Week 11

The power rankings decided to take their annual bye this past week due to the fact that Finken was out of town and South was too lazy to put them together alone as he agreed to do.  So if you were missing your weekly break from your depressing life filled with mundane job responsibilities and head scratching family obligations, feel free to call South and....

Week 11 is in the books and there are only 3 weeks left to make a move.  We have a new king of the mountain as Riley got a taste of the ole Dirty South this past week.  Technically no one has clinched a playoff spot yet but it would take an act of congress for South or Riley to miss out at this point.  This week will go a long ways to determine who makes it as numerous matchups could eliminate the loser.  Point totals will also become very important so some of you lower teams, make sure to try and score 250+.  Now on with the power rankings.


Several team's playoff chances at the end of this week.

1. Fuck It Three - FIT took home high points for the week and swept the season series of the previous #1 team.  His trio of Famous Jamies, Hopkins and Doug Martin did most of the damage.  If FIT can't be beat with the Steelers on bye, then the rest of this league is in trouble going forward.  He's won 5 straight and Big Ben looks healthy enough to rape just about anything on the remaining schedule.  With 3 playoff contenders left on the docket in Finken, Abel and Chris, it won't be easy, but that's what they said about reaching the flexibility to bee jibber himself.  He didn't need those extra ribs anyway.

More like Southy Island.

2. Smells Low - Riley gets knocked down a peg for the first time in a while.  It'd be easy to dog him for leaving Lynch in the lineup instead of starting Lou Rawls and his 40+ points.  But ultimately, it wouldn't have mattered against FIT's high points.  Also not helping was the fact that he blew the rest of his FAB money on Amendola the way Eva blew every member of Riley's fraternity this past week.  As mentioned, he's still mostly a shoe-in for the playoffs with a tough game against Lazer and then 2 easy games to close the season out.  But the odds of Riley going far in the playoffs are about as good as a Lehman 4 bid late in the evening. 

Lynch: alright Rawls, let's fuck over Riley here...

3. If We're Using Logic - Chris held off Mitch by less than a point this past week to extend his winning streak to two.  The matchup came down to multiple players during the Pats-Bills MNF game and each team had to have been more nervous than Riley bringing his new boyfriend home for the holidays.  He may have high points in the league so far but we'll find out if Chris is actually for real as he still has yet to win a game against a team with a winning record.  He'll get his chance with Riley, Fink and South left on the schedule.  With that sort of headwind, his season may be as doomed as a lesbian's gina on new dildo day. 

Looks like something out of Waukee's middle school offense.

4. I'm Out - Jared was doing so well.  He's won 3 in a row, has managed his team pretty well lately and has even made it to cards a few times.  And then he starts 2 guys that were inactive and a kicker on bye.  Any other week, this would've cost him dearly but luckily, Scam Newton came through and  Finken's dumpster fire of a lineup who couldn't even manage 100 points.  Abel has a pretty manageable schedule remaining and is poised to make his first playoff run.  Points may become an issue with tiebreakers as he's scored the 3rd fewest points in the league and we're guessing the fewest points in the bedroom.  (Random fact: Seth is leading in this category...by far...I mean, just crushing it)  Abel had better get his shit together because if he fails another lineup test and doesn't make the playoffs, the calls for a replacement could become stronger.  Sadly, Patrek has his Twitter timeline going against him.  Seriously, does anyone follow him? Amirite?  

Keeping tempting us Abel...keep tempting us.

5. Rollin 4 Deep - R4D is on the brink of missing the playoffs for the 3rd straight year.  He's now lost 4 of 5 and can't even score over 100 points against a handicapped Abel.  This is a week after losing to Riley by 0.06 and a few weeks after losing to Seth by 0.56.  Finken is losing games by a margin slightly higher than his sperm count.  And now he gets to match-up against FIT with all his Steelers back.  Things are trending about as well as the Nebraska football program at this point.  We'll see if he and Herbie can get the ship turned around and make a postseason push. 

No big deal, Finken didn't need those points anyway fat man.

6. Ah It's Early - AIE's pattern remained consistent again.  For the past 8 weeks, he's gone LWLWLWLW.  The good news is that the worse team in the league is up next and it's the perfect chance to break the cycle.  The bad news is that Seth's team sucks and statistics and patterns never fail.  He was lucky to eek out a win over OS10s as he played the wrong 2 QBs and Kyle left a ton of points on his bench.  Seth's playoff hopes aren't looking great with a tough remaining schedule and the fewest points scored in the league.  But don't just give up yet on the first pick sweepstakes, Finken is counting on you. 

