Season 6 - Week 4

Week 4 is in the books and we are now witnessing some historic scoring in the NFL and the CNKs.  In the previous 5 years of this league, we’ve never had more than three 200-point games.  So far thru 4 weeks, we’re at 4 with no end in sight.  The penalty rules have made the QBs more untouchable than a drunk Christine Blasey Ford.  This scoring has made for some amazing blowouts and some very competitive matchups.  This week we had 2 wins by 70+ points and 2 that came down to the 4^th quarter of MNF.  This week we have 2 huge games between the top 4 teams in the standings.  But the main drama is down at the bottom where our lovable losers are each trying to get their first win.  Good luck boys.

And now on with the Power Rankings…

1.       Off Suit 10s – No Cam and McCaffery?  No problem for our resident RV salesman to close that deal.  Kyle put up the 12^th best total in league history and his 2^nd 200 point game of the season, which results in a weekly scoring average of almost 185.  Watson led the way but his whole roster overachieved to pave the way to 4-0.  Kyle has truly transformed from surprise champion to legit powerhouse.  This is a testament to his prowess at drafting, which has always been good.  He’s just now learned to hang onto those guys. 

We stack them up and Kyle just keeps knocking them down.

2.       Play It Backwards – Mitch must’ve been a little worried going into his matchup with Lazer and having Alex Smith on a bye.  He smartly chose to forego Mariota and insert the Trubiskinator against a Bucs D that’s as bad as Riley’s Algebra II grades.  This resulted in almost a 50-spot being laid, most of which was done before Chris switched over from Matlock.  Kamara then came in and finished the afternoon off with 3 TDs.  It was good enough for 9^th best all time, which doesn’t even include three 30-point efforts left on the bench.  He’ll need all of that next week against Lehman’s juggernaut back at full strength and a true battle for top dog in our circle of friends (of course, outside of the pitch standings which is the true test of a person’s meddle).

Along with Kyle, Mitch could be running away with this league.

3.       Ah It’s Early – Nuke and Gordon set the tone and then Mahomes came in Monday night to finish off Abel the way Seth usually finishes off the night with Lansink’s sister.  After an opening loss to Mitch, Seth has reeled off 3 straight victories and looks to keep it rolling against his brother-in-law next week.  Mahomes has another tough matchup in Jax but that won’t stop him from being favored.  Chris will try and stop AIE from getting to 4 wins before Seth puts #4 in his sister’s belly.

Seth at the thought of preparing for #4

4.       If We’re Using Logic – Lazer should feel pretty good about the effort he put forth against Mitch.  He tried his best and gave it his all but sadly the 3^rd highest points of the week was only good enough for a big, fat L.  Don’t feel too bad for him though as he did the same thing to Finken last week who would’ve won a matchup against any other team (not that one of us is bitter…).  Julio may never score again but as long as Ryan keeps throwing multiple TDs to Ridley, Lazer will be in every game.  Chris will be at full strength against Den’s true son and he’s getting Ingram back from suspension.  But with an ailing Gronk and ineffective ODBag, it’ll be a coin flip between fantasy scores and receding hairlines. 

Chris may need to take some flopping lessons from Seth for his JV squad.

5.       Rollin 4 Deep – After a hot start to the year, Finken’s team appears to be fading much like his Huskers.  His point totals continue to decrease and he’s now lost 2 in a row.  Zeke and Barkley can only carry a team with 5 guys in single digits so far.  Now news comes down that Bell is coming back and Conner will be worthless for the stretch run.  It’s looking more and more like Finken will be sitting at home come December again, just like Scott Frost.

First Nebraska, now Finken's fantasy team...this season sucks.

6.       Fuck It Three – Everyone knows about Southy luck.  Well, we all thought that might be coming to an end this year with all of the injuries and self-inflicted vacations from football.  He even left huge points on the bench this week from Kupp, Luck and Green Bay’s D that would’ve sealed the victory over Riley.  But towards the end of MNF when Keenum’s pass just sailed over DT’s fingertips that would’ve given South the loss, reports out of Denver were that a sudden, candy scented breeze from the northeast was the culprit.  We’re sure there’s no correlation there at all and now Garret gets his Abel bye week with news that Bell will be reporting soon.  As always, things are still looking up for Garrett.

