

7.       If We’re Using Logic – Like Mitch recommending that Lazer’s driver’s license be taken away, Chris finally admitted that father time was catching up with his roster and he wasn’t going anywhere this year.  So he shipped off his last remaining original draft picks and started the rebuild.  He’s put his rebuild in Jeopardy though by defeating Finken last week and nearly taking down South this week.  If you’re going to do this Lazer, don’t allow Henry to run all over your Chiefs.  Be more like ODBag.  No not the DBag part, you’ve got that down.  Just start to suck really badly. 

8.       Ah It’s Early – Seth has now lost 6 straight even with Mahomes, Dak and Amari lighting it up.   As bad as he looks in the CNK standings this year, Seth is still the man to one of Lansink’s sisters.

Hot Take Trade Analysis – Finken gets Julio, Ingram, Matty Ice, Gus Edwards and 2021 2^nd; Lazer gets Parris, Mecole, Royce, Kyle Allen and 2020 and 2021 1^sts

This trade works well for both sides.  Chris’s team was going nowhere fast so it makes sense to cash in on Julio and Ingram before they really spiral downhill.  He needs a youth movement and is getting 6 decent pieces to build around. 

Finken has heard it from the haters all off-season about his stat-correction title and is looking to legitimize his accomplishments by repeating as champ.  His team is poised to win now and Julio, Ingram and Ryan all provide high-end depth for the remainder of the regular season and into the playoffs.  Now all he has to do it make it there which is looking dicier with every sub-100 performance.

Season 7 - Week 8

Week 8 is in the books and we’re going to take some time and for a change of scenery, we’re going to see where we’re at in the Best Ball league.  But first, a quick recap of what happened in the Card Night Kangs, which was pretty much the exact opposite of what Lehman predicted.  Better luck next week Kyle.

It was blow-out city this week as three teams won by 40+ and most matchups were over by the afternoon finales.  South and Kyle continued their winning ways by demolishing Seth and Riley, respectively.  They remain deadlocked at 6-2 and just a few points between them.  Mitch stayed in the 3^rd spot with a victory over Lazer.  It was a lackluster win and he needed all of those points from a newly acquired Murray in the all-so-rare Abel trade.  When reached for comment Sunday evening about said trade, we think Chris was taking it pretty well but could only make out…

We’ll find out if Mitch is for real next week against Lehman but we’re not optimistic based on the bye schedule and injury/suspension situation for PIB.  Finken continued his astounding climb out of the gutter vaulting himself into the 4^th spot after his 3^rd win in a row and his 2^nd straight 200+ game.  Despite a donut by Cooks, the rest of his roster blew up and puts him right back in position to defend his stat-correction title.  Riley, Seth, Chris all lost and continued their losing streaks because they’re losing loser McLosers.  There was really no Caesar candidate this week because none of these losers had a chance because they’re terrible at fake sports and most other things.  No one is mathematically eliminated yet but Chris and Abel’s playoffs odds are about the same as the odds of Finken having a 3^rd child.    

Onto the Card Night Queens best ball league.  I think we’d all agree that it’s been a fun experiment, like that time Chris blew his wad on Nelson Agholor and immediately put him in the starting lineup.   Much like sex, the first time is always a learning experience and going forward we’d probably tinker with the starting positions and depth.  It’d also be nice to use a platform that actually worked during the draft, tracked points, records and generally worked on any technology that was more updated than Seth’s former A/C unit.  But that’s for another day, now let’s take a look at our standings

1. If We’re Using Logic – 6-2, 1,334 pts – Well Chris at least has something to look forward to each weekend because we know it’s not his dynasty team.  Lazer’s kin-folk of old-man QBs have been decent enough each week to hide his lack of productive RBs.  His WRs have all been solid but unspectacular and Engram at TE has been good.  But what’s really going to be responsible for him winning this league is Belicheat and the Pats D’s soft schedule.  We’ll see if that changes down the stretch when they’re not facing the Jets, Dolphins, Redskins, Bills and Giants each week. 
   