Obviously Seth's gameplan against Mitch this coming week.

7. Off Suit 10s - OS10s season has fireballed faster than Dale Earnhardt going into a wall at Daytona.  He's now lost 4 of 5 after losing by 2 to AIE and is probably going to be without Freeman and Forsett for the foreseeable future.  He could've had an easy win and kept himself firmly in the playoff hunt except he left Carson Palmer on his bench in favor of Bortles.  OS10s needs to beat Abel this week and Mitch next week along with hoping for some help to keep his playoffs hopes alive.  The good thing for the rest of the league, Lehman missing the playoffs will assure an off-season of wheeling-and-dealing from Kyle.  Let the conditional picks fly!

A little Rodgers-Jones connection would've put Kyle much higher on this list.

8. Play It Backwards - Mitch lost to Chris by less than a point, has now lost 4 in a row, was forced to pick up Brock Osweiler and Mark Sanchez and finally gave up on the Christine Michael dream.  Let's go live to him now...



Week 9

Week 9 is in the books and there are only 5 weeks left.  It was an interesting week with the bottom 2 teams knocking off two contenders.  No games were really that close and all matchups were pretty much decided before Sunday night football even began.  At this point, the playoff picture is starting to come into focus.  There are 3 teams with at least a 2 game lead on the field and are primed to lock up a playoff berth in the next few weeks.  However there is no clear leader for the last spot and as we learned this past week, no one is safe on a weekly basis.  A few more upsets could easily turn the playoff picture face down, ass up.  Now, on with the rankings...


1. Smells Low - Riley goes down for the 2nd time this season.  But at least it's way fewer times than Eva has gone down on other dudes during the same time.  With Dion Lewis now out for the year and a bunch of his other regular starters looking shakier than Michael J Fox eating soup, Riley could be in for some trouble as he's got Fink, South and Lazer up next.  His matchups this week are all very favorable which should make him feel good going against Finken.  But just like Thai food; what feels good going in, doesn't always feel good coming out. 



I'm sure Riley won't miss this on a weekly basis.

2. Fuck It Three - It was tempting to elevate FIT over Riley this week as he's won 3 in a row and has the 2nd highest points.  But FIT lost his top two QBs again for some time and will have to scramble to hold his ranking.  A team starting Famous Jameis as it's top QB should not hold the #1 spot as the constitution dictates.  Antonio Brown somehow managed half a season's worth of yards from scrimmage without scoring a TD but Garrett has to be concerned with Big Ben out again.  Like a miracle four bid with Jack-6, it'll probably just work out somehow for South. 

 

Just another routine play for South.

3. Rollin' 4 Deep - R4D caught PiB on an off week but it wouldn't have mattered.  Even Mike Evans couldn't have dropped the win this week.  Coming off two losses, R4D could've challenged Lazer's year-high score from last week with a few roster adjustments as his whole lineup showed up this week.   Finken swept the season series against Mitch but now gets the #1 team coming to town whom he's already lost to once this year.  He'll need a max effort with all of his Chargers on bye.  He should probably just take a page out of his beloved Huskers cheating playbook.  The pretend refs of this pretend league probably won't get it right anyway.

Maybe Talib is why the refs blew the call in the NU game.

4. If We're Using Logic - Just like Seth has tarnished the Lansink family name, he has also now trashed the Lansink family pretend football team.  IWUL's double QB-WR stack didn't overwhelm this week and Gronk was held mostly in check.  It may have been bad karma from what his D did to poor President Theodore Bridgewater.  Or it could've been the fact that he started a 2nd TE over a probable-Super-Bowl-MVP-for-the-next-decade WR in Jordan Matthews (just like Freddie Mitchel, right Finken?).  Things won't get any easier with Lehman up next and Atlanta on bye.  No Matty/Jones combo for Chris but at least no Freeman for Kyle.  Chris, maybe you should suggest to Kyle which RB you'd like him to play.

Chris always takes a loss well.