We all knew there was something about Big Ben.

7.       Smells Low – You mean you’re weekly point totals right?

Go get 'em Riley....get that first win.

8.       I’m Out – Haven’t seen this many males in single digits outside of a priest’s bedroom for quite some time.  I’m Out…yes you are…

Hot Take Trade Analysis – Riley gets Ronald Jones and a 2^nd, South gets Mike Gesicki and a 3^rd

South offered Jones to about everyone in the league for nothing more than a ham sandwich (no mayo either) and Riley finally bit after injuries to most of his RBs.  Abel’s 2^nd rounder is probably the best asset in the trade as it’s for sure to be a top 10 pick and now Riley’s looking good with 3 of them at the next draft.  Gesicki is a wait and see for South hoping that we’ll come on strong as Kelce fades away in a few years.  And always as a bonus, Mitch didn’t end up with an extra 1^st out of the deal. 

Good trade everybody.

Season 6 - Week 2

Week 2 is in the books and we’re going to try and throw a quick power rankings out there.  We saw the whole spectrum on the NFL gridiron this weekend from the Chiefs-Steelers TD-fest to the Cardinals getting only 5 first downs.  The same was seen in CNK with Kyle topping 2 bills and the Riley/Abel tandem struggling for half of that.  2018 is shaping up to be a weird year as only 1 team in league history has averaged 170+ over the season and right now 5 are at that mark.  It’s not a proper sample size yet but you know what they say about statistics, they’re stupid.

The NFL has been anything but boring so far this season.

And now, like looking at a picture of Abel from high school, here’s a slimmed down version…

1.     Off Suit 10s – Well this is no longer just a token spot for Kyle as he posted the 7^th highest point total ever on his way to 2-0.  He could’ve made a run at the all-time record if he would’ve played Watson and Agholor but destroying Lansink’s hopes and dreams is all Kyle is ever really after.  Kyle also gets to take home the weekly payout prize of having the week’s best D.  Chris’s sister would disagree but Seth isn’t going to get the prize two weeks in a row. 

Lehman and Fitz are on a different level right now.

2.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken posts another solid effort as all of his starters posted 15+ and improves to 2-0.  With Bell still on vacation in Miami and Freeman hobbled, he all the sudden has numerous options on the RB front.  At least our albino friend can take solace in fantasy success this season since his Huskers are clearly on their way to a 4-7 season.  #FrostOnTheHotSeat

Frost might have the Eli face at this point.

3-5. Play It Backwards/Ah It’s Early/Fuck It Three – These three teams all have the same record, almost the same points and solid/deep rosters despite South’s injury STD.  Mitch beat Seth Week 1, then lost to Seth, and South and Seth play next week so we’ll have a clearer picture on where they stand.  It’ll be interesting to see which piece of the ménage-a-troi will be left with his dick in his hand come playoff time.

Seriously, no rankings for these three??? Unbelievable. 

6.       If We’re Using Logic – In Week 1, Lansink had to rely on Abel Abeling.  This week he didn’t even have a chance, unlike Seth with his sister.  And it’s not going to get any easier with Finken, Mitch, Seth and South in the next 4 weeks.  Heck, he may even want to pull a Vontae Davis and retire around 4pm next week if he’s getting another Shady McCoy level whoopin’.  It’ll save himself some embarrassment but at least he’s almost ready to apply for Medicare and Social Security.

Almost time for nap and Matlock for Chris.

7-8. I’m Out/Smells Low – We’re approaching “who cares” territory…

Hot Take Trade Analysis – Smells Low received Agholor and Kittle, Off Suit 10s received Darnold and a 2019 3^rd

Overall this seems like a very reasonable trade.  But you know what wasn’t reasonable?  When the alert was sent out.  Some people keep their phone next to their bed and don’t appreciate being woken up at 5:13 am on a mid-level trade that doesn’t affect them.  Let’s try and keep the pre-6:30am texting to a minimum. 

Back to the analysis.  Riley, outside of a rhinoplasty doctor, needed some depth at WR and TE.  Kyle needed some mid-round draft capital and more than 2 QBs in a 2 QB league.  A rare trade that no one can really complain about.  As a bonus, Mitch didn’t even end up with an extra 1^st round pick out of it.  Everyone wins.