2(t).Play It Backwards – 7-1, 1,284 pts – Mitch has 4 real good QB options each week after Cousins turned it on and Lamar has become the 2^nd coming of Vick.  CMC is about all he needs at RB each week but his luck at WR has been brutal.  AB has gone AWOL, AJ hasn’t taken the field yet and DeSean has played 1 game so far.  That’s tough when you’re starting 4 WRs and only have 5 options.  Luckily Diggs, ARob and DJ Moore have been consistently good the past month.  Mitch will have to hope the Panthers continue to rely heavily on the game plan that he “leaked” to them early in the season: run your undersized RB into the ground.

I'm ready for my 65 carries coach.

2(t).Off Suit 10s – 3-5, 1,284 pts –  Kyle was the man with a plan come draft time and we guess it’s kind of worked.  Mahomies, Dak and Watson have been great so he’s getting 2 above average QB outputs each week.  However, Baker’s done nothing but cook up turd sandwiches.  Michel, Ingram and McCoy have been decent at RB but what’s really boosted his total are the WR stacks he drafted of Amari, Gallup and Nuke.  His TE has been a hole with Ertz fading but the Saints have been a good choice for his only D.   Even at 3 wins, Kyle is already planning on how to spend Chris’s side-bet money.

4.    Fuck It Three – 3-5, 1,245.5 pts – South has been in a tough spot at QB with $cam hurt all year and Trubortlesky being not as good as his draftmates Watson or Mahomies (right, Mitch?).  Rodgers can only do so much alone so it’s good that Bell and Cook have held down the RB spot well and his WRs have been healthy and productive.  Hooper has also surprised at TE and his two Ds have been pretty good.  Annie apparently taught Garrett a thing or two about having at least two good Ds in your life.

5.    Ah It’s Early – 5-3, 1,224.5 pts – Like South, Seth is in even worse shape at QB with Kyler being his only option pretty much all season.  Big Ben got hurt right away and Mariota might as well have been.  Luckily his RBs have been good and he’s hoping Hunt will get some traction once he’s back.  His WRs are downright great compared to most other rosters.  Tyreeeeek, Evans and Michael Thomas lead the way and Adams should be healthy again soon.  Hockenson and OJ have murdered his TE spot and the Seattle D is average at best.  So there’s no real hope for Seth, unlike when he gives Chris’s sister that spicy look, but A+ for effort in WR drafting. 

When Seth gets that feeling...

6.    Rollin’ 4 Deep – 3-5, 1,141.5 pts – Finken’s team has been healthy all year, he just drafted players akin to the Huskers level of mediocrity.  Darnold’s mono and Jamies’s picks haven’t helped the QB scoring.  Zeke and Gurley have been decent but not all-worldly as expected.  And unlike Godwin; ODBag, James Washington, Jeffrey and Mike Williams have all failed to reach expectations.  Kelce has been consistent all year which is good because his other tight end was ruined back in his frat days.

7.    I’m Out – 3-5, 1,105.5 pts – Abel’s team isn’t bad but losing Luck to retirement and Kamara/Brees for a good chunk of the season is going to hurt.  Also drafting 6 RBs for 2 starting spots and 5 WRs for 4 starting spots is maybe not ideal planning.  At least there’s no FAAB or waivers to worry about though.

Losing doesn't seem to bother Abel, just keep s rocking on.

8.    Smells Low – 2-6, 1,034 pts – Having Foles and Haskins as 2 of your 4 QBs has not set Riley up for success.  Barkley and his other RBs have been decent but his WRs are more of a tire-fire than his dynasty team at the beginning of this year.  Only Theilen, Landry and Boyd could be called regular contributors.  The others either have been brutal or haven’t played at all.  Kittle has been alright at TE but the Bears D aren’t what they were last year.  His name forebodes his chances at cashing in this league.

Riley checking the best ball league all year.