5. Off Suit 10s - This was Kyle's chance to grab ahold of pole position for the last playoff spot with Chris going down and the chance to knock him down again this week.  However, he Manziel'd that down his leg by playing Hillman over Sammy Watkins.  He makes that one adjustment and Kyle's giddier than Riley opening up his Grindr app.  But instead he got swept by FIT this season and is now one of five teams fighting for the last playoff spot.  It'll be a great matchup against IWUL as these hated rivals fight to stay alive.  But while their teams fight on the virtual field, they will sit nestled together in Kinnick sharing a blanket and hot cocoa thermos watching a bunch dudes in tight spandex gettin' gay with each other. 

Lehman and his QB trying to formulate a gameplan each week.

6. I'm Out - Alright Abel, here's your due.  You managed to not bench your players all the way to high points and #6 in the rankings.  IO has now beaten the top 2 teams in the league (and Seth) which is more than any other team can say.  Too bad he has to play all of the other games too.  Another winnable match-up this week against Seth could have IO sky-rocketing even higher and get a decent seeding in the #1 pick bracket.  See kids, dreams can come true!  We would just like to point out that for 2 of your victories, on the prior Wednesday, you managed to get together with a majority of the managers in this league and play some cards.  I'm sure that's not a coincidence. 

Here's Abel dancing around Riley's team.

7. Ah It's Early - Seth did to one Lansink what he does to another Lansink on a nightly basis.  It just happened to both on Sunday.  Seth used his Red Rocket (and Eifert) to take down Lazer and get himself out of the basement of the league.  Abel is up this week and a winning streak is mathematically possible.  The matchup this week will come down to who can break a pattern first.  In the last 6 weeks, AIE has gone LWLWLW.  All season, I'm Out has gone LLWLLWLLW.  Both teams can't lose this game right?

The likely result of this next game between Seth and Abel.

8. Play it Backwards - Our inaugural champion has now lost 2 in a row and sits at the bottom of the rankings.  His excuse will be that he had a ton of guys on bye and had to start Matt Cassell.  The sad part is that Cassell was his lone bright spot and only two other starters scored over 10 points.  At least he knew he was in trouble early as his three Bengals played like...well, Bengals historically do.  Back to full strength, PiB will look to regroup against his Luther buddy FIT.  Early projections indicate that he'll need to outperform expectations if he doesn't want to end up just another trophy on South's wall.

Ummmm, I'm Mitch's team's savior?

Week 8

Alright boys, Week 8 is in the books.  The top spot and bottom of the league look pretty much the same but the other 3 playoffs spots are totally up in the air.  There were a ton of points scored this week, in the matchups and on the bench (more on that in a minute).  There's a few interesting matchups this week since 6 teams are on bye and a bunch of key guys are injured.  With only 6 weeks left, those middle teams had better stop dicking around and make their move.  But for now, on with the rankings.



Four teams will soon get an early start on their golf game.

 

1. Smells Low - Riley continues to take care of business again with a solid overall performance against the man who claims to have taught him all he knows.  He's now won 4 in a row to get to 7-1 and gets one more cakewalk this week (Abel, obviously) before he takes on the meat of his schedule.  Since Riley's no stranger to taking on the meat, his #1 ranking shouldn't be in jeopardy.  This will be a special week as he will have to start Peyton due to Elite Joe being on a bye.  Since we're in Iowa, it's fitting that Riley has let Eva branch out to find adequate satisfaction so he can go public with Peyton.  Be who you are Riley. 

Riley running over the league this year.

2. Fuck It Three - As usual, South was luckier than a turd burglar stumbling across a shit show this week.  Like the Cowboys choosing a QB, he didn't make great lineup choices but it all worked out because he was playing Seth.  His line-up was middle-of-the-road but would've gotten destroyed by his bench, which put up 175.  FI3 made it through a good chunk of the season without Big Ben but now Bell and Steve Smith are done for the season...and he's got a ton of bye weeks to deal with...and OS10s coming to town....and then there's the herpes thing.  Add in the brink of terribleness that Andrew Luck is living on, now that  sounds like a recipe for turd soup.

Garrett will have no more of this...

or this...

 

3. If We're Using Logic - Way to shoot your wad against Abel.  IWUL had lost 4 in a row and was colder than Indianola's playoff record.  They hadn't scored over 145 in any of those weeks.  But this week, Chris's team woke up and was hotter than a whore house on nickel night as they scored almost 220 thanks mainly to the Bucs and Saints horrible D.  IWUL's stack of Matty Ice-Julio and Eli-ODB were deadly as the 4 of them scored as much as Abel's whole roster.  Now Chris turns his attention to Seth as he hopes to do to him what Seth does to his sister each night.