Season 6 - Week 1

With Week 1 in the books, year 6 of the Card Night Kangs is officially underway.  Lehman becomes our 4^th different champion as we got to see Gurley carry a mediocre team through the playoffs and into fantasy glory.  At least Kyle saved the league from the prospect of Lansink winning a 3^rd title; which would’ve expanded his ego from overreaching to ludicrous-sized.  The irony that Kyle’s the reason that Chris won those titles is not lost on your humble moderators.  The offseason was filled with action as well from a four-team trade to a flood of epic proportions on draft weekend, Lazer itching to lose $5 to everyone about everything, Abel betting this will be the year (to finish 5th) and South finally banishing Ks and Ds from our rosters but not his bedroom.

 

Who cares about Kyle winning the league, did you guys hear the Iggles won the Super Bowl?

As with last year, the power rankings probably won’t happen each week unless others want to pitch in.  Finken has gotten busier each day praying to the alter of Scott Frost and South has to meet his daily quota of cat videos to put out a quality product each week.  So if anyone ever wants to take a crack at them, please let us know.  Otherwise, on with the Power Rankings…

1.       Off Suit 10s – We suppose we’ll give Kyle his due for at least the first week since you shouldn’t fall down the mountain until you’re knocked off.  Abel almost pulled it out after most of OS10’s lineup underwhelmed until Gurley got going and Carr threw the gift pick-six late on MNF to seal it.  This year, Kyle is taking the contrarian angle of only having “athletic, dual threat” QBs on his roster and mostly “scrappy, gym-rat” players in his flex spots.  Quick, someone trade him Burkhead and Edelman.  

Good luck with that Lehman.

2.       Play It Backwards – Mitch dominated last year’s regular season and picked right up where he left off posting 200+ and high points for the week.  The only thing that kept it from being an all-timer was wasting a highly strategic draft pick on the Saints D.  Thomas and Kamara combined for 82 and every other skill player posted a 20 or better outside of TE.  The only thing that could derail this juggernaut is injuries as depth could be an issue, as only a few bench players scored in the double digits.  But if there’s anyone to lean on his stud’s and give them 50+ touches a game, it’s Coach Curtis.

Coach Gruden says, "Now that's old school football right there!"

3.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Finken endured the year form hell last season but now has Barkley to show for it.  He roared back at full strength against South and took advantage of the swing that Bell-for-Conner presented.  He had a scare with Rodgers going down like NU’s freshman QB but it appears that both will be ok going forward.  R4D gets the Abel bye week coming up while he continues to tweet at Bell about sticking to his guns and not letting the Steelers wear him down. 

That's right Le'Veon, keep proving your point...playing this season is meaningless....

4.       Ah It’s Early – We’re not going to hold this loss against Seth too much as he would’ve beat almost any other team in the league handily.  His lineup was solid all around and Mahomes looks like the real deal.  With DJ and Reed healthy, he should be in every matchup unlike his Cyclones.  The silver lining is that he’s going to win the Week 1 payout with Sanders on the bench scoring 29.5 points.  The bad news is that if he would’ve swapped him for Amari, he would’ve beat Mitch by 0.3 points.  I’m sure that loss won’t come back to haunt him come playoff time. 

Coach Gruden, Seth and Iowa State are all 0-1

5.       If We’re Using Logic – Chris was fortunate to be playing Riley as he would’ve gotten it handed to him by a majority of the league.  While a number of his starters sputtered, his core guys of Gronk, ODBag and Julio carried him across the finish line.  Like picking renters, he’s going to need to decide carefully who goes in his flex spots as numerous guys on his bench would’ve made this win much more comfortable.  Week 2 brings a championship rematch against OS10s and hopefully Chris has already told Kyle which guys he wants him to play.

Coach Gruden is just as confused as Lazer's flex choices.

6.       F It Three – As lucky as Garrett could be at pitch, roulette and life in general, it appears that he isn’t going to out-maneuver the fantasy gods this year.  After losing Guice and McKinnon before the season started, he now gets to watch Le’Veon exchange selfish tweets with the President.  Tyreeeeeeeek almost saved the day but he can’t keep beating up DBs all year.  His line-up will continue to be solid based on all of the RBs he can throw out there but the championship upside is probably only there if Bell reports.  What we should all be doing instead of wagering on whether Alex Collins will be a top 46 RB, is figuring which is the next guy to go down for the year.  Smart money is on Big Ben. 