Season 7 - Week 8 Preview

#1 FIT VS #6 AIE: Current projections show FIT winning by 36 points and a 73% chance of winning. AIE and FIT are even at QB and WR. FIT will run away with things with his RBs and FLEX spots. He already has 48 points on the board with Cook and Diggs playing last night. I do not see a path for AIE to win this matchup. FIT wins, closer than the projections say, but still easily 179.4 to 155.7

CNK GAME OF THE WEEK

#2 OS10s vs. #4 Smells Low: The current projections show this as a very close matchup and it very well should be. OS10s has CMC, other than that this is a fair matchup. This could come down to who has the better QB play. OS10s will squeak this one out 158.4 to 154.2 after Carr gets a few garbage TDs vs. Houston.

#3 PIB vs. #8 IWUL: Revenge spot of the week for PIB. PIB can keep IWUL wandering why he didn’t blow his roster up at the beginning of the year with a win this weekend. Cousins did Cousins things and asked everyone “if they liked that” and scored 11.6 points last night against the 2^nd worst team in the NFL. Correct projections have PIB winning this one by 14 points, and I think that happens plus some. IWUL is always dangerous with OBJ and Julio, but his thin RB stable can’t be trusted. PIB wins 181.6 to 141.8, with a big game from Duke Johnson.

UPSET of the Week

#5 R4D vs. #7 I’m Out: R4D is favored by 26 points in this matchup and I’m Out is off to a great start with Rudolph scoring 4.7 points. R4D holds an advantage in QB, RB, WR, well everyone. I’m Out has been trending in the right direction and to that we commend him. R4D still walks away with this matchup 159.1 to 131.6. The upset is the fact that I’m Out has set a full lineup 7 weeks in a row. Congrats Abel, you are doing it.

Season 7 - Week 7

Week 7 is in the books and that means we have reached the mid-point in our 7^th season of the Card Night Kangs.  No one has either taken a commanding lead or fallen too far behind as we have two teams at each win plateau between 2 and 5 wins.  Even the points aren’t drastically different from top to bottom.  And even with removing K and D, scoring haven’t changed dramatically.  As you’ll see below, points are up historically but actually lower than last year.  We’ve averaged about 4.3 200-point games per year in the previous 6 years but have already had 5 thru 7 weeks.  So the highs are definitely higher but there are dramatic swings in volatility that come with those extra two starting spots. 

Season	Total Points	Points per Week
2019	8,821.36	157.52
2018	17,736.82	158.36
2017	15,728.46	140.43
2016	16,364.66	146.11
2015	16,320.16	145.72
2014	16,932.53	151.18
2013	16,720.54	149.29

But as the 2^nd half begins with all of us technically still alive for the playoffs, enjoy each weekend, as it will soon enough be gone from our lives like Seth’s hairline or Chris’s youth.  And now, on with the power rankings….

1.       Fuck It Three – Kyle may technically be atop the standings in Yahoo but it’s only because of a 2-point tiebreaker.  Both teams have the same record and South easily came out victorious in their Week 4 battle.  Garrett has won 4 out of his last 5 after smacking Riley right in the nose last week.  Although Kerryon is now banged up and Kelce and Tyreeeeek need to be downgraded ever-so-slightly because of the Mahomies injury, he’s still got the most non-QB depth in the league.  When reached for comment, Annie had a different opinion. 

Honey, let's keep that on the down-low.

2.       Off Suit 10s – Despite all of the doubters, Kyle has to be considered the co-favorite to make the title game at this midway point.  He got just enough from Edelman on MNF to close the deal over Lazer like it was a 40’ RV with three pop-outs.  With Gurley, CMC, Fournette and Michel looking solid each week and a deep stable of WR 2s, his prospects for another title are certainly better than a normal 3 bid from him.  He also solidified his TE spot with Engram in place of a very disappointing Ertz.  The 2^nd QB spot will remain a dice roll each week even if $cam comes back.  Having Carr as your QB2 is about as risky as riding with Mitch in moderate-to-light traffic. 

How Kyle's envisioning the 2nd half of the season going.

3.       Play It Backwards – Mitch is in the 5-2 club as well right?  I mean, all he had to do was beat Abel.  As it turns out, PIB needed just a little more help from Tom Terrific on MNF.  But the Pats did what Waukee did to Indianola last weekend which barely required Brady to take the field.  Coach Curtis gets the Caesar of the Week award as either of the QBs on his bench substituted for his starters would’ve given him the victory.  He gets his chance at revenge this coming week against his Waukee rival Coach Lansink.  While Kamara and Adams are expected back soon, Mitch is hoping his varsity players and big-league coordinating experience fares well against Lazer’s middle school squad and his Crayola-coordinated game plans. 