I demand Lazer do this dance if he wins the league again.

4. Off Suit 10s - OS10s avenged the early season loss to R4D.  We're sure Kyle purposely used the 3 guys that Finken traded to him to take down their former team.  OS10s has been rolling in 4 of his last 5 but now there's a step up in competition as South and Lazer show up on the schedule.  Plus Palmer, Fitz and Forsett are all out on bye this week.  Just like in the bedroom, Kyle is in need of a little more depth if he's going to make a real late-season push. 

Based on the past few weeks, Kyle finally broke out his...

5. Rollin 4 Deep - Well, it was an unfortunate loss by Finken to Kyle, let move on...

No, there will be no moving on.

 

Oh wait, R4D decided to leave Brees (and Cooks) on the bench in favor of Tannehill and Miller against the Pats.  Brees had himself a season throwing 7 TDs (8 actually if you count the pick six) and Cooks caught 2 of those.  Together, they scored over 80 points.  Tannehill and Miller combined for 24.  I didn't learn math at Bondurant but I'm guessing that would've helped this week.  A depleted Mitch is up next for R4D, he'd better not whiff this week or his playoff push could slip right through his hands.

Whoops, there goes your win Finken.

6. Play It Backwards - PIB fielded a solid lineup this week but wasn't nearly enough to take down the #1 team.  Mitch is still not out of the playoff picture if his team gets hot but it's going to be an uphill battle this week against Finken with Seattle and Detroit on bye (which make up half of his roster).  Since he doesn't have any back-ups on his roster, he'll have to go D and tight end hunting.  Sounds like a random Thursday night for Riley.

Mitch finally has an excuse to bench Kap.

Last - Ah It's Early/I'm Out - Seth had a shot against South but left Carr and the Texans D on the bench.  Abel had a solid week all around but ran into the Disco Ball Buzzsaw.  These two last place teams play the two top scoring teams this week.  We're guessing these bottoms will probably get pounded by Lazer and Riley as they're known to do.

Seth and Abel are the Shane Lechler of our league.

 

Week 7

It’s halftime, fellas.  It’s time for the Power Rankings committee to make some much needed adjustments both in writer and rankings.  There’s a three way for the coveted 4^th playoff spot.  Fortunately for Southie, the only three way that he’s interested in is an MFF.  Currently, riding the top scores from weeks 1 through 3, Lazer holds the tiebreaker and would fill out the playoff bracket if the playoffs started this weekend.  However, both Seth and Abel are tired of playing the role of Squeaks and are sitting only one game back at 2-5.

1. Smells Low – After deciding that holding on to 4 tight ends is only something that he should do in his frat house, Riley decided to pick up a much needed K and D.  The selfish Tom Brady decided he wanted to lead the Pats in both passing and rushing yards and it showed on the fantasy scoreboard.  Fortunately for Riley, he can probably rest his K and D this week as he’s up against Play It Backwards, who’s averaging a mere 132 fake points of football over the past 4 weeks.  It seems like a good week for Riley to rub tummies with college chicks, knock boots with his FWB, and throw in his backups to see how they fare in real, game-time situations.

Been that kind of season for Riley so far.

2. Rollin' 4 Deep – Sweating out MNF wasn’t as fruitful this week for Finken as Seth edged him by the length my penis…literally inches.  While Abel and Mitch were fighting over who sucks the most, Seth was edging Finken by 0.56 points in a Monday Night kicker versus defense battle.  R4D really could have used one of Riley’s 6 TE’s as the Chargers opted to rest Antonio Gates during a week that Rivers was going to collect more garbage points than a hobo at a crappy arrow factory.  With the Eagles and Huskers playing football like a bunch of blind kids playing dodgeball, we’ll have to hope that Finken can right the ship against Lehmen this week so that he has one football team to cheer for.

Rivers tells the coach to fucking put in Gates.

 

3. Fuck It Three – In the battle of the once-mighty powerhouses FIT and IWUL, Southie managed to pull of the win with consistent effort across his team.  Riding the Doug Martin for Alfred Morris/Cameron Artis-Payne trade all the way to the bank, Southie is still sitting atop the total points for list.  However, scheduling hasn’t been on his side as his opponents have scored more on him than the ISU football team is going to score on Eva in the next couple of weeks.  With Big Ben slated to come back to make up for the epic flop that has been 2016 Eddie Lacy, FIT looks to be set up for a late season push.