South's only hope this year.

7.       I’m Out – It was a rough start for Abel with victory within his grasp.  Ajayi, Rivers and Keenum did their best to vault him to a strong start but the rest of his roster could only do so much.  Lockett made his triumphant return from the waiver wire into the starting lineup to make things interesting but a whole bunch of single digits from almost everyone else doomed a perfect start.  At least Yeldon might be a solid asset going forward.  We’ll see if Abel will move him into a starting role by next week.

Commendable job Abel for consistently managing your team as well as Coach Garrett does.

8.       Smells Low – With Fournette and Freeman already hobbled, Riley might have to find someone else to buy food for him at next year’s draft. 

Season 5 Playoffs

Round 1 is in the books and it turns out your humble moderators are awful at predictions.  Both teams we picked lost as the old adage proves true again; it’s tough to beat a team 3 straight times in fake football.  Both Mitch and South had swept their opponents this season but couldn’t cross the goal line when it really mattered.  Now we’re left with the prospect of either Lansink winning his 3^rd title or Lehman talking nonstop for the next year about how great he is at fantasy sportsing.  Kyle might honestly start wearing that trophy around his neck to cards every week if it becomes his property.  None of these outcomes are good.  Let’s just get on with the recap…

NNNOOOOOO!!!! We're left with Lazer and Lehman...

If We’re Using Logic defeats Play It Backwards

Nobody thought Lazer would be in this position with ODBag getting McAdoo fired and Matty Ice and Julio being more inconsistent than Patrek’s pitch philosophy.  Mitch had plowed through the regular season like Seth through Lansink’s sisters but it ended like Riley into a ditch.  We knew it was over when Brady and Wilson were held in check and Brown went down.  Lazer powered forward to his highest point total of the year on the backs of Shady McCoy, Gronk, Ingram (thanks Abel) and Minnesota’s D, which is probably why Mitch wants to eliminate Ds and Ks.  It was the old story of age and experience upstaging virility and talent.  With retirement a real possibility in the offseason, Lazer had better get his will in order and choose which of his kids he likes the most to inherit his dynasty. 

Ha ha ha, nice season Mitch.

Off Suit 10s defeats Fuck It Three

We’re so happy for Kyle (well, at least half of us are).  South has had his well-documented failures in the playoffs over the years but Kyle has been to the playoffs 3 times previously and was 0-6 in those playoff games.  Garrett clearly didn’t wanted to lose to Chris in the title game a 3^rd time.  This will be the first time in the league where South doesn’t lose to Lazer in Week 16.  He started hot when Hunt went off on Saturday night and Kyle thought he was done for.  But Gurley managed to one-up Hunt and then $cam, McCaffrey and Drake rose up and dumped ice water on South’s hot streak.  Hell, even Blake frick’n Bortles got into it.  And when you know Bortles is feeling it, the devil goes looking for a sweater. 

Hell finally froze over for Lehman.

Championship Preview – If We’re Using Logic vs. Off Suit 10s

OK, let’s get this season over with.  Chris and Kyle split the season series and both came into the playoffs on a losing streak.  Both have been missing one of their best players for most of the season and lucked themselves into this title game.  The similarities don’t stop there. Personally, both are natural salesmen as Kyle is usually peddling fake bank accounts or luxury RVs, while Chris is touting the American Dream as a slumlord to simpletons.  Both have a tendency to be loose with their card strategies and display extreme anger in situations where things don’t work out.  But while Kyle’s hawking his chances in this matchup like a new set of steak knives, we’re not buying what he’s selling.  He may be favored at this point and have some decent matchups, but there’s no way we can bet on Bortles to be competent this many times in a row.  And he has too many choices to make between Fitz, Bryant, Tate, Graham and Agholor to play his cards right for once.  This should make a very Merry Christmas eve for each family as the patriarchs spend the holidays staring at their phones rather than pretending to care about their children and the gifts they’ve received.  IWUL – 153.60, OS10s – 139.84

After retirement, Chris may take up speed walking as his next endeavor.