Mitch getting ready for his matchup with Lazer.

4.       Smells Low – Riley was just starting to stick his nose into contention after 3 straight wins when he absolutely crapped the bed with a sub 90 total against South.  Similar to his wrestling ability, it was actually pretty impressive from an awfulness standpoint.  Burkleton has 30 guys on his Grindr app CNK roster and only 3 were on bye.  Out of those 30 guys, only 5 managed to put up double digits.  A closer examination of his wins were against the 3 worst teams so far this year as well.  To be fair, that explains a lot about his dating life…

Pretty much a summation of Riley's roster last week.

5.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – After just a nightmare start to his stat-correction title defense of 3 straight losses, Finken began quietly turning his season around a few weeks ago.  He’s now won 3 of the last 4 and did to Seth what the Gophers recently did to his Huskers.  Scoring 160+ in 5 of the last 6 and posting over 200 last week leaves Finken primed for the stretch run and it starts with getting revenge against Abel in Week 8.  He’ll have to be on his game though, as Abel’s looking to extend his longest winning streak in (probably) decades.

Finken is coming back but it looks like the Huskers are not.

6.       Ah It’s Early – Seth began the year on fire almost assuring that the trophy would be hanging above his bed giving him something additional to gaze upon while he’s, well…you know.  But after 3 straight losses, he’s fighting just to stay in the conversation.  And now Mahomies is hurt and he gets to face South without Dak or Amari.  That means he’s relying on Ryan Tannehill and Philip Rivers at QB this week.  That’s bad enough to make us think Melvin Gordon might voluntarily hold out of this matchup as well.  He’s made some odd roster moves and Seth must be holding onto 210 lbs. Gronk in order to help him secure the 3^rd pick?  That won’t make up for Engram’s absence.

Sorry Seth, Gronk ain't going to do it.

7.       I’m Out – Abel got his 2^nd win of the year so we’re going to reward excellent participation with a bump in the rankings.  But don’t get too cocky young Jared.  Had Brady thrown one more TD on MNF, you would’ve been awarded the Caesar for sure.  Not foreseeing Marvin Jones career-best day (luckily just missed high bench points) is understandable against his hometown Vikings.  But leaving Latavious Murray on the bench with Kamara out and starting either Jamal Williams or Jordan Howard instead, both time-share backs, is borderline inexcusable.  We will commend him that he’s been able to set a full roster each week and tight-rope the 5 QBs situation (for the most part).  Thank goodness for Darnold’s spleen and Rosen’s ineptitude. 

Wait, I have a way to get off Abel's team...

8.       If We’re Using Logic – Apparently Mitch was onto something in the offseason recommending Chris blow it all up and start from scratch. 

This times, it's Lazer's turn to receive.

Hot Take Trade Analysis

Seth gets TY Hilton, Dede Westbrook, Philip Rivers and Kyle’s 2020 3^rd rounder

Kyle gets Evan Engram, N’Keal Harry, and Derek Carr

To us, this comes down to how you value TY for Engram.  Rivers and Carr are mediocre QBs that could see their NFL lives coming to an end very soon.  But the additional value of Rivers is negated by the youth of Carr.  If Gruden, the QB whisperer, is able to work his magic with Carr, this becomes a lopsided trade in a hurry.  Dede is young and has produced decently this year.  Harry is a top-level prospect but hasn’t played yet and could have a dicey QB situation as soon as next year.  As Abel can attest, some top-level prospects are unAbel to line up to their hype.  *cough* Treadwell *cough* Doctson *cough*  Hilton is a boost to AIE’s WR corps but not sure it’s enough to offset the drop in TE Seth is going to suffer, now shuffling Everett and Cook in instead of the no-brainer Engram.  It’s mostly fair to both sides but we deem Lehman the winner.  What would you expect from a seasoned used-car salesman? 

Kyle after another successful lemon sale.