Look who's coming for each of your rear ends.

4. Off Suit 10s – Kyle’s stock took a hit this week when Devonta Freeman proved to be human while his kicker and defense netted him 3 all-natural, gluten-free points.  Losing Foster for the season is going to hurt as OSX’s depth is less than impressive.  However, Gurley is proving his worth and looking to make Seth out to be fool for not taking my advice in drafting him with one of the first two picks.  Kyle is sliding down a spot this week on the Foster injury, but that could change as he has dates with Finken and Southie the next two weeks.  If the Hawkeyes keep winning, Kyle might forget about fantasy football altogether and finally pay Chris and Southie the $10 that he’s owed them since draft day.





5. If We're Using Logic – After averaging 93 points per game through the first three weeks, the dynamic duo of duos, Ryan/Jones and Manning/Beckham, only managed a mere 51 points as Chris lost his fourth in a row.  Across that three game stretch, IWUL’s average ppg dropped by 62 points from 186 to 124.  No matter how good his team looks on paper, the Power Rankings couldn’t in good conscious keep Chris in the playoff picture with that sort of what-have-you-done-for-me-lately performance. With Abel and Seth on the docket the next two weeks, Chris will need to make a move now if he has any hope of defending his title.  With age being an issue for Chris, we anticipate his descent to continue through the remainder of the season.

Jee golly whiz guys...

6. Ah It's Early – With two solid weeks in the books, including the top score of the week, Seth deserves some credit, and he gets it with the #6 ranking this week.  Seth may deserve the performance of the year as he set is roster to perform at its optimal lever, which, to be honest, wasn’t that hard considering the group of non-injured turds that are warming up his cold, aluminum benches.  With solid performances out of most of his starters, especially the 30.2 out of Reed, Seth out-performed his projected points by 46 to edge Finken by a mere 0.56 points.  Still banged up, Seth is going to need bring the same A game that landed Chris’s sister in bed if he wants to make a serious playoff push.

7. Play It Backwards – In an epic game of grab-ass yielding the lowest two scores of the week, Mitch edged Abel by nearly a full 1.5 points.  Unfortunately for Mitch, his optimal score would have only been about 140 or some crap score like that…the math was getting too intense for me to calculate.  140 would have been enough to beat zero other fake football players this week.  With an aging Peyton Manning and a run-heavy Seattle team, the D. Thomas and J Graham trades aren’t looking as fruitful as previously assumed.  With a little more talent in the stable, Mitch will need some solid performances out of Green and Gio if he hopes to avoid a beating similar to Wednesday night.

Summation of Mitch's starting lineup this season.

8. I'm Out – With low points on the season and his general disinterest in the league, Abel lands at the bottom of the Power Rankings this week.  His week 6 anomaly could not be replicated and Abel returned to low score of the week.  It appears as though he’s dedicated to filling a lineup each week, but his lack of awareness of the waiver wire has put his team at a disadvantage going forward.  Up against the defending champion, Abel might not want to up the ante to $20 this week as he’s been known to do.  We don’t expect this blind squirrel to find a nut any time soon.

No wins for you.

Week 6

Week 6 is in the books and this season is shaping up much differently than last season.  Last year, the top 4 playoffs teams were determined pretty early and the 2nd half of the season wasn't very interesting.  This year, it seems like any of the top 7 teams (sorry Seth) could make the playoffs and it wouldn't be a surprise (well, maybe Abel...yeah, definitely Abel).  Week 7 is the mid-way point and everyone will have played each of the other teams.  Starting next week, it's either revenge or getting the brooms out but for now, on with the power rankings.

What is going on in this league this year?

1. Smells Low - Riley's team put together a solid week and took home high points.  He was expecting much more from his Pats though trying to get revenge on the Colts.  Unfortunately, those points were all sitting on Mitch's bench.  Riley is looking to trade for some younger talent (aren't we all...amiright, married guys?) and is ready to wheel and deal.  He'll need it this week going against the hottest team in the league with all of his Broncos on bye.  His issue will be does he drop some of his position players or the #1 K and D.  These are the decisions that could haunt him the rest of the season. Hopefully they teach that in Chopping Wood 101 or whatever bullshit classes he's taking this semester. 