Consolation Preview – Play It Backwards vs. Fuck It Three

This is truly the “who gives a shit” game.  At least in the losers bracket, you can get some sweet draft capital.  The winner here ends up making $60 more than the loser but the loser gets a spot better in the draft.  Garrett certainly doesn’t need the money as he’s still charging his wife rent and Mitch’s just coasting with his sugar-momma Heidi raking it in.  Just like the Steelers at a Bengals game, we’re assuming these two will start their players that are most likely to get injured or ejected.  PIB 76.40-FIT – 68.48

These two will be left wondering "what if" all season.

Loser Bracket Check-In

Riley took a commanding 33 point lead in the clash for the #3 pick as Freeman ran through the Bucs like Abel through a case of Busch Light and Foles showed us that maybe Wentz was just a system QB.  Abel had better make the right picks this week or Lansink might only end up with his 3^rd title trophy and not the #3 pick as well.  We’re not sure how John Ross’s 2 rushing yards on the season are going to help him move up in the draft, but we’re sure Mark Ingram wouldn’t have helped at all.

For these 2 teams, this about says it all.

Seth sits at a 15 point lead over Finken in the Battle for Barkley®™.  Gordon and Baltimore’s D led AIE to his 2^nd highest point total since Week 6.  Finken had Rodgers back for one game but it didn’t do him any good.  We’ll see if Zeke can provide the spark he needs to overcome the deficit.  Even if Seth doesn’t pull this one off, he’s still sleeping with Lansink’s sister.  And really, that’s all that matters.

Seth coming home ever night...

And last on all...

Merry Christmas fuckers!

Season 5 - Playoff Preview

Week 14 is in the books which brings a close to the 5^th regular season of the Card Night Kangs.  As mentioned previously, the playoff field was already set so this past week was all about figuring out who Mitch and South would be matching up against in Round 1.  Despite being swept by the Nose in the regular season, Mitch finishes as the top seed with the best record and most points.  As usual, South went straight for the #2 hole, which sounds exciting at first but usually turn out pretty shitty.  The law firm of Lehman and Lansink were lucky that there was really no other contenders as both of them basically stumbled their way into the playoffs finishing a very Frank Solich-esque 7-7. 

But now it time to throw the records out and start with a clean slate.  Let’s look ahead to the matchups for the 1^st round of the playoffs…

Play It Backwards vs. If We’re Using Logic

These two fools hold 3 of the 4 championship trophies that we’ve awarded in our history but this matchup guarantees that only one of them will play for the title this year.  Mitch not only ran roughshod over the league this year, but especially against Lazer, sweeping the series by an average 186-139.  PIB is an early favorite but some of his matchups are not ideal and Kamara is still more concussed than a potential Joe Mixon hook-up.  IWUL on the other hand, is getting Gronk back in his lineup and has some much easier matchups from his key guys.  It’ll take a couple Lazer/Finken vs. Patrek/Abel style matchups for him to overcome the powerhouse that Mitch has built.

We’re predicting a win by PIB but it’ll be close enough to make Lansink’s pacemaker short out a few times.  Luckily, we’ll all get to witness as there should be at least 3-4 guys in this matchup playing Monday night while we’re all together at the Chicken Coop.  PIB 163.54 – IWUL 156.92

Fuck It Three vs. Off Suit 10s

OS10s limped into the playoffs on a 3-game losing streak and only hung onto the #3 seed because Lazer’s been just as bad.  He’s got a few rough matchups this week and appears to be relying on Blake Bortles to lead him to playoff glory now that Mariota’s banged up.  And if OS10s is the Chiefs, then FIT is the Chargers.  South’s won 5 in a row and destroyed Lehman in each of their matchups this year by an average of 43 points.  It also works as South’s probably got 8 kids out there somewhere, just like Rivers. 

South is a heavy favorite and we expect that to hold true as there seems to be no end to his dumb luck.  However, his pattern on the season indicates he’s due for 2 straight losses.  This matchup should be wrapped up by Monday night so Kyle will be able to focus his full attention on cheering against Lazer.  FIT 151.84 – OS10s 124.56

We’ll also take a gander in the Losers Bracket and keep track of who’s now playing for draft picks.  It’s probably good that we change the way we award the #1 pick, to the lowest scoring teams rather than the worst record.  The Book of Etiquette is pretty easy to follow but morals and above-table practices have never been a strong suit of this group.  Good luck gentlemen to 2 weeks of obscurity, or as Abel and Riley know it, reality.