Riley expects so much more from you Tom Brady

2. Rollin' 4 Deep - Sweating out the SNF and MNF weren't fun for Finken but luckily for him, Gronk, Eli and ODB minimized the damage and propelled him to his 3rd W in a row.  Rivers was huge throwing for over 500 yards (obviously in a loss, it's Rivers) especially since Peterson was stuffed by KC.  Alas the same happened to KC's RBs that Finken had invested heavily in, returning a mere 7 points combined which is a less than optimal ROI.  Seth's decimated team is coming to town and R4D is favored big to keep rolling to 4 straight and a 6-1 record.  At this pace, it'll take a Cornhusker-like collapse at the end of the season for him to miss the playoffs for the 3rd straight year. 

Not sure how, but Finken's 5-1

3. Off Suit 10s - Kyle has skyrocketed up the rankings as he's won 3 in row.  The pessimist will say that those wins were over the 3 worst teams but Kyle now has the #1 ranked player and 5 of the top 12 are on his roster.  Amazingly, 3 of those were traded to him from Finken at some point for a grand total of jack, shit and Phillip Rivers.  Unlike his Hawkeyes, the schedule tightens up with Riley and then Finken, plus OS10s has Rodgers on bye this week.  He gets through these next few weeks unscathed, then it's really time to take notice. 

Lehman barely sneaking by Mitch

Tie-4. Fuck It Three - For losing to I'm Out, South should've plummeted down the standings further, however he's still leading the league in points and has only lost 2 in a row.   Getting a monster game out of Hopkins and Luck weren't enough this week.  AZ shut down all of his Steelers and Lacy had a runny nose so he decided not to play.  It looks like South is betting on Big Ben coming back this week which would be a boost to his whole lineup.  If BB doesn't go, it could be trouble in the rematch from last year's title match this week against Lazer in which he got smoked by 60 points. 

This was basically South's effort against Abel

Tie-4. If We're Using Logic - Chris had to have felt great watching MNF as Eli and ODB marched right down the field and scored early in the game.  Surely a sign of things to come and a 72 point deficit could be quickly erased.  However, Eli had other plans as he decided to hold the ball longer than South holds info from his friends and they finished with only 30 points between them.  It also didn't help that he left Starks, Jon Brown and Shady McCoy on the bench this week.  That's now 3 losses in a row and South is up next.  Four straight losses and a below .500 record?  Sounds like he might want to stick with middle school football.

Chris's MNF experience in a nutshell

6. Play It Backwards - Looks like Mitch now owes Kyle a sixer after his close loss.  Luckily Busch Light is the pinnacle of Kyle's beer sophistication chart and so it won't be too hard on the wallet.  Megatron and Graham finally showed up for Mitch and backed up their starting status but Bradford was pretty useless on MNF.  Mitch didn't have the foresight to start Blount going against the team that he always runs over.  Oh well, I'm sure Danny Woodhead got just as many points against a solid D.  With a bunch of his bigtime players on bye this week, he's lucky he's facing Abel.  Wait, let's ask South how that turned out.

Despite this, Mitch still can't put it together.

7. I'm Out - Abel's team finally came to life this week and put a hurt on FIT by almost grabbing high points.  Even though his TE gave him a 0 and he left Cutler and Bryant on the bench, his Jets came through for him and the rest was solid enough.  As mentioned before, he's getting Mitch at a good time and if he remembers to set his lineup, he could actually put together a winning streak.  Although with Mariota banged up and Cutler on bye, he may have to rely on his 4th QB to get him through the week.  I think RG3 is projected to get at least 18 points right? 

Here was high points for you Abel...

8. Ah It's Early - Seth really made a run at it with a bunch of guys on bye and banged up.  He got solid production out of his QBs and starting skill guys.  Sadly, he didn't start JStew over MelGor or the Houston D (against Jax!) over the AZ D (against Pitt).  He makes those changes and grabs the win and high points for the week.  Now he's facing Finken and has Forte and the Red Rocket on bye with Keenan Allen banged up.  Not ideal.

Doing write-ups for Seth's team feels like...

Week 5

Alright guys, it's Week 5.  Time to stop dicking around and start taking this seriously now.  How can we let the guy who has the oldest roster and didn't have a pick in the draft until round 4 take control of this league?  We're going to let a freaking ID checker at a college bar outwit a bunch of well-educated and high performing professionals (except Chris, very unprofessional)?  Unbelievable.  I thought I knew you guys.  I guess we'll just have to get on with the rankings...