I’m Out vs. Smells Low

It’s fitting that each of these teams failed at the simplest task.  All each had to do was lose and either would’ve fallen into the Suck for Sequon®™ sweepstakes.  But each pulled off improbable and meaningless victories that left them fighting over the 3^rd pick in the draft.  Did you hear that Chris?  You could’ve had the 1^st pick from Abel but now you’ll probably get #4.  No big deal right?  Actually now that those dirty, stinking Rams made Wentz’s knee swell up larger than Riley’s nose, SL is going to struggle to reach triple digits each of these weeks.  Honestly the best remaining player in this matchup might be Denver’s D or Pitt’s kicker.  With the 3^rd and 4^th picks at stake, hopefully Finken or Seth takes the 2018 version of Treadwell before one of these asshats can get their hands on him.

Ah It’s Early vs. Rollin 4 Deep

Well, there will be a rematch of last year’s title game.  Unfortunately, it’s in the Losers Bracket as both of these teams went from first to worst in 2017, kind of like Lansink when Seth joined the family.  Both teams are down this far because of major injuries and a ton of points being scored against them.  Like a couple of typical One Percenters, Seth and Finken rigged the system and hid their wealth of talent on IR in order to screw the little guys out of the Suck of Sequon®™. 

This should be a fairly even matchup for the 1^st pick as they split the regular season series and each averaged 154 in those games.  For the first time in a while, both of the teams competing for the 1^st pick actually own their picks so there should be genuine want-to.  AIE is a slight favorite but Finken looks to get Rodgers back this week and Elliott back next week.  No matter who wins, once their teams are each healthy next year, they should both jump right back into the playoff picture.  

Seaon 5 - Week 13

Week 13 is in the books and our 5^th regular season is one week away from concluding.  The playoff field is set although there is still matchups to figure out.  Mitch is set at the #1 seed and South is a solid, but nutty #2.  The cursed lovers of Kyle and Chris get to fight over who gets stuck playing Mitch in the 1^st round.  The draft-pick bracket is much more in flux as all of the losers except Abel are still vying for the 1^st pick.  One of Seth and Finken will make it as they’re playing each other and the loser will finish with the worst record.  Riley is almost a lock to be the other spot as he plays Mitch this week (currently a 31 point dog) and has a 100 point lead (?) on Abel if/when he loses to Chris.  This weekend is going to be more anticlimactic than Riley’s future wedding night.

Playoffs are almost here....

We’ll dive more into playoff matchups and predictions next week, but for now, on with the Power Rankings…

1.       Play It Backwards – Even without Antonio Brown in his lineup, Mitch posted high points on the week and nearly doubled up R4D’s helpless squad.  Right now, PIB has 3 of the top 4 QBs (which doesn’t include the QBs he traded away), 3 of the top 10 WRs, the 3^rd best RB and 2 first round picks.  We think it’s safe to say he’ll be a contender for the foreseeable future.  While it looked possible for Mitch to post one of the best season point totals at some point, he’ll have to settle for top 5 season score of all-time.  Since this last game is basically meaningless, PIB could either go easy on Riley and lock him into the 3^rd pick game and go for RB glory or piss pound him with his WRs into the 1^st pick game.  

Mitch dont' even need me this week, RB4LIFE

2.       Fuck It Three – South’s team is rounding into shape nicely at the right time.  He’s won 4 straight and scored over 155 in each match.  Amazingly enough, if FIT beats OS10s this week, his 2^nd half will exactly mirror his 1^st half, just as we predicted in Week 10.  He lost to R4D and PIB each time this year and swept the rest of his games.  Lucky for him, R4D didn’t get invited to the playoffs this year and he’ll only have to worry about PIB if he makes the title game.  At least that’s never been an issue for South before…

Yes the playoffs!!!  Wait, I suck at the playoffs...

3.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle’s team is doing the exact opposite of South’s.  He’s lost 2 in a row and since posting a score of 215 in Week 10, he hasn’t made it to 150 since.  With Ertz ailing, his 2 TE strategy could be more troublesome than asking Chris which card he should play.  He’ll need to make better roster decisions as we get into the playoffs as he left six 20+ scorers on the bench this week.  This entitles Kyle to the Cesaer Award as that would’ve guaranteed himself 3^rd place and helped him avoid the first-degree assault that Mitch is going to dole out in the first round.

Get that Cesaer award out of here.

4.       If We’re Using Logic – Luckily for Chris, he’s already in the playoffs because if it came down to Week 14, he could be in trouble.  Gronk went full Lansink-after-his-partner-Kyle-bids-4-over-him-with-A-Q-4-and-a-pair-of-offsuit-10s and got himself suspended for one game and now Ingram might be banged up.  Luckily all he has to beat is Abel and hope Kyle loses to South or hope that he outscores Kyle by 61 if their results match.  As outside spectators, we cannot wait until the Monday night text explosion once Pat’s D doesn’t quite get Chris there.  A 1^st round matchup against FIT would almost be the same as a bye as he’s 4-0 against South in 4 years of playoffs.  Statistics basically guarantee that trend to continue.

Temper, temper Chris, I mean Tom.

5.       Smells Low – Riley doesn’t belong here but he’s in the perfect spot.  He has almost no chance to beat Mitch which means he’ll fall to 5-9.  Since he has the least points by far (thanks to multiple sub 90 games), he’ll fall into the #1 pick game by default.  Good work Riley, I’m sure this is exactly how you drew it up.  We could all feel better about this knowing that he will be the 5^th different GM to have to provide food at the draft.  However, then we remember that Riley is an unemployed bee molester that will probably just show up to the draft with whatever is left in his mom’s freezer. 

Let's go get that first pick.

6.       I’m Out – Abel just barely snuck by Riley after 1^st-round equivalent Boswell nailed the winning FG on MNF.  The problem is that FG basically took him out of the #1 pick game.  If he would’ve lost, he’d have the same record as Finken and Seth and could’ve glided into that game after Lansink thrashed him this week.  Abel, you should’ve Abel’d when you could have but now you Abel’s yourself out of prime position.  But when we really think about it, maybe Abel’s smarter than we realize.  Lansink is the one who really owns Abel’s 1^st pick.  Maybe Jared wanted to stick it to his trade-raper and make sure Lazer ends up with the 4^th pick, not the first.  No Barkley for Lazer.  Bravo Abel, bravo.

Rollin’ 4 Deep/Ah It’s Early – Finken and Seth are in the same situation.  Same records and both have much higher point totals than Riley or Abel.  One of them is playing for the 1^st pick and the other will be playing for the 3^rd pick.  While in the interest of sportsmanship and fairness, they should probably start the best players they could and let the chips fall where they may.  However, we advocate that they try and out-tank each other by starting the worst “starters” who are actually playing on their roster.  This may be tough for Finken as half his roster isn’t active at this point but could make for a very interesting final week.

Who'll be dancing their way to Barkley?

Season 5 - Week 11

Week 11 is in the books and the fantasy season is rounding the corner into the home stretch.  There is very little drama on who will make the playoffs at this point and who is left trying to Suck for Sequon®™.  Mitch is clearly the top dog and Kyle, South and Lazer are stuck trying to avoid playing him in the 1^st round.  The bottom half is a tier of awfulness and injuries that only Riley’s Kleenex and Seth’s 2015 campaign has experienced before. 

All four of you are stupid, not that I'm bitter.

Let us take a minute to address the accusations being leveled against the Power Rankings and the ability to put out a weekly product.  We totally deny any involvement in actual, productive work for 12 months out of the year that would cut into our time to properly study tape and evaluate where each team is on a weekly basis.  Furthermore, we resent the implication that we’re just “too busy making private sector money”.  If these rumors persist, you will hear from our defamation lawyers.

And now on with the power rankings…

1.       Play It Backwards – To no one’s surprise, Mitch is still the class of the league.  He put a coaching clinic on for Lazer this weekend as he rolled to a season sweep that reinforced why Mitch is coordinating a high level of football and Lazer’s still stuck on JV.  He had his eye on the high score of the year after Brown put up 42 on TNF, and followed through on MNF as Russell Wilson put up 35 points to post the 2^nd highest score ever.  PIB has essentially wrapped up the #1 seed with a 2 game cushion and a huge points lead with an easier remaining schedule than a Lansink sister staring at that lovely bearded face of Seth’s. 

Mitch running wild over the league this year.