Riley after taking down Lazer

1. Smells Low - The kid took down Old Man Lansink and claims the #1 spot.  Riley used the Pats O and the Denver special teamers to dismantle the former top scorer in the league .  It could've been even worse if he would've benched Peyton and put in either Tyrod or "Elite QB Joe Flacco?".  It looks like he's taken the appropriate steps for next week and told Peyton to grab some pine.  Riley looks to hang onto the top spot for the foreseeable future as he has the worst 4 teams up next.  And that's nothing to turn your nose up at. 

Definitely elite

2. Rollin 4 Deep - Finken looked like he was in trouble going into MNF down by 12 with Rivers and Gates left to go against Bell and Antonio Brown.  But luckily for him, Rivers hit Gates twice in the end zone and Vick forgot Brown was on his team, which propelled R4D to victory and high points for the second straight week.  Unfortunately Finken lost Charles who was the #1 RB coming into Week 5 for the season.  He can't sit around feeling sorry for himself as he plays Chris this week and has Evans and Randle on bye.  Only time will tell if dropping the better part of a Benjamin on Kanye's brother to replace Charles will pan out in the long run. 

Is this the end for Finken's season?

3. Fuck It Three - FIT almost got through another week without his top 2 QBs.  For the most part, his 4th tier QBs did their part, it was South's own tinkering that was his ultimate downfall.  He chose to put a hobbled Lacy out there against one of the best Ds in the NFL instead of Doug Martin against the SEC's 5th best team, the Jags in a guaranteed shoot-out.  It sure worked for leaving Yeldon in.  As I always say, make sure and get as many Jags and Bucs on my roster as possible.  Luckily, FIT probably gets Luck back this week and he'll need him since a bunch of his guys are on bye.  Oh wait, he's playing I'm Out....nevermind.

South thought he had the win wrapped up, and then...

4. If We're Using Logic - Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Eli and Ol Dirty Beckham couldn't keep IWUL afloat forever and now he's lost 2 straight.  Matt Ryan decided to take the week off and outside of a BS fumble recovery in the end zone, Julio was shut down as well and now maybe hurt.  Chris could rebound back up the rankings quickly with a win over a depleted Finken this weekend (which he's favored to do) and South the following week.  However, as Peyton is learning the hard way, so to is Chris.  It's tough being an old man in a young man's game. 

Pretty much what Riley did to Chris on Sunday

5. Off Suit 10s - Riverboat Kirk Kyle rolled the dice and it came up snake eyes (or something good, I don't know how to play craps, who cares) by not playing a K or D against Abel.  He also got nothing out of his TE as well.  While this is probably more of a reflection of Abel and his roster, it does show that Kyle's coming on strong and the teams at the top had better take notice.  And we're going to find out as he plays Mitch this week and then gets the top 4 teams after that.  Unfortunately for Kyle, he's still going to have to provide libations and snacks at cards next week as his (weak) attempt last week with a free pizza and (very) few extra random beers in his fridge just isn't going to cut it to pay for his incomplete roster.

Kyle takes out a not-paying-attention Abel

6. Play It Backwards - PIB cannot be satisfied with his roster production.  His QBs have underwhelmed all season so far, his 3-headed monster at WR have been very inconsistent and he hasn't been able to solve the Bengals RB situation yet.  His trade for Jimmy Graham is proving to be meh at best and his other option at TE appears to be as non-existent as Abel's presence at cards.
 

This is exactly what Mitch envisioned owning JG would be

7. Ah It's Early - Put it on the board.  AIE gets his first win of the season after dropping 4 straight.  The Red Rocket and his tight end (sexual football) were what put him over the top which could not have been expected since they were playing Seattle's D.  Seth didn't have much of a choice because of his depleted roster.  He may want to take a page out of Kyle and Abel's playbook and just leave roster slots empty.  Kyle's K and D scored more points than Percy Harvin did.  It doesn't get any easier either as he now has the top 4 teams in the rankings coming his way in order.  Good luck with that stretch.  There's always 2016.

Somehow Seth pulled out the win over Mitch

8. I'm Out - Kyle challenged Abel's manhood by proclaiming he didn't need a K or D to beat him and Abel's response was to score 92 points.  To be fair, he did set his lineup and no moves that could've been made would've won IO the game.  Other than dropping Rice and RG3 weeks ago and hitting the waiver wire for reinforcements.  But that would've taken foresight and effort, somewhat like chess.  I'm not even sure if Abel is playing checkers.

Abel's just on an entirely different level