2.       Off Suit 10s – Kyle tried to sneak that one by in the dead of night like a shady deal that will go unmentioned.  The entire league was fine with Finken winning prior to MNF but Kyle raised such hell that we were forced to go along with his wishes.  He needed 18 points from his 2^nd starting TE and managed to get 20 at the gun.  We get a potential playoff preview this week as OS10s faces off with PIB in a battle of the two hottest teams in the league.  Each have won 4 straight and while it was expected for Mitch, Kyle negotiated into his contract a new set of steak knives if he hits 5 in a row.

Kyle watched Jimmy Graham grab that final catch

3.       Fuck It Three – We’ve known for a while that Garrett loves the D.  While it’s usually not a good sign when a team’s defense is the 2^nd highest scorer of the week, in South’s case, the D of his choice went off all over his opponent as he almost doubled up Riley.  FIT is in great position as he gets Abel this week and is head-to-head against Kyle and Chris, his main playoff competition.  He can cement a spot in the #2-3 game and give himself a chance to take down Goliath in the finals with his daycare center of immature players.  If South’s track record of maturity or success in the finals is any indicator, we don’t have high hopes.

hehehe...HJs

4.       If We’re Using Logic – Lansink put up a pretty solid week and would’ve beat every other team this week (I think you can see where we’re going with this…Chris, please avert your eyes).  The problem was that he was playing Mitch who posted an all-timer.  While Brown was the main culprit, it was Nathan Peterman who really did him in throwing 5 picks (one for a TD) which lessened the opportunity for McCoy to do damage.  If you ask Chris, that’s like a 30 point swing.  Oh wait, that wouldn’t have been enough?  Well then….garbage time TD bullshit, right Chris?

Chris's anger management classes are progressing quite well this year.

5.       Rollin’ 4 Deep – Decimated by injuries and suspensions which has resulted in a 3 game tailspin, Finken’s now looking to find the best position in the draft.  There were a couple moves that would have provided a win over Kyle and kept his playoff hopes alive.  However, the prospect of an early pick instead of getting pistol-whipped by Mitch in the 1^st round of the playoffs was probably a blessing in disguise.  So Finken gets the Cesaer Award this week, but really, it’s like a half-Cesaer, otherwise known as a Paulie.  Entering the home stretch, R4D will be focusing on gutting his roster for potential draft picks as well as finalizing his proposal to have 8 IR slots beginning in 2018. 

Thank the Lord I got off Finken's team, I may actually walk again.

6.       I’m Out – Abel has shown some signs of life recently.  He’s won 2 of 3, seems to have set his lineup set just before 11:58am every Sunday and even started throwing FAAB around.  Even if $25 was on Amendola, who he dropped a week later for a kicker.  Now that Smokin Jay is in the concussion protocol and Famous Jameis is being Weinstein’d again, this time by an Uber driver that most likely goes by the screen name Burkleton, Abel will turn to one Mitchell Trubisky to guide his team going forward.  With a stable of RBs like Latavius Murray and Carlos Hyde, 2018 is really starting to look up….or down.  Knowing Abel, it’s probably down.

Abel, please go add Brock Osweiler.  It's your destiny.

7.       Ah It’s Early – Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Without a guaranteed 40 points form DJ each week, Seth has proven to be a below average manager who’s now lost 6 in a row and sitting in last place of the standings.  Playing a backup to the backup RB may have made sense to him entering the week, but Captain Hindsight tells us it was a worse decision than when Cara decided on his marriage proposal.  AIE looks to continue his strategic tanking in week 12 as brothers are forced to do battle.  Seth is in a great position as it’s assured that he won’t be low points on the year, but has a high likelihood of falling into the #1 pick. 

Yeah baby, either #1 or #1 pick, no in between for Seth.

8.       Smells Low – While Riley might not have the worst record, he deserves the last spot after posting his 3^rd score of <90 on the season.  He had 4 guys in his starting lineup go for a combined 2.04 points.  Riley is as good at picking starting QBs as he is interested ladies at a bar.  He’s in full rebuild mode and he’s looking to turn his team around in 2018, while simultaneously turning his lesbian friend around.  We wish him the best of luck in his pursuit of a trophy greater than any the CNK could offer.  Please take pictures for all of us who will never know such a thing in this life.